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read between the lines
nationwide fasting anyway, the only reason i'm still up (and ever was up to blog) is because i wanted to type my last few words in here before i take part in my country's 40-day nationwide fast and prayer! organised by NECF (national evangelical christian fellowship, this year's theme is "lighting up our nation" and it lasts from 22 july to 30 august. it's my first time taking part (another first in my swiftly but startlingly expanding list of firsts for me) and i'm feeling a little excited because the first day starts tomorrow!gonna be praying for my state, my country (whenever i think about this fast i feel so patriotic...haha), the countries listed in the booklet, my problems, my friends, my family.....and i'm gonna be fasting as well! well, not the food fast, what with my weak stomach and all (i'd probably die or give up before i let the twice-as-much-as-usual, doubly painful blow of hunger pangs hit me), but a fast from material things, one of which i've decided will be this blog. but erm...for this blog i decided i'd break after 20 days, and then decide at that point whether i should continue. because, i thought about it...and i couldn't bear the thought of having one month missing / a blank month / a white space among my list of entries when re-read my blog (which i do, for reference and counsel) in future. however, there is one thing i will be fasting on, or at least attempting to fast on, for 40 days straight....which...i hope i will be able to do. this is where i need your help (if you desire to help)....you could pray that i keep to my fast. cos sure, i've fasted before....but never for 40 days.....i think my longest was 2 weeks. besides this blog, the other few items i've decided to fast from will be shorter than 40 days as well, but i'll still continue to pray and follow through with the official prayer booklet and devotional throughout the 40 days (yeah you can pray i'll stick with my promise to pray each day for the nation). i'll also be signing up for round-the-clock prayers for my nation online (546 have joined so far) once i figure out what to commit to, so if you wish to pray once (or many times) at a certain time of the day (or days), go ahead and sign up here. actually i wanted to take part last year, but when i remembered about it, it was already midway into the 40 days, so i decided not to fast. i think i'm the only youth in my church who's going through with this nationwide thing, because no one else is game to, or has reached that stage where they seriously want to yet. initially i found it a bit sad...but now i guess everyone walks with god at different paces. some of the reasons why i want to take part in this fast is, for the first time since quite awhile, i really do feel that (through this) i'm taking part in the spiritual growth of my country. also, i feel i'm spiritually involved in interceding amongst other fellow brothers- and sisters-in-christ as one united body of christ. and also cos i felt i needed to fast for personal needs...was going to fast anyway, when news of this came along. with that said, i'd better stick to my fast and be committed in actions as much as in intentions. so yeah, this will be the last post for 20 days.....do keep me in prayer. i am aware that there will be spiritual opposition, but i know i am more than a conqueror in christ.
rude awakening so london's terrorists are at it again. just read this article on the latest bomb blasts fresh off the press. according to a hive of AP articles on Yahoo News, these 4 small blasts mimic the july-7 ones...3 on the tube and one on a bus. with one injured this time. the end gets nearer and nearer every day.on another note, i'm pretty relieved (and surprised) we wrapped up our filming for acting & directing today. yes, my ailment, though still present, remained miraculously discreet for the most part of our filming. (even now i'm still not feeling too well now as i sit here and type.) but my photojourn's still not done yet...and i haven't re-shot the second roll of film yet, cos i'm not exactly sure where to go and what to shoot yet..... and my bus pass, which has been screwed up since 1st july, still isn't working yet, which is starting to be a cause for concern. since 1st july, my pass (which used to allow me unlimited usage on buses in singapore) was suddenly rendered invalid even though that pass is supposed to last me till i end school. and since then i've had to cope with using the usual adult-fare charges, which are pretty expensive (and not to mention limited). every week i call up both the transitlink office and my school's student affairs department and every time they tell me to wait another week. it's been 3 weeks already and i've wasted nearly 70 sing dollars on transportation fees alone...that's more than what it would have cost me using the pass (52 dollars). and my mom of course, is not too pleased that we're losing money so unnecessarily like that. and i travel a lot, so i use up roughly 10 dollars in 2 days, what with the recent price hike and all. and it does get rather frustrating everytime the transitlink people direct me to their customer service where they give me a lot of sweet-talking and they can't get