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read between the lines
interesting piece found this interesting article from the Observer tonite....praise the Lord.Jason Burke discovers how Pol Pot's ruthless killers are repenting their sins Sunday October 24, 2004 The Observer The Khmer Rouge followed a harsh brand of communism, killing nearly two million people in their bid to return Cambodia to Year Zero. Now they have a new faith: evangelical Christianity. Hundreds of former fighters have been baptised in the past year. The Khmer Rouge's mountain stronghold, the town of Pailin in south-west Cambodia, has four churches, all with pastors and growing congregations. At least 2,000 of those who followed Pol Pot, the guerrillas' former leader who died six years ago, now worship Jesus. Many new converts were involved in the bloody battles, massacres and forced labour programmes that led to the Killing Fields. Between 1975 and 1979 the Khmer Rouge sought to eradicate religion, ripping down the country's biggest cathedral, killing Muslim clerics and turning Buddhist temples into pigsties. According to one pastor, 70 per cent of the converts in Pailin are Khmer Rouge. For many, it offers a hope of salvation. 'When I was a soldier I did bad things. I don't know how many we killed. We were following orders and thought it was the right thing to do,' said Thao Tanh, 52. 'I read the Bible and I know it will free me from the weight of the sins I have committed.' The Khmer Rouge have been the focus of a drive by US-based religious groups. Lee Samith, a senior aide of Pailin's governor, was a military intelligence officer for the Khmer Rouge and one of the cadres to convert. He had been repeatedly visited by a missionary from a Colorado-based group, who showed films of the life of Christ. 'I opened my heart and Jesus came in,' said Lee, 36. Like 90 per cent of Cambodians, he was previously a Buddhist. Now he is involved in the New Life Presbyterian Church, on the outskirts of Pailin. Its wooden walls are covered with Christmas decorations and colourful posters portraying the life of Jesus. But Lee has yet to shed all his former ideology. 'Pol Pot had good ideas for Cambodia and for all people,' he said. 'Only foreigners talk about genocide. Deaths due to class conflict are inevitable.' After being ousted from Phnom Penh, the Cambodian capital, in 1979 by the Vietnamese, the Khmer Rouge withdrew to the mountains to fight a series of regimes. Pailin, which is rich in timber and gems, has been the economic springboard for the movement since its beginnings. It is a rough place, full of bamboo brothels and bars selling bad alcohol and worse food. It is reached by a 50-mile road so rutted and potholed that it takes even 4WD vehicles more than three hours to negotiate. The thickly forested hills, scene of dozens of battles over 30 years, are heavily mined. But the Khmer Rouge has now largely been brought in from the cold. Pailin's governor is a member of the Cambodian Prime Minister's party, despite being a former bodyguard of Pol Pot. His deputy, Kuoet Sothea, a key aide of the genocidal leader, told The Observer that many of his former comrades-in-arms 'feel sorry for what they did. National unity and solidarity is the main aim now'. Several senior figures, such as 'Duch' - Kang Kek Ieu - who ran the S21 complex in Phnom Penh where an estimated 16,000 people died, have converted to Christianity. Their new faith offers more than spiritual comfort. After years of negotiation with the UN, the Cambodian government has reluctantly agreed to put those responsible for the genocide of the late 1970s on trial. Several Khmer Rouge leaders live in villas in Pailin, profiting from large farms, logging of hardwood forests and gem mining. Though many are old, they now fear dying in prison. Christian repentance is likely to mitigate any sentence they might receive. Kun Lung, 49, started as a bodyguard for the senior commanders and became the Khmer Rouge's best-known propagandist, responsible for bloodcurdling broadcasts on their infamous radio station. He was baptised recently and now organises Pailin Radio, describing 'God's work' in two daily programmes. However, although it is the senior commanders who will stand trial, the missionaries, funded by evangelical associations in America, South Korea and Singapore, have found most of their converts among the middle and lower ranks of the Khmer Rouge. Most veterans now eke out a living as landless labourers on the estates of their former political chiefs. They live in flimsy shacks and work 15-hour days. With no government or international aid, local amenities are scarce. There is one dilapidated health clinic for 30,000 people. The missionaries have built an orphanage and Bible schools. One pastor is planning a kindergarten. Other groups have built wells, marked 'A gift from Jesus'.
