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read between the lines
final post i can't sleep tonight. i just can't.even though i'm stoned and my head's a little heavy, my mind is awake.
"and i feel stuck.." "The song was written and recorded on the same day. October 21. I was looking out across the waters of my life thinking, "Nothing is certain. Anything can happen. But I can't make this on my own. And nothing here can satisfy me." This is my prayer on the day before my birthday: that Christ's love would be all that I need; that even when things are not the way I would have them, His presence would be enough......That was a really, really tough time for me. Just recording that album was tough. A lot of things didn't go the way we wanted them to. Just a real growing time, maturing time I guess. Being away from home for 3 months and the feeling of not being able to express what I wanted to in music. The feeling that you have these songs inside of you but couldn't get them out was a really tough thing. So Let That Be Enough was kind of a song of desperation, a calling out to God to be living and active in my life. I wrote the song after lunch, played it for Charlie (Producer Charlie Peacock) and he said "that's it" and we recorded it in like the second take. We added background vocals and keys, and that as it. We re-wrote the song New Way To Be Human 43 times and recorded it again, and again, and again, and then this one was finished in like 3 hours." -- Jon Foreman, on writing Let That Be Enough every year it gets closer to the 22nd birthday mentioned in the song. but almost every time i revisit this song it still feels the same as i felt in the old days.
the last supper this is my last night tonight. so blog i will, before the fast begins.decided to keep things light today....so i purposely brought my palm along for entertainment purposes to the office. the first thing i noticed on my first day is this sign pasted on the wall of one of the toilet cubicles.  when i saw it i was like wth? they wanna teach us how to defecate? like as though need teaching. and then when i went into the next cubicle i saw this:  ohhh. another funny one was..something that sadly, i forgot to take a picture off. i was waiting for "the opportune moment" when no one was milling around the toilet door or the office cubicle nearby...but for some reason people kept hanging around. i'll post it up when i next take it...it was supposed to be a sticker on the toilet door advertising the new i-mac. but when you step in, you get this....  instead of the computer room, you get...toilet humour. hahaha. and thirdly, this one is an inside joke. this is what my predecessor left behind on my office desk (yes, i actually have a proper cubicle this time! no sitting by the stupid printer and letting people step on your bag under the table like last time):  looks normal? look again:  shi-shaw shi-shaw is all i see. i can't read, write or speak chinese for nuts. anyway, i finished my work pretty early today so i decided to refurnish my area, since it's now mine. took down all the post-its, cleaned the place (had not expected it but i actually saw dust fly out of those books stacked against the shelf. speaking of which, i did a little replacing of my own to that area. and this is the result:  there....much better. at least i can actually read what i see now. didn't get rid of all the books with the funny writing though...cos as i'm still new, the stack of books i get is small for now. have yet to add more to my library, as more projects come along. it's prayer-n-fast time again the bird has finally caught a worm or two. i couldn't believe it but tonight's jobhunting found a few possible openings. of course it might be just like all the rest...except tonight i actually applied for something i like doing. it was as i was filling up the cover letter and updating my resume for the vacancy that i realised the implications of what my current temporary job can offer in paper.for just a brief moment i could see the future and just how important me working at this current paradise of a job could pay off by giving me a past (read: experience noted in black-and-white) in this area. and after much prayer, my stomach, though hungry, is not over-hungry today and tonight. less cups of milo to make, less heartburn. thank you god for giving me a little boost tonight. on one hand i feel terrible that i need a booster shot in order to feel genuinely grateful, but..on the other hand, i have to stop condemning myself. anyway since my head is clear and i'm currently "free", i think i better post this up while i'm able to.  *don't know why they didn't put the duration of fast on their promo picture this time. the date mentioned is merely a rally. actual date of fast: 22 july - 30 august 2006.i will be taking a mini-sabbatical off this blog for one month starting this saturday when national prayer-and-fast season starts. as usual i can't fast physically so i will be fasting on material stuff...like this, among others. i did this last year and i found it to be effective...regardless of me knowing someone who told me anything that isn't a food fast is useless. while i am aware that a food fast is really something (i only tried a partial fast once), i still think god works through other fasts as well. i don't think He would short-change me just because i'm (depending on how you look at it) short-changing him. He knows my capabilities and my limits and he knows how much gastric juice i can handle. i know i will be suffering from withdrawal symptoms (based on last year) so i will be offering an alternative outlet to my creative input...elsewhere :X . overall, i look forward to this next adventure and i truly hope i can be of some use to the nation, the people and last but not least, to god during these 40 days. and i prayerfully hope i'll be able to realign my focus once again, because i seem to be veering off-track and then coming back again for a brief moment of awakening....and then back to the wilderness. so yeah, it'll benefit not only myself but the country as well. swell. also feels somewhat patriotic (let's all sing negaraku together now) to be doing this, though i'm starting to laugh as i say this. anyway if you're reading this and as a m'sian you haven't heard about this or forgot, or if you're not a m'sian and you'd like to pray, find out more here. they used to have the booklet free for download but now an order has to be placed first...if i have more time i'll write more about it since i have the booklet anyway.
