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read between the lines
the female species i am disturbed. some times i am so ashamed of my own species...sigh. how many times have i lost trust in women because they cannot cannot cannot stop bitching / gossiping. i guess it is just their innate tendency to do that, most of them.yes, so you dear sisters reading this who are bosom buddies of mine, you are rare jewels in my eyes, or anybody's eyes, for that matter. i shall not say more or else i will kick up a storm...and yet i know i must forgive a woman every time she betrays me. exhale...inhale...okay. i am supposed to be studying for my one and only exam but i can't seem to settle down till i get this off my chest. what triggered this off again was, yes, another....[refrain, jessica, refrain]...female. but then again it wouldn't exactly be grammatically wrong to call a person who bitches a *toot*, right? just like how a person who gossips is a gossip. or gossiper for some cases. anyway i guess i should get over the shock trauma and stop being so appalled everytime a female does this because i should know well enough by now that it is a norm. but i don't know why sometimes i act as if this is the first time i'm hearing this. except in this case it is, one particular aspect of it. the fact that she is 30. i guess that should be no surprise right, judging from sex and the city, if it is to be accepted as truth...but usually i get screwed over by people around my age, not so much older (typical ah sohs don't count because that is their pastime). but oh well. guess there's always a first for everything. i really do believe the saying that whatever gossip that's flying around will eventually reach your ears, no matter how late it is. who knows maybe it's a way of god revealing the truth to you about your fellow sister. haha. but that's not the main point. the thing that really gets me disturbed is the fact that her lie (which, okay, in her defence might seem to be the truth to her since she does not know me well) got spread so widely in her workplace, that it has not only people in her workplace who know about me having wrong impressions of me (that's normal, that's to be expected), but it has actually caused someone who was supposed to evaluate me for a very important matter give a negative and untrue grading about me. that's what agitates me. okay i think enough has been said, and enough hot air has been blown out. with that said, i shall now try to return to my studying. the puppy what if...one day you stopped by a pet shop and saw the cutest puppy ever? and you walked in and asked the shopkeeper if you could play with it and you found it responded to you very well?and what if it really seemed to have just about everything you could ever want or expect in a puppy, from the shiny brown fur coat right down to its personality? and what if you decided to visit it often, stopping by the shop at least once every week just so you could play with it? and what if finally, you decided you really wanted the puppy and you went up to the shopkeeper that day and asked if you could buy it...and quite unexpectedly, the shopkeeper says, "no, the puppy is not for sale", and asks you to turn around and leave? "that puppy is reserved for someone else..try coming back next time," he says. but what then, if you start to find it hard to accept? what do you do? prayer needed just wanna say, to those who are reading, if you can spare a prayer for my church pastor. his previous ailment, which i mentioned some weeks ago, recurred. his still unknown illness. and apparently this time it's hitting him hard.according to one of our older pastors, he's so weak they can barely feel his pulse when they check his wrist. and he tires easily when he walks so he's mostly in bed. he will be transferred to tan tock seng hospital on tuesday early morning for them to do a biopsy on his leg and try to figure out what is wrong with him. he's been to so many doctors already and still they cannot determine the source. to make matters worse, his wife had a fall yesterday and fractured her pelvis. so prayers are needed for her too, that she will be well enough to get up and follow her husband over to singapore on tuesday to be by his side. it's so serious (i mean pastor's illness) that the deacon's court is going to have a major prayer and fasting session tomorrow. and a few of our members are going to pray corporately at various house gatherings. i will do my part too, even though i will not be free to attend. it's a shock to me and many others i guess, cos i thought he'd always live to be beyond a hundred. i still do. he has never been warded at a hospital before this phantom sickness came along. a thought ran through my head today that this could be a spiritual attack. so pray against that too. thanks if you're reading this. desperate bleedcut till it hurts soul split open numb to the sting tears in the eyes. "You know ah, you are actually very blessed lei. get to go through so many sufferings...sure abundant fruits at the end wan." oh really? well feel free to have them whole cos i don't need any of them. i don't want any of them. you can have all the sufferings you want -- go ahead and take my share. i'm hurting and it's hard to do what a person's gotta do. just because i know what's wrong with me doesn't mean the problem's solved. will i do you proud lord? will you be proud of me in