|
|
|
read between the lines
partiality i think i will never understand the way my parents run the house. yesterday i found a new thing to add to the list of Things Not To Ask Mom: "can i go to KL for a few days?"just a simple, innocent question; i asked it since it is the hols and i don't have much to do here. and for that i get such an adverse reaction from her. here are her reactions, in order: (1) she got agitated -- she started shouting; her first words were "NO" (2) she hyperventilated -- she kept repeating herself; she started accusing me of the horrendous things i would be doing in KL (3) she became deaf -- she refused to listen to any explanations or assurances from me; she basically would not listen to my defense or give me a chance to explain this shows how much she trusts me. and it's pretty unfair considering i have never done sex, drugs or rock 'n' roll (okay i just put the last one in cos they always say that, haha). also, sometimes i can't help but feel a little jealous when i see my brother getting all the privileges i didn't get when i was his age. it's like i was the guinea pig for my parents' parenting experiments and my brother is the one who gets to enjoy the end result benefits. it's really hard not to complain when i see my brother get to do the things i never got to do at his age. and when i ask my parents what's the deal with the fricking double standards they tell me "it's different with him". what the hey? i was strictly forbidden to invite my friends over to my house. i never got to talk on the phone late at night to people of the opposite sex (truly my mother lived up to the motto of adam sandler's character's mother in The Waterboy: "Little girls [in this case, boys] are the devil!"). i never got to go out with my friends on the day of the annual mandatory chinese new year reunion dinner, let alone show up late and not get beaten, punched, kicked, cained or slapped for it. and other injustices. (*all of the above refer to when i was a teenager) so you can understand why i get rather uncomfortable when i see my brother having the liberty to all these things and more. and why i get rather uneasy when i bring up requests like the one i mentioned in the beginning of this post. but then again, it is true that my brother is different. i don't have the ability to make my parents laugh, straight from young, nor do i constantly suck up to them and flatter them. neither do i enjoy my parents doing things for me when i feel i should be doing them on my own -- stuff like carrying my own schoolbag, doing my own homework, etc. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with these actions, but that's just not me. with an attitude like this (especially the sucking up), it's not hard to see why my mother constantly dotes on him, "babies" him up and becomes more lenient towards him, so much so that he's allowed to get away with so many things like disturbing his sister and kicking the dog. and when i shout at him or try to punish him, most times my mother sides with him or condones his actions. the best part is, she actually listens to him. when she says no, he can actually use his suave, manipulative skills to turn around her decision and illicit an unsaid but evident "yes" response from her. kanna sai...if i could sweet talk my mom like that everytime i'd be getting away with murder. but because i'm not that kind of person, i flatly refuse. even when i try or i feel myself acting like that, i get disgusted and i stop my false pretences. which is why i couldn't take it anymore and left the house for a few hours on tuesday. i don't even want to talk about it, but she was siding up with him again and the trump card she brought out was really...dirty (don't get wrong ideas, i'm referring to 'dirty tactics'). that's all i will say. but i just felt like bringing this up because this is something i keep coming up against. not that this is a new thing, but lately the events have been suggesting an escalation again, which means i have to be careful they don't reach their peak, or else there's going to be another major explosion from me, because i know there is still a hidden rage in me. quote of the day one significant phrase that jumped out in front of me as i was reading making today count for eternity was this:"it takes faith to let go of something you can see to gain something you can't see." or something along those lines. can't find it now. all i know is, if you replace one word with something else, you'll get what i mean. sensitive issue "The Prophet Muhammad has said several times that those who convert from Islam should be killed if they refuse to come back," says Ansarullah Mawlafizada, the trial judge.those are 2 direct contradictions of each other. sometimes i can't help feeling guilty that while people like him all over the world who are being persecuted for their faith and face the threat of death whether past (like during the Holocaust), present or future are going through the worst times, people like me who aren't under any physical threat are already struggling to deal with our own sufferings. when i am reminded of this irony, all it makes me feel is guilty. not grateful. just guilty. but then again it's not a good idea to take delight in other peoples' sufferings by feeling grateful about one's own less-endangered situation. and oh by the way, the same rules in afghanistan apply in my country. and my country is considered more developed than afghanistan. read this (especially point no. 2), this and this. just food for thought. --i'm writing this footnote 1 day after: it so happened the place where i was lounging at had a bunch of newspapers for reading and i read with joy that he has been smuggled into italy.