for You i'd wait this song was reportedly written by coldplay for johnny cash..but then he passed away. this song can be interpreted several ways lah, but to me i see the 'you' in question as god. no frills here on this track, just the basic guitar jangling away...something like the way johnny cash would've sung it.yes, lord, "For you i'd wait til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me." philippians 1:23. but for You i'd wait, lord, for You i'd wait. 'Til Kingdom Come by COLDPLAY Still my heart and hold my tongue I feel my time, my time has come Let me in, unlock the door I never felt this way before And the wheels just keep on turning The drummer begins to drum I don't know which way i'm going I don't know which way i've come Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you i've waited all these years For you i'd wait til kingdom come Until my day, my day is done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn't change a single thing And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don't know which way i'm going I don't know what i've become For you i'd wait til kingdom come Until my days, my days are done Say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me warped it's 4.53 am and i just woke up 20 minutes ago. i can't believe i left my phone on silent mode. slept right after dinner, was supposed to watch project runway and wake up...but when i got up, i saw all the blinking (but silent) alarm reminders that i was supposed to have woken up hours ago. my eyes are still hurting and i'm a little groggy even though i've slept 8 hours...maybe after some typing i'll be back to normal.but yet there's this feeling of excitement at having woken up at my favourite hours (read: night life). speaking of excitement the last thing i remember before waking up is i dreamt i went to genting, but a totally different genting. in the dream it was more like cameron highlands in the sense that we visited shops and farms instead of the theme park (which i always do). surprisingly i could recall quite a lot from my dream..something i haven't been able to do for some time. i was reading this article in the papers on dreams the other day, and it said people who are happier tend to have more creative dreams, i don't know if that's true or not. but until fairly recently i couldn't even remember what i dreamt of, just that i knew i dreamt. i'm still a bit woozy..urgh, why can't i feel alert? i've lost so much time already. and...what was i thinking yesterday? think the late night got me a bit high or something, writing all that shit. last night's hunger was really bad though, which was why it was disturbing me enough until i had to mention it. it was so bad it evolved into a stomach ache, and after settling that i was still drinking milo no. 5 or 6 at like 4.45am. it still carried on over to the daytime today, though (thank god) on a much smaller scale. thankfully my workplace has milo (unlike my old one where there was only coffee and tea), so i was making cups of it all day due to this really weird hunger. lunch only subdued it for awhile. when i woke up today...it almost kicked in immediately. and now, one cup of milo later, my stomach is still churning up the juices. sheesh. it is so strong anti-acid pills didn't help much yesterday. i think i can recall a doctor from my past telling me one of the causes could be stress, but...i don't think i was that stressed when this first started. argh...i slept the required 8 hours and my head still feels like a half-ton of bricks. i thought i would be able to chiongthe remainder of the night away until i leave for work. but i am nowhere near the mood nor the alertness to write a proper cover letter today...i'll probably come up with more irrational crap (something the likes of jack sparrow's logic) if i send any out today. so i think i have to abandon plans tonight and consider this one day wasted. and settle my stomach -- it's reminding me now. hunger seems like i get hungrier and hungrier every night. i don't know why but ever since world cup, i get hunger pangs as the night progresses. on average i have to pacify my stomach with 4-5 cups of milo every night. and someone says this isn't normal. sometimes even milo is not enough, i get so ravenous i have to eat 3 slices of bread, a few soda biscuits...all pretty basic crap stuff, if you ask me. one day when i get my own place i will stock it up with truly yummy stuff, not...crap. chipsmore and oreos, fruitloops, chocolate...i'm hungry already writing this down.all i know is if i don't drink milo or make myself starve, my stomach will get so angry the next day it will send me to the john's for big time physical pain. which can be inconvenient if you're rushing to work or school or whatever. and this continues every night. i don't know why my stomach just got into overdrive like that...and i don't even get fat or put on weight as far as i can tell. so far only chappati has a similar predicament (lol). but even then, she does not have that much of a troublesome stomach to contend with. also, i just can't seem to get enough of late nights. i work early but...i still love the night life. i sleep after dinner and wake up in time to bathe and get online with the stuff i need to do. maybe i should get a job as a security guard or better yet, midnight lounge or bar pianist (haha). a few rays of light i am grateful for the miracles raised.i never thought i would say this but i actually love love love my temp job now. only peeve is it's in jb, so it's not counted as serving the bond. but i am grateful for this placement nonetheless. got the interview and the job saturday, but was not told of the salary till today. as