the end? how badly would i have failed you? and how many times would i have let the self take over? i know the fruits will come. i know. i believe in Your promises. but i...i just hate the transition time. i feel at times like i can't do it. like i just can't win. or overcome like You asked me to. and my patience is like, so thin. Your strength right? You will win the battle for me right? but what do i do while waiting for You to close the chapter? You put all these feelings in me and they're like poison to my soul. Jesus, come, come heal my hurts. heal my heart and restore me. i can't see the end of the tunnel. i don't know how long i can go on. and sometimes it seems such a lonely road even though i know you're there somewhere in the dark. reach for my hand, lord, cos i'm scared and i need You to go through it with me. reach for me lord, i keep losing grip. wipe away my tears and be everything that i need You to be. "Help me to see Everything fall into place Wake me from dreaming No more deceiving Break these chains..." - Free, Corrinne May
singaporeanised it's official..jusco in tebrau city has become singaporeanised. i only just found out 'cause i only just went. took advantage of the "opportune moment" during saturday's chingay to avoid the crowd and go up to tebrau city when everyone was busy rushing down to town. it's supposed to be the biggest shopping mall in the south (as in down south of the peninsula here).the first thing i thought of when i went up the escalator from the basement was, this is not jb. i saw so many singapore brands and brands you'd usually find in singapore (or kl), but not jb. saw breadtalk (what happened to our season's? at least lavender was there), yamaha music school (there's a lovely mellow piano there i'd like to buy if i had the dough), etc. the rest of the retail shops were mostly the high-end stuff you'd usually find in orchard -- i didn't really bother with the names since i'm not into shopping. even the eateries were super expensive...most of them. they looked more like one of those expat hangouts in sg. even the harris bookstore (the largest i've seen in jb, and it looks big enough to compare to the mega-bookstores in sg) looked faintly like a copycat of kinokuniya sg, from the kids' reading area right down to the glass display thingys they have just opposite the paying counter). and then i go up and see...tgv cinema. what comes to mind? the gv cinemas in singapore. there has never been a tgv in jb before. and they were showing fun with dick and jane at regular intervals, while the rest of the cinemas here don't even screen it at all. which means i get to save my money and need not go over to singapore to watch for twice the price. admittedly, the tickets there were pricier than usual. but still cheaper than sg, though. and guess what, they have a free shuttle bus from city square to the place, which is pretty far in (and therefore pretty costly) if you were to take a cab. convenient or what? --i found out later that the bus only comes on weekends. and tgv isn't as expensive as the people in the forum said (see link above).-- holding on this song makes me cry.Everything In Its Time by CORRINNE MAY Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead How long till my hunger is fed They say it's hard to make it in this part of town So many people on this merry-go-round Some folks try astrology Some turn to crystal balls To find an answer, To get through it all I just fall on my knees and I try to pray In the silence I can hear Him say The river runs and the river hides Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come Hold on to patience and watch for the sign Everything in its time I often feel like I'm two steps behind Somebody must have moved that finish line There are a thousand reasons Why I should give up But I'm stubborn in the things I believe The river runs and the river hides Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come Hold on to patience and watch for the sign 'cause maybe there's another plan One I still can't see A little surprise, like your love in my life Funny how time changes how we see There are a thousand reasons Why I should give up But I'm stubborn in the things I believe The river runs and the river hides Out to the ocean and under the sky I promise you, the answer will come Hold on to patience and watch for the sign Everything in its time Everything in its time keeping mum Valentine's is a day just to torture single souls like me...thank god i don't feel that way this year. haha. really, i'm serious! but the phrase just popped into mind and it sounded catchy so i thought i'd just write it down... i actually had an earlier post about how good the movie keeping mum was (it was really worth more than my 6 ringgit today, that's how good it was), but my computer shut down for some unexplainable reason and blogger apparently doesn't know how to autosave. even the "recover post" button at the top fails to bring up anything. so i'll keep it short (or shorter) since i've lost the energy and time to write it all out again. i liked keeping mum because it had the sort of dry british humour that i appreciated (which few asians do, sadly). in fact the plot of the story itself, right down to the ending, was based on that type of humour. even the music joined in to add to it. they had this weird, uppity kind of orchestra-based music whenever dame maggie smith's character (the key character in the whole movie) entered the scene. it was 'weird' because the music sounded like an "everything's all right" kind, when actually everytime it was playing we, the audience, knew something was amiss. very amusing. haha. and the actors were all brilliant. credit goes to the casting director who managed to find such appropriate talents that could fit into their roles like gloves. as in, everyone was very convincing, whatever character they were playing, right down to their looks and the type of clothes they were dressed in. and i liked the backdrop of true british countryside, small-town culture. points of note: it was first time i saw mr. bean, oops, i mean rowan atkinson, sleeping with a woman! haha. previously i've only seen him in black adder, mr. bean and love actually and he was always kind of asexual in those shows. even in mr. bean in one of the episodes where he had a girlfriend, he didn't exactly have the libido for it, haha. patrick swayze really nailed it as the dirty (read: perverted) old american haha. and mr. brown was really your typical old geezer, really convincing though his role was small. ditto for mrs. goodfellow and her "flower arrangements committee" woes. haha. kristin scott thomas shocked me with her hairdo and knitted clothing too. she's usually not like that. but my favourite has to be dame maggie smith. she was definitely convincing as grace hawkins through and through. and this was the first time i've seen her as someone other than minerva mcgonagall from harry potter. this time her character had so much more depth to it and she played it well. godspeak actually i don't know how today was supposed to be. all i know is it ended abruptly cos all my mind was thinking the whole day was "assignment, assignment, assignment!" so i didn't really have time to breathe until it was all over. am so glad it's over and i can now wash my hands clean of it....or maybe not. but until then i'm cool.anyway i ended up breaking the record for sleeping time today by half an hour. first time in my life i have ever gone to bed at 10.30a.m. and the record before this was also during this semester, which shows how hectic it can be at certain points. doing quiet time at such a late hour in the morning was really weird. (cos one of my designated quiet times tends to be just before bedtime.) anyway like i was saying, i really had no inkling of what would have happened to me had i not gone, quite unexpectedly (and strongly disguised as chance when this was all actually pre-planned by god) to see corrinne may perform tonight. nothing moves me more than music, what more the piano, and to hear her sing unplugged with those soothing string arrangements was pure aural bliss. she is every bit as good as my friends have been saying she is. but what moved me the most was when it touched my heart. i was truly ministered by her songs. "shelter" was almost like a personal letter from god. that was the only song that actually moved me to tears (but of course i tahaned a bit la, me being the stiff-necked, don't-wanna-make-a-scene kinda person i am). it was as good as an evangelistic concert. god definitely spoke through the songs. was really glad that the first 3 songs she started off with, "save me", "superhero" and "angels", were songs i had heard before, so it wasn't so awkward and stuff. in terms of the music alone, i'd say i love "free" the most, especially the part where the string instrument (sorry but i forgot my music theory so i don't know what that thing's called) dips up 3 consecutive ascending notes. i can't remember all the names of the songs, but i was familiar with some of them along the way (like "let it go" and others), so it wasn't totally alien to me. and i liked her ending song (the one before her encore) about being bold enough to evangelise. and it wasn't just the songs that ministered. i won't say much other than the uncanny (but then again, is it really that uncanny since i know it's god?) fact that the issue of being torn down to rise again was brought up, albeit in a slightly different analogy. that was kind of a double confirmation for me. was glad i came. just as strongly as i felt that i shouldn't have been there when i stepped into church yesterday (and i was right), i felt that i was definitely meant to be there tonight. lazy ass basket...i really hate my group man. if it's not mr. excuses it's mr. lazy. mr. lazy is perfectly fine when we meet up for meetings, but whenever it's take-home assignments he never does them. not even for the final leg..sigh.asked him to do one final thing since friday, he became like mr. excuses. "i'll send you the clock on friday, promise." a******. saturday nite also same thing. today? he didn't even do the thing yet. grrrr...make him do, he came up with them finally by 4am. i had no time to check cos i was doing the other bits of the assignment, but after i printed out n everything, i just realised his clocks have very major errors, which means i can't even use them. and thank him for saving all his stupid pictures in gif format instead of jpeg, cos editing is practically impossible since the color scheme is very limited and our clock needs various colors. and what time is it now? past sunrise. fantastic, lah, my group. fan-tas-tic. and all this working like a dog and taking on the extra workload, just to pull up my grades. sigh. it's a good thing i'm graduating after all.
