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read between the lines
i say this, but... i've been sitting here in the midst of what i call switchfoot therapy, trying to come up with words that would be worth blogging about, yet true to what i say and do. but...i just couldn't. but i'll try one last time.i find myself a contradiction of sorts. i say i want to give up, but there's this stubborn (or strong-willed, depending on which side of the coin people look at) part of me that won't let go (so is being that necessarily a problem or not?). i say i've had enough of going through the motions, the same routine, same shit feelings that don't do anyone any good, the same...downward spiral. but yet i still feel it on some days. i say my brain can't handle reality and i immerse myself in unproductive distractions like watching tv shows on home dvds or gaming till dawn, yet i find myself in moments like these, confronting the truth my mind tries to avoid. i say i feel like reacting how i normally would: thrash things around, retaliate coldness for coldness, reflect 'i don't care's for 'i don't care either's, pack up and leave behind this suitcase of bad news after bad, but instead i give up my anger, return stolidity with a smile and open arms, respond to indifference with interest, and stay throughout everything that unfolds. why? i really don't know, other than the reason that it must be some kind of miracle every time i do the opposite of what i feel like doing. bad news, bad mood i really should stop depending on my circumstances to determine my mood. i haven't felt so angry for a prolonged duration of time in quite a while.woke up today and was dished the first piece of bad news, an addition to the rest i already have lined up behind me. except this time it made me lose my temper (until i caught myself and realised i was acting out of character) instead of hurt me. the beloved stray dog that sleeps in the neighbour across the road's house died last night at the vet's, but because they were closed they only called up today. it would've been more forgivable if she had died of natural causes, but the reason she died was because she succumbed to her injuries: some sadistic dog-hater (there are so many in my neighbourhood, just pick and choose) deliberately concocted acid, threw it on her and caused her fur to burn and cut through her bare flesh, causing lacerations all over her back and one right in the middle of her forehead -- all this in the darkness of night on thursday, a time no one would notice. my parents themselves didn't know, until a few hours later when she came over to our gates the second time in convulsive, jerky movements. she had been in a lot of excruciating pain for a few hours since the first time she came over briefly, but then disappeared (probably fearing that stupid acid murderer would come back). it was late at night, hard to see, plus her fur itself was black in colour, so it took quite awhile for my parents to come out and realise she was seriously injured. by the time she reached the clinic, she was having high fever and in critical condition. the worst part of all of this was, i never got to see her before she died at the vet's. my parents conveniently told me after i returned from s'pore (heck if i'd known, i'd have rushed back) and when i wanted to visit her, kept telling me her condition had been stabilised. and then today now this. she had already been buried in some unmarked grave. i couldn't help it. i blew up. a great injustice was done and the culprit was getting away literally with murder. i was angry that god could allow such a thing to happen, angry that my parents didn't tell me, angry that the neighbour himself doesn't even give a damn about the dog, angry that my parents, though they care, don't care enough to rush animals to the vet and actually waited for our church dog helper to come over and "assess the situation" before deciding that footing veterinary bills was the only option. mostly, i was angry that there was someone getting away scot free, having killed an innocent life simply because his of his really warped perception that dogs are "dirty" animals and should be exterminated. i mean, we've had a few empty threats before by impassioned "religious" people who want to vindicate a dog who has done nothing but prevented robbers (at least once) from getting into the house of a neighbour who doesn't give two shits about her, but no one's actually carried anything out...until now. it took me awhile to understand...that god is a Just god and he will not let this sin go unpunished. and that killer is going to pay for the innocent blood on his hands on judgement day. whether he pays for it in his lifetime or not is not for me to dwell on; rather, i should dwell on the fact that god is a Just god and he can be counted on to do what is right. other bad events of the day were just one-off minor incidents that pissed me off, after i had cooled off. i was held at s'pore customs for over an hour because their system did not update the fact that i had been working there for a few months and they thought i was an illegal trying to get back in. and still did when they were about to "deport" me, so i had to explain myself. again. it was like i had been