-- top gun fun i am nursing a swollen ulcer at the back of my final left molar. it feels weird sitting in front of the screen here typing with my mouth slightly open. but i'm doing it 'cause i don't want the saliva to mix with the listerine i have liberally applied there.i can't even remember when's the last time i woke up with an ulcer. yes, it's been that long and i've never noticed how blessed i was (haha). i think it's been years, seriously. now i understand a bit of how my friend feels like every time he complains about his frequent attack of multiple ulcers.  yesterday i decided to try the "top gun" for kicks since the amusement park was in town and i'd never tried it before. and also 'cos outrageous rides like these give me that feel-good adrenalin rush that temporarily succeeds in pushing my blues away. (top gun is a caged, 20-seater swinging contraption that swings its passengers to the height of 3 or 4 storeys high at one end, upside-down, before swinging to the other side and repeating the same feat. see right for a simple version of it.)actually, honestly, it didn't give me much of a "high" since i was used to being through a lot worse (or should i say, better, since i actually enjoy it) but, yes, but, what made it a whole lot more interesting was i had my wallet and handphone with me and no pockets. well, i had one, but it wasn't deep and had no zipper, thus rendering itself effectively useless for people who tumble upside-down several rounds a minute.  now that made a whole world of difference. the first 6 rounds i tried to hold one item with each hand, while frantically grabbing on to the too-far-for-comfort lap bar (something like picture on the left) in front of me to flatten myself when i reached the points where the crowd hung upside down like bats and gravity threatened to pull me out of my seat, with my hair flying in my face and my mouth announcing each swing with the words "OMG", but it was evident there were too many things happening at one time for me to hold my grip.at the 6th round for a split second i actually considered letting go of my chunky wallet once i reached the bottom and just holding on to my phone. that was how bad it was. haha. now, i know the first thought that comes to mind is, "why couldn't you have put them down before the ride?" so here's my explanation. it was unfortunate that i came alone (as i always do) and since this isn't Genting, there wa  s no hotel room to store my belongings. i did try asking one of the ride operators to safeguard my stuff as he was putting down the plastic shoulder harness (see right) over my head, but he politely declined and i wisely refrained, 'cos, honest as he was, you never know who you can trust these days. at that point i had just come out from 2 medium-rate (by my gauge) adrenalin rides, both of which did not involve going upside down, and i didn't exactly have spare time to watch and wait for the first round to commence, so i blindly assumed this one would be just as tame (what was i thinking?).so did i drop my wallet? thank god i didn't, 'cos that could have very well been the 3rd time my wallet got stolen (and this time i probably wouldn't have gotten it back). like i said, since there were too many things going on at one time -- me trying to flatten myself to my seat, me trying to push away my hair which was flying into my eyes and me trying to hold on to those 2 valuable possessions -- i just did the most instinctive thing i could do. i just folded my arms in an X across my shoulder harness (it was the closest i could come to hugging the items to my chest) and that did the trick. but that very act itself made the whole ride more...interesting, or fun, whichever way you look at it. 'cos the shoulder harnest doesn't stay put in one place. i am a very skinny person and from experience, i tend to get flung out of the seat pretty easily. in previous times, this is where my hands would be grabbing on to anything firm and using it to push backwards and sort of "stick" myself into the seat when we go upside down. however, in this case, since my hands weren't free, everytime we went terbalik i was literally thrown out of my seat with only the shoulder harness to hang onto. i wasn't even sitting on the seat, you could say. hahaha. i know there were a number of people gawking at me from below. but honestly i wasn't really worried about my safety. the harness, though movable, could only move so much, plus we still had a cage around us, so my only concern was for my wallet and handphone to still remain in my grip until the thing ended. but it was quite an experience. as for my hair, since i couldn't move it away all the time, it ended up stinging my right eye and making it water terribly. i have this weird condition where even the least bit of oil, including oil from my own face, makes my eyes water like crazy. which was really irritating and funny at the same time i guess. 'cos when we finally stepped out it looked like the ride was so horrible it made me cry. but actually i had such a kick out of it =) . and then it was time to leave. somehow or other the ride exhausted me and my palms were aching, so for the first time in a few months i actually fell asleep early when i returned (though i had to get up and bathe eventually). few as they were, these hours of fun, it sure beats feeling bummed out all day. yesterday's --a "special" from yesterday's episode...plugged it off my friendster blog and put it here where it belongs.