the "pak-tor" god quite an interesting read here. is joshua harris' book really that good? and anyway he totally let me down when he wrote boy meets girl cos he was like the model icon for all christian singles alike...and then he went and found a girl..and even married her. ohh. all hope is gone. (haha, i'm just joking only la.)but i'm serious about the question. is his book really that life-changing? someone please lend me a copy if you have it... just wanted to type this post since valentine's is nearing. ah the day of commercialism. where people give plastic cards to plastic hearts and sing the praises of unrealistic chick lit books that hold nothing but empty answers to the true meaning of love. lucky (or blessed, should i say) for me, the pursuit of romantic love is not really what i'm after right now. i'm still looking for the fellowship love..it is somewhat asexual but way better and more long-lasting than the former. the "i'm okay with you and i accept you for who you are, sins, eccentricities and all" love. otherwise known as agape. Agape -- present in the hearts of some people, but its most potent form can be found in the Almighty God. described as unconditional love, love that transcends all boundaries or points of discrimination like gender, race, age, personality and others. its recipients vary from the punk rockers to the holy molies. however, one common denominator denotes recipients who acknowledge agape: Jesus Christ.
needs Lonely Nationby SWITCHFOOT She turns like the ocean She tells no emotion She's been gunning down the fight She's reminiscing Blood, sweat and one thing's missing She's been breaking up inside, inside Singing without tongues screaming without lungs I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation Desperate we are young Separate we are one I want more than my desperation I want more than my lonely nation We are the target market We set the corporate target We are slaves of what we want We're just numb and amused and We're just used to bad news and We are slaves of what we want Singing without tongues screaming without lungs I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation Desperate we are young Separate we are one I want more than my desperation I want more than my lonely nation Lonely, lonely Don't leave me hollow I'm tired Don't leave me hollow I'm tired of feeling low, of feeling hollow I'm tired of feeling low, of feeling hollow I'm tired of feeling low, of feeling hollow Of feeling hollow, feeling hollow Singing without tongues screaming without lungs I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation Desperate we are young Separate we are one I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation I want more than my lonely nation -- "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Over the course our time on the road as a band I have met so many amazing, beautiful, desperate, lonely people. We are the lonely nation. We are the disenchanted, the disillusioned- we are the remnant of lonely souls wanting more than anything that we can buy with this cold, hard cash. I wrote this song while we were playing a stretch of rock radio shows. I'd walk around near the back and just breathe in the loneliness- masses of lonely, scared kids. I remember thinking about the irony. Here you have this connected generation of online communities, IM, TM, myspace, and cell phones that grows more and more lonely every day. This is a song is still yearning, saying, "Don't settle, please, don't give up. Fight for only the true and the beautiful!" i was thinking about the fact that we are nothing in our own strength and only god can change a person. if that is so, what are our efforts during the struggle for, and if our efforts are supposed to be coupled with god's (as in my will* + His power) then why does he take such a long time to work the change? [*my will as in i have to be willing to let god change me] and then we go back to "god has his own timing". and so he does. me, i just have to be patient and wait upon the Lord for my eyes to be opened and my heart to be healed. i chose the song above because it reflects a huge part of what i am, or what anyone else is for that matter (it's just to different extents i guess). but for me, i was given this portion. somehow or other, god meant it for me to go through the experiences that i did and the resulting mould it had on my personality and my life. and somehow or other i just have to believe by faith it is all there for a reason. my propensity for loneliness, and my undying need to feel loved and accepted. i see it reflected in some of the things i have touched in this life. to say i have never felt loved and accepted by god would be a lie right to His face, total blasphemy. that would be equivalent to denying that i am a christian, for god is love and true christians would have definitely felt His love, starting with His one act of dying on the cross. this idea of missing out on His love what some people have proposed. but i choose to disagree. i have felt His love and acceptance, enough to be satisfied, at some points in my life. it is at the very root of why i still believe. however, that has not been consistently so. and now is one of those moments when i'm not really feeling it. and yet i know only god holds the key. fox mulder's poster (if you remember the x-files) in his office comes to mind: "i want to believe". believe in what? believe in His promises. actually come to think of it, right now i'm not exactly feeling lonely. it's more like...i have this incurable, constant, undying need to be loved and accepted for who i am. i hate it when the church youth ignore me. i hate the rumours they spread about me and the false, negative judgement some of them pass on me, simply because they don't understand me and they don't get how my mind works. yes. i'm still going on about that. and i'm wondering whether it's me that needs to change, or the type of youth service i go to that needs to change. under construction i recall a brief but thought-provoking part of my conversation with a lecturer when we were wrapping up. i was telling said lecturer about how i hate going home because my family's so hard to face and how the renovation/construction is just making it hell for us, and how it doesn't help that my own personal life is upside down and how that's like a double blow for me, etc.said lecturer turned to me, and matter-of-factly, said, "look at it this way. maybe your life is like the construction, where some things have to be torn down before they can be rebuilt into something better." the words in italic were said lecturer's words, verbatim. i know, because ever since that day those words have never left me. by the way, said lecturer is a christian too so the context in which said lecturer mentioned it was also the biblical context in which i was looking at it in. and i do believe it was god speaking to me through this human channel of His. though this happened some time ago, it stuck in my mind, reappearing here and there in the frays of time. and tonight i thought of it.
