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read between the lines
insecure terrible terrible terrible. i have gone around doing stupid things online tonite. all becos my mind went a bit high today and i suddenly had extremely itchy fingers. my evidence is all over the chatrooms and blogs and emails and whatnot. seriously. i think minor damage has been done. and i feel some sort of light-headed stress pulsing through my blood as i wreak havoc. i think it points to the obvious: i'm insecure.where is my firm foundation? have i gone bonkers, wild, nuts? but then i look around at all the blogs i read and i realise i'm not the only one who's insecure...ok that was an understatement....everyone is. but not to this extent, right? seriously i am just amazed at the friends that stand by me in this moment of temporary insanity. this is just not proper behaviour. but what then is proper? how do we define it? does society determine the standards of being proper, or does god? but ultimately i feel that the culture we live in somehow shapes and colours our view with a certain amount of personal bias, even if we're trying to judge it by God's standards, like i am. it's just like weirdness...who defines "weird"? well for that the answer is much more obvious: it is society n the media. weird is supposed to refer to something unusual, something that stands out from society. but society always changes, so there is no definite tangible element to tag it to, right? fat was the "in" thing in 16th century paintings (or was it 17th? i jus noe it was somewhere around the time when artists were painting those portraits of fat naked women)....and now society says it's out. bookworms-cum-studious-types used to be hated and scorned at severely in the 80s n early 90s....n now i don't know if it's because we're older, but people don't seem to feel as repulsed towards them as they used to. ok, confession. i used to be that kind of person. wait. i still am, but bent on school books much less these days... but somehow the acceptance level is...higher than before. and it's the same with the people around me who have similar tendencies. ah...wait. i think i know what has been bothering me all this while. it was something someone said yesterday. it was a cliffhanger kind of statement, and so great was the impact that it has got me thinking all day and all night, wondering what in the world is the ending to that cliffhanger. there are so many possibilites. i've tried hard not to think about it, tried to block it out, which thankfully i managed to for a spell in the afternoon after a spot of religion (ok, repeated begging to God and certain godly reading material to be specific) when i was doing my work. but then my family drags me out for an outing at some man-made lake in the outskirts of johor at nite n when i come back late i find, to my annoyance, that once again i have fallen prey to losing the momentum. no mood to work suddenly. concentration / attention span is just...waning. and here i am stuck on the net. this shall be my last words before i retire from the net tonight....gotta go get it right with god again tonite. thank god school starts late tomoro...but it ends pretty late too. 10pm to be exact. hooked on music been taking out my "cruel intentions" OST and replaying it over n over again...i'm hooked once again...some of the songs in there are fantastic stuff...besides the usual suspects (fatboy slim's "praise you" and the verve's "bitter sweet symphony"), hidden in there are little gems of emotionally transcending music....like "ordinary life" by kirsten barry, who sounds like the lead singer of garbage in this track....or blur's "coffee and tv" which is....jus plain feel-good stuff. i dunno how to describe it....the guitar riffs have a sort of jingle to it....but seriously i seem to be getting backwards when it comes to music these days...hehe...keep taking old CDs n getting hooked on them....or maybe the quality of music on airplay these days has dwindled, that's more like it....sad stuff. what's more sad is, the reality of the murder of a girl one year my senior from my old high sch jus struck me today. multiple slash wounds. ouch....murdered by her indian bf. i mean, i found out earlier, which was on the day of her wake when i called my teacher up....but it didnt really register in my mind til today when news started spreading ard to others. not another one of us.... ok. subject switch. cos death is the least of my least-favoured topics. church today went surprisingly well...the service i was playing for, i mean. except for that one teeny weeny bit at the end where i played the intro for "Amen" at the wrong time....ouch! for quite some time i was walking ard church with this stupid smile plastered on my face...dunno if it was red though, but darn apparently it was obvious enuff for everyone to realise the mistake. my fren