-- ahh i want to tear my hair out...blogger is copping out on me and it just refuses to work tonight...sucky. my fingers are frustrated and i am either dying to: hmm..is this kind of sign? is god saying "get thee to sleep because thou has been noctornal for too long?" or is He saving me from some unnecessary muck-up? but i don't want to i don't want to.... this will prolly never last --imported from LiveJournal (since closed)--okay. so this is my virgin post in this never-used journal which i only logged in because i thought it was better than blogger..but it wasn't. but today, after a very long and fruitful spell of consistent blogging, blogger decided to go all screwy on me again. can't help thinking this is like a sign from god that i'm supposed to go offline, but i just can't seem to. so until blogger allows me to login, i am going to type some shit in here and keluarkan all this pent-up tension i have in these god-given digits. i don't really care what to type about, i just want to type. no actually i do care about something, but i shall just keep mum about it for now while i'm in LJ. so..another day in the life of yours truly. not good today, not good. for starters, i was supposed to go out. but then i woke up late because i smelled food which woke me up at 1.50pm when i originally wanted to get up at 2pm (hey i know it's late, but i'm trying, slowly...i used to get up at 3pm plus) so i shut the door and slept till...2.45pm. shite. which means my parents did not want to send me over to singapore since the petrol price-raise has really hit them hard (unlike my friend, who is so damn rich he doesn't even feel the pinch when he drives around in his car and yet he still doesn't make full use of this luxury of driving while people like me can only dream of driving down the highway on starry nights to think and talk to god about the issues of life). which meant i was stuck rotting at a half-finished home pending a till-thy-kingdom-come end date of renovation. and i really didn't feel like wasting my brain away on a game i'd been playing for a week straight until my brother lent it to his friend and didn't return it yet, so i became glued to the tv when the commonwealth games was on and i witnessed the swimming and running competitions. not that i was particularly fond of them, but maybe i was so bored that even the least bit of stimulation (i.e. the cheering crowd and the hot handicapped guy in tights who won in the swimming category) offered some form of reprieve to me. other than that i was helping my mom edit a few tracks for her worship cd thing. which did not take a long time or much creativity for that matter. cut, paste, cut, paste. after that, done. not very stimulating it was. not that it was meant to be. so i wasted another day again todaylah cos of that. that being the fact that i could not wake up in time to get my ass out of here and go do something more..productive. and then i come online now, find blogger copping out on me, feel the itch to regress back to the way i was...and then desperately, frantically try to find some sort of available distraction to sidestep the issue. i tried chatting publicly, which is something i haven't done for years already, but it was something my friend suggested when we were discussing the bare details of my long-term problem. but it didn't work. it did not take me long to remember why i stopped chatting. because nowadays the chatroom is full of horny bastards who can't wait to copulate with you or at least show you what it looks like through the lens of their webcams. and if i recall, it always takes a good deal of time in sieving out the rough diamonds from the pieces of shit. and i was too weary to do that...not to mention that i did not want to get into another net relationship again, or any for that matter right now. but then again, in the physical sense i don't have to worry because i don't have any takers (or stalkers. thank god. it's sad but i always seemed to attract the wrong crowd). but online...was a possibility. and a liability at that, considering the ones i'd been in. let's just say i wasn't a very romantic person as an inexperienced young teenager and leave it at that. besides, online just doesn't even count 'cause you've never met the damn guy. look at me. trying to live like i've got no tomorrow or like the sun won't shine for another ten hours when it will in less than four. i don't know which was better of me, the one wallowing in soul-wrenching pain, or the one numbed in semi-successful distraction. oh by the way someone said i'm "leechy", while elaborating on my despicable habit of clinging to people like a monkey to a tree. have been thinking about it lately, going through the incidents in my mind where i have found myself acting like that. and wondering if others think of me that way too. wait. they probably do, since it's practically a fact, once you get to know me, but the distinction is whether they think that's a bad thing or not. i mean i know i'm like that, and that's something god is in the process of solving, but...can my friends tolerate that part of me while i'm being perfected? how many have i turned off by displaying this habit? and how many am i starting to turn off? but then again i shouldn't really worry i guess. 