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read between the lines
sluggishness i'm so stoned and yet i'm still stuck in front of the pc at 4am. i'm too lazy to get up. if only i could close my eyes and curl up on this small creaky chair. empty cup of milo's in front of me. skillet's one real thing blasting in my ears...and yet i feel so numb. i'm paralysed by sluggishness. the only thing i'm not so lazy to do is type. and look at the screen. i think i can type even while i'm sleeping. it's like i eat, breathe and sleep words. something like music i guess. but even then sometimes i need to shut it all out to be in the peaceful silence.i like sundays. because i get to go to church and energize my spiritual batteries and realign my often-myopic focus. it's not everyday you get to sing songs of praise, worship, adoration, etc. among a congregation and feel the healing warmth run through you from head to toe. it's just different singing alone in the morning, and even then it's not like i can without my family eavesdropping and then using it as a weapon of hypocrisy against me later (so i have to shut up and sing it in my head if i do). which is why i kinda liked this christian camp i attended when i was still having school days. cos right before i left for classes i got to sing truly gratifying (both to god and to the singer) songs which totally calmed my mood before i went out into the real world to face whatever challenges. and anyway singing stuff like that always served as a good reminder throughout the day of god's presence. though i must admit on the 2nd or 3rd day, i can't remember which, i kinda lost it all, calm mood and all, when my wallet got stolen. i kinda just freaked out because it contained extra money, in fact money for a week, since i was staying for that camp thing. so that was really a test and a lesson learnt i guess. but overall the sundays rock because of church. it doesn't matter what church i go to, or whether i've got a clique or not (most of the time la, unless i'm feeling particularly loser-ish and i haven't prepared myself mentally), or whether the sermon is so boring you want to tune out. god always has something for me to know, or learn, or be healed at. and of course worship is the best time, because it combines two of my favorite addictions: words and music. and truly, i come to my senses usually in those crucial moments (the sermons are an additional revelation). i start to realise that life is so much bigger than just me, or my problems, or my friends' problems, or the whole human race. that life includes nature, the animals and trees, planets, stars (my mind is now wandering back to that night at genting). spirits and another world we don't see which we will spend an eternity in after this short passage. and that god has set order to each and every one of these things. and that it is only illusion that things seem to be descending into chaos and out of control, when in fact there is a plan and a perfect purpose behind every mishap, every accident, every death, every trial, every....thing. and we just have to trust that god's driving skills behind the wheel are immeasurably better than ours if we were the ones driving our lives. and i suppose after we've been reminded that there is order after all, we have to remember the order we were given by god before he left this earth: to preach the good news and to preach it everywhere. to teach it, examplify it, uphold it and most importantly: believe in it. for that is why we're still alive, because our work in god is not done yet. that's the part where i go, "shit...." and then it dawns on me that all these problems are just distractions to deflect us from the true purpose. and this is something i think not only me, but each and every one of us has to go through (as in the process of being preoccupied with worldy things and and then suddenly pinched and being reminded of the truth of the reality of eternity) time and time again. since none of us is perfect and never will be until we've died. |
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