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read between the lines
stressed today was a crappy day for me. i had a tough time practising forgiveness. i still am. cos it was just revealed to me the day before yesterday over quiet time that: the one thing i needed the holy spirit's power from in my life is....forgiveness. cos i realised that all the problems i am facing rite now have to do with me not forgiving that person / people about what they did to hurt or anger me....but it's so hard. i tell you i am so pissed at my parents n my brother rite now. i cant even like do my work at home in peace n quiet...and heck i'm supposed to have a test tomoro!as for why today was crappy, well i woke up today and i got ill over breakfast. gastric pains n stuff. had to waste money (again!) on taxi cos by the time i came outta the loo i was late. then, in sch, i nearly failed my dalet radio test, the one i had been panicking on the whole week. i had hoped to get at least a B for that, n i relly thot i wud get it since a kind soul helped me out during practice session today (god bless ya, i never expected you to). but instead i messed up cos i panicked n it was all bad.... then i went home, still rather ill. slept till dinner, woke up, n found i was unable to do work or study for my test becos the whole hse is so fricking noisy. it's a bit silent now, but that's becos i jus had a shouting session with my dad over my stupid irritating brother n before that i was trying to control the little rascal. on top of anger, i feel so stressed and like, wanting to crack. i dunno whether to cry or swear, and i don't feel like doing either rite now. i feel like running into the Big Guy's arms and hide. (big guy = god) i'm throwing out a lifeline. god, help, please.......need you to get thru all this. sigh. test to study, work to do, not feeling well.... beautiful letdown i was humbled...again. removal of pride and increase of humility was necessary. n remember the something intangible i was fasting on during 'engage'? well, i've tried...n it's wavering at times...including tonite in the bath. i must've choked out tons of spit and phlegm from all that...emotional release, if that's one way to put it. as i listened to it, tonite's song relly described me....not just for tonite, but for how i've felt thru the months n stuff, for many nites on and off. the only difference is that this song offers hope and a willingness to persevere, two things which i, admittedly, don't seem to have at times. but i guess that's why this song was written for ppl like me...i find it interesting that this song is even the title for the album to which it belongs: it shows it means so much to the band that they want to call their album that. n i totally agree that this is something significant in the eyes of God. THE BEAUTIFUL LETDOWN by Switchfoot It was a beautiful letdown When I crashed and burned When I found myself alone, unknown and hurt It was a beautiful letdown The day I knew That all the riches this world had to offer me Would never do In a world full of bitter pain And bitter doubt I was trying so hard to fit in, Until I found out I don't belong here I don't belong here I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong It was a beautiful letdown When You found me here And for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear I'll be a beautiful letdown That's what I'll forever be And though it may cost my soul I'll sing for free We're still chasing our tails And the rising sun And our dark water planet Still spins in a race where no one wins And no one's one I don't belong here I don't belong here I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come Kingdom come, Your kingdom come Won't You let me down! Let my foolish pride forever let me down Easy living, you're not much like your name Easy dying, you look just about the same Would you please take me off your list? Easy living, please come on and let me down What a beautiful letdown painfully uncool the church of the drop outs, the losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools What a beautiful letdown are we salt in the wound? Let us sing one true tune I don't belong here I don't belong here ... Won't You let me down? ... 'Cos I don't belong here, please Won't You let me down? further notes: this is what jon foreman, the one who wrote this, said: "Physics tells us that everything on this planet will fail us eventually. Trust someone, fall in love: your scars will tell the same story. Entropy, pain, beauty, love, hope... mix them together and call it living. The choice that remains is where we go to find meaning and truth. The biggest failures and disappointments in my life have led me to look beyond what money or power or friends can buy. When you're face down at the very bottom of who you are, and there is no formality or pretence to cling to, all your masks fall off. In this broken place, our lives can be seen for what they are, no more no less; we are ourselves. The question is this: What happens after the twin towers in our lives fall? Do we become bitter and hateful or does redemption come into focus? I've been on both sides...only one is beautiful." needless to say, that's how i feel....but i never relly came to that conclusion at the last part. further stuff that popped up when i was reading the bible: "You have been raised to life with Christ, so set your hearts on the things that are in heaven, where Christ sits on His throne at the right-hand side of God. Keep your minds fixed on things there, not on things here on earth." -- Colossians 3:1 yeah. easy to say, hard to do. but still possible in Christ...somehow. humbled today was a humbling experience for me...especially tonite when i gave myself up to god. the stress....cannot take it sometimes. i mean, i noe i mus persevere n stuff, but sometimes it feels jus so easy to give up, y'know? u feel like running again, instead of braving the storm. n i was in conflict with myself initially, as in my feelings were opposed to god's, and i was initially unsure of what to tell god: talk to him the way i actually feel or the way i shud be feeling? but i'm glad the Father is not a politically correct god. so i don't need to give him "correct" answers, or feel the pressure to, like when i'm with ppl n stuff. (not that i actually do so....i try my best to be true to myself n god, or i'll feel relly bad when the day's over. but yeah, i do feel the pressure and that creates conflict within me n a sort of weariness of having to watch what i say sometimes.)tonite this song best describes me....n i keep playing it over and over in my head, even when i've long turned my boom box off. this was what the writer, jon foreman, had to say in regards to it....n i totally agree with him, not just in what he said below but also in what he said in his song (the words i've enlarged are the words i can most relate to tonite): "I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am ONE, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run." -John Foreman, on "Twenty-Four"