usual my parents fretted, they wanted me to be paid decent while me, i just wanted the experience. the company made me wait till 10am today (came 8.30am) but when the hr lady flipped open the paper she was covering to show me my salary (she couldn't say it out loud cos there was another newbie present), i wanted to scream for joy. sure, it's slightly less than what i got for my attachment, but by local standards this is a pretty comfortable pay already. and it's way higher (and better) than manning a push cart or being a salesgirl at one of the malls here. speaking of the newbie, it turns out he was a local who'd just come from singapore too, though he'd actually worked there. he looked a lot like an old friend i used to know (and miss, at times) so i guess it was much easier to talk to him? anyway after the briefings and stuff, the hr lady took us on a tour of the place..and golly is it a hidden labyrinth! i had no idea that three-storey office shoplot held so many people and 3 sets of offices, in addition to the already-familiar tuition centre. but the thing that really got me was...i really got to see an actual printing house, from editorial to layouts to printing. and i was so excited to see every thing that i had learnt in theory during my course of study in real life. especially the layout department. they had designers editing the layouts using adobe indesign, exactly the way we used to do it in school when we had that mock magazine and newspaper thing. actually i kinda had fun doing the layouts back in school so er, i did wonder for a moment if i should've applied for that job instead heh. but all the same, i really really love my job, and this is the first time in my life i have ever truly enjoyed a job i had to work for. there's so many things to like about it when i compare it to my previous office job. like: i actually like what i'm doing, and not doing something i'm forced to do. my job requires a balanced shift between looking at paper and looking at the computer, so my eyes don't hurt or get strained from hours of data entry anymore. the air-cond is not so deathly cold, in fact it's just right for a skinny person like me. though i haven't managed to stay long enough to see office politics play out, my colleagues are way friendlier and more approachable than the other job. one of them even took the initiative to talk to me first, which made it that much easier because one person leads to another. also they're not much older than me so i don't feel so pressured into "respecting my elders" the way i did last time. and other things. and as if that wasn't enough, in the middle of the afternoon i got a call from a company in sg asking me to come down for my first interview tomorrow. anyway i don't care if i get it or not, i'm just glad this is something to shut my parents up about, at least for now. because i have faith that if this is part of god's providence, it will work out and if it doesn't, another job will come along that is part of the plan. sometimes i wish my parents could believe just as much as i do, but for now i'm just grateful. and i'm grateful i'm grateful...if anyone understands what that means. because it (being grateful) probably means more to me than people really understand.
true "i think sometimes the easiest way to lose something is to want it the most." -- J.D., Scrubs and that was the anecdote for tonight's episode of scrubs. so terribly true. snapshots of events i am too lazy and not really in the mood to type or explain much tonight.yet i feel i need a distraction, a platform to release some creative output from the humdrum act of jobhunting. also, i'll probably forget about it if i don't put it down.... so, here are the tangible results of only three of my recent activities that i managed to take photos of, starting from most recent. i am not really a camera-toting person since the only cam i have now is a palm, and a palm can only do so much (furthermore i would have hell to pay for if i lost it), so the next best thing is to photograph what's left behind -- a card, receipt, etc.   this two-faced hologram card is the result of watching potc's dead man's chest on the first day of its opening here - 13 july. my verdict: the first movie was better. my friend whom i went along with agrees. sure, this one was had some really funny slapstick humour moments courtesy of the bumbling jack sparrow, but it sure left a lot of unanswered questions and acted more like a setting for the 3rd movie. in that way i felt this 2nd movie can't stand alone for itself, and any movie that can't stand alone for itself is...lacking something. but, i did get to see jack davenport (the one keira's character was supposed to marry in the 1st movie) looking dirty, which is totally out-of-line with his usual clean self on the old tv series coupling and other movie appearances like the talented mr. ripley. and he still looks pretty ok despite the filth. heh.   thanks to an a lazy afternoon and an online chat with emm-arr, i ended up going to see the dinosaur bones exhibition at singapore science centre. not many people know but when i was young i used to be so hung-up on dinosaurs. i even bought the whole 100-issue collection of the very popular dinosaurs magazine back then (thanks to grandma). i memorised almost every dinosaur's name, the facts related to it, how it looks like...i even considered being a paleontologist at some point in my childhood (oh those innocent days). but...money became an issue, other things like the computer came along and...that part of my life was boxed up and put aside. so of course i jumped at the chance to finally get a look at the bones...it turns out they were all casts. but still, it's the closest i'll probably ever get to looking at what had so enraptured me in my early years. they had a few t. rexes, there was a protoceratops though no triceratops (my favourite dinosaur of the time) an iguanadon and the rest, the names of which, through time, have escaped my memory already. sadly no one else seemed to share or understand my joy, not even the girl i made friends with who was working at the exhibition (we still had a lot to talk about since she had just finished jc and was leaving for an overseas uni while i was...well yeah). my mom had the worst reaction though: "but they're all dead what. wasting your money like that, going for these things." i find it hard to believe her favourite subject in school was history.   