in circles we carry this cross and oh such a burden it is to us.no! we should be proud to take part in christ's sufferings, because we will then glory in his glory too...but aih. focusing fully on eternal goals is hard to take in for a grounded-on-earth person. i had some distractions, but they all must fade because there is only so much distraction that god can allow. eventually...the laughter and the noise dies down and all i hear is...silence. not the tranquil kind, but the still, cold, empty silence. and then a wave of beguiling thoughts storm my mind. i have the bible with me. i have prayer as a weapon. and yet it is not instant, the help. it is gradual and sometimes i cannot wait for caterpillar to become butterfly. so instead i try to skip 4 levels and go to the final stage. and it is all futile for whatever success i have achieved or grabbed hold of is fleeting. i see it is an everyday battle. and no, i cannot bank in on yesterday's grace because my account is empty once again today. one pertinent question enters my mind constantly: how to solve? and i know i cannot answer that myself because only god will show me...in his own time. and it sucks to know that, at the end of the day, i have to do this myself. well, not of my own strength la (okla credit goes to my friend for pointing that out, so dun scold me :p), but i still have to make the decision to stick through this and sit this out. ultimately it's still my choice to make and i still have to find the will inside of me to say yes. no one else can help me or take this step of faith for me. but sometimes the whole process just wearies me. and i know that once this problem gets solved, another is on the waiting list. and another, and another and another...right until i die. we're so selfish, all of us. i know i'm not the only one. by nature, we want / would love to be where we were at our happiest moments, our greatest triumphs, our clearest skies. but no, we must move on whether we want to or not. for perfection will not stop its work until it becomes perfect at what it is doing, since it is a perfectionist after all. god wants the best for us. okay, and for me too. but meanwhile he gives us goggles more suited for life here on earth instead of the vision to see farther than the lives we're living. i am naturally not programmed to think and act with that far a future in mind (the future of heaven and christ's second coming i mean). and when i try to do what is not natural to me, it is hard. because it doesn't come naturally. so it is supernatural, like this steven curtis chapman song says ('only natural'). whoopee. i should be glad right? i should be like so glad that i've got the mighty, awesome power of god over me at work in my sufferings and i should boast of them and say i am strongest when i am weak. (right?) but i am not. (not boasting i mean.) instead, i have a puny voice inside of my head asking me how long this is going to take and am i going to remain single forever and is all this really wrong in the first place. definition is another confusing part. the more i think about it and try to define it, the more confused i get. and so eventually, by logical deduction, my most sure answers should be right at the beginning when i am least confused. and so i stick with that, and what god prompts me to lean towards. god.love.friend. thank You God, for loving me.(side note: haha. it reminds me of aerosmith's song.) today's holy communion was made more meaningful (than usual la, not that i've never had meaningful ones before) with the added recollection of yesterday's events, which was a reminder of events of other yesterdays if you get what i mean. i think it was good i came for delirious? yesterday. i wasn't really a fan of them, but i'm glad i came anyway. because i think it's somewhat renewed my soul. not just the worship itself, but the personal events that unfolded during the thing. and i could tell, because surprisingly i did not fall into the pits of depression when i went about the day, doing the things i usually do that run the risk of leading me to it. (side note: even the fact that martin smith, whom i saw for the first time, looked somewhat hot for a guy did not distract me from my time with god.) on hindsight, it was not surprising that the song what a friend i've found pricked my heart the most. somewhere around this year i came to the realisation that it only takes certain key words, words that are linked to issues close to my heart, to trigger tears in my eyes. which kind of surprised me, but it made me realise these