'cause i suppose this is one of god's ways of showing me who my true friends really are. the truest true. i guess. *shrugs shoulders*. was reading through some of my old blog entries, especially the really despondent ones...and they bring back some memories i guess. whatever it is, there is hope at the end of the tunnel! and i just have to keep believing in it until god proves me right. i was so damn confused on saturday after all that speculation and analysing. i was left chewing on food for thought from that day's conversation for days since. and i think, i think, some of what was suggested was not true, no matter how true i wanted it to be. no matter how much i want to believe in the lie, i think it's better to stick with the truth even though it hurts. someday i'll be strong enough to walk away. but until then, i just have to keep believing in the promises god intended for me. the "what if" question still lingers in my mind like an echo that hasn't lost its bounce. but maybe i have to shut it out and throw it to the sea. rumination so here i am again. the path is not new, i've seen this before. i've felt this before and i know how it feels like. so here it is, the great nemesis. and what do i have with me? have i come equipped with a sword and a shield and a helmet?no. i did not. suffice it to say that i am in the very worst position i could be in right now. and yet this fails to illicit some kind of shock or wake-me-up reflex in me. i held out the longest i could. but, as luck, no, god would have it, He has to bring me to my knees again. we all have to learn to bow down at some point in our lives i guess. and sometimes it doesn't seem to make sense, especially when you have all these clones standing tall around you and you wonder why you're the only one still squatting down in the darkness. why is it that the words come so easy when i comfort someone else but my own words fail to comfort me? but no, i am not so narcissistic, and i am glad i am not so. and besides if i believe in a holy spirit i know those words were not mine in the first place. i guess i'll never fully understand or acknowledge how privileged it is to be in this broken state of mind, but someday i will, i know someday i will. when i'm standing with the multitudes and i'm looking at all the lasts who were once first, i'll understand. but right now it's just back to the great adventure of life in the midst of a very dark and unpredictable chapter. i can't wait for the next one, the one that says "victory" on the starting page. but then again, once that mountaintop comes, i know i'll have to brace myself for the next valley. and that's the worst part, i guess. we spend so much more time waiting in anticipation for the next mountaintop that when we finally get there, the stay is so damn short before we have to go under the water again. so, the best thing is to enjoy the wait while you're at it. the way i see it, if i have ten years of waiting, i have the option of feeling and acting like those are the worst ten years of my life, or i can choose to make the most of it and, while i'm at it, maintain a positive outlook so that at least when those ten years are over i won't have to look back and think what a stinking waste those ten years were simply because i didn't feel like doing anything but mope. i'm not saying it is possible to be consistently, 100% happy during those ten years because if i could manage such a feat i would be a Stepford wife (go watch the movie and you'll understand). however, it is possible to maintain a never-say-die (energizer batteries anyone?) attitude that will at least lessen the emotional damage in the long run and even encourage a bit of productivity resulting in a few minor fruits being planted through this seemingly fruitless time of turmoil. at least, that much is what i know of, that has been revealed to me so far. Lift by SHANNON NOLL I know you're hurting Feels like you're learning 'Bout life the hard way And it ain't working Seems like forever That you've been falling It's time to move on You're life is calling, yeah This was never meant to be the end Close the book and start again Cause I know how hard it can get But you gotta lift You gotta lift Cause sometimes that's how it is But I know you're stronger Stronger than this You gotta lift You gotta lift When you can feel your Whole body's aching What's left of your heart It won't stop breaking You gotta let go You took a hit Time to pick up now Move on from this This was never meant to be the end Close the book and start again Cause I know how hard it can get But you gotta lift You gotta lift Cause sometimes that's how it is But I know you're stronger Stronger than this You got to Lift yourself up above all the hurt Don't give in Wipe your eyes and remember You're better than this Let them know That they took their best shot And they missed C'mon and lift Cause I know how hard it can get But you gotta lift You gotta lift Cause sometimes that's how it is But I know you're stronger Stronger than this You gotta lift You gotta lift And I know how hard it can get But you gotta lift You gotta lift Cause sometimes that's how it is But I know you're stronger Stronger than this You gotta lift You gotta lift quote for the day "How could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer..."--Sam from LOTR: The Two Towers [transcript] noteworthy i just bought a book yesterday called making today count for eternity, which is an extremely rare feat for me, because never in so many years has a christian book ever appealed to me enough to warrant buying it (or if it has, it costs too much). sure, it was on offer, but the fact is, what i read as i skimmed through the pages interested me enough to purchase it.hopefully that's a start of something good for me. admittedly what's on the christian section shelves these days seem, at first glance, rather dry to me and i take quite awhile to "get into it". usually (not always, but usually) reading the first few pages is a drag until the middle of the book, where my interest piques. i didn't always feel like this though. there was a point in time in 2000 when a new discreetly christian bookstore opened which had a stash of contemporary books and cds that really aroused my interest in this area. speaking of which, i dropped by the place last month and to my dismay, whatever that was christian of it has been totally wiped out and the shoplot has even been downgraded to a smaller area by far.