maintanence some "maintanence work" has taken place..i've added a few words here and there, changed even less words, edited the side bar a little bit, corrected the time of posts (set the time to the GMT time here), added links to certain words, stuff like that. minor but needed.
tonite well....feel a lil better tonite...was out....when i came back i started worrying again but i told myself i was not gonna give myself anxiety attacks like the first and only one i had a few months back, so i told myself "jess, it's high time you trusted God" and i stopped thinking about it and closed off with a prayer, one which i am about to add to after this. i mean, it's not like i've always trusted God less, or i believe i wudn't have gotten where i am today, but over the break week i've reflected that i used to trust Him more last time even though i had more problems then. i had "simple faith" or "faith like a child" as a tween / young teen, which is something i need to get back to these days.sometimes thinking less is better cos worrying or harping on about something that's out of your control is just a waste of the precious time you've been given to enjoy yourself until that worry comes. before i went online, after i took my bath, i was listening to switchfoot's cd again, the most recent one from the band that i got, the completion to my switchfoot album (legend of chin)....and i came across this song which is...relevant. Life and Love and Why by SWITCHFOOT Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping and
all of your searching
For what? Ask me for what am I
living or what gives
me strength
that I'm willing to die for
Take away from me
this monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
not gonna solve
nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I
living or what gives
me strength
that I'm willing to die for
Could it be this?
Could this be bliss?
Could it be all that I
ever had missed?
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
And can I be used?
Can I be used?
Give me a reason for life
and for death
and a reason for
drowning while I hold
my breath
Something to laugh at,
a reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
and hoping for something
to hope for
Yeah, with something
to hope for
Could it be true?
Can life be new?
Could it be all that I am
is in You?
Could it be this?
Could it be bliss?
Can it be You?
Can it be You?
this afternoon's writing I knew it. the first day that I finally get away from work and my family has to ruin it. especially my brother, up to his stupid antics again. I seriously don't know when he's gonna grow up. I would easily sell him away if offered a choice. he's an impudent rascal who causes annoyance and high blood pressure everytime he's around. almost everytime I see him my blood boils.like I said once, God has a funny sense of humor. He thinks it's funny to give me a hyperactive spawn of Satan when he knows that one of his very essential rules is to "love your brother as you love the Lord". it's really trying. enuff said. I just realised from what I've written today that I'm venting out my anger and dissatisfaction the people whom I call my family, and how they do things. and I realised I just can't write them all out here. so I won't. true poetry, according to my teacher, is supposed to be vague, to give people as little insight as possible as to what the poet is writing...and that's the beauty of it, cos it leaves people guessing, leaves them something to think about. my view is, in addition to this, it allows us to apply whatever the poet is writing about to just about almost anything, instead of being limited to one thing, since the poet is not talking about a specific thing. no right answer, no wrong either. not so definite (the answer), more free in that sense. he also told us that poetry doesn't have to make sense, for poetry promotes freedom of thought, even to the point of breaking the boundaries of logic. and to me, it allows people to make their own interpretations to it, and form their own opinions and associations with that particular work of art, work of poetry. and that makes it more personal and relevant to the reader, and everyone knows we're all attracted to things that relate to us, that have something to do with us. even sermons...I find myself more interested in the sermon if he is speaking about it in a more personal way, than just reading out the notes and making us all fall asleep. I like it when he tells life stories, cos generally people are interested in other people, which is why we have reality shows, and when he inculcates his life story with a teaching from the Bible. that way it's more relevant and somehow looks more applicable in everyday life, cos he was the first one to apply it to his life (not as in the first person ever, but the first party, if one is looking at the audience and him as separate parties / separate persons.) so I'm gonna write about today below, and you can interpret it whatever way you wish, or ask me what I'm talking about. OBSERVATIONS by jessica the sky turns to grey sweeping away the sun's rays the brightness of the day fades away to reveal... a desolate landscape. is it an illusion? is it just a facade, masking a deeper