|
|
|
read between the lines
a sight to behold but with that off my chest, i did have a good time meeting up again today. (yes friend, you made my day today :) and it was good to get to finally see you and catch up on our lives after sooooo long.)and the sky was really a vivid display of brilliance this evening, more awesome than usual. too bad i didn't bring my camera. something in the sky started to tell when i was crossing the causeway and the sky started to turn the colour of a dusty road. it was highly unusual to see the whole sky a yellow ochre instead of the usual blue. and then it started to rain...and of course, the usual evening jam. and then later while my parents and i were having dinner out in the open, the sky started to really perform for us. behind me the sky was a bright orange, like someone had taken a brush and splashed out the colour orange onto that whole area behind. in front of me, i saw great contrasts of grey and blue as the clouds started to turn dark from lack of sunlight. soundless thunderbolts could be seen at one particular mass of clouds. and then the magic came. a really long and wet rainbow appeared before my very eyes as the thunderbolts disappeared and the tail of the rainbow emerged from there. the rainbow was so clear (it wasn't one of those weak rainbows where you can't see all eight colours) and so long that when i ran out to the furthest end of the road i couldn't even see where the rainbow ended (stupid buildings were blocking). now that, other than being a beautiful sight, spelled promise. anyone who's read the bible will know what i mean. my parents didn't see it that way, as usual. they just glanced up and "uh"-ed before continuing their conversation. they didn't seem keen on talking about the sky either. but i'm used to people in general not sharing the same appreciation i have for the skies i guess. i mean, i haven't known or seen anyone i know who is as fascinated as i am with god's canvas. they'll usually just go, "oh yeah. stars." and go back to their business...hahaha. i haven't seen anyone crane their neck to spot the stars or stare at the changing rays of sunlight as long as i have. and if anyone knows such a person, please refer me to him/her. haha. back to the rainbow, it disappeared after 5 minutes. so very fast. and when i turned around, the orange had turned into bright, thick bands of orangey-red. it looked like one of those simulated clouds in those computer games i've played before. surreal. great to see the sky come all out to perform like that today. and on an unrelated note, the patrons, my parents and i witnessed a near-accident in front of our dinner tables. it happened after the rainbow disappeared. some stupid lady driver forgot to put the gear in park and ended up rolling her white proton wira down the hill onto oncoming cars, with her passengers still inside and with one of them jumping out of the car. at first we all thought the one who ran out got run over, since she fell. and i thought the oncoming cars would crash into this unfortunate car. but thankfully god's angels decided to play host today and shielded them from harm. it's not like anyone of us up here could help in time anyway, cos it happened so fast, the place we were dining at was a raised platform area and it was quite a distance away.
cold reception it was like the atmosphere just changed suddenly. even my friend noticed it too. i went to collect some stuff (and also come over just to visit) what used to be the old organisation i used to be affiliated with...and i was met with a cold reception.there was a warning on the way up...one of the students had a hint of stiffness about her, but when we got up, i was quite taken aback. i came over, all smiles, and i got none back. conversation was terse, as if there was a "what are you doing here?" cloud hanging over our heads. if i'd have typed out the conversation here, it would have sounded normal, but if you had been there and seen it play out, and watched the expressions on their faces....you would have known the conversation was anything but normal. there were underlying tones of...unwelcomeness in their interaction with me. i was thinking to myself, like what have i done wrong? i mean, i always knew somehow or other i never really fitted in with them, but the last two meetings we had together, they were surprisingly nice so i thought our ties were beginning to be mended. it started when my friend and i attended that farewell for the 3rd years, and everyone was more friendly than usual that my friend said maybe they really are nice people after all. but on hindsight maybe they were just glad to get rid of me, so that could've explained the reason for their unusual gladness in seeing my friend and i off. and then there was this other briefing that i went to, which they called up because they neeeded manpower for their thingy that week. and i had expected a cold reception then but everyone seemed so warm but for all i know, they were just being nice because they needed my help. the only wrong that i can recall ever doing them was not coming over to help out for their thingy, but i already called in sick and it's not like i purposely wanted to fall ill just so i couldn't go. i came up there wanting to apologise, but i stopped mid-sentence when i looked at the grim look on one of their faces. the only reasoning i can come up with is...what rumour have they heard this time? i mean seriously. i know i shouldn't expect higher, but i always find it hard to swallow when christians act that way. i mean, i just thank god that that was not the reception i walked into when i first joined this organisation. cos like, how are they going to bring people to christ with that kind of attitude? i mean they say they have this motto to bring the unknown to jesus and yet to their own brethren they treat them with contempt so, i can't see how we're going to bring in the jessicas (read: the queers) of this world into that door if all they want is their sugar-coated, fits-their-criteria clique. and i just don't understand their politics. i don't understand how the staff of a supposedly christian environment can entertain rumours and gossip and allow it spread. i don't understand how some of the staff can believe what other staff say about me that just isn't true instead of taking my word for it or at least asking me face-to-face if i'm really like that. and i just don't understand how come sometimes, my non-christian friends can treat me with so much more dignity than their christian counterparts. it really makes you wonder who your real friends are, and who's being nice because they really want to, and who's putting on their masks because they have to. the talented mr. damon "I always thought it would be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody."i'd practically forgotten that memorable and thought-provoking quote from the movie until i saw it again yesterday. and, after watching it yesterday, several years on, i still came to the same conclusion. matt damon is really talented! and i forgot how good-looking he was, hahaha. cos i mean these days in the movies he's mostly in a crew-cut hairstyle so i kind of forgot his old softer look.  mr. 