TWENTY-FOUR by Switchfoot Twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies, Twenty-four failures in twenty-four tries. Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place, With twenty-four dropouts at the end of the day. (chorus) Life is not what I thought it was Twenty-four hours ago Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You And I'm not who I thought I was Twenty-four hours ago Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. Twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong With all my excuses still twenty-four strong. But see I'm not copping out Not copping out, not copping out When You're raising the dead in me Oh, I am the second man Oh, I am the second man now Oh, I am the second man now And You're raising these twenty-four voices With twenty-four hearts With all of my symphonies in twenty-four parts But I want to be one today Centered and true So I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You And You're raising the dead in me Oh, I am the second man Oh, I am the second man now Oh, I am the second man nowAnd You're raising the dead in me I want to see miracles To see the world change I wrestled the angel For more than a name For more than a feeling For more than a cause I'm singing And You're raising the dead in meSpirit take me up in arms with You twenty-four voices With twenty-four hearts Twenty-four symphonies in twenty-four parts And You're raising the dead in meLife is not what I thought it was Twenty-four hours agoBut see I'm not copping out Not copping out, not copping out.... note: the last bit bout "I wrestled the angel for more than a name, for more than a feeling, for more than a cause" refers to when jacob stuggled with god (who was in the form of a man) in the dirt n refused to let go until god blessed him in Genesis 32:23-30. i didn't know it myself until i realised it a few days ago, even more so tonite. and i so feel the same way, even about the "i am the second man" bit...tonite i re-learned a lesson in humility, n my pride n ego is something i relly have to keep in check or it'll affect my walk with god. incomplete sans god COMPLETE Here I am, Oh God So I lift my eyes to you Lord Through the storm I will hold on Lord Here I am, Oh God So I lift my eyes to you Lord Through the storm I will hold on Lord I look to You, Lord In your strength will I break through Lord Touch me now, let your love fall down on me I know your love dispels all my fears Through the storm I will hold on Lord And by faith I will walk on Lord Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day And I will be complete in I will be complete in I will be complete in You god, i am broken. restore me. this pot of clay was meant to look better than this. that's the summary of my nite i guess. today was...packed. this whole week was...packed. i've not been getting enuff sleep n i know in my heart the only reason why i'm not sick or having a major breakout of zits (cos i've been sweating so much this wk from walking across causeways n roads) is because His grace is sustaining me. and i will continue to remain faithful....it is an encouragement to me, His grace i mean (n not jus in what i've mentioned). but even if i see not His grace, i will be faithful. it's just...some days i feel like quitting. today i had a packed day. i hated rushing around n trying to please everybody by coming in time for each engagement. i felt like going awol today. i said, god, the sky is so beautiful today....wish i cud fly away. as in i was a bit in my escape mode, which so suits this personality test thingy i took today with one of my groups. i found out i was of a certain personality type, n ppl in this type tend to spend time alone when stressed. i totally agree hands down. why else do you think i wanna fly away / escape? they had other stuff in there....which was eerily accurate, especially the tendencies...they mentioned some tendencies or traits of mine which i've written about here in this blog before. relly freaky. it was like, hey, i'm an open book, would you like to read me? but not exactly lah. some ppl r jus blind to certain things ard them, n sometimes they think they got it rite when they "read" someone, but they're totally wrong. but yeah, i'm not taking the stress too well these days....n i hate lying especially to myself, as in like, to put on this mask and plastic smile n pretend to socialise all day when u relly dun feel like it...cos it leaves u feeling all cheated inside...so i didnt at times. think it must've looked bad on me, but hey god knows my heart. n why bother trying to 'win approval' from society according to what it deems as valid / good? the only one who i'd be pleasing then wud be unreliable, fade-away ppl. n i definitely wanna please something more firm, reliable, steadfast: god. but at the same time i felt that i cud have let myself be used more by god if i didn't let my problems affect my countenance. i'm still perfecting the art of focusing on god n not on self. a date with Love itself / Himself today has to be the best valentine for me ever. never have i felt so in love and so...glad on valentine's day. i got a date with the best guy you can imagine: i got a date with GOD! honestly, today was so cool....i saw couples all over singapore n stuff, n i can honestly say that today when i saw them i felt just as loved (no wait, loved way even more!) from the One above. it was so nice...but i'm trying not to bank on feelings but on faith this time.it didn't relly start out that way today, actually. i had like 4 hrs of sleep only, n 2 days of continuous rushing to finish 2 papers due today (killer double whammy!), n i was relly pissed when i found out i cudn't hand them in on time. everything that cud go wrong with the printers went wrong today. i went to 4 different places just to get my notes printed out. by that time i was already one hour past deadline. ah well. i cursed and i sweared....not very patient or obedient of me....n i was thinking about how bad things were (my marks getting minused off, i mean. cos i worked my ass off for the thing) n trying n praying to forget it all now that it's over. n then after that for dinner i just...felt like i had to be alone with god. i also felt i had to treat myself. i ended up going to a coffee house i've never gone to, n finding out that the coffee totally sucks (according to the description...."concentrated, black.."