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read between the lines
Friday, October 28, 2005
living conditions
firstly, on my pastor: guess my mom was right...or not. from suspected heart infection, it now moves to suspected kidney infection. guess i spoke too soon. so the docs haven't really nailed it on the head yet. we'll keep praying.
secondly, on me: okay. so maybe this is a bit insane being up at this time, writing, when it's less than what, 5 days, to the return of school? but i figured i'm already up, so a little while longer wouldn't make much difference. or would it? forget my forfeiture (right now i'm just...trying right now to take every thought captive to christ), i'm in a bad state to return to the final sem, so to speak.
i'd meant to use up this last week of hols better. well get things finished up at least. but er...it's already the middle of the week and i'm not done yet. three resolutions essentially:
1. figure out how on earth to maximise storage space in my room and keep all the junk i leave lying around
it's a tough feat ever since my mom bought new shelves about a year ago which were much smaller than the previous ones. until now i haven't fully 'unpacked' all my stuff yet.
2. adjust my sleeping time to fit the school schedule
i confess. ever since the start of hols i've been hitting the sack much later and waking up even later. usually what keeps me up until the wee hours of the morning is my quiet time -- i've gotten so accustomed to doing it late nights when the house is quiet that i've not been able to get myself to do it earlier; somehow i just can't settle myself into it. and ever since this stupid construction racket started outside my room, my sleep cycle gets rudely interrupted every day -- at around 8 or 9 something i wake up to what sounds like the whole roof is about to collapse on me and it's my cue to escape to my brother's room and sleep there -- and it affects my ability to wake up by (latest) 1pm. these days i'm practically struggling to wake up, for goodness sake.
3. finish reading up a few unfinished book readings
these are half-baked projects i left unaccomplished over the holidays. lazy, lazy me. i used to be such a bookworm; back then books were like computer games to me. but ever since i started poly, where they finally allow you to bring anything other than books to school, i kinda got engaged with other erm, technological gadgets. and then the hols came and i er, felt the calling to read...and then now i'm....forgetting even the books themselves, 'cos they're out of sight since i've been trying to rearrange my stuff and all.
so yeah. haven't figured out how to solve it yet. tried to draft some kind of contingency plan this afternoon when i was out, but it didn't pull through. hopefully, some wisdom (and discipline) from above might put me back on track.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
updates
the sms i received when i came out from the bath (only just before this) cast somewhat of a pall over me. am in a sombre mood because the morbid topic of death is once again broached. just found out my pastor, who has been in two hospitals in two weeks under observation, has just been diagnosed with suspected heart infection which, if based on my mom's story, is a serious condition.
prior to this all we knew was that he was having fever and backache that refused to leave him after two weeks, so they sent him to the hospitals to see what was wrong. the only thing was, they couldn't figure out what was wrong, except that it was some kinda phantom viral infection. earlier in the week, my mom related a story in which something similar happened to a friend's kin and it turns out he actually had an infection to the heart. he nearly died.
felt drained of energy after hearing this. but at least i know one of my (and others') prayers got answered: the docs managed to figure out what was wrong with him. help keep my pastor in prayers, whether you know him or not.
on another note, i've gradually stopped grieving over my loss. the act of grieving was starting to wear me out, literally( cos it saps energy and in no way does it help me in recovering from my flu) and i just started to lose interest in it, as in i felt it's time to move on.
sure, the past will come back to haunt me time and time again, but i decided that i can't just stay in that impasse because life's not worth wasting away (aka. being useless for god) on. there are some things in life that are just more important and those things are definitely not found on earth.
time on earth is a precious commodity that god has granted us. the spate of tragedies and deaths can't help but remind me of how much nearer we are to the end and not only that, of how we don't have to wait for the end for our lives to be taken away.
am reminded of what You said to me that particular night. i certainly don't want to live a life of regret, regret at not doing what You asked me to do here on earth.
holidays are ending.
last sem of school is starting.
it'll be the final sem that i'll be returning to in less than a week. a last chance to be of use to You in this school. and then it'll be time to make the big post-grad decision, of which i still don't know the exact answer to.
how fast time flies.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
aftermath
last night was the longest i have ever spent grieving in the bath in four years. didn't break my record four years ago when i recall crying non-stop for two hours in the bath, which is a good thing, because i do not wish to relive that tragedy again. my not-fully-recovered flu, the fact that i was having a headache from wet hair in cold air and sheer exhaustion from the act of continuous tearing and blowing of nose made me stop.
devotional was affected somewhat, was constantly distracted to my thoughts last night.
got up early today, forced myself to return to my alma mater in a conscious effort to let the Lord speak to me through their Christmas Concert. must admit, the part of the musical that most got to me was a song about sorrow and death. seems to be the theme of the day these days.