quiet joy? according to God it is for that is what broken bridges are for but that doesn't make me hate them even less. the rundown atmosphere the taste of bitterness of anger, of frustration lapsing into a quiet desperation a longing for a place devoid of trouble. like hamsters in a running wheel we spin forever into the end. sometimes running the race looks just like a circle when you find yourself doing the same things again, encountering the same roadblocks, going through the same emotions. but yet something is always different everytime you reach the same station somehow you're smarter, wiser, more aware... than you were before. but knowledge is one thing and action is another. breaking the security of familiarity is a tough and brave act to follow. I close my eyes and try to envision the future. I try to taste it in bits of life everywhere but here it only comes in small quantities, a fleeting moment of the perfection yet to come. if not for the vultures at the borders I would do it. I would cry, "Away, away!" to a Xanadu of peace, a nirvana of the highest level, Babylon's hanging gardens. but for now we look for Atlantis we sink like the Titanic but we rise again like ghosts and we never give up until we see the city of jasper. and we are not alone. finally i get to sleep it's been so long and i've waited all week to be able to get enuff rest...and now the end of the week has come. i work alternate saturdays but thank god it's not tomoro. as usual the place was freezing, but somewhere in the middle it jus stopped feeling like the arctic....mebbe someone heard my complaint and turned the temperature down, hee hee....actually the ppl in my department are very nice ppl n i shud be thankful [and thanks all who prayed, pls continue] but i still hate work....i dunno....i jus hate it. it's always cold enuff to snow inside, even though i've got a medium-thickness jacket on and a mug of hot water nearby, and i dun approve of staring straight at a computer screen [with no filter summore] for 4 to 5 hrs straight per day. and i dunno....i jus dun relly take pride in my job. so far god has been relly good, cos i have nice colleagues, a nice boss and a light workload....but....i dunno...working in an office is definitely not the thing for me. and i have no interest in what i'm doing. to me, pr is common sense. it's practical stuff. that's the only reason why i ever topped it in the first place. i dunno....i'm thankful that God is kind to me by giving me a good situation, but....like i said....anyway, dun wanna talk about it. but hey i found a bookstore at my place! jus across the road is anchorpoint, which is like two floors only of shops (the rest are residential floors), and i'm not too familiar with the basement level. but on wed i was looking at the directory of shops and my eyes rested on...."the book cove". so i took note of the shoplot no. and went searching for it downstairs...and i found it hiding below the elevator. so that's why i missed it! anyway, it has this huge plastic frog at the side that croaks whenever you walk in and out....which is pretty cool and unique i guess, since i'm not relly used to the sound yet. the place is mostly geared towards the kids so they have more books for kids or tweens than they do for teens or young adults. but the tween books are pretty cool, some of which i've never seen before in my life, so they make a great read while trying to relax my mind during lunch break. btw i dun think it's retarded to read books meant for younger ppl, cos sometimes i admire the style in which they write it in, and sometimes i tend to mimic their style unconsciously while i'm hooked on that book. i mean, i do take note of the style, how the writer writes it a certain way to communicate on the same level as the tweens they write for, and i find it interesting, the way they write it...i forgot how to describe it, but in poetry it'd be called "poetic licence". and the thing is, i can easily switch to adult titles right after that and not have a problem comprehending their words. it's just that i'll have to have a dicky with me if i'm reading a really chim book...haha....like last time when i was 12, having a dicky by my side was a must when i was reading agatha christie. every page contained a chim word. and today i think the coffee really cleared my brains. i actually stopped eating mcdonald's like i have been, everyday since i started work, and decided to treat myself instead. i got western food and cappucino....at an affordable price. SIM cafeteria...n the atmosphere was really nice today...when i came there was almost no one there. i mean, not so empty until it's freaky, but it wasn't crowded like during lunchtime. and i was really able to sit down and think for once this week....and try to plan how to live my life. cos this week, the coldness at my workplace has made me sleepy, made me fall asleep when it gets coldest the most. wednesday was the worst cos i just dropped my head on the table and lay in that position for half an hour, when my supervisor said she was going out. when she came back she found me and asked if i was okay. i jus said "yeah, sure" and got back up. and after lunchtime i dozed off for 5 mins or sth... at least