commented that maybe i wanted to end with a bang or sth to remember me by. a-ha-ha-ha. but nah, it wasn't so bad i guess. cos i got quite a lot of gd reviews as well...but like i said, it's not me, it's the holy spirit. the same goes for the rest of the band. n hey good beginning for a first-timer, worship leader. u noe who u are. as for me n my wistful-cum-reflective mood, er...i guess it's had less space to think so far cos i've had activities n events to do / attend. but man today was really a brain-killer. oh the slow torture of being at my grandparents' house. not that they're grandmonsters, though my "mama" comes close to being one with her loud voice, but it's jus that....it's always so boring everytime we're there. especially if no one else is there but us, and i can't understand most of the teochew going on. terribly boring. what a way to kill me softly. seriously i was dying of boredom and internal destruction jus having nothing to do there. and the worst part was my mom didn't even warn me beforehand so i cud grab a book or bring my laptop over to do my work. after church she jus ambushed me n said we're going to their house. i was like, what? cos usually when she says that, she will stay there for hours and hours and hours talking about i-don't know-what in that cryptic language they call chinese...teochew...whatever. and how nice of my grandmother to greet me with continuous initial insults tonite. verbal assault 101, until the point where i retorted in english. first it was the clothes...(why u wear black? i'm like, hey, my mom didn't even tell me we were going here) n then the language...n that was the really insulting part...she actually said in teochew to my mom, "you should really teach your daughter to speak teochew" n then she did a mock impression of me on the phone (cos lately she keeps calling the house when my mom's out n i have no idea how to say "car ride" in teochew), which really did it for me.... after that i jus shut my mind off n jus hurriedly finished my horrible rice-in-water meal so i cud leave the table. rice is never nice for me. n so is not being able to do anything. cos after that it was just terrible...it was a slow and agonising torture for my mind, having nothing to do over there. after a while i went to the back room to try to sleep...but for some reason the coldness of the bed and pillow, and the problems adjusting to the place prevented me from releasing my mind. seriously. now i really do believe that all you have to do to self-destruct a person is to just lock that person in a room with absolutely nothing to do. i tried to pray, tried to think, tried to reflect, but couldn't. it was just insane not being able to do anything, and i got more and more depressed as the time passed. in fact i was so bored that i sent the same message to 7 people, jus to see who would reply. strangely (or not), only 1 replied. but i kinda half-expected it anyway....2 more replied much later after the whole ordeal was over. retrospective yawn. i can feel a mini-headache encompassing the lower region of my skull. i think it mus be the unusual lateness of this time of the night that i'm keeping. cos ever since the mission trip ended i've never slept this late yet. always felt tired earlier...and my body clock still wakes me by 12, proof of which showed itself today as well. so what am i doing still up? i'm such a sloth tonite...lazy, yet never too lazy to look out for something that stimulates my mind...like reading ppl's blogs. yes, the blog-reading virus has caught me again! that's why i'm still awake...and also the fact that i've got tomoro off as well :).mark crispin miller is so right when he said we're all voyeuristic in nature when you really come down to it. it's only to what degree that voyeurism in you is....it's why reality shows are popular, why some blogs get high hits all day, why bla bla bla.....i'm too tired to continue on this debate. my eyes are half open and i am sitting with my back reclined comfortably against this broken computer chair (the back wheel's gone, so when i lean back i actually lean much further than i wud in a normal sitting position). i like the feeling....i'm falling asleep. but no! i mus wake up and at least finish what i wanted to do here, tho i'm gonna do a lousy job of it here (but i don't care rite now, cos sleepiness has no space for reason). i want to note down an observation of myself today n yesterday....a lot of reviewing and reflection has occured, more than usual. today i spoke to my teacher, the one back in the days of my old alma mater....so many years it took for us to speak again. i felt a bit bad that i never made more effort to trace her contact details until now. convent is turning 80 this saturday...what a milestone. i'm thinking of coming down there again for celebrations, after much avoidance for so many years....but i dunno. i mite