|
|
|
read between the lines
she "besides that, someone tried to force a friendship on me..."a comment on that previous entry of mine. i guess it's a subjective issue but the key thing to be learnt has to be forgiveness. she's made me uber-angry at her so many times that i've lost count. but i guess it's up to my level of tolerance to be able to handle her. i'm not so angry now, i'm usually not after a few days...but then the next time i see her it'll be a whole new episode of learning to forgive and getting over the anger again. right now i'm just displeased...but not in a fit of rage or anything. i will admit though that it has bothered me more than often, this latest meeting of ours. it forces questions in my mind that causes me to ponder on the long-term benefits of this, if any and the worth of it. [btw, the heading below is just a pun on '10 things i hate about you'] 5 Things I Hate About You (only applies to our sessions) 1) she makes me uncomfortable 2) she expects me to trust her when she doesn't even trust me 3) she keeps repeating her questions to the point of annoyance 4) she wants me to open up and when i do it's not enough for her 5)the questions and the way she asks her questions is a borderline between rudely insincere and sincerely curious --this post has been edited. each point actually came with elaborations but on second thought, maybe not.-- okay, so maybe it's forgiveness and patience. it is, after all, a virtue, especially for me. i'm treading on foreign ground here, so i'm not really sure of what to do. because by nature i tend to stay away from scary people like these.
merdeka! got a glimpse of the nation's countdown yesterday when i passed by dataran merdeka aka. city square (no, not the shopping mall) by the seaside last night. they were having some performances on stage and there were thousands of people from all walks of life milling around, all in a happy mood. saw quite a few youths sitting on the grass that overlooks the sea by the roadside. they seemed to be having a good time hanging out with one another.fireworks popped by a few individuals were making their mark in the sky. it was 11.35pm. there was a jam at the seaside because of celebrations all the way to danga bay. i badly wanted to be around for the countdown but...unfortunately my parents were the ones driving me home and they are not fans of huge gatherings. ah well. but at least i got to see what i saw. can still remember the millenium countdown in nz...we went there because of that very purpose, but yet when the thing actually started we celebrated it in my grandma's middle-of-nowhere home in front of the TV. was damn pissed at that...especially since i was aware that a few of my friends were planning a party down here at the same time. anyway, i was home at 12 to hear the firecrackers going off in the distance. couldn't see them, cos my home isn't exactly near town, but i heard them. in the neighbourhood, a few individuals popped open a few rounds of fireworks. guess that's the good thing about living here...officially firecrackers are banned but unofficially they're still available at sundry shops. i mean okay, so firecrackers can be annoying if they're the really noisy ones that go "pop-pop-pop..." and i have read in the papers of babies getting injured because a firecracker flew in through the window but when they're handled well and not used by unscrupulous hooligans, firecrackers and fireworks can be pretty fun to watch. was kinda glad to "celebrate" it in a way by witnessing all those sights last night...made me feel glad to be home in a way. but my mom didn't see it that way though. she thinks the traffic buildup of cars and numerous motorcycles is caused by malays. she condemns the group of happy young malay children cycling down the main street by seaside with no lights and helmets on. she scorned the group of mat motors grinning and having a laugh as they sat by the roadside with their bikes. i questioned her obvious rascist remarks and unfair generalisation of the malay population but she merely elaborated on how bad they were...and since i was in no mood to start a fight i said nothing. i don't know if it has to do with being an adult or if i'm really that blind, but sometimes it's so much better to see things in an innocent and unbiased light as a youth than to be of cold and hardened heart and lambast a whole race just because of a noticeable number of bad apples. and i'm not just commenting on her take on this issue; there are others as well but for the sake of unity (and since this is a public domain which the authorities can view anyway) i'm not going to get into them. to each his own. or her own, i guess. but yeah, last night was something...last year i happened to be home late too and my celebration, though on a very minute scale, was something that warmed my heart. we were lining up for the bus at the singapore customs. it was 11.50-something pm and there were i think only 10 or so people waiting for the bus that almost never came to take us across (i mean well, it did, but at that hour the frequency of buses is much less). at 12 sharp the sound of fireworks could be heard in the distance across the causeway on the other side. the chinese guy behind me flipped on his phone and started playing negaraku in monotone ringtone. his friends grinned and they started singing along. i have never heard that song since i started schooling in singapore so listening to it brought back a sense of nostalgia. just then the bus came. it felt good to be going home to my country.