anything done. guess singapore's transportation system isn't so efficient after all....when i first discovered my pass was screwed, i thought, first the 170 problem and now this? cos just last month (june), my pass, for some screwy reason, refused me entry on all 170 and 160 buses (of all buses it has to be the one that takes me back to jb), which made me have to fork out extra money just to get home. but ah well. why should i worry about losing money when the One who has been providing me the money and the means to live in the first place will never fail in His provision? that thought just popped into my mind as i was thinking about the bus pass on the walk to sing customs tonight, and the minute it did it just put everything into perspective. "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"and as i recalled how god's been helping me out so much in the day's events, i had more faith that my unfinished photojourn assignment would somehow pull through and make the deadline. at least i'm hoping it will. but i admit i'm feeling less worried now, which is something i could do without, for: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6: 27) i've seen that verse so many times in the bible since i felt the first pains of youth until sometimes i get so sick of it that it loses its novelty. but it holds meaning for me now as i am brought to it again. pain, in a way, is a rude awakening. the carving tool for perfection, the catalyst for spiritual growth. not that i'll ever like pain, but yeah, i do see its benefits. was pretty surprised when the pilot episode of desperate housewives aired at 1am tonight a few hours after the O.C. (which i never fail to watch if i have nothing on) and was reminded of a quote which i find to be true (though seriously, it's a bit sexist): "Most women lead lives of quiet desperation." -- Bree, Desperate Housewives
old people god answers prayer. my chronic illness manifested itself right until this morning, subsided when i was out shooting and beleguered me when i returned. body wracked with pains. but i'm fine for now...man today's experience was quite something....now i know what it feels like to be a paparazzi! i was shooed away, shunned and nearly beaten up by old men. but i understand anyway...i mean who the heck wants to be taken photos of by some stranger? but still, i'm thankful i returned home in one piece, with my cam intact. and it didn't rain! when i was sick and in bed, the weather was just perfect...raining for hours on end....very nice and cold....free air-cond. but one thing about the sun, though. parched my lips and dehydrated my throat. became a little sick after that...but after some cooling off and a rest over at mcd's, i felt better again. and what do ya know, singapore is a small place after all. i thought i'd be lost, since i went alone, but i didn't...well, not exactly. started off at outram park mrt, passed by chinatown mrt, wanted to go back...but ended up in a very familiar place....third place. by then, my feet were starting to ache and i was panting away after walking for three hours with less than half the roll of film used...so i decided it wasn't worth it to continue. ended up taking the bus to bt panjang, where i made use of the remaining half-roll of film i had left to shoot....statues of the process of christ being crucified on the cross. yeah, i gave up on the old people...cos it's just impossibly hard to capture pain on them! they either just hate the camera or pose with smiling faces (for those that allowed me to shoot them). one interesting thing was, there was this old guy who immediately struck up a pose with two rabbit fingers in the air. reminded me of one of the kids from my mission trip...haha. as a side note, i thought rabbit fingers were only used by lame japanese-schoolgirl wannabes with short-skirted uniforms on them in their stupid pink pigtails and their "kawaii" utterances...or those 'poser' tweenage-cum-early-teenage girls and their star-sprinkled neoprints.....so euckkk (a combination of eugh and yuck, created by yours truly). but back to the old people....yeah, i did see a lot around that area....and there was this lady with an osteoporosis-ravaged back collecting and carrying cardboard boxes....my first instinct was to shoot her but i felt so bad for her that i decided to let her pass and wheel her cart away. i just felt that it was against me to invade privacy by shooting someone so forlorn like that. saw some other things as well. so, yeah, though i screwed up my assignment, i got quite an insight into the lives of old people in (singapore's) town. why wasn't i in jb? for obvious security reasons, what with the latest cases of snatch thiefs with parangs and guns fronting the headlines ever so often. and for some unexplainable reason, i feel unbelievably perky ever since i spent my evening cooling off at a place which has my favourite things all in one building. even the fact that i have yet to re-shoot another roll and process both rolls fails to dampen my mood. this is crazy this is crazy. i can't believe i'm up. i slept too much in the afternoon and now i'm paying for it. either that or the tantalising allure of the Net is keeping me. i think it's rather the latter. argh....must..force...myself...to...sleep..