not forgetting to mention that we had a rather interesting topic for this week's church sermon: suicide. in a way i was actually kinda glad the church finally started to mention it.
the end is near. the earthquakes, the hurricane wrecks, the devastation, the deaths...
there was a 24-page spread in the paper today specially covering news on the PM's wife's demise. saw the news on TV too. the PM is putting on an admirably brave front in the face of death, god bless him. i pray the Lord will give him the strength to carry on with life and his official duties. and for God to comfort him in his grief and unspoken sorrow.
kept grieving today, kept breaking down the minute i left the concert and was left to my own devices. the first days are tough. but thankfully in between i found the time to hide in god and was truly grateful to be able to find somewhere far from the noise at home for at least a few hours. "You are my hiding place..." (Psalm 32:7)
oh, the home's under renovation now. and we're still living in it. kinda hate it, but i guess i just have to adapt. every morning at 9 plus, get woken up by sounds of horrendous knocking or smashing of bricks or something. yup, they're doing it right outside my room -- literally. cos they're extending the walls outside and it's just my luck to have a room that faces the outside.
and they smoke a lot, so much that half the house, which is mostly filled with windows that still have gaps in them when closed, is engulfed in a nicotine-filled fog of some sort. all this till december. hope i don't get second-hand lung cancer from all this.
and today the house was fully packed cos my mom brought over my kong kong's maid to clean up the house. she makes use of the maid a few times a week, now that he's gone so she has less work to do and all that. so no private space, had to get out.
my thoughts drift back a lot to the past today, to situations of similar predicaments and what the Lord has done about it.
true, sometimes i think we ALL feel like paul, in the sense that we want to leave this life, different as our reasons for it might be. sometimes part of me just wants out. not that i really want to die, but i just feel like i want an escape route because i feel like i can't endure whatever it is i'm supposed to endure to the end.
but i know life is not as worthless as that, as if it were some piece of trash that you can easily throw away if you don't like. if You wanted me dead all You'd have to do is say the word and i'd have some kind of heart attack or something. the very fact that i'm standing here testifies that You want me here on this earth. and to do what? to do Your Will.
i keep coming across these verses, whether it's ephesians 2:10 or others, where it all says the same thing. You've created us for a life of good deeds, which You've prepared for us to do. people in the world need Your help, need Your Word, need Your truth to set them free. and that was the very reason paul said he stayed on.
"I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us."
-- Romans 8:18 and so i press on, for Your sake.
Friday, October 21, 2005
loss
"So then, submit to God. Resist the Devil, and he will run away from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash you hands, you sinners! Purify your hearts, you hypocrites! Be sorrowful, cry and weep; change your laughter into crying, your joy into gloom! Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."
-- James 4:7-10 i'm weeping, all right, i'm weeping all right.
a few nights ago, i did just that. and then i got up and flipped through the bible and realised i was doing something that was already in the bible. the only difference was, then, i was in a state of total submission to god, which is the very first thing on the list right there, the pre-requisite to making the devil flee.
found out the PM's wife (m'sia) just passed away at 7.55am this morning.
today, i lost a friend too. not to death, thankfully, but it's still a loss i'm finding extremely hard to bear.
it's hard to let go, it's hard to let go.
the first thing i saw when i turned to the bible was this: "But the grace God gives is even stronger (James 4:6)." this was in response to "Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely(James 4:5)?" it comforted me for that moment.
The Hardway (Welcome to the Freak Show version)
by dc Talk
(Toby) "There comes a point in all of our lives when you gotta learn the hardway."
Now I've been high and I've been low
I've been some places that you will not go
I never thought there would come the day
when I wished I never would've lived this way
But I've been searching for a long time
I thought the devil was a friend of mine
I turned my back on everything that was true
and wasted years that belonged to You
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway
I'm on my knees and I'm crying
And I'm crying, yeah I'm crying
(Deep down you don't stop, deep down you don't breathe)
It took so long for me to see
that I'm a victim of the nature in me
Left to myself, I realize
I am the maker of my own demise
But You accept me every time and again
You never mention just how selfish I've been
Why must it always take me so long to see
that I have fallen, but you will forgive me?
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway
I'm on my knees and I'm crying
(Deep down you don't stop, deep down you don't breathe)
Need Your help
(Deep down you don't stop, deep down you don't breathe)
I need Your help
some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy that has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway
I'm on my knees and I'm crying
The warning signs are like flares in the night
Still I proceed, my greed is in spite
of the fire I know that's bound to burn
Why is it that I always gotta learn the hardway?