photojourn yawn...am so tired right now. but yet i cannot sleep. am stuck in school again for four hours. it's merdeka day and i'm stuck in school. wahahaha....(that's mock moaning btw, it's not a laugh). first time in my three years here that i have school on my national day. but thankfully classes today were pretty slack and they ended early since it's officially the last week of school anyway (yayayayayay). i say officially because there's still a few unofficial "last lessons" to attend and that exam to study for. but it's only one exam. thank god.since i am so unusually free today i figured i might as well enliven my half-dead brain cells by blogging here. i think my entries will make much more sense later when i'm home and i've had some sleep (if there's time). i need to blog tonight anyway because my fingers are itching to celebrate the end of fasting. am stuck here till 6 because i have to get my pictures approved for photojourn later. the lecturer's only gonna be there at that time so i'll have to kill time till then. man...i have been in the lab since friday and yesterday was the longest day of my life in there...11am-10.30pm. at 8pm i started to choke/cough from smelling all the stinky fumes from the chemicals i was dealing with. hope it doesn't affect my health or anything. my friend said i should pitch a tent and sleep inside there since i'm practically staying there. haha.. i've used up 2 fat packs of printing paper from all my efforts...and dozens of wasted prints. all in the name of perfection. i want to try to score this, after all, since my other modules don't look like i have a shot at them anyway. but i definitely have more room to breathe today, because i finally got 2 out of 5 pictures approved, and i finished my script assignment which was due today. was up doing it last night after i got back pretty late...and i had to get up at 8am for class today, which is why i feel so sleepy. 5 hours of sleep does not do a person good. but at least it's not 3 or 4 or i'd definitely be suffering. i think that's enough of photojourn to mull about right now so i am gonna start on a new post with a new topic. i shall be so glad when it's over on saturday. canine tribute day before yesterday (aug 27) was my doggies' birthdays. 56 dog years and still going strong. they show no signs of slowing down at all. i can't believe it when i count the years...8 is pretty long for dogs that short, i heard. so we gave them a treat. besides the usual meat cakes, they had extra bones today! and i decided to take out the hairbrush today and run the comb through their fur, which they absolutely love.there was what my friend would call a "perfect photojourn moment" when the bear, who had been stabilising a bone for some time with his front paws while knawing at it for some time, looked up when my dad came at the door. that perfect moment when he stared with his beady eyes and a bone dangling from his mouth was such a comical and yet....undescribable image that i cannot stamp out of my mind. the dogs were all crowding around as i arranged my props (our bicycles) around the cement floor for my photojourn shoot. like little, inquisitive children, they kept sniffing around, getting in the way of my shots and grinning away. i think i got a tail or two in some shots. they truly are my favourite furry friends. they're the one thing i can look forward to when things with the humans aren't going so well and as i've said before, if there's one thing i've noticed about dogs, it's that they really are near-perfect examples of god's unconditional love in their friendliness, forgiveness and concern. gosh, they sound like people...hahaha. but they really are. they fit the criteria of 1 corinthians 13:4-7 more than humans do, myself included.