today when it wasn't so cold (thank god! mebbe He decided to answer my prayers for one day...haha), i didn't even fall asleep once...though in the morning there was one part where i felt like dozing off, and then a colleague wanted to use the scanner at my table, so that woke me up and made me more alert. either that or it's lack of sleep. but i dun think so cos on wed i purposely rushed home early, did a lot of walking when woodlands started jamming up, and slept my earliest this week, which got me nearly 7 hrs of sleep. and i still fell asleep on thursday, but for intervals of ard 5 mins only compared to wednesday. or mebbe it's a culmination of me not getting enuff sleep the whole week, i dunno. but i kinda think it's a form of escapism, this sleeping thing. cos when i sleep i lose consciousness of the fact that i'm feeling like a block of ice; i just doze off. and escapism seems to be my normal routine lately. the weeks when i was free i'd been trying to run from my problems by looking for other things to do, and that's bad cos that doesn't even solve the problem(s). i've thinking of an impromptu list now (below), it's not like i planned it. Jessica's Forms of Escapism 1. sleeping 2. trying to lose myself in books 3. drowning myself in music 4. going for movies 5. bowling 6. going to some quiet place to think, like kap or sth 7. staying over at someone (who can put up with me)'s house...btw thx once again for those who did (i dunno, but this mon when i was distraught the only place i cud think of was kap...cos i've always been there to think in the past, when i needed to. there's this spot away from public view, behind the pillar downstairs, and that's a good place to think in private, without ppl staring at you when you're praying or wondering why your "notebook" takes so many pages to write "notes" in and stuff like that.) so far i've only done 1,3 and 6 this week cos i've been so packed up with work this week to be left on my own to think of how unsettled i am. it's weird, but since wed i've had no room in my head to think about anything other than work and getting to sleep a.s.a.p. on one hand, that's a bad thing, cos i got no time to plan, but on the other hand, i noticed it the minute i felt it on wed that it's pretty great not being able to think about your problems or your worries any longer. i mean, i really couldn't think that day, try as i might. the thought jus didn't last long in my head before i could feel myself slipping away into a dark quiet (sleep). anyway, tmr i hope to plan out things out for next week and try to get myself back on track. for tonite, i'm gonna rest and be glad i'm waking up real late tmr. kevin max has a blog! aaah....*settles back*....first zach braff (from scrubs) and now kmax...din't even noe the guy has a myspace account (it's like friendster).and he's online now(!) but i can't write unless i'm a member. makes me wanna join jus so he can add me....hahaha. but no, must be strict tonite and go to sleep now....fell asleep for half an hour today on the job and that's pretty bad!! have been falling asleep on the mrt n on the bus all day....really bad.
a dead life cold is my roomthe half-open barricades in which i work the tea is hot but only in the pantry i take it in and try to stay awake. straining my eyes staring five hours straight at a time into the filterless computer trying to do a good job of the task i've been given. falling asleep when it gets so cold wake up, only to continue the work in the freezing room. no room to think (sleep beckons). problems lie on the shelf i've put those books back they'll fall out when my mind's not occupied when i'm not dying of sleep when i'm not freezing away. the moon is full a beautiful sight the sea is calm perfect time to take a walk. but one must get back to work get back to home with all its conflicts the yelling and shouting the instigating of anger the lack of understanding between parent and child. only but an experience in the movie of life as the reels finish off where will they take me? will the Lord say "servant, well done" or "thy could have done better"? the devil sits in the darkness he waits behind the scenes he works trying to make me stumble and fall. the very thing that saved me became my downfall. the tables turned the cards changed... but now the fog has cleared the truth stands crystal clear and it is now left to me to change if i can. will god help me? the Shepherd is pruning His fruits pressing them to produce good wine i understand but i lack the discipline, the strength, the will (at times) to continue. knowing is one doing is another. "doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs"... the door stands open sleep beckons so does another day i wait for a better day and a better life. the sandals btw, i wore the second pair of sandals and they were definitely more comfortable than the first pair. darn...shudn't have bought that stupid first pair, cos now i'm gonna have to throw it away. it's torture on legs. speaking of which, this second pair very much resembles the "jesus slippers" my fren is known so often for wearing...cos they look jus like those olden-time sandals that they usually depict jesus and people of His time walking in.