'chio' before his haircut but back to talent. i mean, wow, he's really good at playing such a versatile character. and his acting has passed the test of time haha. he did some really convincing impersonations in the movie, and he did really well playing two totally different people. to elaborate, he plays this nerdy, homeless, nobody kind of guy called tom ripley, who kills a super-rich, carefree son of a shipping magnate called dickie greenleaf and eventually assumes his identity, hence the quote above. at first i thought like, man, he really does scream like a girl and is a bit of a nerd when he plays tom ripley everytime there's a scene where he kills someone, but i noticed that he acted totally different when he took over dickie greenleaf's identity. and he looks nothing like a nerd when he plays dickie greenleaf. amazing talent. and that quote above, yeah, that is one thought-provoking quote. is it really better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody? my stand on it has changed, now that i'm older (and hopefully wiser haha). when i first saw the movie when i was young(er), somehow or other i felt that being or trying to be like someone else who's a great role model or something could actually be more beneficial than being just plain old you. ah, those adolescent years of trying to find one's identity. but er, since i was never good at faking, i resigned this opinion to a mere theory that i never really put into practice (except maybe in front of the authorities). but now, yesterday, when that line came out during the show, i realised i feel totally different about it now. there is not one part of me now that would rather shadow as someone else if could. and a great deal of that has to do with knowing how much god loves me. knowing that even if i was a nobody, i no longer am once i step into the light. and that i am someone in god's eyes even if the world does not recognise me. i suppose i could sorta relate to that character's insignificance in the movie when i was young. but i guess i've come a long way since then cos i don't feel like i'm anything like that character now. haha, except the one part in the movie when the real dickie is fighting with tom in the boat and dickie says, "You can be a leech -- you know this..." (actually that's the beginning of how pissed-off he makes tom and how that eventually leads to tom unintentionally killing him.) i mean currently, i can say with confidence i am not a leech, but i was one not too long ago. so yeah. that's something i'm still i'm still trying to work out with god. agent orange people who are familiar with my blog know i don't usually do photo blogging, but today is different; i could do with some cheering up.the sky turned orange today during sunset. it was one of those evenings where you feel like you've just stepped back through time into some faded 70s photograph. was supposed to be elsewhere today, helping out with the kingdom of god, but as i fell ill since wednesday night, i was not able to attend. feel a little better though. and the sky rocked today. here are a few shots:   i would've taken more shots like the last, because i feel the colour of it really captures that dusky atmosphere, but it would've ended up looking like this:  that bright yellow glob is the unwelcome streetlamp. but all the same, i enjoyed taking in the view, especially today's sunset.  the orange spilling out all over the sky and cracking out of the heavens like that was reminiscent of the hope that resurrection sunday brings; hope not just limited to the empty tomb, but hope that everything else is possible because of that empty tomb. what i'll miss i'm gonna miss my current passport. for 3 years it has helped me get to school on time without having to take the average 45-minute queue which everyone else (mostly holiday-makers) takes and i finally have to say goodbye to it by the end of this month, even though i'm going to be needing it pretty badly for the next 3 years. sigh.our government, for some reason, has no longer issued these "golden tickets" and has ordered that passports of my type cease validity by end july (but for the other government it's end april). so my life's gonna be harder getting in and out of the country. but that's not the only reason why i'm sad to see my passport go. my passport number is so well-suited to me. if only i could keep the number when i get a new one (but i can't). it starts with my initial, and follows with a string of consecutive numbers. i mean how cool is that. getting a bit sentimental looking at it...haha. good friday this early morning is good friday. the remembrance of the day that jesus hung on that cross and died for me. sometimes i wonder if jesus, being human, never felt so alone and deserted as during the time when he hung like a slab of meat on that cross waiting to die. his disciples fled, peter disowned him out of fear, everyone from the robbers to the guards scorned him, and worst of all his (and our) Heavenly Father turned His face away from him.sometimes i feel that too...feeling alone in a sea of faces. especially after someone tells me something i'd rather wish i never knew. it puts me in a position where i don't know who to trust and therefore i don't know who to talk to. and those i feel safe talking to are no longer safe to talk to anymore, because....our words get stuck in the mists of awkward silence. we don't know how much we can reveal to each other. at least i don't. and it's not like i can force a person to speak up if they don't want to either (and even if i could i would'nt). but yet after all that he still stuck to his guns and even had the heart to say, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." oh how i wish i could have such readiness in my heart to forgive those who've hurt me time and time again by their unkind, untrue and unjustified words. and to the people who start to doubt my integrity by believing the lies...so fickle, so many of them. why don't they just ask me to my face and give me fair trial? because such is our society, we