home improvement came back unexpectedly early today, because my friend got into a bike accident...and we were supposed to be filming today (he's one of the main actors). so we had to postpone to monday, which messes up my schedule because i was planning to print out my photojourn sheets then...but it can't be helped. was a bit shaken up seeing his cuts, bruises and abrasions, though thank god they were not teruk enough to warrant inpatient treatment. but still, i turned pale when i saw blood. my least favourite sight.the modem has been blinking like siao these past few nights so i haven't been able to come online at home for long. right now happens to be a miracle that the lights aren't flickering (signifying a connection)....answered prayer in time too. cos i have an assessed discussion tutorial tomorrow and i hadn't printed my school notes until now. yesterday and the day before yesterday my dad has been expressing interest in what i do, which is (1) rare and (2) an encouraging start to something. and no, he doesn't end up trying to turn it into an argument when i talk. but somehow i can't help feeling or wishing it was like this with my mom too. i told my parents yesterday about this camp that i always go to every year since i've started school and....i thought they would have a cow like they always do because (1) this year's fees have like, jumped, like so much higher and (2) they're not too fond of the idea of camps, whether it's christian or not (and especially so since i tend to badger them into letting me go for more than 1 a year if possible). but surprisingly they did not. and my dad even supported me and agreed to pay. wowza! but speaking about the camp, i'm not too keen on the location. i mean, we're paying so much more than previous years but we've shifted location to a hostel? when i think of hostels i think of sleeping together and nowhere to escape during quiet time. which will turn out to be so, i think. besides that, someone tried to force a friendship on me yesterday and of course, it failed. it always does. i don't know if it's just me but everytime i know i'm gonna meet her i automatically look and feel so much more tired than i usually am. the dreaded interrogations get us nowhere. our "group" more often than not consists of a one-on-one between me and her. don't get me wrong, one-on-ones are preferable to me but it's not a good thing if you're not comfortable with the person you have to spend it with. sometimes i wonder why i subject myself to this every time if it seems to be getting pointless...and i'm beginning to question whether i should still carry on with it for another 6 months. but i guess the good that comes out of these forced sessions is...i see what not to do in her position. family i am amazed. today was one of those weird days where seemingly unrelated happenings seem to just tie-in with each other...days where you just cannot help but acknowledge that there is a god up there, a great Designer and Creator of some kind who is in control of the universe.i had yet another unreasonable fight with my parents. and this time i wasn't even trying to create trouble; it just happened before i knew it. we were out at danga bay cos i had to complete my shots for photojourn (and the neverending final project of which i have to keep shooting every week) and...i left my second roll of film in the car. meanwhile my first roll just ended and the car happened to be parked very far away. yeah. and next thing i know, my parents can't seem to hear a single word i am saying; it's like they're lost in their own world shaped by their own perceptions. i'm not going to get into it because it's pointless in repeating myself in exact detail over something that keeps recurring...makes for a boring read anyway. so to cut the long story short, my parents parted ways and neither wanted to talk to me; rather they were talking at me so i spotted a taxi, got into it, went to town and decided to watch charlie and the chocolate factory. had been wanting to watch it for a loongg time but i don't know what's the deal with everyone having already watched it and not wanting to watch it again. and they always ask me to watch something else with them instead...but i'm kinda tight on money since the ex-link problem last month so i figured if i do see a movie this month, i might as well watch something i want to watch, right? --ok a few spoilers on the movie here, so don't say i didn't warn you-- so i went in and saw the show, never having read the book before (i was bred more on enid blyton than on roald dahl) and was totally clueless that ... (drum roll) this was a show about family. had no idea whatsoever! i thought it was all about chocolates. (there's much more i want to say about the movie but i'll save that for another day.) it was like walking into one of those evangelistic concerts without knowing it's evangelistic. the part where willie wonka says he hates parents because they keep setting stupid rules and restrictions and then charlie tells him that parents do that sort of thing because they love you and want to protect you or something like that kinda struck a chord in me, though i still took it in with skepticism. but it was the ending that really got to me...the final closing words of the narrator: "in the end, charlie had won a chocolate factory but willie wonka had won so much more...a family." (i'm paraphrasing but it was something to that extent) i left the theatre wishing i had won a [nice] family too...when i checked my phone and found out my dad had sent me a message, the contents of which contained an apology and a reference to religion. firstly, my dad has never smsed me before other than for necessary stuff. secondly, it's been a loooong time since i've heard an apology from either my mom or my dad, like a few years...i can't even recall when the last time was. and thirdly: my