I gotta learn the hardway
I gotta learn the hardway
I gotta learn the hardway
Forgive me Father, please forgive me
Forgive me, forgive me
Won't you forgive me
Forgive me
Won't you forgive me
Forgive me, forgive me
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
down in the mouth
feeling a bit down in the mouth right now. maybe i shouldn't have [...]. i don't know. but for what it's worth, i'm gonna blog some thoughts before i go on a fasting term again. i think it's high time i should anyway, especially since i feel myself starting to slip.
i've noticed something. there's this change in my fellow bloggers that has caught on to me that i cannot deny. the closer they get to god or the more they are focused on Him, the less they blog. for notable reasons which i'm starting to feel since i started this whole fasting thing. it's like after you fast, you realise the things of this world like what you fasted on don't really matter anymore.
but tonight, i feel like letting out my thoughts somewhere. and i don't wanna be almost silent for the whole of this october log. hence i shall blog.
the anger thing, thank god hasn't been so bad yet so far. yes, i've had thoughts, urging me, practically encouraging me to let my anger brew, but, by the grace of god, i have not allowed them to expand to full capacity. mostly it's thoughts about stuff that people said or did in the recent past. stuff that, when taken in rationally, shouldn't have the potential to anger that much, but when replayed over and over in the mind, has the power to do otherwise. one of the key things that gets me mad is i hate being misunderstood. and lately certain individuals seem to keep misunderstanding me. and usually i just feel the pressing need to correct them.
but thankfully, for now, i'm not letting my anger grow. came across this yesterday which i found rather encouraging (highlighted in italics), but to most, i suppose it wouldn't:
"No one stood by me the first time I defended myself; all deserted me.
May God not count it against them!"
-- 2 Timothy 4:16 i guess that just made me stop and think. the last part is something only a person who has truly learnt to forgive (aka. a person with the heart of christ) would do. and since i'm a "saint who sins" (according to neil anderson) who's trying to emulate christ, i should do the same too.
but another thing about that text. besides offering a solution opposite to anger, i guess it helped me focus on the prize.
cos lately, there was an incident that rekindled my old feeling of feeling left out. allow me to illustrate. for the most part of my life, usually, i am the girl who...doesn't get invited to most gatherings or parties or outings, but somehow i come to hear of it and i end up being there (if i do) by chance or by some irreversible reason...and the worst part is, walking in and finding out that my so-called friends are right there among the crowd and apparently, they didn't think to invite me. recently, something like that happened...again.
as a human and a person with feelings, of course my first reaction is...[fill in the blanks yourself. hint: it's not one of anger]. but being reminded that even a great guy in the eyes of the lord like paul went through something like that too and even had the kindness to say, "May God not count it against them" pulls me back to my feet and keeps me in check of what i should do.
Monday, October 10, 2005
the bumps are what you climb on
just got back yesterday from crusade's annual meta camp, which is usually my time of retreat and solace for me. this time it wasn't exactly the retreat retreat i'd expected, considering there wasn't exactly a spot in that area that wasn't frequented by people, but it was sure better than grim reality i guess. and grim reality was eager to greet me with its long bony fingers (think the Grim Reaper). just like a speaker from the camp said, the hills of challenges were waiting for me the minute i came down. i should have known the minute i heard those worship songs playing in my head. because, to my recollection, every single time except one i have come back from a camp or rally with their worship songs singing in my head, i encounter trouble almost immediately after that. the only exception came at the one time i was on guard for those attacks. in hindsight i believe it's a form of spiritual warfare, given the circumstances. so the hills presented themselves before me, willing me to overcome them. they were in line to welcome me. i mean i knew they would be waiting, but i didn't expect them so soon. so me, being caught off guard, failed the tests and...fell flat on my face. and...i lost it again today. i'm sorry, friend, for my impulsiveness. but for all that's happened, it's made me reflect on other incidents of similar outbreaks and made me realise i need to change. i've been getting angry so easily as of late and it's like i can't seem to control it. can't partly because i didn't know it was serious. i mean, sure, i've always been one to lose my temper through the years, but i thought i toned it down to an occasional outbreak. but lately i've let it get out of hand because it's been under the radar. now i'm the one who needs anger management. haha.
so maybe it was a good thing i failed after all.
never mind the reasons for anger, i just know it's not good. and the thing with me is, i don't get angry immediately. when the event happens in real time, i'm not mad. but later i'll go home and replay the scene in my head and it'll keep coming up like a splinter in my mind and before i know it, i'm brimming with anger. and then i go and do something regrettable.
came across this bookthe other day (hence the reason for this title post), which i found encouraging. too bad it's still sitting in the bookshop. thankfully though, i'm still in full supply of the Source of all encouragement. one notable after-effect of the camp: resilience is brewing within me.
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