what the? stuff that makes me wanna go what the ...?1) 4-car bang-up in PJ -- according to today's the Star (front-page news), 3 good samaritan malay teens tried to rescue a man who was pinned under the wreckage of his car and a Merce. in doing so, a Proton Wira slammed into them, killing one of teens and the guy who was trapped in his car. the other two teens and the driver of the Merce were seriously injured and the passenger of the Wira is now in a coma. to make matters worse, another Proton Iswara crashed into all of them. but the drivers of the last two cars (Wira and Iswara) had only outpatient treatments. no info given on how everything messed up. i mean, what were the last two drivers of the cars thinking? couldn't they see an accident in front or were they too busy speeding like people always do? 2) Jude Law apologising for affair -- according to tonight's Yahoo News, Jude Law publicly apologised (and in doing so, admitted) to his fiancee (the skimpily-dressed slut who starred opposite him in that slutty movie Alfie) for having an affair with one of his children's nanny from his previous marriage, which lasted six-plus years (before he fell into sin and ran off with his co-star after Alfie). talk about extra-marital affairs...this one is like extra-extra-marital...i mean, sure he divorced his first wife, but because he was unfaithful to her! and now he's like unfaithful to his wife-to-be....i mean, what, is his libido so high that he has to get horny on all women near him? 3) an malay associate professor rebuts a clinical psychologist and theologian's stand that homosexuals can change -- according to a neutral-opinion piece in yesterday's New Straits Times, the theologian guy, who's also the chairman of an international christian organisation which helps homosexuals change, says that it is possible for homosexuals to change through prayers, Biblical guidance and programmes, and Christian accountability partners who have been homosexuals before. he claims that tens of thousands have turned over a new leaf through this organisation (which has been running for 30 years). in response to that stand, the malay professor's rebuttal to that is, since the theologian is also a psychologist, he should know that homosexuality was removed from the DSM (diagnostic and statistical manual, which is this magazine thingy for doctors) in the 1970s. i mean, hello, the reason why homosexuality was removed was because it used to be listed as an incurable human "disorder", which had the gays and lesbians revolting, because in no way is it a disorder or its synonym, disease (it doesn't fit the descriptions of a disease). and anyway the DSM's reliability has been disputed in professional circles. it just so happens i did a 6000-worded research paper on how ADHD is really a falsely-labelled disorder (or disease) for natural naughtiness in kids, and some of the research spilled out onto other psychological disorders listed in the DSM. random thoughts harry potter and the half-prince blood came out yesterday....but once again i was unable to attend any of the book parties...all becos of parents...ah oh well....maybe i'll be able to make it for the seventh one...if my parents leave me alone by then.found a few nuggets of encouragement (indirectly from god through ppl) here and there today amidst a day where my usually-ok confidence was affected. been feeling estranged and awkward lately whenever i'm with this particular group. what i usually choose to ignore or not care about has started to stick out like a sore thumb in front of me since two weeks ago. and i don't know why but most times i look back when the door's already closed where it once opened and the only door that was never shut is jesus' on top of that i've been physically unwell since yesterday. not the usual flu (thank god!) but rather an uncommon ailment, one of discomfort and inconvenience (but then again what sickness doesn't cause that?). it makes it hard for me to get out....and when it's hard to get out, it's hard to do quiet time...because doing quiet time at home is...challenging. and i'm not just talking about my family. jesus' blood Jesus' Blood Never Failed Me Yetby JARS OF CLAY origin: some homeless man Jesus' blood never failed me yet never failed me yet never failed me yet Jesus' blood never failed me yet This one thing I know That he loves me so (loop back to Jesus' blood never failed me yet) jars of clay: we originally heard this song on a Gavin Bryars recording. it was a 72 minute loop of a homeless man singing this simple chorus over and over. the contrast of one so lowly expressing such certain and simple faith was and continues to be nothing short of astounding. the power of gavin's recording is a testimony to one of this world's most profound and sacred mysteries: though they suffer...they have joy. i was about to go into another episode of lachrymosity when this song stopped me short in my tracks. yup, have it on repeated playback now...and it really does sound like the song never ends, because it ends where it begins...it even sounds that way at the end of the track. humbling, knowing the origin from where this song existed, and also kinduva wake-up call. it's a sort of a soft lull, with unusual chord progression, the kind that evokes some kind of hard-to-describe feeling within you. i think that and the constant repetition helps in reassurance and in getting the point across....haha. but seriously. forgot the power of jesus' blood. moving to a different topic, i found a new quiet place today. it has plush red chairs (almost like the one morpheus sat in...yeah i know, me and my matrix craze), thick carpeted floor, and damn good coffee....either that or i was really thirsty today. but i think i wasn't imagining it...cos usually at other outlets like coffee bean, i need like three packets of sugar just for my latte