issues, or topics, or whatever you call them, have never really left me. some of those key words came out in the lyrics to that song. no prizes for guessing which words. it made me reflect on what a friend is to me, in general. and how jesus is the greatest friend of all, even though he's this big, powerful king and all. What A Friend I've Found by DELIRIOUS? What a friend I've found Closer than a brother I have felt your touch More intimate than lovers Jesus, Jesus Jesus, friend forever What a hope I've found More faithful than a mother It would break my heart To ever lose each other Jesus, Jesus Jesus, friend forever yesterday also brought up the recurring issue of anger. i did not realise how anger-prone i still am until i was told yesterday. and then the things that happened on the journey home and my eventual outburst of shouts with my mother today made me realise that is an issue i still have not totally dealt with. or have not handed over the full rights to god yet. it's pointless saying what was the main cause of my eventual outburst, but all i know is i tahaned and tahaned until i just couldn't stand it anymore. or so i thought. in reflection it was actually because i lost control of the car of my life i was driving. what happened today, with the added remembrance of the fact that i still cannot control my anger at times as previously thought, made me realise the struggle to get along with my parents is a daily thing. i tend to forget sometimes and lose it when i let down my guard. when i lose focus of the fact that i am supposed to surrender ALL my anger, hidden hurts and feelings oppression / injustice to jesus and not leave any behind. and when i lose focus of that, i start to look out for me and my best interests when dealing with my parents as opposed to theirs as well. but whatever i have done, i am glad i can rest in the knowledge that You love me no matter what. and i am so glad i can finally say it and mean it because it has been some time since i've been able to believe that and look beyond the lie that our god only loves us as much as we do. god imposed on my mind today that if that were so, he would not be faithful 24/7 and he would have failed me many a time as i have done. and even if my love was unfailing and only my very best efforts prevailed, all my love cannot save anyone. not even myself. that and his forever faithful friendship made holy communion today a special one to acknowledge. Five Candles (You Were There) by JARS OF CLAY A promise or a dare I would jump if I knew you'd catch me Staring over the edge I can't tell if you'll be here for me I close my eyes and make a wish Turn out the lights and take a breath Pray that when the wick is burned You would say that it's all about love You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open But you were never here I remember you said Love was more than your good intentions Empty boxes on the floor Things I never asked you for I pray that when the wick is burned You would say that it's all about love You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open I can't see the promise of Excuses you fall upon I pray to God not holding on To things you've left undone You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I needed you You were there when the skies broke wide, wide open You were there when I You were there when I You were there when I needed you little things if only life could be so comfort zone-ish like that all the time. it was surprisingly warm and reassuring at the gathering tonight. and the funny thing is, my clique wasn't even there and yet i was able to clique. that was the really amazing and yet pleasantly surprising thing. cos it usually doesn't go that way.i see it as a form of comfort god provides while in waiting for the flowers to bloom. it's little things like these that let me know He's there. to others, it, or other "little events" in my life might mean nothing, but to me, they're significant enough for me to feel heartened and touched. touched that He loves me and His love, shown through orchestrating these events, comforts me. i need You Your retreat was not enough on wednesday. i want more. more of You and more of hiding.You calm my soul. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength..." -- Isaiah 30:15 in quietness and trust, in quietness and trust....okay, alright, i will trust in You then. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. -- Psalm 27:14 so wait for You i will, wait for You i will... with blurry-eyed, tear-stained vision i wait for You to renew me....