not be able to. i digress. this is what the lulls of sleep do to you. where was i? yeah. reflections. back down memory lane...but viewing everything in a different light somehow...i called back to mind some previous actions i did, some previous issues i was involved with....and somehow or other i'm looking at them in a new perspective...i think "the old has gone and the new has come" (it's in the new testament somewhere)...i think i'm having a paradigm shift. suddenly i feel so old when i look back on these things and recall my reactions at the time. of course, tangible material has aided in triggering my feelings and opinions of these issues at the time, and as i flip thru the stuff, it jus seems...different somehow. am i really more the wiser or is this just some short spell of sanity before procrastination and laziness sets in? ok, so the fact that i've been clearing up the stuff in my room has made it easier for me to chance upon these material items and reminisce the old ways, but...i've realised i've been doing a lot more thinking and assessing when i'm in the bus with the strains of jars of clay fading into the background of my thoughts. something my senior said today also made me realise the free (or ":freer" time) in this sem is much more precious than i originally thought: she reasoned that the courses i was taking next sem are the heavy ones whereas this sem's ones are the slack ones......so my time here on campus is limited....got me thinking, i better start doing what i'm supposed to do before it's too late...yeah, i was referring to god's work as well, among other things....god's work especially..... reflective been reviewing and reflecting on a lot of things lately...it all started in the empty silence on the bus back. class ended early so i rushed home, which is pretty unusual for me cos i usually like to stay out late. and then i realised my life has changed somewhat....i even had a proper dinner and outing with my family without any fights. er, but i think i better keep the lid on that one, cos my family is...unpredictable. i owe it all to jesus when we manage to cooperate together.back to the reflecting....i dunno how, but my thoughts somehow brought me to a sort of crossroads....i started off thinking back on the short conversation i jus had with my fren who bumped into me at the sch office...we were both agreeing on the fact that third year's come so fast....seems like only yesterday we were in first year, she said...and then that got me thinking about the future and where i'd go after third year.... next thing i noe, i started wondering what i would be doing / where i wud go after that.....cos i haven't exactly got a set plan for it....all this while i'd been putting it off and telling myself, i'll think about it when it's the final sem....and now it nearly is the final sem....and i realise i haven't got a specific clue where i'm going. i mean i know where i want to head, but exactly how i don't know. and then i foresaw the future of this sem in one quick glance and realised i gotta start planning my free time if i wanna be a good manager of my time. my eyes were suddenly open to the fact that...this is the final year, so i'd better make use of it instead of put it to waste.....invest my efforts into god's work all the more before my shot is over....and it occured to me then that instead of slacking my free time away by entertaining myself with books or games or movies n stuff, i shud use it to serve in the ministry this time, esp since this is the last leg of my studies here. yawn. i'm tired. sleep beckons. i'm still not well from the sore throat yet...and now i have a blocked nose to add to it....yeesh. the night before sch starts hmm...am supposed to be getting ready for bed n finishing up my QT but instead i am stuck here waiting for oasis' "stand by me" to finish downloading. it's ironic...weird....whatever u call it....that i am able to get an almost immediate download response for this song but yet when i check for sting's "king of pain" or radiohead's "punchup at a wedding" i have yet to get a successful download on the shareware i'm using. time to switch...but the problem with shareware is it's risky. why can't they have apple tunes for free?but yeah i already know the answer. fat hope. anyway while i'm waiting i might as well do a quick recap of today. was supposed to join my yfers for badminton this morn but last nite felt a bit feverish, in addition to the sore throat i brought home from the trip (contracted it one day before i returned, n was the last one to get sick....if u dun count the duration after the trip, cos our clean-record-of-health member in the team finally fell ill today). so i slept. i think one of the good things about camps / mission trips is that, they make u wake up earlier than u normally wud each day, so much so that when u return home ur body clock