to taste good, but this one only needed two. the brew...maybe it's a fluke, but tonight's cuppa was really good to sip on as i did my quiet time. and i really, really loved the cosy atmosphere that was the closest i've known to matching a living room (if only i had my own)....i mean what coffee house has carpeted flooring? even better, the place where i sat was hidden away by the free internet booth in front of me (free internet!). music with a mixed songlist of band music and oldies was playing from the speakers behind me, right next to a short, relatively dimmed lamp (but bright enough to read in) which emitted a warm yellow glow. man i sound like i'm publicising the place....haha. the only thing i lacked on my hands was time. ah...if only my parents weren't nagging at me to come home early. i think it was more my mom's nagging of yesterday that persistently got stuck in my ears that drove me to come home rather than their nagging today, of which i heard none at all when i returned. unfailing, redeeming restoring blood forget, how could i the power of that which Jesus shed? that you would die for one such as ingrateful as i is unfathomable grace that can never compare god is real back to reality. came back from my bath. edited my posts. com crashed twice along the way...as usual. feel there is not enough time to write a follow-up...also feel i should be doing something else right now. but found a song that relates that i just blasted on the radio. don't be fooled by the lyrics...this is heavy rock and usually i cringe when i listen to this song on normal days because it is just so loud (take it from someone who's an avid rock fan). but in a way i guess the loudness blasts the pain away. haha. and the lyrics....meaningful.Pain by GRAMMATRAIN I wish that I could say I am a perfect man I wish sometimes that I would not be who I am one day I decided I would think on this not knowing if faith and pain could co-exist could I ever on my own conceive of someone I did not know, but I need? I must be made to be at peace and communion 'cause there must be some place somehow from where I have fallen I find through every ounce of pain I feel My mind cannot deny that God is real the inconsistency of what I say I should be compared to what I am in actuallity leaves me in conclusion that I know the way though I am unable to always obey nothing in this world has satisfied my soul's hunger for a deeper life the weight of my misdeeds were crushing, blinding me I still live with pain inside but now I can see I find through every ounce of pain I feel My mind cannot deny that God is real the pieces of my life are scattered on the floor I stared at them till I could take no more I do not deserve to be set free forgiveness is what I despereately need if it wasn't for the perfect blood that was shed would I not be dead inside but I live instead I find through every ounce of pain I feel My mind cannot deny that God is real I know my faith's still here believe through all my tears
parent peeve wahahahahahahey......currently high on adrenaline, going crazy and bored out of my wits. yeah....that's my nick on msn (minus the freaky laughter)....waiting for my mom's washing machine to end its cycle so i can take the dirt tube out and bathe....yeah, bathe at 12 plus!starting to feel a bit high now and i can feel that familiar shot of...adrenaline?...kicking in....(not that i like it). argh how i deal with stress. how life is a container when you can't do what you want. how you hate your parents so much when they've denied you the one thing you've always wanted all your life: freedom from them. but that's not what's making me high.... but i guess it's a 'convenient' distraction away from what the real thorn at my side is. okay, from this point onward what i am going to write is purely a whine-and-gripe and has very little to do with true reasoning whatsoever. call it a release of my thoughts, loads, annoyance. fire through words (though this one's not as extreme as i can get). what really made me wanna throw my hands up in the air and go arghh was when i finally decided to reveal to her where i plan to be going tomorrow. i said i'm going to see a friend off at the airport. and she totally freaked out like i had just said i was going to attend a satanic cult meeting. what?? and hello, the time's not even late....and i have an express bus home after that....and that's still not enough for her?? i am so sick and tired of being banned from doing totally normal, not-breaking-the-rules things that i have seriously been factoring it into my decision post-third year as to what to do. i want my own personal freedom....i want to be able to live life and not stay in your stupid prison because I AM NOT A BABY ANYMORE..... and i look around me and i see peers my age whose parents allow them the freedom to do all these things (go out anytime and anywhere, get a driving license) and more...for goodness sake i'm hitting the the adulthood-age mark and i'm still restricted to rules more appropriate for a tweenager. i'm sick and tired of being treated like i have no life and i hate having to forgive them for giving me a miserable life as their child. i know things could be worse, but i still....detest the fact that they can't let me go, leave me be, let me live my life. there's always going to be this rift between us i feel, until the time that i finally break free of their hold. when i was 12, my parents said i could go out on my own at form 5. when i was in form 5 my parents said i could go out on my own at form 6 or after high school. high school has long come and gone and i am still not able to go out whereever i want, whenever i want. and when i ask them again now, they tell me i will only have this privilege when i am financially independent from them. sometimes i just don't know whether to believe them or not, after all