prefer to keep things unspoken, rather than just being transparent. jesus was a man who stood by his cause. i admire the fact that because he loved his Father so much and he loved us (among other reasons), he obediently allowed himself to be handed over and to suffer instead of running away. and because of that everyone throughout the timeline of mankind's history who believed was saved. oh, love that found me. unconditional, eternal, rewarding love. i can honestly say (but then again so can millions of others) that without jesus' love i would have never held up amidst the tide of ongoing, ever-present rumours that continue to dog me most of my life (and will continue to i presume) and become the person i am today, secure in christ. true, i still lack confidence, but when rumours threaten me with the same old excuse, (at this point and time in my life) my one reference of security is Jesus, my indestructible and 100% reliable source of inner confidence. thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for me and everyone else. re: lost so it turns out there's yet hope after all. anyways when i woke up the next day after having a nearly sleepless night, it all felt like nothing more than a bad dream. we shall see what happens in the end...but meanwhile i'm just glad i'm up on my feet again...if anything that night was a preparation for my senses.lost in an ironic twist of fate, i might get to work and live on my own after all. it looks like i might not be going to uni. nope, i didn't get the confirmation yet, but unofficially...i've been told through reliable sources.you know, it's funny. about a year before this, i started a journey. a journey of discovering where i was supposed to go after third year. i even wrote it in my blog (it's in here somewhere). i (and others) prayed for direction and discernment in trying to figure out where to go after third year. and then somewhere along the way i fell in love with a course, a course from uni. and i thought, maybe, god has answered my prayers and this is the discernment he's given me. and now, i find out it's 99% not the case. which means god did not answer my prayer one year ago. even though i prayed constantly from then until now that i might know what on earth i must do after i leave poly. i'm still in shock. i didn't have a backup plan. i didn't even bother looking for a job. which leaves me...lost. stranded. confused. and wondering and wishing god would just boom his loud voice into my ear and say "this is where you are supposed to go!" because knowing is better than not knowing at all. pray for me if you read this and feel moved to. i just lost my appetite to surf the web today. -- i need a hug.but i know i'll get none in the stony silence. i halfheartedly wonder how it'd be like if spirit suddenly took on flesh and that which we call the presence of god apparated (yes, i read harry potter every night) into muscles and sinew and just reached out and...gave me a hug. family i have a few things to say.i hate my family. i hate the fact that i have unsupportive parents who can't even support me in even the simplest of things consistently and leave me questioning whether they really love me or whether i'm just an obligation to them. i hate the bad memories and the years of physical and verbal abuse i've had to put up with this fcking family. and i hate the new memories that keep adding on to it and bringing back the more horrific ones to mind. i don't deny that jealousy is beginning to take root in me when i see my brother getting away with so very much while i have to be given less freedom and more restriction. i hate my parents for how they've treated me and how they continue to treat me. i hate the fact that they can be so irrational at times and i can't even reason with them because they just plain refuse to admit where they've gone wrong even if i am (for my part). i am old enough to be called an adult and yet i am still prevented from living or working on my own. and i am beginning to regret bitterly that i did not rebel to that and therefore played a part in my own imprisonment. i am starting to question whether it really was a good decision to stick around. how, like practically almost everyone in my hometown left for faraway pastures, far out of their parents' sight and control and how i, stupidly, decided to study in a location that is so near that i am forced to return home everyday to be held under their supervision and control. once again i ask god bitterly, why the hell was i born into this family and how on earth did i spring from the loins (and the unfortunate womb) of such abusive tyrants. and why i must endure this any longer than i have to even though every inch of me just wants to get out of here and stay far far far far far away from my "family". even now out of the corner of my eye i see my brother doing something sneaky and it makes me burn with anger how he gets the liberty to do it and i can't. and how it's a cycle that will never end and how i can't wait to move out of this stupid household and be free from all these stupid double standard rules. people don't understand and they think my feeling oppressed is overrated. as far as i know, they weren't beaten up when they were young. they didn't get parents who consistently shouted degrading, sarcastic, put-me-down remarks in my ear during the times when i needed them the most. there are memories but i won't care to mention. no, unlike almost everyone i know, i had to be the soul that was put into this family. i had to be the one to endure, and to continue to endure all this shit my whole life and watch my parents do what their own parents did to them. i had to be the one here. oftentimes i wonder if i would have been a better person had i not landed into this family. a little less rage, a lot more confidence...sometimes i wonder. but then god tells me that i have become what i have become for good reason. and that what i am is not "monstrous". (exhale). i've calmed down already. thank god. v for very good "Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified.up till now i'm still marvelling at the theatric splendour at which this string of V-words were carried out. and, judging from the online forums, people's heads are still spinning from this very popular phrase. nobody could have said it better than hugo weaving. the way he enunciates each word makes whole sentences come to life and definitely livens up the painted, unmoving mask he's wearing. watch the movie if you're impressed. haha. p.s. when i first heard this quote onscreen the first person that came to mind was the Architect from the Matrix Revolutions.