dad, or my family for that matter, rarely ever mentions religion in our everyday inter-communication. true, i've noticed this year it's been increasing, especially with my mom ever since i tried getting her to open up, and even more so for this week (cos everytime she talks about him she can't help but brush on the topic of christ), but it's always been swept under the carpet when it comes to dealing with daily problems in front of the family and stuff. so i was really taken by surprise on that one. made me feel for a split second i was willie wonka (in the ending). hahaha. no prizes for guessing what i replied back. i'm pretty sure there are still more quarrels to come, but this one small yet significant step forward gives me hope that my parents and i might just actually get to have a real relationship with each other eventually (and by real i mean loving). the update ok i guess this is long overdue...well i did want to update regarding this matter, but stuff came up. either the modem started blinking due to the rain (which means no connection) or my brother was up irritating me. he's still up right now, it's just that he's thankfully pacified by the PS in front of him. let's just say that though my dad is supposed to be good at his pest control business, there's just one pest he can never get rid of.yawn. ok firstly, to those who have been asking, thanks for your concern. thanks for your prayers, thanks for reading this, thank you for asking. thank you for still befriending me even though some people think i'm as weird as fried ice-cream (which does exist, fyi). for some of you i haven't exactly gotten to say more than the sms characters can fit in. besides i like to blog anyway so i'll try to answer what i remember. my health: well, i saw the doctor on thursday night after the reunion dinner (odd timing though it was for one, but still...) and she said the reason why i'm taking so long to recover is cos i got a viral infection instead of a bacterial one. "what's a viral infection?" "it's just one of the ways flu spreads. the other way is through bacterial infection. the virus spreads through water droplets..you might've been in close contact with someone." [in my head] "darn L, i'm gonna get you for this!" (just kidding...but man it's not fair you got better so much faster than i did!) "virruss? err....it's not serious right?" (reassuringly) "no, no. it just means it takes longer to heal, that's all." so am i "aight" already, as randy jackson might put it? not exactly...but i'm on my way, i'm on my way. still got the phlegm in my throat, but it's much thinner and it bothers me less...and it's no longer yellow when i cough it out. my voice still sounds a bit funny though and my ears tend to get stuck at times, so i can't tell sometimes if i'm shouting when i talk or not. i still tire easily if i get even the least bit over-strenuous, so i try not to over-exert myself by walking around as much as i usually do (no seriously, i usually do walk a lot, especially when i'm in sing). but other than that i'm fine really. yawn. getting sleepy. as for the second thing, yes, i've stopped blaming myself for my grandad's passing and looking back, if i really had something to do with it and it helped ease his suffering, then i'm glad i was able to be a part of god's perfect plan in it. thirdly and most importantly, my time of mourning is over for my grandad, i.e. i'm not crying over him any more. when i attended his cremation and funeral rites on thursday, the only two people looking happy there were me and my grandma. let me clarify that i am not so insensitive until i can't even weep during my grandad's service, but really this is one of those supernatural moments in my life where the peace of god so transcends me that i cannot cry anymore. at first i thought it was just only for that day and maybe i was still in shock or something, but no, i haven't felt the least bit sad about him since the day i found out he passed. and i am fully aware that he's gone. because i think of him often, not just in death but in life as well. but every time i think of him, for some inexplicable reason i am filled with joy. i don't feel sad at all that he's in heaven where i want him to be, that he's finally free from his restricted body of paralysed limbs, blood-clotted brain and other stroke-related complications after 6 long years. yes. it's been that long since his stroke left him like that. and really, i think this is something i have to thank you for being a part of if you helped pray for my peace at heart. because truly, this is not my normal reaction. when my grand-aunty died last year the process to overcoming grief wasn't as smooth as this, though i admit it was eased by the fact that she accepted christ 2 or 3 days before her lungs gave up (god bless her). my mom herself is not taking it as well as i am. but then again she knew kong kong as a father, not a grandfather. so it's natural she would be much more affected by it. she's still pretty much sensitive to any topic centering around his death, whether it's cremation or funeral rites or inheritance assets. and by sensitive i mean she is easily moved to tears. but i guess it's the same for the rest of the aunties and uncles...they looked pretty much the same when we were walking down the road behind his coffin to the crematorium. speaking of which, yeah, my grandad, though he died a christian, was buried a buddhist with buddhist burial rites and all. buddhist chanting, cremation, finding his slot at the temple behind my grandparents' house, etc...i'm glad they can't take away his soul though they can take away his body. i saw him dressed in a suit for the first time in person when i looked in the coffin. and when i looked at him i was unbelievably calm and filled with a certain sense of joy....it's totally unexplainable. considering it had such an adverse effect on