those lies. i don't wanna be 40 and still have to be fricking stuck staying in this stupid humid home of mine. and i really hate it when i see this picture in my mind of myself in my early twenties, schooling in university and still having to put up with these shitty rules from them. might as well work, right? but i know that's just the anger in me talking. i'm sorry but i just can't seem to do it. i don't know how it is that a few (less than i can count on one finger) of my friends are able to just forgive their parents and tolerate these squirmish rules and somehow live with it in peace and harmony. that's just one thing i still can't see. i know god has something to do with changing me. but i still can't see that part of me actually being able to "be okay with it". i just hate being oppressed. okay. the word-bashing ends here. washing machine's finally done. can bathe. (it's 1am!) feel slightly better to have let my aggravations out. these gripings have been a lotta trash so...don't take my word for it. -btw this post has been edited. yeah it was more fiery and more ridiculous than this.- headphones to above Surrenderby GEOFF BULLOCK You're softening my heart To the knowledge of Your love And opening my eyes You light the way To love You Words alone cannot express All the hope that You have placed Within me In between each heartbeat, Lord I surrender I surrender to You I surrender to You Everything I am and ever hope to be I surrender to You You gently pick me up Wash me with your love And opening my ears You speak the Word Healing Releasing all the hurts and fears By the hope that You have placed Within me In between each heartbeat, Lord I surrender I surrender to You I surrender to You Everything I am and ever hope to be I surrender to You -- don't know how but this song suddenly came seeping into my mind as i was having quiet time with Him. haven't sung or seen this song for quite a while already. think god's trying to tell me something. surrender, perhaps? it's true i haven't exactly trusted Him with the future. i keep asking how now brown cow? i just can't seem to rest easy not knowing what to do next. while doing a word search i happened to chance upon this site and one of its webpages had this gem of a quote which opened my eyes in the light of what i'm currently dealing with (and which i truly attest to, come to think of it): "The men who have most fully illustrated Christ in their characters, and have most powerfully affected the world for Him have been men who spend so much time with God as to make it a notable feature in their lives... To be little with God is to be little for God."i confess that when things start getting good i tend to cut down on my quiet time with God, feeling more content to revel in my new-found riches and joys rather than to look to the Maker who made these things possible in the first place. not that i intentionally do so, but...it is a habit of mine, committed more often than not, even if i'm aware of it or not. so maybe this is my time again...maybe He's calling me to come back, telling me to spend more time with Him than before as of late. also found the following verses on the same page, which really pricked my heart after all my searching and probing for an answer tonight: "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -- Jeremiah 29: 13 and this, which has been ringing (albeit dully) in my ears all this while already:"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." --Matthew 6: 33 interesting feeling strong contradictions within myself about my photojournalism final project. had consultation with my lecturer today, n he asked me what i wanted to do on, and i said i was thinking of portraying the christian faith or pain visually. and somehow he ended up leading me to pain....but the problem is, he wants me to go around taking shots of old people on the streets....yeah. like they wanna be taken pictures of. like i'm not gonna get robbed or molested with an expensive camera on my neck alone in some bad section of town where old people hang out. (think chinatown or the bad hat areas in jb)but the main reason why i'm against this topic, the main splinter in my mind, was...i actually wanted to do the other choice, on hindsight. darn. me and the topic of pain on my mind...should NOT have said the word. but interesting conversation with him though. either my lecturer is intuitive, or he's just told me tonight things that people have been seeing / noticing all along but have not bothered to tell me to my face. he said... 1) he can tell i've "had a lot of misery in my life". i wonder if it had to do with me thinking of doing the subject of pain (i couldn't help it...it was on the agenda in my mind this whole time...and ever since i saw that guy with his face clasped in his hands i kept wondering if pain would be a considerable topic to shoot). 2) he can sense i have a lot of emptiness...? 3) (indirectly) that god might have let me down and i might've given up but he was wrong....because i will NEVER believe that the One whom i'm living for has ever once failed me. 4) there's definitely "something different about [me] from the rest" and he can tell through the way i express myself and my body language or something like that. 5) i must've had some pretty bad experiences because my confidence has been greatly affected. 