i had been wanting to get the movie for a long time, but had forgotten to, and then i read the book by nick hornby some moons ago and it was sooo good that i started an all-out search for the movie here. it's the first book that's made me seriously laugh every few minutes in ages, resulting in annoyed glares in my direction, and i was so tempted to buy it after 8 hours and 2 days in the bookstore, but i didn't because of the price (price was fair enough, it was the average, but i was short on cash). but old movies have been out-of-stock in the pirate market here (yo, ho, ho) so i put it on hold. but then one day out of boredom i step into a video shop across the causeway and it so happens they are selling this for S$9.90 instead of the original price of S$19.90 because of the great singapore sale. what's more, this is an original (though sadly it wasn't imported so they didn't have extra pages to ogle at or anything). so buy it i did. have yet to watch it cos i'm saving it for a rainy day...or night, should i say. but most nights are filled with, let's all say it together...the humdrum act of jobhunting. simple faith i like the innocence of this song. there's really a hint of innocence associated with the early years back when skillet was just starting out. this is a deviation from their usual hard rock riffs, veering instead towards soft guitar strums, a background violin to colour the sound and simple lyrics. a simple song yet with complex undertones.this song dispenses hope, not in an i-believe-i-can-fly (that's r. kelly's song, by the way) kinda way, but in its simplicity, the type that's associated with child-like faith. and i guess that's something not only me but everyone else has to come full-circle back to eventually: simple faith. kinda like most of my life anyway. i find myself doing backward turns more often in the latter part of my years in order to move forward. it's funny but before this i always thought the past was something you try to put behind and tried to forget (though it always followed you like a ghost), instead of something you needed to come to terms with and learn from. Saturn by SKILLET I ask him When will I be free? He said I Am Asking him When will I change? He said No matter now No matter now Saturn has a ring around it You can never see it with your eyes Saturn has a ring around it Many moons know this to be true You ask him How can You be real? He said you'll be Knowing Him How you do Now He says Rest in this Rest in this Saturn has a ring around it You can never see it with your eyes Saturn has a ring around it Many moons know this to be true Heaven has a ring around it The angels sing a song over you Heaven has a ring around you If you don't see it know that it's true
career talk tonight on ambush argument (as opposed to ambush makeover):jessica gets a surprise bashing at what would usually be a normal dinner outing with her parents at one of their very regular hangouts. "the talk" about her non-existent career life arises and watch as her parents pile the pressure on her. will she survive? find out next...on ambush argument. (clips of "oh" "my" "god" from jessica (as opposed to snippets of the conversation: "we're not trying to put pressure on you, but..." isn't that like, contradictory? "it's not about that, but..." (in response to me saying i have no reason to worry because i have complete faith god will provide me a job when it's time) then what is it about? i think the whole kopitiam knows, from our conversation, about what course i got into, how i'm bonded for 3 years and when i just graduated. haih. but we'll probably still go there again for dinner like we usually do, considering that kopitiam has tolerated worse through the years. violent fights with my brother and i, shoutout matches with my parents, and once, even a parang-wielding man chasing down the road in front of the kopitiam after some man he probably had dealings with (at least the last one wasn't drama created by my family). but what i don't get, that is really making it so much harder for me to understand my parents, is this. they ask me tonight "why haven't you found a job? are you trying hard enough?" and blah blah blah even though i can honestly say i have prostituted myself to at least 30 companies already and counting, but yet their actions tell me otherwise. from what i could deduce from tonight, they want me to get a job and move out (i mean wth like as though i have not entertained thoughts of finally being away from all the crap i have to take), but yet they still try to be control freaks and give me stupid rules like insanely early curfews (in a way that has kind of marred my opportunities towards getting the job i really wanted to take up) and they balk everytime i actually do get a (temp) job or come close to getting it, always trying to talk me out of it as if they don't want me to work. later, my mother has been getting on my case about money issues, she