everybody else. as for my grandma, yeah, i don't know how but she seems to be handling it as well as me, sans the christian intervention. she was actually beaming on the day of the cremation and at the reunion dinner, she actually told me in teochew to be a good girl and study well. that's really unusual cos i'm so used to hearing her nag. i think that's where my mom got her nagging skills from. oops. yeah. i don't know how she is now though. all i know is some buddhist custom or something forbade her to follow the coffin to the crematorium so maybe not having to go through the walk and the chanting of prayers gave her less room to grieve. i need to rest. was gonna comment on the supernatural things surrounding his death and last few days but i think i'll leave that to another night. explode i should've gone to school today. would've been absent from at least half the anguish and distress my family is causing me. seriously i feel like this family is so fricking dysfunctional. where did god go in our lives? why do we only find Him as individuals and not collectively as a mini-body of christ?anger. shouting. sadness. pain. family problems. stress of a different kind. the day after i feel at odds with myself. my mom tears up everytime she talks of the wake, cremation or kong kong's death. and yet for some reason the hardness of my heart will not permit me to comfort her or be nice to her when i see this extremely rare insight into the vulnerable side of her. she never lets me see her cry all these years. the last time i saw it she was wiping away tears from a fight with her mom years ago. deja vu.kong kong's final wake before his cremation is tomorrow morning. i don't know if i can allow myself to be there for my mom because she very rarely was. it's like a holocaust survivor trying to forgive her nazi torturer. wonder how corrie ten boom did it. okay now that's exaggerated. but it's along the same lines...sorta. stuck 83by John Mayer I've these dreams I'm walking home Home when it used to be And everything is as it was Frozen in front of me Here I stand 6 feet small Romanticizing years ago It's a bittersweet feeling Hearing "Wrapped Around Your Finger" On the radio And these days I wish I was 6 again Oh make me a red cape I wanna be Superman Oh, if only my life was more like1983 All these things would be more like they were at the start of me Had it made in 83 Thinking bout my brother Ben I miss him every day He looks just like his brother John But on an 18 month delay Here I stand 6 feet small And smiling cause I'm scared as hell Kind of like my life is like a sequel to a movie where the actor's names have changed Oh well well, these days I wish I was 6 again Oh make me a red cape I wanna be Superman Oh, if only my life was more like1983 All these things would be more like they were at the start of me If my life was more like 1983 I'd plot a course to the source of the purest little part of me And most my memories have escaped me Or confused themselves with dreams If heaven's all we want it to be Send your prayers to me care of 1983 You can paint that house a rainbow of colors Rip out the floorboards Replace the shutters but that's my plastic in the dirt Whatever happened to my whatever happened to my whatever happened to my lunchbox? When came the day that it got thrown away and don't you think I should have had some sayin that decision? if only my life was... -- change 1983 to late 2000 / early 2001 and the same sentiments would fit me. was more naive and stupid then, and because of it, in a way more pure.
distracted health-wise, i've still got phlegm in my throat. but today it comes in coughable yellow chunks...bits you can just spit out by forcing out a cough.not talking helps. my voice sounds muffled and totally not me anyway. but i have a lot of thoughts. nose is totally free of blockage and my head feels okay. i really thought i was going to be too ill to finish my work today because last night i kept coughing in my semi-conscious state of sleep due to an irritated throat. --the rest of this post has been sliced off. tell me, what's the fricking point of talking about my problems when they pale in comparison to the fact that my grandad's gonna die because of me?-- "Keep me from paying attention to what is worthless; -- Psalm 119: 37
grandad-killer? f**k. i think i passed the flu to my grandad. according to my mom, he's got a whole lot of phlegm in his throat and a fever. and he's still on fluid food, can't take solids. my worst fear has come true. i could cause the death of my grandfather and it's all my fault.is this really happening? i really can't believe it. i really can't believe it. i really can't believe it. true, he was sick before me, but he sure didn't have the flu when he was down. what was i thinking, trying to see my grandad before he passed away? god forgive me....i really feel like an asshole now. and on top of that i've had a terrible day lost in my own thoughts. clear-headed realised that my condition of health is inconsistent throughout the day. one minute i'll be feeling like hell and one minute i'll be much better (of course, add many many hours in between those minutes la).today was the same. i'll admit my confidence in getting healed waned in the afternoon when i woke up cos i just felt like shit...it seems every day has a new addition to the already existing symptoms. first it was the sore throat, then the either-dripping-or-blocked nose. today it was the irritated-throat cough. and if anyone knows, i hate those types of coughs. i still grimace at the memory of my 6-week long coughing saga last year. that was really insane. today's cough, though not as teruk as that, was enough to bother me. my throat felt extremely dry even though i could feel a huge lump of phlegm lodged inside and almost every breath i drew in just irritated the throat and made me cough. and the