happy Susan (reluctantly): "I want you to be happy...and I really want Edie to be happy too,..."the above conversation took place when susan was speaking to her ex-husband karl after she just accidentally rammed down his girlfriend (and her competitive, across-the-street neighbour) edie with her car after karl accused her of being jealous, which she had just refuted. lately, i feel like susan too (in the above situation) sometimes. on and off. especially when you see a growing number of people getting "happy" and leaving you behind in the sandpit with your dark cloud still hanging over your head. it's not that you're jealous, but, like susan, you always thought that you'd be comfortably "happy" first before you got to see other people getting "happy" too. and of course it can be a little upsetting when you look around and it seems like you're the only one left who doesn't know how to fly when everyone else who was with you left the nest. unfortunately, life isn't a bed of roses and suffering is only part of our daily lives, as long as we choose to take up the cross and follow christ. his glory sometimes seems light years away, 'cause heaven and eternity seems like such a faraway concept that it's kinda hard for a finite, human mind to grasp, but eventually you get the point. eventually. either that or you wait for the next reward or "break" god's going to give you. which doesn't seem to be just round the corner. either that or the corner's like 50 million blocks away. okay, so i'm not exactly depressed now (thank god) but i'm definitely not happy either. and i hate the fact that so many things are unresolved, so much so that i don't even know what's going on or where i stand or what i even want. this movie made me think i think anyone can tell i'm in high spirits today, all because of one movie. haha. i've been wanting to talk about it for ages and ages, but i just haven't had the patience or right frame of mind to sit down and blog about it.i think i'll start with what i think about the movie, before i start going on about what the movie makes me think about. firstly, when i saw it, i thought it was the best thing to hit the screens in months. because besides the great acting (but isn't that expected of actors?), it was the first movie that actually got me thinking about its concepts and message after the thing ended. and it was the first in a long time that i've honestly, really wanted to watch a 2nd, 3rd, 4th time. and not only that, up to this day it is the only movie to have ever occupied my mind long enough to distract me from my tracas. back to what made me want to watch this movie, out of all the rest, again. going by my taste, i haven't seen what i'd call movies of substance come out in recent months. most of the shows i've managed to watch are just, laugh-out-loud, slapstick, or cheesy movies that temporarily entertain you while you're in the theatre, but that you'd forget about (as in not automatically recall unless prompted) once you get out, or at the most, in like a week. but this movie got me pondering about its political and philosophical concepts the minute i stepped out of the theatre. and i haven't watched a movie that's actually made me think in this way since the matrix. haha. rightly so, since this movie was under the wachowski brothers and crew (as was the matrix's). and they managed to pull it off again. i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one who's been stirred to think further. the geniuses who wrote the graphic novel that this movie was based on deserve the credit too. hats off to them for creating such a politically realistic environment and yet instilling in us the hope and promise that comes from the story. i went online and found out that the wachowskis did make revisions to the movie script that were slightly different from the graphic novel's, but the essence and structure of the original still remained. now that i've done the criticism bit, i'm eager to move on to the cerebral bit. -a few spoilers to follow, can't be helped- thoughts references to the real world nazi germany i had a good one hour to think about the movie and the first thought that came to mind was how strikingly similar the england in the movie was to pre-nazi germany. i felt that it couldn't be more obvious that the creators of v for vendetta were indirectly referring to germany of that time (but that's my own opinion, i could be wrong). the chancellor being the head of state was the most obvious sign for me. others were the experimenting and unexplained "disappearences" of invalids or, as mentioned in the movie, "undesirables", which included homosexuals among others, the dumping of naked corpses into open pits, the presence of secret police called "fingermen" (in the comic, "watchmen"), the fact that they had national curfews and speakers all over the streets, the sight of the chancellor passionately elocuting a speech after which soldiers clad in dark colours would march according to their respective infantries, etc. even the chancellor's name, which the wachowskis changed to sutler, is a combination of both the original name (susan) and hitler -- a fact which i found online here, amongst a whole ton of other stuff i didn't think of. marcos' philippines the cause for which V wanted to execute a vendetta reminded me of the "people power" revolution which took place in philippines during marcos' regime. of how there is strength in great numbers if there is a common agreement that unites them enough to be committed to whatever it is they're executing as a group. -cut- time flies. i kinda knew i wouldn't be able to finish this, because there is no way something that elicits so much verbal and cerebral response that it is enough to keep me thinking about it for days can be crammed into so few paragraphs tonight. i think i could honestly write a paper on this, haha. so i'll continue when i feel like it. i haven't even got to the meat of the story yet.