nags and nags about it and adds in a few action steps (like restricting my allowance), then when i try to get a temp job she gives me a hundred and one reasons why i shouldn't take it up. wth...it's like she wants to gain control over my life by controlling my income, and yet we have this talk today about how i should get a job soon. confusing or what. what do my parents want, i really don't know. and somehow i get the feeling they are not sure themselves. it is times like these i get so angry i feel like purposely getting a job as a toilet cleaner or roadsweeper and moving out immediately. (hey you never know, everyday, i wake up and i pray for 2 things: god, help me be a less angry person and a less easily-angered person. today, i add one more: god, help me handle pressure well. confrontations were never my forte, you know that, so please help me. so many things to learn, so many things. perhaps this could be practice for whatever i will face in the working world, who knows. fooling around i miss fooling around with the piano. i only got like a few minutes (15?) to mess around before my parents came back. and this is a sampling of what i came up with:times of refreshing out of reach - gabrielle (i've deliberately uploaded it such that it has a limit of one week, because this is just rough work and isn't worth keeping.) this is usually the type of sound i come out with when i'm free, alone and free to express my emotions on the piano. i didn't quite manage to let it all out, given the short time, and the apparent rustiness from not being able to mess around with the piano for so long, hence the mistakes here and there...but some time is better than no time. what i would give for a room alone with just the piano, a notebook and a few hours. side note: i heard it mentioned somewhere that john lennon had a piano in every room, including the kitchen and bedroom, and i was thinking how fantastic that must've been, and how much creativity and energy he must've been able to muster from all that...and this is the guy who came up with likeable-across-the-board hits such as "imagine" and "love". also, i forgot how much my dog, the one i deem as the most "human" out of them, loves listening to the piano. he immediately came to the door like he used to do and lay down to listen, honest! i am positive the dog listens...he always has this thinking sort of look when he's listening, and his ear will give the occassional prick if i hit the note too hard. and when i notice he's there, that's when i like to tease him by singing his name into whatever i'm playing, which will make him break into a wide grin, wag his tail and come over as if to say, "cut the crap". but he hates it when i do rock, he prefers all those slower songs, those he can relax and lie down to. moving along Come My Wayby SKILLET Hundreds come from everywhere Just to see your face and touch the healer's hand Desperate, I push through the crowd If I could touch your clothes I could feel your power Come my way Come my way Come my way Please look And notice me Just to release my pain Just to know your name Come my way I'm out of touch I'm out of reach I've got the faith to believe Am I out of touch or out of reach What would it take for you to walk towards me I'm out of touch, out of reach But I'm running towards you and it's all I believe Come my way Come my way Come my way Just a touch -- it's so easy to think otherwise. to think, like in the song, you're out of touch, or you're somehow left behind and alone in this sense. or that there is no future, no end to all......this. but realising that god, more often than not, tends to work gradually and not overnight, as we would all like him to, puts things in perspective i guess. besides which is better, die trying or try dying? anyway if there's anything i've realised, false optimism is better than real pessimism, because it actually pays off with real benefits in the end. still working on that though. ironic i hate looking for jobs. and after sunday's feedback, i just realised for 2 months i've been applying and looking for jobs i loathe doing. i mean do i really want this? but sadly that's where the money lies. i really hope i'm not signing a death sentence here.blame me for getting easily affected by what people say. but all the same i haven't lost all that undescribable peace within me, just a little uncertain now i guess. but i'm still trying to look at it in god's eyes, that He knows what He's doing and He knows my hopes and dreams....and i just have to trust that if i have to get a job similar to the hellish attachment i had, it's all part of the plan. all i know is i felt useless, despondent and borderline suicidal when i took up that attachment job. hopefully it'll be different this time round, either the outlook or the job...but most likely the outlook. it is said that 60% of people from my course take up a job in the corporate world, which i hate oh-so-badly i would kill for a somewhat more artistic job. i used to think why were they so stupid, coming to study something so boring after learning such cool stuff....but now i understand it's because they had no choice. haih. i wonder if it's really true that the working world is the time to suffer and college is the only time life is good. at least that's what almost everyone who now works has been telling me. i really hope this isn't so. when we're young, we have so much hope, so much promise. some kids wanna be firemen, artists, actors, composers, private detectives (i had a friend who wanted to be that during the hardy boy/nancy drew craze), etc. anything is possible at that age. but when we get older, either our amibitions change to something more realistic