headache was back with a vengeance. it was 3 hours to primetime (namely, the time i was due to get to church and play). and with me feeling like that, i decided to ask the band to pray for me. is that so bad of me to ask a group of like-minded christians to pray? does it signify a lack of faith in sticking it out alone? i don't really know. but what i do know is, when i woke up, i didn't feel so bad. coughing was sporadic. my nose wasn't even stuck or dripping. and that feeling of having a ton of bricks in my head for brains was gone. so i left with (renewed) confidence. i'm surprised today's playing turned out okay...and definitely glad i was able to focus on god again unlike last week. right now, to tell the truth, i'm feeling the best i ever had since this sickness started going downhill. previous nights i have always had my nose dripping while i sit here and blog but tonight i just feel fine! a total contrast from how i felt a few hours ago. the phlegm and the cough were getting to me. felt absolutely terrible the minute i got home after church. had trouble sleeping again. but i just woke up and came out from a bath, and i feel pretty good right now. i feel like a horse in high spirits. okay, enough of black beauty (it was on the telly last week). gone is my cough and my phlegm, though i can still feel it somewhere, isn't clumping in huge lumps to bother me. nose is totally clear and my nasal pasageway feels relatively dry and unclogged. wonder how i'm gonna turn out tomorrow. i wonder how's kong kong. my mom's not back yet so no news from her. sheesh...just thought of my mother again. aih....somehow i have a feeling i'm just not cut out for this. i think i just have to resign myself to the fact that i'm never gonna find what i want from her and maybe it'll help me deal with her type of character.
kong kong an update from my mom, who returned half an hour ago.kong kong's weaker, down with a fever, not eating. it really looks like he's going to go. yesterday was a good send-off. kong kong, i'll miss you but at least i can finally rest easy knowing you don't have to suffer any more up there. and in a way, my prayers for you to know more about your Maker and for you to be able to finally walk again, paralysis-free and no longer plagued with other complications caused by your stroke, will be answered. though it's not the way i initially thought it to be. parousia rocked feel a bit better now and more awake so am gonna type a bit more.parousia's final gig at third place on 29 july was awesome. yeah, their final performance after 12 years. nevermind the fact that it was a small gathering (consisting mostly of family members and friends who knew them well) as compared to sonicfest's thousands of fans, which was going on at the same time, or the fact that i went alone. in the end it was all worth it. i remember initially kicking myself and asking myself, "why am i here?" as i squirmed uncomfortably in my seat and stared at all these strangers (mostly youths younger than me) who were sitting in their cliques aka. comfort zones. they had a good strategy for keeping us (the audience) staying. they had other third place bands doing their gigs before parousia themselves came out to play as the final band. but they did expose me to some pretty good bands....one of which was caracal, whose music i particularly liked. it was teen rock, hard-blasting style. their band members all looked like they were in secondary school boys but they sure played fantastically well. and as the music started to kick in, i felt less and less uncomfortable as i started to drown myself in the atmosphere. of course the killer comfort-starter was when parousia finally stepped up to the microphone and played a very familiar first song i knew, called yield. i felt right at home listening to them and the songs i blare out on my stereo, some of which have gotten me (and are still getting me) through some pretty rough moments in my life. and the ending to the whole shebang was one moment i will never forget, at least not for a very long time. they were finishing their second last song from their brand new exchange album, i'll let you lead when lloyd's (lead singer) voice broke on the last note and he wept. i think he must've been thinking how surreal it was that they were finally going to end. i think the rest were holding back tears too. then jeff (guitarist & main songwriter) talked us through the intro to their final song, flame. it couldn't get any better than that; it was such an appropriate goodbye song. keep the fire burning for god while we say goodbye. and it (the song) was jumpy enough not to end on a sad note. and it left us with a feeling of hope. hope for the future. our place of eternal abode. and after that everyone gave parousia a standing ovation. it was definitely a surreal experience, both for them and us (the audience). i definitely, definitely felt god in the house that night. then lloyd gave a touching and memorable speech when he said, in between tears, that if ever we were to forget who or what parousia is, we should at least remember one thing: that parousia was about god, has always been about god. i agree. it's true in all their songs, right down to the meaning of parousia itself, which means second coming (of christ). and then pastor alvin (resident pastor of third place) closed us all in praying for parousia. i mean, where else on this side of the region can you get pastors closing concerts in prayer? i felt like every stranger in the room was family after that. was pretty glad jeff still remembers me. was encouraged by his words. one of the little encouragements from people that i will remember in my walk of life as i try figure out what god wants me to do in the future. parousia. was glad to have known them, was glad to see them off. all the best guys, in what you do and where god leads you in the future.