more on ebenezer i just read through what i read the other day and honestly, try as hard as i can, i can't seem to remember what was the closing point i was trying to put forth regarding the ebenezer topic. i did think long and hard though...and i offer a possible answer below:if the problem does not lie in whether we raise up ebenezers or "stones of help" along the way, then perhaps the problem is in whether we choose to realise the god behind these earmarked moments in time or not. i mean, sweet (read: slang for "general term of approval") moments are one thing, but god is another. while these moments are passing, god is not. our god is the constant; He is the one firm, unshakable rock to hold on to while stones of the times are crumbling away. and in that i can take refuge and place hope in.
gloomy quotes for the day "We used to be friends a long time ago We used to be friends a long time ago We used to be friends a long time ago We used to be friends..." -- We Used To Be Friends, Dandy Warhols i can also think of another one: "Everything that has a beginning has an end." -- The Matrix Revolutions poster slogan oh how i cried when neo died..feel stupid saying it, but that's another story. raising my ebenezer Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer (meaning Stone of Help), saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." -- 1 Samuel 7:12 much has happened. i've done some things i normally wouldn't do in the past 2 weeks to get over the pain but i know i'm only supressing what's always been there, the dark shadow in the background. maybe someday i will make a mention of what i did and how god helped me, but for now what i'll say is, during the course of the first week it happened, when i was numb and i didn't care about anything anymore, it was then that i felt the true meaning of god's grace. as in it was one of those rare times in life where i've actually acknowledged to a deeper extent (i don't think any of us will ever feel the full extent as long as we're alive) the grace that has been extended to me from above which i've been taking for granted most of the time i'm living and taking up space here on earth. it's definitely one of those momentous points in my life that i have to mark out, hence the topic of this post. according to this sunday's sermon at the church i attended, an ebenezer (in our context) is a sort of marker for all the points in time where god has helped us. it serves the purpose of helping us remember those moments. an example where this word appears in our context would be in the song, count thou fount of every blessing, an old favourite of mine (and incidentally, my mom's). i'll insert the lyrics right at the bottom. so here i raise my ebenezer, though it's almost 2 weeks' overdue...haha. but besides making a mark out of the latest event in my life, i want to put in my 2 cents' worth (or should i say, dua sen worth) about yesterday's sermon (woah, seems like so long ago, now that i recall). the speaker concluded with a few open-ended questions he flashed up on the projector screen. one of them was, "did you raise any ebenezers in your life today?" (i'm paraphrasing of course). and the thing with me is, all i need to do is look through my things and realise i have. cartons of written journals, keepsakes, notes; you name it, i have it. so not acknowledging or remembering times of blessings and grace is not a problem for me, though it might be different for the rest of the congregation. however, my problem lies with the fact that i acknowledge and remember too much...until it hurts. i think and think until i start to wish i was back in those moments of victory. i'm like a person who's living in the past when everyone else is living in the present. so i don't know if placing ebenezers are, on all sides, a good thing. i mean sure, the immediate feelings that come to mind when i recall these pivotal points are good, but when i dwell on them too much they start to become more like grim reminders that life is not that way today and has not been for quite awhile. but overall i guess the problem really isn't about whether we should put markers along the way in our lives or not (but i concluded we actually do, whether we realise it or not, because we've always got our memories with us and they themselves serve as ebenezers, though they're less reliable and less durable than physical markers). -- took a break, did something else, just returned. am a bit dazed right now so will end here because i'm not really in the right frame of mind. as in i can't think clearly. and i don't want to try. oh, and here's the verse i was talking about: "Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by Thy great help I've come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wandering from the fold of God; He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood..." -excerpt from Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing shine the lyrics are so inspiring. this is the stuff hope is made of.Shine by SHANNON NOLL Get up, get out, get out, get out and lift your head Come on, come on, get up out of bed Today's the day you hold the world with your song Go now, go now, go now, help escalate Angels come down, help with this parade To hear your voice ring out Come on and shout it Let your song be heard This is the time This is the day that we've been waiting for All the world will stop to watch you shine Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now sing your hymn This is the new national anthem We will all stand on guard to let you be heard Let go, let go, let go all that can ask How beautiful this world has become Now everyone will see what I believe That these words should be sung This is the time This is the day that we've been waiting for All the world will stop to watch you shine This is the time This is the day that we've been waiting for All the world will stop to watch you shine And if you fall And if you fall And if you