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read between the lines
status update anyway, from then until now, life's been yet another bend and a curve. or should i say a curve and a bend, and now i'm trying to bend the curve before i nosedive...again.my friend was right, i was right; it was a fad and i did get over the latest 'cling', much sooner than before. i did recover from my choking cough and sore throat, though it took three long weeks and it felt like forever when i was going through it (i kept going "how long, god, how long?" in resignation 'cause my gastric pains started returning too). all i know is i woke up the wednesday after my last post and i could feel my strength returning -- a clear difference from all the other days. it was at that point that i knew i was going to get better from then onwards, and i did. and as i got better, my confidence level increased. my sound mind returned, i was better able to get a handle on work (and on my overseas boss, more notably). my managers felt more assured that i wasn't going to bail on them. and by the time i saw the psychiatrist, which was last thursday, he couldn't even tell that there was anything wrong with me. in fact, i seemed to have fooled him so well that he didn't think i'd had depression. this, coming from a man who has written a book on depression describing the very symptoms i've gone through. i found myself agreeing to see him for a second appointment when he asked if i wanted to because i felt god wasn't done with this yet, although objectively speaking, it really looks as if i paid someone nearly a hundred bucks just to give common sense advice to me. apparently we had been in the same bookstore during lunchtime the day before, without knowing who we were. later on, in my hometown of all places, i found his book sitting in the religion section. i think i am paying him more for the accountability. he said i had a dependent personality, and as my homework, he would like me to: -listen to worship songs at least half an hour before going straight into prayer during quiet time each day -exercise three times a week (we settled on cycling) -focus more on relationships with females (still alien to me, hence the technical term for this species) he also asked me to re-prioritise my desires in life, and to put god back at number one. so far i've only done the third, because i was doing it already when i came in to see him. and again i am starting to see the same results i got from previously attempting this at the start of last year. as we move past the pleasantries, she starts to bitch about other people and tries to get me to take sides. and this is always a thorny issue because for some reason or other, the people that these bitches -- okay, girls -- bitch about are usually the people i like more than hate (or at least have a neutral feeling about them). as i was starting to grapple with that, a little intermission called the weekend just passed. i witnessed a friend (the first in my circle of close friends) get married. i spent quality bonding time with my mother during the wedding (and as we walked around the interesting venue). out of nowhere, a friend from out-of-town drops by to meet up with me and another from childhood does the same -- a nice break from the boredom of spending time alone with myself. i witnessed two intimate worship services of my church's pioneer (revamped) ministry, the second of which fell along this same weekend and the most intimate moment being when i was singing the chorus of "lord i give you my heart". i looked around at the young people worshipping god in the solemn dim lighting, felt my heart strangely stirred as it resonated with the words i sang and realised that this was where i really wanted to be -- i felt so safe in that moment. and then at the start of this week as i innocently frequent a particular swedish furniture store to look for a reading chair, i also walk over to the mall across the road whose one shop had a rather disturbing view...and that caused the invisible gears into my mind to spin out of their grooves. next thing i knew, i was a wreck again. so what happened? "He never ever saw it coming at all He never ever saw it coming at all He never ever saw it coming at all... Hey open wide, here comes original sin Hey open wide, here comes original sin (aeroplane noise) Hey open wide, here comes original sin... Power to the people We don't want it, we want pleasure And the TVs try to rape us and I guess that they're succeeding And we're going to these meetings but we're not doin' any meetin' And we're trying to be faithful but we're cheatin', cheatin', cheatin'..." it's so strange but i never saw regina spektor's lyrics to hero in this way until tonight (it's friday night now and i'm re-editing this post) when i just happened to click 'play' on this song (it's been one of my favourites ever since it appeared in that dramatic scene in 500 days of summer). and i finally understand what the aeroplane noise she makes is: it's like when a mother is trying to feed her toddler on a high chair and she pretends the spoon is an aeroplane whizzing into the kid's oral cavity. so here i am, at the crossroads again. i have, serendipitously, a temporary gang of friends borrowed from mincaye (another out-of-town friend) for the weekend, a third service in which the pioneer cell groups for this revamped ministry hold their first meeting, and a clean break away from what led my mind astray in the first place. what will i do? (sounds so wwjd.) guess i'll find out soon enough.