flu-bitten at one point in the day today i was so sick i thought i was going to die.okay, that was an exaggeration but hey, i felt like super super sick...like sick enough to maybe have to miss playing the piano for church tomorrow. i was trying to sleep but couldn't, because my headache was bothering me. i felt a slight fever. nose stuck, phlegm collecting in my throat. throat so dry (though no longer sore) that i felt like coughing everytime i breathed the air in. earlier on my friend described me as "so pale and so sad". wahhh...... i wonder if me falling ill on wednesday has anything to do with me running in the rain on tuesday or me (unfortunately) sitting next to someone who was coming down with the flu on wednesday. but once again god did his miracles. got up by seven plus, had dinner and as i got to church for practice i gradually felt better as i became more awake. and right now...i ain't feeling so bad again. and that headache-y feeling is gone. thank god! kong kong, as far as i know, is still holding on. i think. i don't know about right now, cos there's been no word from my mom who's been there all day, so i don't know. but i am thankful for yesterday's moment that set me at peace and freed me from those chains of unsettledness. i continue to pray for him, though i know not whether he is going to be healed or is going to meet his Maker. i pretty much feel confident that if i do get worse again, i'll recover or at least have suppressed symptoms of the flu when it's my time to play tomorrow. speaking of which, last week did not go down well for me in terms of playing. i practically lost my mood to play and it ruined everything.this loss of mood even spilled out onto a meeting i had on tuesday. terrible. it's not like me to get affected in public. and as usual, people didn't understand. but whatever.
at peace thanks for the few-and-far-between (deliberately so) who have prayed for me. i am finally...at peace with my kong kong. miracles today, events beyond what i expected. am really amazed and thankful that god decided to answer our prayers in the affirmative.there were 3 miracles today, of which i am only going to mention 2. firstly, i got well enough to see kong kong in the evening. and no, i don't think i passed the flu to him (at least i am more confident it is a no). it didn't seem that way initially though. i mean, sure, i could feel a minor improvement in the soreness of my throat, but it was still relatively sore and my nose was still either busy dripping or getting stuck. and my headache-y feeling still resumed, so i was resting my head all the way on the bus(es) to school. could even feel the left side of my face warmer than usual and my nasal passage on that side just..stinged when the air-cond got too cold. it didn't feel like i would be well in a few hours' time. but i was, against all odds. came back straight after class, had a watery lunch (porridge), popped a second panadol in my mouth and slept for a few hours till evening...when i awoke, sore throat was gone. my nose was still blocked on and off, but at least it wasn't dripping like a tap. felt well enough to go. second miracle was when i found out kong kong had become stronger and recovered slightly in the morning, enabling him to sit up and eat breakfast. when i saw him he was back to his weak state, but still, i seriously believe if god didn't give him the strength to eat in the morning he might not have lasted till evening for me to see him. by last i mean not only in the sense of living and breathing, but also in his state of consciousness, as in he was fully aware of who i was when i saw him, though he could not speak and he didn't open his eyes (only just a slight peak now and then in the darkness). when i was there, he was only able to drink a bit of milo but unable to eat or talk. he moved as little as possible while he lay on his bed. -argh. stupid brother who is still up watching tv at this unearthly hour is distracting me from my thoughts. i'm finding him more and more irritating as of late cos he starts to stay up later and later, and as he goes about doing his stupid stuff like toasting bread in the middle of the night (and giving me gastric pains) or turning up the tv volume, it really defeats the purpose of staying up late at night. the only reason i'm ever up this late is because it's supposed to be quiet and it's my only time away from the family and all that noise and squabbling.