or we just view our real ambitions as merely wistful dreams and move on to whatever we need to live on instead. god's really got me this time. he took away my great excuse that is to further my studies so as to stall for time while i figure out what to do and made it so that i have to decide now. the stage is set for the big unknown and (so obviously) the chance to take a big step of faith by trusting him for the future. who knows this could be another monumental chapter of my life, i don't know. but all i know is i have to trust and go along with this uncanny peace within me that truly trancends human understanding because it's all i got right now, or else i'll go insane. what i've come to realise all this while is that i've been under the illusion that i'm in control of my life when i'm really not, so when things cock up and things look like they're up in the air i blame myself for doing such a bad job of trying to handle the reins. but the truth is i was never in control of my life, at least not fully. rather, god was. and knowing who he is and what he intends, i just have to trust his judgements instead of mine and keep reminding myself of that. so now back i go to my jobhunting, looking for jobs i don't like and even hoping to get one of these jobs i don't like. sounds so stupid. but until i get a revelation or my dream job drops into my lap from the heavens, i think this is the only way to go. like as though it's so fun poring through the lists in the middle of the night trying to get something i can't see myself liking. oh the irony. not france's year from vive la france it became viva la italia. and all because of 1 miss in the penalty shootout which wasn't even due to a goalkeeper's save. kanna sai. at first when france first scored within 5 minutes of the game, i thought there was hope. and then when italy equalised i was uncertain. and then when henry, vieria, ribery and zidane started getting substituted, things started to look kinda scary.who asked that stupid zidane to head-butt materazzi...no doubt he was provoked, but he could've just settled the score after the match instead of throw it all away. zidane was the man i was counting on and then he goes and fouls. and the worst of it is he wasn't even allowed on field during the prize-giving. i must admit i thought les bleus were dead meat when it had to come down to a penalty shoot-out, thanks to barthez's wonderful skills. but it turns out it was not barthez who sealed their fate. oh well. post-match, i see thuram in tears and the azzurri kissing the cup. and then they get engulfed in what looks like pillow feathers and rolls of toilet paper falling from the sky. good way to save money eh? (kidding...i know it really wasn't feather or toilet paper material lah). and then it starts raining all of a sudden here. well, i can't say italy didn't deserve it though. not for their match-fixing and politicking, but definitely for their star players. i'm not going to comment too much on this match because i don't know both teams that well enough so i shall stop here. so this is the end of this year's WC. but probably not the end of late nights for me, as i'm always up late anyway. but it sure provided for good entertainment, some matches. i would've liked to have watched tonight's finals with my kakis at some mamak stall with some really big projector and a nice big cup of teh tarik in my hand, but thanks to house arrest i had to be content with the comforts of my own home. but i guess that's fine with me, considering i didn't really get into the game much this year anyway. man...i don't even feel like sleeping now it's 6.16am. but i guess i probably will or my parents will kill me. (still) ballack on the brain too bad germany's golden boy ballack's not playing tonight...i thought i saw him by the substitute benches but i could be mistaken. but i know i saw him for sure at the mrt (grin). that adidas +10 thing. darn, i would've loved to see him play again tonight, it'd sure beat watching a movie hehe. well waddya know. thanks to up-to-date technology i have living proof that ballack is on the benches, though they're not showing him now (see picture). i still can't get enough of a man that hot (swoon).it's amazing how i always suddenly feel awake at night even if i've been so tired during the day i've fallen asleep on the bus due to fragmented sleep the night before...i'm supposed to be up early tomorrow, but none of me wants to sleep. not my brain, not even my stomach. 3 slices of bread, 2 cups of milo and my stupid stomach is still churning out gastric juice. thanks to a bad decision to eat a measly small bowl of porridge for dinner due to giving in to the incessantly scolding of my mother to buy a cheap meal today. whatever...i can't win either way. note to self: stuff chewing gum in ears next time my mom starts making that long annoying whiny noise more commonly known as nagging. and buy myself a decent meal even if it costs a tad bit more. -later: half-time now, neither portugal nor germany has scored. but at least the camera caught ballack yawning at the stands right before the ads. hehehe. also i realise our household is extremely blessed because we can receive singapore, malaysia and even indonesia free-to-air channels on tv. and not only that, if one country's channels are not showing a particular match, the other country is. how cool is that. -latest: germany won! i knew they would. 3-1. more ballack moments...though they didn't show the prize-giving ceremony bit. oliver kahn really is a great goalkeeper. and schweinsteiger...power to him for scoring 2 out of the 3 goals. yawn...finally time to sleep, 5.30am. thank god no extra time, i was thinking. 
