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read between the lines
the blessing oh crap. i can't believe i'm still up. i said i'd originally be asleep by now! but ah...blame the wonderful people who were chatting with me till now, and the infamous bloggers who cook up humour for any heart that's in need of laughter. gosh i wish i never had to wake up to the same tomorrows....i have this friend who smses me like every day and asks the same question over and over (since last week). "how's your day like?" and everyday my answer is exactly the same. it makes me realise my tomorrows look all the same. i can't wait for a change, can't wait to get out of this better and gladder. currently it's all the tomorrows of sorrows.... speaking of which god hit me on the head with a rubber hammer today. he said, "jessica, what about your blessings? why have you not spoken about them?" it was then that i realised god has indeed been kind to me amidst this neverending struggle of mine. he sends beautiful sunsets, fantastic starry nights and faithful friends both old and new. the last one is something i realised i've neglected to mention here (with shame) and yet it is something i am very, very thankful for. considering i'm an insecure, lousy, desperate, sad, worried, stressed, needy person like myself. actually there was one simple reason why i didn't dwell so much on friends; because i knew where the road would lead. and i did not want to go down there again (but what's the point? i've fallen into it anyway). anyway i'm glad god sent his human angels in the form of you kind souls out there reading this blog and having spoken to me not too long ago (or those who aren't). yes, yes, i know God is King, so i'm not about to put friends up on a pedestal (sometimes i can get a little carried away, but i try, i try), but i realised today i really must acknowledge the one blessing that has helped me in the process of changing my life for the better, though i admit, i'm crawling like a snail in terms of growth. and this blessing is: people. friends, to be specific. i refuse to mention names because...that's just not me...but i will say this much: in these dark, shitty and sometimes really anger-inciting times, i am so thankful god, for You to have sent me friends who are willing to tolerate so much crap from me, overlook my flaws and just plain be there for me. i know there are dark times when i have to be alone, and i'm learning to be alone, trying, but i am thankful for the support Your blessings (my friends) have shown me. support be it in the form of encouragement, prayers lifted up to Your throne, or even something as basic as a listening ear (or what my friend calls "a sounding board"). thank You so much for allowing me to cross paths with them at this particular time and place and i pray i might be able to do the same for them or others and pass the blessing on in due time. i thank You for the influx of new and faithful friends in my life, amidst the 'old faithfuls'....and i thank You for speaking to me through them. in fact You have half-answered my prayer in a way: i am learning what "love" is as it is, learning how to experience a taste of Your love through them. but i still look to You, the source, for more. help me to be patient as You prune the various fruit of the Spirit in me in Your own time. just give me the will to carry on and the hope that comes from You only. Amen. |
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