speaking to deaf ears. thankfully there was no rough treatment, body searching or anything close to that sort. on top of that i had forgotten to bring my all-important handphone, which bore the unit number of the place i was headed to, resulting in pointless searches by running up and down staircases, going to different guard houses and eventually going back to the faraway phone booth to call home and look for something more easy to navigate...like a phone number. i don't know if it's the same for everyone, but i've noticed that being hot, sweaty and lost also gets me in a bad mood. and that was the situation i was in at that moment. thank god for understanding cell group members. i only wish i could thank god too for knowing which church to go to. someday i will, but that's another story. the trip back ended off annoyingly too. true to the way of life here, touts were at the bus terminal i alighted, only this time they were practically blocking the exit door of the bus and poking their dirty, filthy hands at the passengers who passed them through, in addition to their haggling. i don't know why but i felt more irritated only after i somehow managed to insist my way through them with an irritated "tsk" without being touched. which put me in a bad mood in the car and resulted in me shoving my house grille aside too roughly when its ungreased wheels sled the grille back against my shoulder painfully. it was only when i went in to bathe that the sane part of me started asking me what am i doing, being so angry for. well, tomorrow is a new day, a chance to start the day (and mood) on the right foot. hope for the hopeless "God purposely chose what the world considers nonsense in order to shame the wise, and he chose what the world considers weak in order to shame the powerful. He chose what the world looks down on and despises, and thinks is nothing, in order to destroy what the world thinks is important. This means that no one can boast in God's presence."thank god for inserting it in the speaking pastor's text today, 'cause i really needed it. the pastor happened to be a guest speaker from another church i'd visited before, where i first heard him speak and also got the opportunity to lunch with him and his members. he also shared with us how jesus was first real to him at the age of 16, in a tumultous thunderstorm near pulau pangkor, amidst a capsized sampan and 11 other drowning classmates, five of whom could not swim. and because of his desperate, urgent prayers, his life was spared, and so were all his classmates'. made me notice he and i (and probably a lot of people) have something in common. sometimes the truth becomes strikingly clear only in the times when it's a matter of life or death. and it's in those scary, naked, critical moments that the truth becomes clear and audible, louder than all the voices in our heads. the following sermon i went for also dwelt on a similar message to the verses above -- its title was God's Unlikely Champions. before which, they sang this old yet new (so many remakes until i don't know who wrote it) hymn: Before the Throne of God Above Before the throne of God above I have a strong, a perfect plea A great High Priest whose name is Love Who ever lives and pleads for me My name is graven on His hands My name is written on His heart I know that while in heaven He stands No tongue can bid me thence depart No tongue can bid me thence depart When Satan tempts me to despair And tells me of the guilt within Upward I look and see Him there Who made an end to all my sin Because the sinless Savior died My sinful soul is counted free For God the Just is satisfied To look on Him and pardon me To look on Him and pardon me Behold Him there! The risen Lamb My perfect, spotless righteousness The great unchangeable I AM The King of glory and of grace One with Himself I cannot die My soul is purchased with His blood My life is hid with Christ on high With Christ my Savior and my God With Christ my Savior and my God same old stuff why do themes keep recurring in my life? the same...suffering...themes? testing me over and over again. it is very easy to give up. especially when people keep giving up on me. a new thought of the week was: shouldn't i just give up on myself, since everyone else already has?it is very discouraging. and then i make comparisons. in which i come out at the losing end. it's terrible. and then i blame myself. because i could have done better, should have noticed the subtle signs, might have prevented things from happening...but i didn't. so in the end i say this chant to myself: everywhere i go nobody wants to know where i come from who i am it's like they tell me you are a loser mighty big fat loser useless extra loser actually i just thought of it tonight. me and my dark humour which no one will probably understand. many times i find myself wondering: what the heck am i doing here? am i kidding myself? why did i even come? sometimes the answer comes to mind: i'm doing all this for god. because he'd do the same and because i earnestly want to exemplify him. and thus glorify his name as well as draw others to him, even if...even if it seems to backfire. night shots i was looking through my old posts...and ms forgetful has finally uploaded the results of my first foray into "cooking". and while i'm at it, i figured i might as well uploaded a buncha night shots i experimented with a few months ago with my palm. haven't taken any photos as of late because the battery ran out, and i find it troublesome to have to recharge it overnight before i can carry it anywhere again. yes i know, lame excuse. the view from my flat at around 1am or so the rooftop park of a certain megamall the city, oh the city