- but what finally left me at peace in my heart with this business was his symbolic act. when it was time to go, i told him i had to leave, which is when he started tearing up. his eyes were closed but it was obvious from his facial expressions and the slight mucus that was coming out of his nostrils and mouth. i am always in agony when i see a grown man like him crying whenever i have to leave. it makes me feel like a bad person and it reminds me of my own problem in dealing with letting go. but this time the words came to me to say, in a mixture of crude teochew and malay (such is the competency of my language skills), that though i might leave, jesus would never leave him. previously, the only encouraging words i could muster, if any, were "jesus loves you". and almost immediately he affirmed it with a slight nod of his head and a "mmm". and as i said my goodbye, he stopped crying. that final picture of him affirming his faith and being at ease was all i needed to give me the peace i needed. was really glad to hear with my own ears that he still believed in the faith, thereby confirming his salvation. and the fact that he mustered all his energy to give me a yes and even a nod in his weakened state also made me even more sure and at ease that now i know he knows where he is going, if he goes. i pray he feels the inner calm that i now have of him, no matter what happens next. it's taken a great weight off my shoulders, this peace. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives." -- John 14:27
short fill-in so i'm back. ironically, it's a thursday again: exactly 21 days since my fast from this started. and have i grown? yes..but it is sad that i have to start this return to blogging on a gloomy note: just found out that my kong kong, the one who accepted christ last year, might leave to be with the lord anytime soon. he became weak and couldn't swallow his food suddenly during lunch. have been having a tug-of-war letting my kong kong go...struggling between wanting him to stay (to get healed and hang on to life here...but for what, really, with all this oppression?) and accepting if god decides to bring him home (which logically would be better right, cos he sure won't have to suffer anymore there and he'd definitely be free from his paralysis and other ailments caused by his stroke up there).but ah. the subject of letting go is not new to me. no, not the farting kind (snort)! but yeah...always catches up to me. always has been and continues to be my weakness. will it continue to be? i hope not...time and perseverance will tell... but back to my current situation, to add to the drama, i've contracted a serious bout of flu (very sore throat and runny nose) since yesterday. and with kong kong's immunity system low right now, i fear if i see him i might pass the flu to him and speed up his process of dying (god forbid!). wanted to see him tmr morning, but i don't think i could forgive myself for a very long time if i became the indirect, additional cause of his death. really. and so i hope against hope that i will get well enough by evening to go see him and that he'll still be around by then. despite the fact that i've been bawling my eyes out and adding to the sickness in the bath. despite the fact that i've had a full day with insufficient sleep and i've just felt my throat get more and more sore as the day went by. oh, the list could go on. was finding it so....(what's the word, unfair? terrible? wry? i can't quite put it into words)...today that it had to take a piece of bad news to get me and my mom speaking again after she literally reduced me to tears on friday. was also finding it unfair that i had to fall sick now when kong kong has to be teetering on the edge of death. wryness has been in my thoughts tonight, among others. but despite this i still find it hard to deny that god is a loving god and his plans are indeed best for us. cos along with the bad there's so many things i can look at and be grateful for during this time of fast. it's been painful and depressing at times but there are some encouraging and phenomenal moments too. phenomenal in the sense that i've experienced times of quiet joy just in being with god despite unresolved problems. trusting god in shaky circumstances is a must today. i mean, the previous days' circumstances have been shaky but today has got to be the big whopper. death is so not my favourite topic. but i did feel encouraged and hopeful when god led me to this verse, out of this 365-day devotional thingy i have. it's really amazing how lately when i want to see a verse, i'll just flip open the book and He'll turn it to the page containing the verse i need most at that point. today's was this: Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}