actually sets itself to wake up much earlier than u usually do. not that i have been getting up around the time i'm supposed to get up for sch, but hey at least i'm up by 12-something since i've returned :p....yes, 12 is actually considered "earlier" for me. then i did some necessary chores n stuff (not much) n went for grp dinner as well as the gen12ii wave 2 commissioning thingy....fyi my mission trip was during wave 1, so tonite was to "pass the baton" to the wave 2's....it's sort of like a kickstarting ceremony, this commisioning nite thing. got to meet lots of long-time-no-see faces, so it was a reunion of sorts for me. oh yes....."stand by me" has finally finished downloading. goodie. while i listen let me jus type one more point and try to force myself off the computer after this. a brand new semester awaits tmr.....third year has finally arrived. amazing, but i didn't think i'd get here that fast. thank god He passed my modules last sem....i hope, i hope....that i don't mess up this sem, like the way i did the last. at least i come away with the added knowledge now that i cannot, simply cannot, do anything without god's help, that all my plans and strategies and whatnot is all down the drain if His hand is not with me. and so i do not aim to foolishly go thru the semester this time using my own strength and capabilities, but with the Lord's. "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain."
-- Psalm 127: 1 trip's over i was back on sat...n i slept for 5 straight hours til it was time for worship practice...today was back to a full day of church, which i love...but the thing i really hate about normalcy is that i have to go back to sch on tuesday...thank god for the vesak day holiday tmr, or else i wud be suffering from severe post-holiday shock...cos i haven't exactly prepared myself for sch yet. i managed to print out my timetable tmr...prior to that i'd only got to know that i got the modules i wanted, but i still knew nothing bout my timetable since i was on the trip n i forgot to check during the weekend :p...and praise god, there are no 8am classes this sem!!! i don't noe if it's becos it's Year 3 or if it's becos some of the teachers have spoken amongst each other about my repeated absence from 8am classes (go read my previous posts...i wasn't really absent but lateness still counts as that), but i definitely like the thought that i dun have to worry as much about missing classes this sem :). however, i do have a class that lasts from 5pm-10pm on tuesdays, n yeah, that's kinda draggy...it's my longest and yet my most-wanted class: photojournalism. i don't mind though...becos that means that there's no classes every mon!!! two fantastic firsts in my semester term (they're the ones in bold)...god is really good, heheh. but somehow i have the sneaky feeling that there's something worse to come behind these rose-tinted glasses...something in the form of more work and tighter deadlines perhaps...i dunno. the cold facts of the trip wud be that 50 kids outta 200 accepted christ but behind these statistics are actions of us touching and impacting (i hope) lives of the kids there. and not just the kids...god's been changing us too. personally, i can honestly say he changed my heart and made it able to know what it truly means to forgive. he's also shown me that there is strength in believing and relying on Him and Him alone in every single thing that i do, be it interacting with the team or reaching out to the kids. i sincerely hope that what i've learnt (these two things especially), i will be able to apply and retain it with me after the trip...cos it's pretty obvious that the true test is what happens after the trip. where do we go? do we continue living our lives as if nothing's happened? or do we choose to live like we've been transformed inwardly toward a greater degree of God's glory? as for what i was struggling with during the weekend in my last post, well i don't know if it's totally resolved yet or not...but i feel almost completely okay...not so troubled as before. maybe cos things have changed for the better, i dunno. but like i said, the true test will come when the rubber meets the road....wonder how i'll feel then. whatever it is, i do know that i genuinely aim to seek god first and his righteousness before all things. the trip so far "The Lord will rescue His people when He sees that their strength is gone. He will have mercy on those who serve Him, when He sees how helpless they are." -- DEUTERONOMY 32: 36 that was tonite's verse of comfort that seeped out to me from the pages of the bible in my pain today. it's...strange...or maybe not, but during the trip i was okay (or at least coping). n then today when it ended, i got affected physically, mentally and emotionally. maybe it's becos i haven't had enough sleep that my nerves are easily triggered, i don't know. but pressing thoughts