6) other dot dot dot things 7) "i can sense a lot of anger in you" and he said i had better learn how to deal with it n how to control it or it could get out of hand....which is true, but is not visible to the general public. at least i don't think so....cos i do make the effort to at least be cordial and polite when dealing with lecturers / people of authority and such. i don't know if what my pastor said during sermon this sunday is true...that depression is "anger turned inward"....but sometimes i admit i do get pretty pissed with my 'self' (not myself, but the 'self' as in the heathen, carnal part of me) and i hate my 'self' so much while wondering what are the practical ways i can let christ take over the self and eventually infiltrate my whole being. maybe that's why he gets a lot of good photographic shots, because he's really in tune with his intuition....if that's correct. but after hearing the stuff he told me today that revealed bits of myself to me, i feel exactly like how i felt like after taking, those useless personality tests and "what character /object are you?" quizzes eons ago: so what? i mean, okay, initially i felt like the people who keep taking these pathetic tests...in the sense that oh, here's something that i can relate to, and oh, these tests can see right through me and reveal me so much....but then, after countless tries....you start to think....so what's the point? big deal that these tests can tell me a lot about myself...but these are things which i already know. they don't tell me what to do or where to go from here and they don't get me anywhere. still, it was quite a surprise, getting a "crystal ball" gaze into my life from someone who has no clue what i do with my life or where i've been these days. but it doesn't solve my problem which i mentioned at the top: how in the world am i going to work on my final project and am i going to do something about the fact that i'd rather shoot faith in christianity than pain in old people? even so when i thought of pain, i wasn't thinking of old people. but shoot me for not opening my mouth and saying what i really thought. argh. releasing empty talk wednesday someone totally pissed me off and i remember going ballistic, berating myself terribly once she finally left....i remember waking up the next day and having that bludgeoned knife of anger within me, wondering how in the world i was going to forgive her with such anger and hatred in my heart. but god's plans for me that thursday released me from this force: the acting & directing exercise in which i was told to play the role of a rage-driven character allowed me to let out a lot of pent-up frustration...and surprisingly ever since then i don't feel one bit resentful towards her. but liking her is another thing.the london bomb blasts came and went...thank god my friends over there were all safe...and thursday night i came across the blog of someone i know whose contents in reference to me really irked me and affected our relations the next day...like i said, you know how one blog leads to another which leads to another? so i was looking around, clicking on a link to a link to a link, when i found her blog...and her entry and what she wrote...or rather what she didn't write...about me. it's like i was literally invisible to her. for all her strivings to be "united in christ", i never expected her to be that cold. i don't even have something against her. but ah well. people like that do exist. all i know is i had no mood to say hi to her when i saw her the next night...and i still have no mood to. i'm not really feeling in a rage at her right now, but it's sort of...a feeling of i-don't-know-what-to-say. and oh wait. let's not forget the fight with my parents on saturday when my quiet time of solitude with god compromised my parents' need to keep me in a cage and lock me up for the rest of my life. i still don't get them and i never will...i just don't have the patience to tahankan them and try to understand them like some Freudian psychologist who uses reasoning to rationalise people's actions. i mean, i understand their fears and over-the-top concerns for my safety, but i still cannot and will not agree with how they choose to go about addressing these fears. my mother especially, can be very conservative in her thinking...until sometimes i just cannot understand why her heart is so closed towards certain matters. she used to think all rock music was satanic...thank god i managed to change her opinion on that (with the help of the holy spirit). but there's a lot of other things she's unnecessarily against. and if there's one thing i really really detest from anybody, it's the feeling of being opressed...of being prevented from one's freedom. i still don't know when my parents will ever let me go...but all i know is they're making it extremely hard for me to enjoy being their child by putting all kinds of restrictions on me which are better meant for five-year-olds. and while i was wallowing in my weaknesses earlier in the bath, it occured to me that by right, one's parents should know what their child is going through (in life). it is a very sad thing that i cannot tell my parents what really goes on in my life. the last time i was truly honest with my parents was when i was twelve...and what an adverse effect it was. they betrayed me in and out, made fun of me, criticised me and chastised me for "being like that". and all attempts after that to get them to at least stop rubbing it in when i tell them about my life have failed. and they expect me to be open with them so that they can trust me enough to let me live my own life. ah. i realised i could go on and on, ranting till thy kingdom come about how this house is a prison and my parents are over-protective, and how my yf can be really unfriendly when they start to clique up and leave no space for awkward newcomers or people who don't belong to their prototype of what's "in", and how life is crappy because i'm trying so hard to rid myself of the old me but progress is frustratingly slow......but it's not gonna solve anything. parousia's satisfied provides the answer that should be coming out of me....that i should be content for i have all i need in god....but right now i'm not there yet. i'm striving to see it that way...especially in the area i'm struggling with....but perfection has not been completed in me yet.
