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read between the lines
the day after today i was especially volatile. it's like what happened yesterday took away whatever nerve i had left. and it wasn't just about the family.woke up today feeling normal, had a normal lunch, did the normal piano-playing for the ladies at church, and then that's when everything stopped being normal. trust the speaker aunty to talk about...i can't even remember the topic, but it covered so many things. and it was too close for comfort. there were so many points i almost cried, but i had to control or just glaze over and try to zone out for a few minutes till i got my grip on my emotions because my mother was sitting a few rows away. besides, the whole room was full of aunties my mother knew. and after that the rest of the day was just unpredictable for me. one minute i'd be all right, normal even, and the next my eyes would start to tear up and i'd have to shake myself out of it. what that speaker aunty said...some of it is just what i already know but have not heard it phrased in different words. and some of it was new. like that part about guilt stemming from feeling like a failure, self-condemnation so to speak. i mean at first i didn't see how that could relate to my current situation, because i thought i'd already stopped condemning myself already (at least for now) but as she explained, i realise i was unknowingly condemning myself still. i was condemning myself for being a failure because the things around me are not working out and somehow or other i put the blame on myself for failing to handle things. i mean these days i don't keep saying i'm a failure the way i used to, but...suddenly it all makes sense what a few friends have said and what i myself have found out (except we all just used different words to mean the same thing) and what the speaker herself said. (hmm, so whose words should i use now? i think i'll do a combo.) i finally understand the full meaning of what my friend meant by saying that "i am my own worst critic". i don't openly shoot myself down and wake up everyday telling myself, jess, i think you're a piece of shit. but i do indirectly criticise myself by repeatedly saying i keep running into brick walls. because it suggests things are impossible and that i, not someone else, have allowed myself to run into these brick walls, so i have failed in trying to prevent myself from crashing into them in the first place so many times and therefore i am a failure. the fact that i even call these things brick walls in the first place is already a criticism of the situation. speaker aunty then proceeded to explain a very true process from which negative thoughts can lead to. she said all the devil has to do to knock people down is put negative thoughts into their minds and everything else will follow like dominoes. her diagram: (">" means "affects") thoughts > emotions > will > physical health and relationships with people i was flinching inwardly when she was giving examples of strained relationships with families, it so described us. but then again i had a very strong feeling all the mothers in the room were flinching inwardly too, they looked noticeably uncomfortable. but i like what she said next, because it's stuck with me: she said whatever stuff we found out we were guilty of from her talk should not serve as a form of further condemnation, as if to tell ourselves, see, you're this bad. and then she said that very special verse familiar to me: "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1)" and that the purpose of the truth was not to hurt us but to "set us free indeed" (forgot what gospel reference that came from). i would love to say after that my whole life changed and i had a happy ending and i put into practice everything i heard from her talk, but i didn't. one of the things that's really been getting to me since yesterday is the fact that i have to go it all alone, whatever path of life i'm walking on. i mean, yes, yes, we have jesus and the story about god carrying some guy with the footprints and something like that, but the thing is, at the end of the day, i still have to be the one making the decision to keep walking, not jesus or anyone else and in that sense, that can be a very lonely road indeed. no matter how hard i kick up a fuss, or cry, or go into depression or whatever, i still have to live it out whether i want to or not until the trial ends. i can't buy my way out or ask god to use his almighty powers to put an end to this suffering, nor can i pull someone out from his/her own race track and ask him/her to run the marathon for me while i take a break. my comfort is that someday i'll understand, when i'm dead and only in spirit. i'll be looking back on my life and the rough patches that i went through, and the times when i felt like giving up like now, and while i sit enjoying the rewards of heaven, i'll say, i'm glad i had the privilege of experiencing life and its hardships for a short while, instead of not living a life at all. "Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! Because of his great mercy he gave us new life by raising Jesus Christ from death. This fills us with a living hope, and so we look forward to possessing the rich blessings that God keeps for his people. He keeps them for you in heaven, where they cannot decay or spoil or fade away. They are for you, who through faith are kept safe by God's power for the salvation which is ready to be revealed at the end of time. Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer." -- 1 Peter 1:3-6 if anyone has any further thoughts on this post do spit them out in private. |
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