teen angst fri, sat, sun, mon....was putting this song on playback and the track after that....there's something in this song reminiscent of teen angst...and even though it's not a loud song, at the chorus the singer "shouts"...and it's almost like he's shouting for me, shouting out the words i felt like saying, expressing the angst and anger and "i don't wanna care anymore cos i wanna run away from it and not talk about it" feelings inside my head....btw splender sounds a whole lot like vertical horizon (the band who sang "everything you want"), and both are relly good to listen to...not too loud, not too soft, definitely not boring. i finally got hold of this album, "halfway down the sky", after so many years of hunting for it and finding it sold out...like the first switchfoot album, i got it at borders sg. the cover's really cool, it shows what looks like a fallen angel, not the cherubic angels you see that look like babies, but a shape of a man, with some hint of wings, and a few arrows shot through. in a way that's what we are, rite? fallen. Yeah, Whatever by SPLENDER And you're primitive And you're cynical to me And I chewed down on the bit And almost swallowed it You sit all alone with your color TV Your hair starts to glisten In spite of the fleas We don't have to stay friends Let's pretend to be enemies Yeah, whatever makes you happy Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful Yeah, whatever leaves you satisfied 'Cuz I'm out of time For now And you're paranoid As you look me up and down And I'm soaked in gasoline Mud and ice cream You sit by the phone With your tongue hanging out You cradle the flies in the back of your mouth We don't have to stay friends Let's pretend to be enemies Damned if you do What if you don't Damned if you do What if you won't You must be aware what you're Doing to me We sunk like a stone on a rock In the sea We don't have to stay friends (Not for very long) We don't have to stay friends (Just because you're gone) You get what you want 'cuz you won't let it die Yeah, whatever makes you happy Yeah, whatever leaves you insecure Yeah, seems to break you down 'Cuz I'm out of time But I'm feeling fine. yes, it does relate to me. another clue if you will. no further comments. as for today, i was in no mood to listen to music. i was busy dozing off or sleeping at any chance i got. and the fact that the office is so cold doesn't help either...there were points in time in the morning and rite after lunch where i found myself just struggling to stay awake. but thank god i was finally left alone for lunch, unlike yesterday's "orientation", so i got to sit down and pray....and fall asleep after that til lunch break ended. i also overslept in the bus, ended up at marsiling mrt. thank god they have the 950 now or else i'd have to walk to customs, or to the next nearest bus stop.