thank god it's friday it's good friday morning already and i'm still up? that's a record. hmm think i shall do some morning reflection (hah fat chance of me doing that as a norm, seeing as i can barely wake up in the morning and when i do, i'm half-asleep).today was the day my closest friend jesus lay down his life for me. what i hate is how this act of love, unlike valentine's day trash, is so gruesome and painful to look at. and the very fact that blood -- the one thing i get so sick just looking at -- was spilt to the maximum this very day, makes it a difficult scenario to relive. yet i keep being reminded of this every time i partake in holy communion, every time i think about living a life that examplifies him, every time i think about how anyone could ever love me or care about what i have to say or what i do. if ever doubts arise about whether i matter, much, to god, this greatest act of sacrifice comes to mind and reminds me that god loves me so much more than i will ever know. to know the unlovable love...that is the paradox in ephesians 3:19, a certain pastor was saying...and yet it is possible by his power. jesus' blood has done many a thing for me, for us, other than the obvious answer of saving us from eternal damnation. his blood protects me from evil, cleanses me from sins past, present and future and heals me from my wounds, both seen and unseen. yes, "by his stripes we are healed". and it is not just physical healing he offers, as i used to think, but also spiritual, emotional and mental healing -- the kind that is much-needed of him right now upon my life. this old heart is tired of carrying around battle scars that keep rupturing when touched. and i cannot wait for the day when he makes these areas new once again. and that he lay down his life so that we might have life...not just eternal life, but zest and energy and reason for living that keeps our hearts beating and our feet staying on this earth, is literally a godsend. he is literally my saviour, who saves me from death, hell, depression, sickness, pain, worthlessness, rejection...the list goes on. "greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." and he did just that for me. me, as i was, no frills, no accomplishments, nothing. me, for who i was, with all my idiosyncrasies, strengths and weaknesses. me of all people. and even though he did this for everyone else, he also did it specifically for me in the sense that he would go searching for me, the lost coin, even though everyone else would've thought me such a trivial and insignificant thing of low value (a mere coin, not even a dollar note) to look for and would've given up long ago. that he would do all this for me, because he loves me as i am and not for what i do, is beyond what the logical mind can grasp. because of him, i owe my life indebtedly and willingly. because of him, i am still alive, have not succumbed to worldly pleasures, can go anywhere without falling prey to unseen forces and know that who i am is not a mistake -- regardless of what society tells me -- from the clothes i wear to the food i eat. praise god for that. yes, praise You, i say boldly, because i am sick and tired of worrying and getting frustrated and depressed -- falling into the devil's trap.
indefinable me i tried to write about how my typical day would go. but i realise i just couldn't. i don't stick to routines. so i gave up.i can't explain when asked how i can want to be alone at times (in my best mood) and yet can't stand to be alone at others (in my worst mood). i can't explain how sometimes i can do my quiet time amidst rock music and chattering voices when other times the slightest unnatural sound (read: anything not from natural surroundings) irritates me and jolts me out of concentration. i can't explain how i can like taking night walks and admiring god's creation at night when other times, sitting in the dark just makes me feel invisible and insignificant and the stars fail to inspire me. i can't explain how one week i can remain in such a good mood and have such high resistance towards negative thoughts and how the next week i can crumble like a pack of cards the minute a mere whiff of negativity infiltrates my mind and find myself unable to snap out of it. i can't explain my actions because i'm unpredictable -- neither one extreme nor the other constantly. i switch and that's just how i am. it makes me hard to read, i know, but in a way i like the fact that i am open to change, though most people don't always see it in that light. and so i will make no effort to explain myself. because i can't. and i make no apologies if that makes it hard for people to figure me out, because this is how god made me, and i don't see it as a bad thing. people say "don't put god in a box"; well, i'm pretty much indefinable too.