be excellent to each other "the most excellent way is love."that's what the youth pastor said in his sermon the day after my last post. since the sad keanu meme's been going around lately, it made me think of what keanu's character's sidekick, bill said from bill and ted's excellent adventure: "be excellent to each other." if you combine the two, you get this (the christianised version according to matt the youth pastor). "be loving to each other." ahahaha. okay that was lame. on a more serious note, i kinda disagree with the phrase this week's pastor borrowed from john piper, that "god is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him". it's such a likeable phrase that initially when my cell group members had a round-the-table sharing, i said i felt i needed to realise the above (i was thinking of contentment vs. performance trap). but almost after i said that, i had my doubts. because i mean, with the superlatives it just sounds inaccurate. now, i think god is most glorified when we obey his commandments, not when we find ourselves happy in him. and by now i mean after a chasing-the-wind, all-too-familiar pursuit of pleasure here on earth. i think christian hedonism, or whatever way you choose to label it, is incorrect because it isn't the whole truth. i picked up and read harold j. sala's making your emotions work for you in the bookstore yesterday and i think i agree with what he said about pain -- that it is necessary, either to bring us to a closer union with god or to help us identify with our target audience of service. that god favours moulding of character more than our happiness (that's another borrowed phrase but i don't know where it originated from).
heavy in your arms i just saw twilight: eclipse and heard the most amazing song at the middle of the credits: heavy in your arms by florence and the machine. why they didn't play this during the movie baffles me -- it's as good as thom yorke's hearing damage effect on the second movie. speaking of which, it was disappointing not to hear thom's voice anywhere in this movie; i thought it was becoming a radiohead-muse trend for twilight movies. it feels really weird (in that incongruent yet interconnected way) listening to heavy in your arms while reading psalm 139, this week's anchoring scripture in preparation for sunday worship (i know, i know, i haven't really been heaven-focused this week). "LORD, You have searched me and known me..." "I was a heavy heart to carry, My beloved was weighed down..." "You understand my thoughts from far away..." "My arms around his neck, My fingers laced to crown..." "You observe my travels and my rest..." "I was a heavy heart to carry, My feet dragged across ground..." "You are aware of all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, You know all about it, LORD..." "My love has concrete feet, My love's an iron ball, Wrapped around your ankles, Over the waterfall..." You have encircled me; You have placed Your hand on me..." "I'm so heavy, heavy Heavy in your arms I'm so heavy, heavy Heavy in your arms..." "[This] extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to [reach] it..." "And is it worth the wait, All this killing time? Are you strong enough to stand, Protecting both your heart and mine?..." "Where can I go to escape Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there..." "Who is the betrayer? Who's the killer in the crowd? The one who creeps in corridors And doesn't make a sound..." "Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all [my] days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began. "My love has concrete feet, My love's an iron ball, Wrapped around your ankles, Over the waterfall..." "My bones were not hidden from You when I was made in secret..." "I'm so heavy, heavy Heavy in your arms; "I'm so heavy, heavy Heavy in your arms..." "f I live at the eastern horizon [or] settle at the western limits, even there Your hand will lead me; Your right hand will hold on to me..." "I was a heavy heart to carry But he never let me down When he had me in his arms My feet never touched the ground..." "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns..." "This will be my last confession 'I love you' never felt like any blessing..." "See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way." "Whispering like it's a secret Only to condemn the one who hears it With a heavy heart..." there came a moment of clarity when i was watching the movie...suddenly it was all so simple what i needed to do. however, it's only a matter of time before my emotions fog up my clear-headedness...but i'll take whatever clarity i can get. really freaked out i had a sharp gastric pain at my side in the morning (plus the overseas boss was indirectly giving me hell even from home) so i decided to see the doctor. other than gastric pills, i asked if he could give me something now while i wait impatiently for my psych appointment.he prescribed me an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety set of pills which i retrieved from the pharmacy that i was told (by both him and the pharmacists) was safe and that unfortunately, the anti-depressant would take 2 weeks to work. i felt physically tired from all the mental combat so i went to take a rest, but when i got up i started getting really stressed thinking about work. i was about to take the anti-anxiety pill (note: i have never been on drugs for mental health issues before) when i decided to do some checking on the internet...and i promptly flipped out after reading up. apparently, my anti-anxiety