this one's for all you people have been listening to this everytime i'm online n it's somewhat of a cheer-upper...esp the chorus. and yes, this song's has relevance to me now...no saying more. It's taken from Kevin Max's latest album, Between the Fence and the Universe, released last month...too bad it'll only reach CD stores here in a year.Irish Hymn by KEVIN MAX oh no, look at the sun here it comes another monday without warning man, time shoots down the drain take a look, your life is over did you pick a four leaf clover? any way you end, you end anyway i pray for the rain and then i start to dance insane won't you follow me then? This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed it back up again Oh Lord, where are you now? clouds as dark as midnight vultures hovering, they cover me i need you now lead me on, take me somewhere dont leave me falling backwards any way you end, you end anyway i pray for the rain and then i start to dance again won't you follow me then? This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom but climbed back up again this is Me looking at you I cant tell you what we're gonna do, girl but I will let you know I will be here standing with the blueprint and the schematic for your life, child.. This one's for all you people..yeah This one's for all you people who hit the rock bottom and climbed it back up again..oh yeah
my life today tired. rushing for last-minute work, because my mind was preoccupied with something right after work and it did not leave my mind til i fell asleep the minute i got home. i thot i was gonna pray awhile while lying down but i guess lack of sleep made me drift off. when i woke up it was 12.30am and i had not bathed or done anything concerning work.work today was...well, god is kind and merciful, that's all i can say. but i still hate the place...i dunno, i jus hate the corporate look, y'noe? i will NEVER work in an office with cubicles...it's jus not me. and today i placed more scrutiny on every femals clone in the office world...and i was mentally trying to compare myself to them and see if there was any difference between us. like i said, i hate being a clone, i hate following the crowd if everyone's all the same....but i realised i was different after all. all those office ladies....even if they've got long hair it's all rebonded. and their pants are way tighter than me...actually i rebelled, cos even though it's office wear material, it doesn't cling to my legs and since i'm a hipster kinda person it's not so high up the waist. and the major difference is i guess they're generally shorter than me. this was pointed out to me when i had to hunt for office sandals yesterday. i was looking for something without heels (cos unlike those...i shall jus call them "ladies" instead of what i feel like calling them....unlike those ladies, i do not pay to suffer) or with as little height on the heels as possible, at the popular malls in jb but i realised again what i had realised long ago....those types of sandals (din't want shoes cos my feet wud stink) are sold for the best interests of the market....and the market, referring to females in the general population, consists mostly of short asian women with really small feet. which is partly why i wear slippers that more often look like they're meant for guys (the other reason's the heels lah). everywhere i went, if i found the sandals i wanted, they did not have the size. i found i was a size 9 or 42, but usually they only had up to size 8 or 40...and even if they did have the correct size, the make of the sandal was meant for tiny feet....as in the sandal looked like the fella who made it was trying to save money on leather so he made the base smaller. and that can be painful, esp when i have to walk so much every day....imagine my feet sticking out and getting painful cos the stupid base is so small. yeah, i have broad feet....i guess. so i got two pairs...i tried the first pair today, which looked more presentable but it was a size too small, and i realised it really hurts after so much walking cos the base is smaller than i thought, so i had the above problem, and it squashed my toes together so after a while my fifth toe felt like blistering and so did my bunyan (yes, i have a bunyan. not nice to look at but, hey, at least it stands out from the crowd...haha). and i hated the awful sound it made when i was rushing down escalators or stairs. i sounded like those really annoying "ladies" i cursed at (in my mind) whom i meet often at the customs everyday. ok lah u got me. in my mind "ladies" is replaced with the title for a female dog. gonna try the second pair tomoro, which fits my feet better. see how.... rough update crap. tomoro I've got my first day of work attachment and I'm definitely not looking forward to it, for so many reasons, one of which is that I gotta wake up at like 6.30 tmr jus to get there on