|
|
|
read between the lines
more pain sighzers.......i "relapsed" again, so to speak....but i was never really healed of my old problem anyway....it's still taking quite some time...but better i fully "recover" than never really heal my whole life......but wow....god really cares. today he did for me one of those "god" things, those i-know-it-was-You things that let you know He's god...i was sitting at my recently-found "hiding place", writing my heart out when someone from crusade found me. and of all ppl, it was her. no, she's not the one i'm having problems with, but....yeah....well i didnt expect it to be her. we jus chatted awhile, n i was about the end the conversation when she jus asked me one double-barrelled question: "what are you doing here and what are you writing?" the next few moments i can honestly say i had no control over. i meant to give a short, one-worded answer, but i ended up bursting out uncontrollably...i cudn't stop for quite awhile -- and i look back in shame as i realise how embarassing it must've looked like to her bf --. it was like vomitting out tears. so long story short, she prayed for me...and yeah, i felt better (for that timebeing) and went on my way. not that i told her everything, but i told her enuff to understand. part of why i was feeling hurt had to do with this: picture this. i arrived at the place super early on time. i was standing there waiting for my team to arrive...and nobody came for half an hour. so ok, i said, why not you guys call me when ur gonna push off? i messaged. n then like one hour later they call me to come and they've already crossed half of the compound to the other side already. i reach there like i just ran a marathon. my shirt is dripping wet...and wet in some terribly embarrasing areas. ok, so i can forgive that. it was a misunderstanding, i reason. so i take some time to recover and i try to not let it affect me. by lunchtime i've forgotten it and i'm fine. and then something else has to happen, something instrumental in causing part of my grief this evening: jump to scene two, where we're all sitting around a bunch of couches and sofas. the meeting's ended, and everyone's talking. that is, almost everyone. today i had the unfortunate chance of having to sit next to someone who clams up over every word i say (or every question i ask) and having the person i am more able to converse with on the far side of the sofas, out of reach to me. and the people in front of me, act like i'm not there. it was socially demoralising and dreadfully terrible. i felt like i was back in some horrible time in my past again. i try to announce something to the group as a whole. they all look away, no eye contact and no attention save for one. i try to add to the conversation by talking to some individuals. but all i get is one-sentence answers...before the clique in front of me resumes their conversation and starts talking about their own stuff. and these are the people i'm supposed to spend my trip with? i ask silently. what did i get myself into? i hang around for another 30 mins. and after not much deviation from the current predicament, i decide to leave before wasting my time further. and my absence would not even have been noticed....until the adult leader asks where i'm going. sigh....what a day. usually, i don't care about these things so much until it affects me so badly...but today was worse i guess. probably because i expected better of these people. sigh. and as i was enduring the cold shoulder treatment, my problem had time to resurface in my mind and run through my thoughts again. and that added to my misery. i wonder how my trip's gonna go. i know now, in my "saner" mood, that i shud keep my eyes on Jesus and not on these people for the trip....that i shud strive to do god's work while i'm there and not lament that these people (well not all of them, but a certain number of them) don't really seem to want to be "united", at least in conversation. i was also thinking of what my fren, aka. an outside observer of our team noticed yesterday. "Eh?" he asked. "This group seems to be split into two," he said, gesturing to our table and the table a few feet away from us as we were having what was supposed to be our "team lunch". our team says they're gonna have a "personal retreat" next week. i'm beginning to wonder if it's even gonna be fruitful for me. i got a feeling i will remain tight-lipped throughout the whole thing, since the "clique" is so obviously indifferent to me. as for the trip, i can foresee further reenactments of today's painful silence and coldness in the days to come as we co-habit together. i can foresee conflicts and inconveniences as 7 of us girls cram into one small pathetic room, while the only 3 guys unfairly get the same-sized room to themselves. i can foresee myself going into hiding many times as i try to find a place of my own or some venue for quiet time to speak to the One who hears me (insult intended)....and most of all, i can foresee a lot of pain. it's gonna be a rough trip. i don't know how i'm gonna handle it emotionally. also, the fact that some other team is coming to stay with us is going to make it even more difficult for me to find my temporary solitude when the time comes. sigh. wish i could just go downstairs (if only it wasn't locked) and wear my heart on my sleeve as i pour out my emotions on the piano.....but sadly i was told there is no piano upstairs for that building.... and also, i am not particularly pleased with someone who keeps putting me down in a sense by using negatively-connotated choice of words in that someone's speech. that someone i think is seeing it from the point of enforcing a rebuke every time, but i see it as a letdown on that person's part. a friend is supposed to help, not to hurt. if your intention is to hurt then you might as well stop being a "friend" to me, because i really don't need to hear that right now. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}