pill lexapro is actually an anti-depressant and reading from the many responses on this site, people either can't sleep or end up sleeping too much, they get flatulent (how's that for my already gastritis-prone stomach) and -- here's the worst bit -- they become zombified! apparently, quitting the pills cold turkey causes these or worse symptoms, so that means i'd be forcibly hooked on the drugs as i lessen my dosage gradually (and still have these symptoms around). i mean, i know i've been talking a great deal on this blog about how i feel i'm living a dead life, just subsisting to get through each day instead of really living, but to imagine being emotionally numb like a zombie with an even greater lack of desire to get out of bed each day sounds like a sure road to hell and suicide. that's not even counting the teeth-grinding and 'electric shock' spasms that some people have. i nearly fainted when i searched for my prescribed anti-depressant seroxat: even wikipedia (the vox populi of online searches) and the official manual itself says a ton of stuff about high discontinuation (withdrawal) symptoms and actually encouraging suicidal thoughts especially in young people! there's even been a recent court inquest about a prominent suicide case caused by this drug. because of that, seroxat (or paxil in the US) is apparently the most addictive of this classification of drugs (SSRIs). according to this site, it's the most addictive because it doesn't work as well as before if you skip on the medication and try to get back to the routine, while at the same time having to deal with the horrible side-effects. so what are the withdrawal symptoms (other than wanting to kill yourself, which is the main reason why you started taking these pills in the first place)? nausea and the same thing as lexapro -- somnolence aka. zombification. erm...i think after reading all this i'll just stick to my mild (in comparison) depression and anxiety and figure out non-drug ways of working this out (like life coaching, which seems to work). hopefully the psychiatrist i see will agree with me to do this. god, give me wisdom to know the right way out.
my suffering has a name shortly after this post, i confessed to my cell group (during sharing time) that i was in a struggle of finding my identity. i didn't know who i was, because i felt like a nobody when i felt i wasn't needed or of use. two weeks later, my cg leader reminded my of my "identity crisis" during a serendipitous (okay providential, if that's more religiously correct) meeting in which i spilled the beans on the ex-friend situation.during the week that followed, on a particularly discouraging evening, i "stumbled upon" this booklet. and just like that, my (and my cg's) prayers were answered. i made the startling discovery of who i am now and why i have been feeling this way for years: i have codependency issues. i couldn't tear my eyes off that booklet even though it was getting late and i had work the next day because its description of codependent tendencies and coping mechanisms was chillingly familiar. and that night i was forced to admit the ugliness of myself and see my faults for what they really were: a genuine and realistic assessment of who i was in words i had previously been unable to put together. i am referring to this bit especially:
so basically i have been a lying manipulator as much as i hate to admit it, i've just been in denial all these years. i've fooled myself (and probably some people) so well i didn't even realise this is what i really am. it's not what i am in the future, but it's what i am now, and now that i know this i need to stop it. i just need to remember it though (it's not like i'm conscious that i'm manipulating someone when i'm in the act of manipulating them). i started searching up on codependency yesterday after i codepended on that someone and saw this that made sense too (not all criteria fit my bill, but a good number of them do). i mean the term codependency has resonated with me before but i didn't know it was a complex disorder, i thought it was just some adjective you use to describe someone clingy. i mean it all makes sense, and i feel depressed/experience a stunted recovery of depression because i fail to break the cycle of codependency. finally my suffering/depression has a name and a reason. only question now is: how do i recover? i've got a little guide here but i'm not entirely sure how to get there. i think i'm at step 5 of the 12-step recovery programme (i know, i thought that was only for alcoholics too). celebrate recovery seems like the perfect thing except it doesn't exist in this part of the world -- the main book was even sold out at one of the bookstores i checked out today. my support person today had this bit of wisdom to share: that it's a change of my heart (from god) that's going to break the cycle and not so much how much self-control i can apply (to resist the urge to cling). and that the void of emptiness in my heart can only be filled by god through learning to enjoy being alone (but not really alone because He's there), so i should keep on keeping at it (that's the hard part -- i almost always feel like i can't survive on my own). maybe it's a good thing i've to wait for my clinical appointment, so at least it gives me time to figure out what's wrong in me that needs fixing, otherwise i'd be wasting my time (and money) over several sessions trying to identify which issue is more pressing than the rest that needs to be resolved.
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