time...and of all jobs that a mass commer can get, I just had to get PR. wow, I'm like so blown away. they so read my mind...not! contrary to popular belief, public relations is not all about meeting people: there's a whole lot of planning and strategising going on behind the scenes. moan. and rite now I'm so in a rush to get this done quick so I can spend more time on prayer time than I've been doing these days and so I can try to get some sleep after that, so fortunately or unfortunately I'm in no blooming mood to cook up some mystical poem that defies understanding. all I'll say is, boredom is a bad thing if you've got a lack of purpose...and it gives you a whole lot of time to reflect on life and think about the things you've done or are not doing but you should. for two weeks until this Friday I've been beating myself up over not doing something, and I've been blaming myself for being such a bad Christian for the duration of this thing I'm thinking about. I mean, when I sat down and reflected (since the break week), I realised I've been such a big hypocrite, especially in one major area. so i turned to god...but I got impatient, after only feeling His help for like, only one day? so I got sick of waiting and this whole week I've been trying to find an imitation for the stuff Up There in worldly thing...note I said trying. I've been running away from my problems and have been trying but failing to immerse myself in my old loves. and this week I just found that there is no joy without god. I saw like practically every movie worth watching in s'pore n jb cinemas, and 'white chicks' was the only one that even had a close shot at cheering me up...or keeping me happy for like, a while. I went to my old haunts of bookstores and libraries here and across the causeway....and I found I had lost my interest in the books I used to read...somehow they just seemed so shallow to me and so...unrealistic in their portrayals of life. happy endings and such...bah. just like the movies, they felt like a whole loada crap. I tried bowling...it got me occupied for awhile, but it ate up some of my money and it was only temporary "okayness" and on Friday I was about to break when god provided me what he provided jonah when jonah ran away and was feeling hot n dehydrated n suicidal in some horrible desert: shade. yeah, he made a tree grow over me and give me shade. and since the time I rested under the shade, I've been making steps forward, albeit rather small, instead of big leaps. but going forward's better than backward, or nothing. I don't really know if I'll move backwards tomoro, or some other day, but I'm taking it one day at a time. and I have definitely found comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who's "left behind" cos I found two ppl, including my aunt from abroad who is like 30 plus, who are in the same boat as me.
what she said relly opened my eyes...and it showed me that ppl as old as that can still be struggling with this problem, so it's best I tackle it now while I'm still young, while I'm stronger. the first thing she said, which I believe was a word from the Spirit, was that she was glad I was aware of this mistake now...and that it took her so many years to realise it...and now she's struggling with it too. she didn't come back from oz for like 5 plus yrs, my fave aunt..was glad to noe she accepted christ this june...cos it's making her address important issues in her life, and it gives us a bond we never had before. I only had 4 hours' sleep jus so I could get up early and see her before she and my uncle left jb...but it was worth it. I had to buy my stupid office sandals (to complete the "office wear" look, which imo sucks cos I see so many of these female clones everywhere I go, and if you know me you'll know I hate being a clone) after that and I had church so it was a miracle I didn't sleep during the sermon. the only thing that kept me awake was the words the speaker kept saying. what he said was totally relevant to what I went through. (oh yeah, and maybe cos the sermon ended earlier today too.) another thing... oh yeah, another thing...the stuff on the right bar is not exactly updated....cos it's taken from my old blog....but i'll update it when i get around to doing it. and the overall template is...not the final thing yet, so i'll fine-tune it when...i'm free. which will be like i dunno when, since i'm starting my work attachment on monday (oh! the horror!).and while i'm at it, one more thing: guess you'll see less of me in volume here, since i'm so busy trying to be tactful with my words, or trying to figure out ways to say stuff without offending anyone or revealing too much. i dunno, but i have the feeling that i'll write much less in here than i would like to because of that, esp when i'm in a rush, cos i'd have to pause and think before i write, when i'm jus so used to writing before i think.