the definition of me --imported from LiveJournal (since closed)--i tried to write about how my typical day would go. but i realise i just couldn't. i don't stick to routines. so i gave up. i can't explain when asked how i can want to be alone at times (in my best mood) and yet can't stand to be alone at others (in my worst mood). i can't explain how sometimes i can do my quiet time amidst rock music and chattering voices when other times the slightest unnatural sound (read: anything not from natural surroundings) irritates me and jolts me out of concentration. i can't explain how i can like taking night walks and admiring god's creation at night when other times, sitting in the dark just makes me feel invisible and insignificant and the stars fail to inspire me. i can't explain how one week i can remain in such a good mood and have such high resistance towards negative thoughts and how the next week i can crumble like a pack of cards the minute a mere whiff of negativity infiltrates my mind and find myself unable to snap out of it. i can't explain my actions because i'm unpredictable -- neither one extreme nor the other constantly. i switch and that's just how i am. it makes me hard to read, i know, but in a way i like the fact that i am open to change, though most people don't always see it in that light. and so i will make no effort to explain myself. because i can't. and i make no apologies if that makes it hard for people to figure me out, because this is how god made me, and i don't see it as a bad thing. people say "don't put god in a box"; well, i'm pretty much indefinable too. and so the story goes i was going to blog about something temporarily joyful, or happy from the recent past, but i decided that playing emotional russian roulette wasn't worth it, and that life will always be an inverted bell curve, for better or for worse.i woke up today not from my alarm, but from terrible gastric pains that lasted for hours in the lavatory (and minor 'aftershocks' throughout the day), so i ended up having to take unpaid leave from work. which actually wasn't such a bad thing, because it meant i got the day off to rest. mentally and physically. my stomach's acting up again a little, so i'm hoping this will pass and not haunt me when i next wake. i was glad for the day off, though i couldn't go out at all. i ended up watching episodes of felicity from season one, something which would have been impossible to do had i been in s'pore. reminds me of the complications of adolescent life and how minor issues get magnified a thousand times even though the answer is really simple (yes, i practically grew up watching the show). the DVDs were a rare and recent find last week and cost me a small bomb. i was willing to pay the price though, because i have been looking for these things for years (and am still looking for the remaining seasons). i have taken to distractions again, in a bid to win the war of depression. the latest distraction was shameless purchasing of beloved books, CDs and the DVD, but obviously that can't last for long as it is monetarily based. though i am very grateful that, difficult as the low moments have been, i've never gone back to the lowest low since last year's end, still, i have not won yet. the significance of correct timing is a lesson that keeps coming back to me. so, in due time, i will learn to smile (inwardly and consistently) again. nothing time has caught up and so must my updates. i shall begin with something splashed on the walls of the esplanade tunnel that i walk past every other day:"sometimes you get traded in for something better but you'll always be whole." -- Imitative Polyphony: I Am Only Music, Jason Moss i never thought the quote above, part of the mural exhibition of the month, would ever make sense to me until work happened. and then suddenly the words i saw everyday as i walked past started to make sense. yes, i'll always be whole because i won't feel like an extra, unfitted half of a corporation who no longer needs me. i took the first two weeks pretty badly. i was made to do absolutely nothing at all....and it made me feel redundant. or like a tiang lampu ('streetlamp' in malay), as my cousin would say. made me realise that all my life this question of significance and personal worth has always popped up subconsciously in my mind and reappeared in various situations through the years, most of which, i am forced to endure even though i hate it and it sucks feeling like a pointless semi-colon amongst other seemingly meaningful full-stops. thank god the third week onwards was better. i did not have to put on a markedly false happy face at work (i don't really make an effort to fake anything 'cause i'm a terrible liar) as an ambassador of a divine joy-provider because i was genuinely no longer unhappy about doing nothing. i got creative and figured i would try to make doing nothing as interesting as possible - plus i started to not care about getting scolded anymore, since the worst they could do to me had already happened. days were spent reading a book i never quite finished, familiarising myself with microsoft games, sleeping (discreetly), polishing as well as sending resumes and having a ton of outside events happen to me that would not have been possible without god allowing them to happen. i also found that it helped a lot if i made my way back to jb and hence avoided the now gloomy prospect of having to come home to my landlady and all her 'young and active' children. this was a surprising find because, on a normal day, coming home would be a nightmare. but thankfully, god has kept routine squabbles and sibling rivalry to a minimum for the time being. it is also somewhat heartening to see three amiable and furry best friends bounding up to the gate every time i arrive home -- i admit that these canine companions, being of a different species, are given leeway to express their emotions more openly than their human counterparts would. i'm falling asleep and tomorrow, another day of getting up early to sit down and do nothing, looms ahead. so here i lay my pen (or rather, keyboard) to rest, while i wait for the story to unfold, for it has not yet ended. though it is mostly a difficult story to write, i am thankful for the spiritual insights i get, the glimpses of the view from Above, the people the Author sends my way and the very simple, yet very important fact that He cares, even if He's got 99 other sheep in His fold with whom He could have moved on. [luke 15:4-7] |
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