trust and Yes it will come true Hey, hey Yeah! This is the time This is the day that we've been waiting for All the world will stop to watch you shine This is the time This is the day that we've been waiting for All the world will stop to watch you shine dawnless "Days without dawnYou see by now I've learned That sometimes all of us get burned We get burned..." -- Days Without Dawn, Jason Lo ........... ......................... .......................................... the dots represent thoughts. bookstore of curios went back to jusco in tebrau city again this evening. while i spent the majority of my time in harris bookstore, i was reminded of the first thought that entered my mind when i first visited the place. this is the type of bookstore i could spend hours in, i thought. it really is, because this is not just a bookstore.in fact i have not seen a bookstore that sells things even as similar as the things found here. not even in singapore. this bookstore sells not only a variety of decorated stationery to choose from (not your average bland-notebook-cover-and-file fare), it stocks up a whole lot of little curios to gawk at along the way. (actually they sell CDs, computer accessories, a surprisingly wide range of chinese books and other things too, but that's not what draws me.) stuff that is creative, that makes you wanna pick it up and fiddle with the thing, but stuff you'd never buy unless you were filthy rich and you had extra cash to spare. like for instance they had this set of plastic potted plants. at first i picked them up and i was thinking, who wants fake potted plants when you can get real ones with almost as low maintainence? and then i saw one at the end of the flourescent-lit shelf rack flapping away. plastic leaves flapping away. and then i realised what it was (the instructions didn't give much clue before this). it was a solar-powered plant, whose leaves mimic the act of growth when it has enough solar energy to flap. kinda cute. not in the kawaii, ee-yerh kinda way, but in the sense that it was small and nifty. another item was this really soft, pliable wrist rest in the shape of a dog bone. meant to rest your hand on while using the mouse, it was really nice to touch cos the thing sunk in when you squashed it and then after awhile it expanded to its original shape once again. plus it was covered with the type ofplush material you'd usually find on a teddy bear. and other stuff along the way. was extremely tempted to buy them, even though i didn't need them, but in the end i decided not to, since i'm not a millionnaire :) . re: prayer needed a further update on my pastor's condition. from what i last got to know, they decided not to do the biopsy after all but opted for a full-body scan. their latest speculation on what he might be suffering from (there were others but if you want you should ask me) is that he has cognitive tissue disorder. they are currently waiting for his blood tests to be released.as for my pastor's wife, she is very much better. she is able to walk around now (how on earth a person can heal so fast from a fractured pelvis is something new to me) so thank god. thanks once again to you (yes, the one with the dilated pupils :p in front of the pc screen who has prayed) for praying for them. do continue to.
further comments okay obviously (or not) there is more to it than what i wrote below. while i have forgiven this 30-year-old already, my mind has started to focus on the person whom she told to that caused the most harm from listening to her and believing i was everything she said i was. and yes, said person is, a female.i really thought we had it sorted out a long time ago...and i thought we both forgave each other after that. but apparently she still continues to hold that wrong opinion of me, the opinion of which came from a 30-year-old who barely knows me and of which i defended and sought to clarify. and it just so happens it has to be revealed in the form of a very important document which she wrote in, a document so important that it could prove detrimental to the party receiving this information. the more i thought about it, the more familiar this scenario sounded. it did not take long that this strongly resembled that defamation case exercise i was studying for last night. i could practically draft out all the 3 elements of defamation under libel and justify all elements of why the person in my situation has defamed me, because she fits all 3 of them perfectly, and pass my exam if this came out. and for the record, what she wrote suggested i am socially defective. do you know how demoralising and untrue that is, not to mention how defamatory it is and how, like in defamation cases, this could "damage my reputation"? okay i am getting too into my studies now. i must let it drop! especially since school officially ended with the culmination of today's exam, which i am pretty sure i am not going to fail. speaking of which, the end of school today was a happy affair. i was supposed to write about that today. but instead i got stuck on this and the past this person dug up. i really thought we were fine with each other already. to tell the truth, i honestly feel more hurt than angry that she still thinks i'm someone which i already told her i'm not. i was reading through my last post and stuff, and it might seem like my statements were written in anger but they're not. that's the thing with writings i guess...they don't capture the facial expression and the tone of which a person would say it in. and this i need to clarify. if i were saying what i've typed out in a conversational manner, i would not be bursting forth with wrath and loads of spittle coming out of my mouth, even though it could seem that way at certain points of intensity in my writings. rather, i would be saying this in an incredulous tone, with either a hurt expression on my face or a look of stunned shock. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}