back from reprieve Floodby JARS OF CLAY Rain, rain on my face It hasn't stopped raining for days My world is a flood Slowly I become one with the mud But if I can't swim after forty days And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves Lift me up so high that I cannot fall Lift me up Lift me up - when I'm falling Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying Lift me up - I need You to hold me Lift me up - keep me from drowning again Downpour on my soul Splashing in the ocean, I'm losing control Dark sky all around I can't feel my feet touching the ground But if I can't swim after forty days And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves Lift me up so high that I cannot fall Lift me up Calm the storms that drench my eyes Dry the streams still flowing Cast down all waves of sin And guilt that overthrow me But if I can't swim after forty days And my mind is crushed by the thrashing waves Lift me up so high that I cannot fall Lift me up Lift me up - when I'm falling Lift me up - I'm weak and I'm dying Lift me up - I need You to hold me Lift me up - keep me from drowning again -- i love live 8's version of this song. their guitar-stringed version of the intermission part is practically plucking on my heartstrings...sounds old world, rustic, rather nostalgic...hooks me right into it. yes, lord, i need you. these past seven days of hiding has been quite an eye-opener. i'm thinking of extending those seven days...sans the fasting. seen a lot, learnt a lot. and learnt that i've still much more to go. did i at least reach my goals at the end of this time? yes and no. i got the answer from god, which was ...wait.....which is something i kinda expected anyway, but it isn't exactly clear to me as to how i should go about handling or coping with it while i'm waiting. and that is what i intend to find out over the next few days... got a few rants to clear off...just to let out some steam...so will put that in a new post. i suppose it provides a comfortable distraction from the present state of matters, of which i have no control over. not that i ever did rule my life, but things did have some kind of order to it before i got messed up. pain part 2 very introspective. very thoughful. very broken.can probably put that in my friendster profile. wry laugh. i've no more tears to cry now. feeling haggard. i've got a paper to compile and pass over to my friend to complete tomoro and i'm not done yet. what a nite to be wretched. father, forgive me. i feel so sinful for falling short of what you want me to be, failing in the same old things. i don't understand, father, i don't understand....or at least i only know enough for it to hurt...my wisdom is short-sighted. i never thought i'd understand this song (below), but i totally do tonight. this is me, raw and open. i'm not gonna bother to edit it or put on some tatemae because right now i'm just too mentally tired to do that. as of today, i will be halting all postings here for this week. i think i might blog, but it'll be in the other private one, and much more in the tangible journal. yup, going back to my old ways. i'm gonna extricate myself from the outside world just for this week and go into hiding for one week...and hopefully i'll see what god wants me to see and i'll come out of it stronger. so i think coffee houses will be the norm again, among other places of solitude. if you want to, pray for me. Don't Be There by SWITCHFOOT Don't be there 'Cause I'm on my way And I'm already gone over And I'm on my way I can't recall myself How I went down Did I get shot or Shoot myself I'm down here And you're way up there But that doesn't hurt badly But it stings right here And I won't pretend there's nothing there You be around and I'll be square Don't be alarmed if I'm not there You be around and I'll be square If you're a rose Then I'm the thorn That's in your side And does it hurt badly 'Cause it burns right here I can't recall myself How I went down Did I get shot or Shoot myself I'd like to say hello I'd like to say I care I'd like to let you know That nothing here's the Same with me Nothing here's the same I can't recall myself How I went down Did I get shot or Shoot myself Don't be around Don't be there hide "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest-- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." -- Psalm 55: 6-8 finally came across that verse in my "sanctuary" time today. last time i saw it was during the last 'dark age' of my life.and ever since then i've been trying to find it but never did. and today, it found me. just at the appropriate time too. in the today's current lifestyle context, it's like hearing a singer voice the words you're not saying. and they say the bible isn't relevant today. the only difference is, then, i really did feel like running. being an irresponsible citizen (of god). dropping all my duties and bailing. all that and worse. but right now (as in these days), it's more of a temporary need to hide, keeping in mind that i will come back to grim reality. yeah, looks like my resolve (or rather the holy spirit's) is stronger within me to stay grounded here on earth, ever since that friend challenged me to commit to not running away from reality. i'm not even watching movies or involving myself in computer games, though i was seriously tempted to do the former today. amazing. i saw a young man today sitting on a chair with his head clasped in his hands, his eyes (probably teary) hidden beneath the fingers. i hear ya man, i hear ya. loud and clear. another thing on relevance: was listening to live 8's "live" webcast a few mins ago. (sadly, seems like that article in the papers about duran duran performing was wrong.) and a very relevant song came to mind. welcome to my world. yes, yes, i know. it has to be every teenager's teen angst and you-don't-understand-me song. i'm not even a fan of simple plan too cos i think their rock is trashier than linkin park's (oops..no offence you fans), but this song really nails it in its lyrics. and this is my song of relevance tonite. more notes on it after the lyrics. btw since thursday, the time of having each day turn out to be what ODB's daily devotionals talk about seems to be happening again. weird and wonderful would be an apt way to describe it. Welcome To My Life by SIMPLE PLAN Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you? Do you ever wanna run away? Do you lock yourself in your room With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming? No, you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt, to feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No, you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desperate to find something more Before your life is over? Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt, to feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down And no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life -- i've cut out the bridge cos it's not me right now. and the bit about locking myself in my room, well i wish that were so but since my house leaves no space for real privacy, i have to go out to seek places of refuge. and a comment on the bit "no one's there to save you": not that i don't acknowledge the presence of a loving god. how can i when he keeps (amazingly out of his grace) showing me that he does through ways other than the cross? however, i do associate with the feeling of loss and bleakness that comes with it, if only for the moment. but then god always refreshes me when i am brought to quiet pools of water (psalm 23 i think), away from the routines (read: responsibilities) of this life. god wasn't called the saviour for nothing. it is also there that He opens my eyes to what needs to be seen, there that i am able to think clearly. mellon collie feeling too wrecked tonite to explain in detail. but i'm feeling pretty much like the song below. more pent-up releases after the lyrics (but less detailed).We Never Change by COLDPLAY I wanna live life And never be cruel And I wanna live life And be good to you And I wanna fly And never come down And live my life And have friends around We never change, do we? No, no We never learn, do we? So, I wanna live in a wooden house I wanna live life And always be true I wanna live life And be good to you I wanna fly And never come down And live my life And have friends around We never change, do we? No, no We never learn, do we? So, I wanna live in a wooden house Making more friends Would be easy Oh, and I don't have a song to sing Yes, and I sin every single day We never change, do we? We never learn, do we? So, I wanna live in a wooden house Making more friends would be easy I wanna live where the sun comes out ---- today was a progressive descent towards melancholiness. i'm definitely sure it's not because i had no sleep, cos even though i slept little last night, it was still long enough to remove symptoms of [fill in the blanks yourself. or read my posts]. all i can say is, it has something to do with too much tatemae and too little honne. came across these japanese terms when i was doing my paper yesterday...and it does fit in with the events today. tatemae is what is called your 'public face', aka. your mask (think of PR shit) and honne is what you really feel inside. of course, if there's one thing i absolutely detest, it is lying -- especially lying in the form of masking my feelings...but as it says in the book where this was extracted from, sometimes out of common courtesy the Japanese tend to use tatemae, because one of course has to be generally polite in society. and their honne comes out in conversations with their closer friends. and it's funny....cos today our exercise for our acting & directing class was to put into practice those very terms (though of course he didn't say they were these terms, but they were). we were supposed to act as guests at an embassy. and this waiter was supposed to pass us hors d'oeuvres which had something wacky inside -- and it affected our openness. to explain: we started out putting on our 'public faces' and acting all cordial and polite. so for each hors d'oeuvres we took, we started getting more and more open and more revealing towards our true feelings til finally became what we really felt like inside. so to apply it to the concept above, we put on our tatemae but became more and more honne after each helping of hors d'oeuvres. and today i was forced to be a bit of that in a particular area, out of common courtesy and politeness. and it's uncanny but tonight's episode of the O.C., the middle part of it was about saying something when you actually mean and want something else -- because not only is it common courtesy, it's to avoid hurting the feelings or jeopardising the best interests of others. [too bad though, channel 5 totally censored out the lesbian bit at the ending where alex and marissa end up making out...haha. they didn't even show that whole scene!]. but yeah. what happened was a lot of that. seth says summer and zach should probably go spend time together while seth takes the bus back alone, even though what he would really want is for him and summer to be the ones spending time together. ryan says lindsay should spend quality time with her dad (aka. his mean foster grandfather), even though what he would really want is for him and lindsay to be out on their date. kirsten says sandy (her husband) should say goodbye to rebecca (his old flame) before she leaves if he wants to, even though what she would really want is for him to stay and have a proper valentine's day dinner. sandy says no to rebecca after their 'moment' and decides to remain faithful to his wife at home, even though what a small part of him would really want is to wish she never ran away and that they would've continued their relationship if so. now apply it to me: i say [.....], even though what i would really want is for [.....]. it pained me just like it pained these characters. but god really is grace-giving to me especially in times like these. i was asking him a rhetorical question related to this and he answered by having a food seller at the bus stop in jb (where i wait for my parents) give me two apam balik s for free out of nowhere. that simple act of kindness from (indirectly) god really broke me and it was an encouragement, in a way, to me. |
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