certainly kept me up instead of snoozing like i originally planned to. so i prayed. i've lost count of the times i've encountered the short spurts of bursting out momentarily happened today. kinda unusual for me. but it's all been put on hold for now....have calmed down a bit after a few hrs, n my physical symptoms of sickness have faded. but i really gotta say that this verse rang true for me not just for tonite but during the trip....He was my strength the whole time and continues to be, for i knew i was forever weak and if i had actually used my own strength i wouldn't have gotten this far. oh wow. i've jus seen my fren's msn nick change from the i'm-thankful-to-god mood to these three words literally: "piece of shit". wow, so i guess i'm not the only one in christ feeling that way too tonite. but i'm not feeling it so much rite now...i think partly cos i'm getting sleepy....too tired to think much of in-depth stuff in this state. but other than today's worse-than-usual weakness, the trip was actually pretty inspiring....i can honestly say that i can see the hand of god moving in this trip..not literally, but i definitely do see the effects of it. for one, He has changed the situation between me and the team for me, and continues to amaze me and "come to my rescue" (see above) every day. which reminds me....thank you so much for all who have been praying for me with regards to this trip...thanks for praying for the team n for my specific prayer needs. i really am grateful that you peeps did and that at least i can say that i see unity in us praying for the same thing. back to the previous paragraph. where was i? oh yeah. and for another, he has been helping us, or rather, me, deal with the kids....cos they were quite a handful initially. i remember....the first day started off on the wrong foot for all of us, though i kinda think that i didn't get it as bad as the rest. it was "bad" because...we got to find out that the kids were actually monsters and hyperactive balls of energy in disguise. but somehow i feel really blessed becos, so far i have not had that serious the problems with the kids who were under me compared to my other teammates. second day was slightly easier....cos the kids got more accustomed and used to us...at least that's what the general comment was among the group. the remainder of the days drew mixed reactions from the team. but through it all, i have seen God working and coming through for me so many times when i needed His help and empowerment. and i've gotten to make some pretty firm friends already....firm as in they are consistent in their coming up to talk to me. am getting tired now and i think the best thing to do right now is rest my tired and weary head...and besides i'm zoning out now and i can't seem to think clearly as the time ticks by. came back today to rest, n gotta go out to singapore tomoro again n continue our final week of the trip. hope it goes well, both between the team, the kids and my walk with god. btw this phrase just came to mind tonite n i've put it on my msn nick....the pain and the providence go hand in hand....i think it does, from what i've experienced....and i guess i was thinking of this also because it was similar to today's team devotion reading...one of the articles was about how being close to god doesn't mean being essentially happy (as in finding some comfortable niche where everything works out smoothly and you love your life), which was what i had to find out the hard way.... oh wow surprising that i'm still up...this habit of blog-reading has got to stop! it's interesting what i stumbled upon...so interesting that i jus had to return to my nest n post my thots..haha...yeah, i was supposed to sleep, but u noe how one blog links to another and then another and then another? and you know how it's even weirder if u noe someone's friend's friend or sth like that, and then they write something about someone u noe as well, in a light that u never viewed that someone in previously?yeah, it's interesting...cos i thot everybody liked that someone. i guess not....so i guess picture-perfect people don't exactly lead lives that are admired by all...i mean, ok, so i did know that u can't please everybody, but still...i dunno, some ppl jus seem to lead such perfect lives that u question at all if anybody even hates them, hahaha... ok so maybe i'm getting a bit thick in the head today....or too sleepy to think...ok i'll sleep! gosh i hope i wake up in time to pack tmr before i leave for church n then the trip...