masked Sad Clownby JARS OF CLAY Say how's the weather? So I look out the window To brighten my soul, but I can't control the rain that keeps falling Smile on the outside that never comes in A comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy So I scream, "let the show begin" You break me open Turn on the light Stumble inside with me, with me Do I entertain you? Do I preoccupy you with my wit to cover this lie? Are you mesmerized? Do you think me faithful, do you think me a clown? I picked out this shirt, I put on this hat I wore all this paint just for you You break me open Turn on the light Stumble inside with me, with me -- was i happy? yes. was i actually happy? no. it's not that i lied, i just didn't show it. no, actually someone who knew me well would've known. sometimes songs say it best. Finding Me by VERTICAL HORIZON I don't think you notice When you see my face I guess you're waiting To spin me around again Wheels I guess are turning Somewhere inside my head I know that this is Deeper than you get But you're coming back again You don't mean to waste my time But you're coming back so Don't tell me How to be 'Cause I like some suffering Don't ask me What I need I'm just fine here Finding me, me I've already given up on getting through I never question Who I'm talking to Oh, so much for nothing But nothing means so much I know it's touching But I've been out of touch And it's all that I can do I'm a sight for my sore eyes But it's all I am so Don't tell me How to be 'Cause I like some suffering Don't ask me What I need I'm just fine here Finding me, me I don't think you notice When I can't reach out I guess you're waiting On somebody else again Oh, so much for talking It's all been said before I'm hearing something but I wish you'd just say more But you're going off again When I try to just hold on But you're going off so Don't tell me How to be 'Cause I like some suffering Don't ask me What I need I'm just fine here Finding me, me
excuse me, mister mr. excuses came up with more excuses this week. yesterday it was: we don't have school so i don't wanna come just for this. (come on, we're going to graduate in 2 weeks' time and you're too lazy to give the last leg your best? yeah, never mind the fact that you have already got higher marks in your belt, i'm like nearly failing because my previous group was even worse than this and i need the marks to pull me up badly!)today, it was: i'm sick today so i'm not going. sigh. i throw my hands up in the air. what will it be tomorrow, i fell down the toilet bowl? i had food poisoning? i don't feel like coming to school? i wanna fail our presentation next week so i'm so slack about it cos i don't care? i hate this kind of lackadaisical attitude when it comes to work... like as though i am so free that i have nothing better to do than sit around and waaaait until he comes to his senses and decides to pull a last-minute stunt like all the rest the day before. seriously, it's like i'm so free that i have no other projects to hand up the very same week and time isn't so precious to me. i think i better not say any more. or it won't be very erm, appropriate. p.s. p.s. the stuck nose is gone. praise god! and we had reunion dinner today...and a surprisingly tasty ye sang. and i went for a relative's birthday party yesterday, so it wasn't as boring as expected.and the thing about sunsets and stargazing...that's a whole new topic in itself. i could talk about that for paragraphs (i was going to say hours but that's not exactly true). it is quite something to see something so spectacular in the sky that it just blanks out your mind and the only thing you can do is stand in awe at both the creation and the creator. i'll save that for another time if i remember.
time alone been reflecting on more memories lately. realise a lot more bad memories pop up of my parents than do good ones. realise some people fade away as friends as quickly as the grass withers. realise i've been going on and on about the same agenda, coupled with more or less the same attitude, for quite one week plus (max two) already. i need a reformation.it's definitely time for a change. i have been longing and longing for the one thing which i have been deprived of for so long already -- time away with god. hopefully, if all goes well according to plan, i might just finally do that tomorrow. some people don't get it when i say i need time alone. no, scrap that, i should say, most people (including my parents). guess cos they don't get what time alone means to me. so to clear the air, i will mention a bit of what i do in so-called "time-outs" on my own: talk to god. a lot. journal. muse. reflect on events worth reflecting on. recollect my thoughts. look at the scenery / environment. (hence why i like sunsets and stargazing) if it hasn't already been emphasised enough (haha), the bulk of my quiet time goes to conversations with god. yes, i have my own version, but then again, so does everyone else. which is why i need somewhere quiet. because i don't wanna be interrupted. and also cos people think i'm siao when they see what looks like a girl talking to thin air. so i've had to resort to having most conversations telepathically with god. but i am a very verbal person. i realised there actually is a difference in actually talking it out than just thinking to god. i always feel like i've managed to get more off my chest after i've verbally said it out, compared to just sending thoughtwaves. everyone has different ways of coping with stress and oncoming boulders and this is my way of dealing with them. so there. the next time i say i want to be alone, i hope you understand. (this last sentence is for those of you that don't know me so well...or for cases where somehow my explanation for solitude is so lousy that you just think i'm either nuts or i'm trying to brush you off, neither of which is true.) |
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