official blog opening ok ok i give up....this is the first attempt to come up with an "official" blog due to ppl constantly demanding for one, since i write too damn much in my emails, message boards, forums, etc. it's 3.16am now so forgive me if like a thousand things are not done yet. but basically i buckled to the pressure because (a) i'm jus way too bored now, though things will prolly change once i start work on monday :(, (b) i figured out a way to reveal without being too revealing, hence the title of this blog...you'll find out what i mean once i start posting and (c) i figure i can always shut this thing down if i find i've got no time to play word games with you people. haha. i'm sorry but i like to be politically correct at times, especially when it concerns who i'm making opinionated comments about and such. and anyways, don't tell me you guys don't feel weird when you see your name (or you jus noe it's you) appearing in someone else's blog in a less than fashionable light...i have anyways.so here goes my attempt to satisfy the masses...whatever. actually i couldn't give two shits about how many people pop by here, cos this site's just to answer your request for me to open my veil and let you in into my thoughts, which is really warped at times....esp these days when i'm not in such a rational frame of mind...which is prolly why i'm agreeing to this crazy venture too, haha. but first and foremost a warning: you'll find the language here not as sweet as the pastor's. but at the same time you'll find me mentioning god and jesus more often than you'd like (for the non-christians). but basically i'm trying to express instead of chronicle my life in this blog here, so what you'll get is the essence of me (though you won't really understand it at times, but aha, that's part of the deception). ok, warning over, let me explain what the heck i mean by saying i'm overt and yet covert. i've had so much free time this week to sit and idle my way through and my mind has been coming up with fresh creations...that i've finally figured out a way to reveal and yet not reveal too much, through the beautiful device of...poetry! yes, i've been reunited with my old love, both becos i've got nothing to do it's driving me crazy, and becos my drama n poetry teacher has been encouraging us to come up with this stuff before sch closed. he says everyone in our class has great potential, including me, but what do i care. anyway, don't expect the usual restrictions for which poem's supposed to fit into, which they taught you in high school, where bla and bla must rhyme, and it must be how many lines per stanza, and whatever shit. cos i'm gonna go all blank-verse on here....total free poems. but of course i won't rattle on in poems cos i noe some of you just hate that stuff. i'll include a few paragraphs of writings, a few short stories which try to reflect my mood at the time, etc....basically various ways of telling you what i'm going through but just not in a direct way, as a normal blog, or a normal journal would have it. for the absolute and whole truth, or for me to basically stop speaking in riddles and just tell you what the heck is going on, you'd have to ask me. i leave it to you to make the effort, because i can't afford to get sued for slander or criticised because of my opinions and way of seeing things, which i've come to realise can be pretty different from the general majority's, and as you know, being in the minority is always a risk. and oh yeah, i'll include older posts and whatnot i've come up with previously when i have the time....entries and stuff i've written on places other than this. i dunno if i'll change the dates n stuff to fit in with the timeline, but if i do, just be assured that this is the very first post and the very first day of founding this thing, so if you see posts dated before this, don't get confused. sing me to sleep this is the song i felt compelled to play, when i was typing out my thoughts on thurs nite on my laptop. i usually play this song when i'm down, so much so until i stopped playing it often...but that nite i just felt i needed god to speak to me thru this song once more. it's from switchfoot's second album, new way to be human, which is a fantastic album to listen to (good on the ears) when one needs soft music (but there are a few loud tracks in there too). this song was played to the strum of a slow guitar, kind of like a melancholy lullaby...when i first heard it, it provided me comfort even though i wasn't feeling particularly down at that time. and jon foreman, the singer, sings real soft here, almost like he's thinking his thoughts aloud, which adds to the mood of the song.
Let That Be Enough (written & recorded on Oct. 21)
by SWITCHFOOT I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday
22 years ago
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who know he's needy
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough.
lost this is a poem i wote on my laptop on this day, at roughly around this time. it's not really a mystifying thing, since i wrote it before i thought of creating this blog, but i've cut out a few parts here n there n did some editing.LOST by jessica where am i? I've lost my sense of purpose, sense of direction. I've become too much involved in the ministry of being down. I need a revival I need a life-change but all I get is strength to live on and believe. If only for one second I could be Superman and save the day most importantly, save myself from my tendency to self-destruct. I wonder what tomorrow brings, how long I'll stay in this phase, what makes me different from the rest from their problems and their jest. I know God is listening watching me type feeling me feel but I wonder when I'm gonna feel different somehow, feel that so-called betterness that can be found in Him. I try to move on try to pick up the pieces but my past always comes back to haunt me and my inward self cannot change its old ways its tendency to make mistakes for I am not perfect and never will be. what is my purpose in this? I ask, I wonder what I can do to be of use in this situation to come out stronger from this, to try to make sense of it all by following a purpose anything's better than nothing. some guidance is better than none. I stumble in the dark I see the light and yet I am still lost for I have not found myself yet I am but illuminated in a shadow of gloom. |
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