jus trippin' yeah....the trip finally starts here. i leave for sing tmr nite after service....i almost can't believe we're finally going. i was supposed to pack today but i ended up listing the stuff down....planning to chuck it all into the bag tmr, cos....i thot my clothes wud be all crumpled n musty if i packed today...ok, so there is a hint of uncertainty as to how people relations is going to fare in this trip, but still, i cannot deny that i do feel a lil' excited bout the trip...after all, it is an 'overseas' trip for me (even though the rest call it local)....kinda like a hol with a mission, haha.... but that's not the only thing i'm worried bout...basically i jus wanna keep my focus on god...n i wanna be faithful to my calling n remember that i'm doing this for god's praises, not for anyone else's.....i also want to see what god wants me to see in this trip....n learn from it. dunno how the kids will respond to us, esp me...hope they don't think we're aliens or some strange young aunties n uncles coming to "supervise" them....i'll find out when i'm there. this is the last post for me....til i return during the weekend. more to come when i next report on how it went... promising oww...once again it's eye-hurting to look at the screen again....and i dunno what i am doing here really, since i know i have quite a number of things to do.....like pack my bags for trip, or at least plan what to pack, which i haven't...i mean i have a list, but it's not finished yet.today's final team meet before the trip seems promising....i hope it speaks of better things to come and not worse instead...hmm i wonder how it's gonna go. but i must admit, no matter what happened today, i did feel pretty light since that huge load was lifted off my shoulders the other days.....and all the other loads seem so small in comparison. i hope. i mean i'm trying not to think too much about it.....or rather i'm trying to trust god more. and i was pretty glad that i finally dumped the stuff from my fancy dress programme over....it's part of the trip, n the bulk of it was the 110 goodie bags for all the kids there....thanks to my mom, she packed the whole thing yesterday nite n i've finally unloaded it today, so that i dun have to lug it all the way from jb when i come again on sun nite. yeah. trip starts mon but we're checking in sun. n i'm the latest to check in. speaking of which, i haven't practiced for tomoro's double-worship practice yet! i'm supposed to prepare for tmr's practice...at least that's what i endeavor to do...cos i wanna give god my best shot on sun....yeah, double-whammy worship playing....it's gonna be fun i guess. i always like the feeling i get when i noe i'm using what god's blessed me with to praise Him. also, today's baptism class wasn't as dry as it originally started out, so that was good i guess....it was about faith today. if there's one thing i've noticed about all the baptism classes i've gone for lately, it's that these classes have helped to remind and reaffirm my beliefs in god and reaffirm the promises i have in Him....i mean, surprisingly i'm finding what i originally thought of as an amateur-ish bible study rather edifying...i think it speaks well of the belief that we keep learning new things in god through old things. oww oww....my eyes hurt. and it hurts even more because i have to peer down while looking at this screen...cos the computer chair's wheels are broken...my dad sat on it earlier n broke it just like a giant goldilocks....hahaha...it was real funny....heeh...i still laugh at the memory...guess today i've been in a lightened-up mood...cleared some things off my mind lately...n my friends seem to be on the mend....so in a sense, it does feel like the burden's been lifted off my shoulders for now....there's still a big hurdle to climb, but i think it's only a "giant puppet" (as my friend said), so to speak, or one of the giants in the promised land. today was one of those weird days again when what your friend is saying to you, you're thinking of as well. it was like i was being mind-read for a certain, important span of time...but at the same time i also took it as a confirmation that it was indeed god speaking to me, revealing His advice through not only the person i was conversing with but through my thoughts as well. well, i can't deny that i did pray for wisdom and understanding from above in that matter...and i believe i received it....and am still receiving it. oww....my eyes hurt so much that it's making my head hurt slightly...but my song by Sting hasn't finished downloading yet...argh...cannot take it, guess i'll have to let it go. encouraged before i start today's post, i jus wanna unload coldplay's latest single onto this blog....i luv luv luv it....but "beware" cos the lyrics, esp the chorus, might not actually be correct, since this comes fresh off the net, and the single's only just recently been released, too recent for the lyrics to be officially available yet.Speed of Sound by COLDPLAY how long before I get in? where do, where do I go? look up, I look up at night how long am I gonna stand and all that noise, all that sound ideas that you'll never find the first sign that I couldn't read and all that noise, all that