ballack on the brain last post: "i think i better force myself off the comp..."continuation of that same night (rather, early morning): from the computer to the TV was more like it. i was intending to sleep, er or at least had the intention of forcing myself to bed, but the minute i saw michael ballack on TV i knew i'd never be asleep, at least not for a few hours. to tell the truth, actually i didn't really wanna make a mention out of anything related to the fifa world cup this year on this blog because i haven't exactly been a consistent fan, at least for this year. i watch the matches i want to and the parts i want to (who asked that cristiano ronaldo to piss rooney off?). and i turn the telly off when it gets too boring (the beginning part of the first match with costa rica made me sleepy, ballack around or not). [*side note, scroll to bottom] but ballack on the night of semi-finals (good reason to watch) on a night when i really needed something to lift my downhearted mood (even more reason to watch)...swoon. i don't know if anyone's ever noticed, but ballack looks like a brunette matt damon with wavier hair (especially at the back). in fact i think he looks hotter than matt because brunette suits that type of face better.  damon left, ballack right: see the resemblance? so i stayed glued to the TV in hopes of close-up shots of ballack...and i was richly rewarded. ballack attempting a block tackle near the corner arc, ballack doing a (failed) penalty kick, ballack crashing into gattuso, ballack and iaquinta headbutting and then falling down and rubbing their heads at the same time (haha that was clownish-ly funny), ballack shedding tears of disappointment (and so on)...i was not disappointed.  ballack and his lip/ tongue thing... tell me if that isn't matt damon-ish or what.but truly it was bitter, like ballack said, not just for him but for the nation. news reports like this said he bit back tears when some insensitive reporter asked him which was worse, this defeat or WC2002's (in which him getting banned cost germany their win). however, i still feel ballack and (coach) klinsmann did a good job at unifying east and west germany by putting together the first WC team from both sections, and that is something that should be applauded. ok now that i've done enough drooling, getting back to the game, who would've expected italy to score in the final 2 minutes of extra time? i mean wow that was really a rabbit pulled out of a hat. just in the nick of time, too. the deed was done before anybody realised it...i was shocked too. but good game overall. even from the start the ball kept going past the touchline, which of course is more interesting to watch then it just staying within the boundaries and then your eyes start to close. *side note: [y'know, it's ironic -- when i was really into the game back in '98, and i was even one of those people worldwide who were praying fervently for brazil to win during the finals (which they didn't, and there was all that controversy about ronaldo being sick), i didn't have anyone to talk to about this worldwide passion other than my dad (blame it on an all-girls' school, strict parents and the absence of an internet-accessible pc). but now, i know so many people who have caught fussball fever and i've lost (a lot of) the passion. and don't mention 2002, with spm looming round the corner that year, d'you think my parents would ever let me watch?] 4 things...sorta 1.just took a look at a student's pictures of the new RP campus at woodlands (under july 4 post). wow, it's like so frickin' beautiful...makes me almost wish i was born a few years later so i could study there (nearer to home summore). almost. 2. about a million and one people name their blog "musings", with the latest being one of my friends. heck, even i used to name my blog that...before i found out it was the most creative thing people could come up with worldwide. either that or the "musings" spirit has been whispering that word into someone's ear all over the world. wish it'd shout out "be happy" or "carpe diem" or something like that. that would start a revolution. 3. they had this "beautiful minds" documentary on tv on sunday, and their research showed that savants, or geniuses or whatever you call them, tended to be "socially inept" and tended to be ostracised because there's a filter in their brain that blocks out stereotypes and the way normal-level humans think, and it is this filter that causes creativity, because some dr.-lecturer-savant guy explained that this is what encourages the brain to think out of the norm, and therefore something against the grain of common acceptance. they also found that with this autistic yet incredibly gifted savant nicknamed the living camera due to his area of gifting, the more he socialised or was able to fit in, it seemed like the less the power of his talent became. they also said with savants it seemed the brain was wired wrongly, as if extreme genius or talent was a result of a defect in the human brain, not an advantage. wah, if like that then i wanna keep on being weird. haha. or rather, i embrace my weirdness and accept the good side of being a social handicap. seriously, i've always wondered why everyone else seemed to be ingrained with the knowledge of house rules within the boundaries of society set before them while i, most of the time, had no clue until i made a mistake and someone picked up on it. i mean, i know i'm no savant lah, but there have been times where i was able to be more creative in certain areas...and if that "condition" truly encourages creativity, then onward march man, onward march. anyway there's always been this part of me that wants to stand out anyway, not to get attention but rather because i loathe being a clone or "just like everybody else". and yet the human need in me for "acceptance" clashes at times...and that's when there's a conflict in me. i'm not saying i will keep being rude if i'm found to be rude when honestly, i really wasn't trying to, but if somebody picks up on my weirdness again, like i said, i'll embrace it instead of ask god why my brains seem to be wired wrongly, which is what i've often asked (now i understand, and ironically that's be a good thing if i am, haha). but i agree with what my friend said, that change is inevitable and i will change anyway, whether i want to or not. another friend, chappati went even further as to say there's been a slow but marked improvement in my social behaviour through the years, and i will naturally continue to improve as time goes by. 4. there's a fourth but i think i better force myself off the comp or else i will be stuck here till sunrise.