J for Jessica finally got to see V for Vendetta again today before it left the cinemas for good. had been planning to watch it last week since i thoroughly enjoyed watching first watching it the week before but, things cropped up and somehow or other i was unable to watch the movie at that particular time it was screening (it was going to go off soon so they started scheduling the timing to odd hours).that show is so damn fantastic that i have so many praises for it...but before that, i thought i'd like to do a little parody. it occured to me that, as the movie ended and i remained in my seat, all i'd have to do is put on a Guy Fawkes mask and black hat and i'd look like V too, since i already have long black hair for V's wig. haha. so this is what i came up with:  what do you think of the new V, or should i say, J? still doesn't look quite right, though. so, how about....  this? looks more like it, i think. hahaha. rough malay an attempt at bahasa pasar or the rough, colloquialised malay i used to speak so often in, but have started to lose touch of since i got started shuttling in and out of this country everyday (haha). decided to do it in rough malay because, it's not been done before in my circle. i mean i've known friends who don't usually speak malay attempting to blog in perfect malay, but not street malay, so why not i be the first? like i said, i've decided to attempt, not perfect. and after writing it i realised it still sounds a bit polished. but it's better i feel. haha.if anybody needs a dicky, look it up here. unfortunately it doesn't reference slang words, so you won't be able to find some of the words. :p ~ aku merindui masa yang terlepas. yang dulu-dulu ketika aku dalam keadaan lebih gembira and hampir tanpa kekecewaan. ku tak ingat masa sekarang ni akan berasa begitu teruk. kadangkala aku tanya Tuhan, kenapa patutlah ku rasa macam gini? mengapakah aku tengok yang orang lain tu dah progres ke depan dan aku macam masih belum gerak lagi? ada orang yang saya tengok dah dapat hadiah mereka, gembira sangat mereka, tapi aku? rasanya aku tertinggal macamnya. tapi saya tau, Kau tak bersifat begitu. Kau Tuhan yang baik, tak akan tinggalkan ku saja di belakang macam tu. dan saya tau, ada suatu hari Kau akan angkatkan aku daripada parit depresi ni. Kau amat setia, tak akan terlepaskan aku. dan dengan harapan tu aku akan meneruskan perjalanan ni.
what i miss feeling a bit nostalgic today, so i decided to put this up: i miss my old room. it's been a looong time since i've had what they call an "organised mess" in my current abode. right now the place i'm sleeping in is bare and sucky. i feel like a frustrated artist. haha. i can't wait for things to get back to normal. sure, i thank god the brunt of the stress caused by the construction is gone, but still, i can't wait for me to get back my room. wherever it is. by the way, construction at my house ain't over yet, it's just been...postponed. projek terbelangkai. till...i really don't know when. none of my parents can give a clear answer either. dear god dear god,
please blind me to the things i need not see, the things that cause me so much pain, and open my eyes to the things i really need to be seeing, like Your hand in mine. and Your kingdom and Your righteousness. amen. jiwang god help us. it's jiwang season again and the jiwang mood has invaded most of us females' minds...me included. well actually i didn't actually feel jiwang...until i chanced upon this piece of "touching" poetry, the opinions of which i kinda agreed with..and then i found out some of my other friends are making their jiwang-ness known online too through their writings. won't say which so i don't get into hot soup ;).for the uninformed, jiwang is a malay slang word. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}