sound some things you can't invent some get made and some get said ooh.. words go flying at the speed of sound to show how it all began birds came flying from the underground if you could see it then you'd understand oh, when you see it then you'll understand basically today was a pleasant surprise. i had my usual slight trepidation at attending my friend's chalet, since i don't know his friends, but thankfully it wasn't as hard to fit in....and i actually had fun...enjoyed talking to them. i also found a friend in someone new to me...which was...somewhat encouraging? i mean, as i walk along life's path, and sometimes you get muddy trails n stuff, and then sometimes you get clear skies and clear paths and you feel...somehow encouraged by the hand of god? yeah..something like that. actually what was more encouraging was how i got yet another rare glimpse / insight into life on the other side of the fence through that friend...it was indeed enlightening and helpful to hear from the perspective of the other...i was thinking, finally, an honest conversation with someone about this matter...and not in a hurtful approach too.... moody "i wanna live in a wooden house making more friends would be easier i wanna live where the sun comes up.." -- we never change, coldplay i think i was right when i said i was safe if i stayed at home...or mebbe i might regret that once my family starts squabbling, haha...but yeah. it's been a up-and-then-going-down day today...i'm talking about my mood. hurm...circumstances change but god's plans never change....gotta get that drilled into my head. i think maybe the seed of sorrow was planted / crept into my heart when the person i was in the car with started playing the most miserable song u could ever hear. and he kept playing it on repeat summore...so annoying. i think with every round i could feel my spirit going down...i felt really sickened by the music. and then....i think it went further when i was allowed to get lost in my own thoughts during the frequent conversation breaks in today's jamming session....and then i think i descended when i let the cat out of the bag to someone.....and then now i don't know where i stand. actually at one point during my usual chat-to-self in the bath i felt like avoiding my church altogether. toying with the idea is a dangerous thing if you don't keep your eyes on jesus, on whom all your faith depends....(yup, it's my good news version of the hebrews 11 verse i mentioned before)....but of course the spirit almost immediately reminded me that communing with and getting restored in god is my main purpose of going to church, not anything else.... i posed this forthcoming question yesterday, but i took it out (from yesterday's post) and modified it: i wonder how we must look like to god from above...i guess we're like little dots of light moving around on this planet earth, each with our own little tendencies and needs....and i wonder what's the reaction on god's face when he sees us doing things that will ultimately cause us pain or regret, whether we know it or not when we're doing it....does god go "noooo..." and try to warn us, like he's worried for us? or does god seem sad, as he sees us take the path that leads us further down? does he get mad, mad at us, mad at me, for ruining my life or even feeling like it's ruined (not ruined forever, but temporarily) even though i have so much to be thankful for? or does he simply laugh and throw up his hands in the air? i think the one thing i'm forgetting in this picture is: god is our creator. it's just like in baptism class last week (and this week's recap): who is god? he is creator, he is supreme / sovereign, etc... god is our creator. which means he pretty much knows how his creation is going to function and what it is capable of. and wait...god is all-knowing. so he already knows what we're going to do, what i'm going to do, before we even do it. so i guess maybe god has a look of expectation on his face, in answer to my question. but i think i'll never really know, because who can comprehend wisdom from above? what is wisdom here is pure foolishness in heaven....besides, his ways are not our ways, so why am i even trying to rationalise or compartmentalise my god, the one who's so big, so strong and so mighty? (yup, thinking of that sunday school song again, cos i play it often, heh.) BAPTISM CLASS NOTES (headings): What is God? God is creator. God is holy. God is love. God is supreme / sovereign. wait.....i think i got it. god is sovereign. and he reigns supreme. which means everything on earth and on heaven is under his control. and he's holding everything together, including my life and what happens to me or the people around me or my interactions with them. ok, so it's all in good hands. His hands. time to relax and surrender to Him..... |
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