a good laugh oh my lord. kenny sia never fails to live up to his name as the best malaysian blogger ever. his latest parody video about the recent spate of bullying-taken-on-phone-camera-and-circulated-to-local-media made me laugh out so loud and so continuously i think my parents just woke up (it's late you know). like rotfl lol wahaha hoo hoo hoo hee hee hee.see video here. thanks, kenny. i really needed that. our inhumane govt  this was the shock that greeted me when i picked up my daily papers to read yesterday afternoon (click on the picture, it'll take you to the actual size where you can zoom in). note the gruesome pool of blood where the lady is standing. looks like a mass shooting more than anything, which it was.other less detailed articles here and here. they say our country is so developed and our people are so nice and all that and yet they are so inhumane as to kill 13 innocent man's best friends whose only offences are excessive noise and stench. i mean, what if a human was making too much noise and peeing all over the place while in a drunken stupor? would he be shot dead just for that? i don't think so. while this type of dog-shooting thing is not new news, it's never been done on such a large scale at such a small time. either that or the papers have never covered it. i mean i have read with growing trepidation of the several cases that come out in the papers once in a while regarding cases where 1 or 2 dogs were shot because of minor offences such as not owning licences or making too much noise, but this really takes the cake. i mean look at all that innocent blood spilled. makes my blood boil. but seriously, i have to admit that the amount of dogs he kept was really just asking for trouble in this country (25 dogs in total) and it was inevitable something like this would happen if he continued. why? well we just have to accept the grim reality that we are living in a country where most of the population has a cultivated-through-the-generations hatred for dogs. i agree with what this guy said in the Star today regarding the matter. i know i would risk life and limb to defend my dogs if some crazy people barged into my house and tried to shoot them, and in doing so of course i would naturally "be aggressive" (tell me which dog lover in the world wouldn't). to "be aggressive" is no excuse for them to open fire, it really isn't. i mean if that guy kept 23 cats and he started "being aggressive", he wouldn't get anything even close to a shootout. i also agree with him that there is always a less painful way to die for the dogs and that the insanely beefed-up show of force was just unnecessary ("four dog shooters, two police officers, and other enforcement officers...here, we were not dealing with a gang leader harbouring some criminals but a 66-year old pet lover"). in a way the massive turnout shows the lack of understanding a lot of our population (especially one race in particular) has about dogs; in general the common misconception is that dogs are fierce and like to bite for no reason, which creates an unjustified fear of canines (when in truth, really, sometimes the people themselves instigate the aggressiveness in dogs by throwing stones and shooting postmen's elastic bands at them, all of which, my dogs have experienced). the worst and most revealing part for me though, has to be the organisation that took part with the enforcement people and allowed the shooting to happen. that the VSD would do such a thing. even our own Vet department wants to kill our animals. *shakes head* i myself have had my bad share with the VSD with whatever few and far between times i went to do checkups of my dogs there. the last time i was there with my old dog (now deceased, god bless her soul) daisy and they found that she had a mild case of mangy, guess what's the vet's advice was: "put her to sleep." such is their lackadaisical (no pun intended) attitude that you even question why they ever became vets at all (or was it only for the cats? i wonder). but at the end of the day, knowing this is reality, i really thank god for the protective hand He's put over my current dogs and i thank god my furry best friends are alive and well today, though lately we've been having strange people eyeing our house lately looking like they want to break in. but i am grateful that we have a God watching over us and knowing that makes me sleep in peace (excluding other insomnia-causing factors la). |
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