...euugh), but still managing to find an alternative place to spend time with god. but before that, the treat: vanilla ice-cream! man, oh man, i've never had so much fun in months since my 6-week cough happened, cos it kinda killed some of my appetite for ice-cream. but today, it was just fun, sitting on the green grass, looking at the crescent moon, licking my favourite dessert. n after that (i did not expect to find it but i did) i found this relly hidden-away place in the spot i was having my tea at. not too hidden away for bad hats to attack me, but i mean hidden from public view / from the ppl walking in. n i found this place so...free n cosy, that i started praying out loud n settling down comfortably. yeah, mebbe all these things stimulating my senses tonite made me seem all the more happier today, but the thing is, i left the place feeling relly happy. n it's funny, but on the bus back i met my fren's friend. i don't relly know him, but somehow or other we jus end up bumping into each other. somewhere during our conversation he asked me sth like if i was "among the dateless this valentine's". n i jus naturally responded that i'm taken, by god, n what better date can i ask for than love itself (after all, god equals love, rite?). he seemed not too okay with admitting that he was, in his own words, "dateless". i said, "hey, god's looking for another partner too...he freely extends the invitation...so why don't you?" he replied "i freely decline." then awkward silence for like, 3 seconds or sth. so i changed the subject. hmm. i mean, there's a god out there who loves you so much more than anyone on earth and you choose to reject true love? think someone needs intercession. not that i'm judging or anything, but it wud be nice if the whole world knew what true love really was about anyway. i jus saw the grammy's earlier (2nd telecast). kanye west is relly cool....he raps about jesus like he's doing hip hop for nelly (the "clean" version). very very cool. think i might keep an eye out for him. n it was relly touching when he got the grammy, n he was lost for words for awhile, before saying these first few words, "when i got the accident....". he said when he got the accident, he didn't realise death as much as that time, n that made him realise that as long as god gives us life to breathe, let's use it for His full benefit (he didn't say it directly, but i got the gist of it). hmm. gospel rap. living for jesus. hmm. parents suck life is bitter. picture this: it's relatively late in the nite (ok la it's not, but i had a full day n lack of sleep so i was feeling tired) n ur mom starts to have an argument with you bout trust. n she says things in such a contradictory way that u jus can't help but feel so fricking frustrated and so oppressed at the end of it all when she jus slams the door in your face. (she acts like she gives u choice, like she finally trusts you, and at the end of it all she says no. then why the hell fool me into thinking u finally trust me, mom?) n to top it off, there's been minor skirmishes along the day...for instance she's slammed down the phone on you once today, and had a disagreement with u over something so minor earlier tonite.and i was so pissed and upset about the whole thing that it affected the rest of my nite. the whole entire time when i was bathing i swore, got mad, broke down, cried, cried out to god....cos usually bathing time is one of the places where i think things thru, which is partly why i take at least an hour to bathe. seriously....i noe god wants me to pass this test. i noe i said i wud stop running away from this problem. but i jus felt so weak....n tonite i relly felt almost like giving up on this whole stupid idea of standing all this n seeing all this thru. i felt like running away. i felt like going missing. i also said i wished my parents were dead so at least i'd have only some buncha happy memories about them. n i also suddenly saw the light when i felt jus like those relly outraged teens who take the gun n shoot down their parents...cos i felt jus like that again this nite too. it's all coming out again tonite....i've been trying so hard not to pent up this anger with my parents by leaving the hse n going awol for most of the day n nite, n now that i have to sit down n face it...it's hard. i have to keep reminding myself to focus on god....n tonite for the first time since a few years, i've actually gone back to my old remedy for crappy nites: snacking on some plain milk chocolate to make me feel better. n it actually works cos i feel much better after treating myself...or mebbe it's the stuff in the chocolate or sth...i dunno. they say chocolate's an aphrodisiac but i dunno....so far i don't feel any sex drive while having eaten it each time...i jus feel much better or happier, that's all. yeah, those were the days.....last time when i didn't have the freedom to roam around n stake out plush comfy seats at coffee houses n stuff, my only freedom was at home at nite when the air was cold n quiet, n my whole family wasn't awake to stress me out n make me die early. i wud....make myself a cup of 3-in-1 gold nescafe, take out some milk chocolate (it ranged from bars to harry potter chocolate frogs, to anything...as long as it was plain milk chocolate) n sit down in the dining room n jus think (or talk to god silently, since my living room is unfortch near my parents' room), while sipping my coffee n nibbling my chocolate. n i always felt so much better after i did that. along the way the idea didn't become practical for several reasons n i stopped. but yeah, when i come to think of it, yeah, that was a piece of temporary peace for me. i always stocked up the goodies (the drink n food) one week before, so i'd never run out. n....somehow....i think it boosted my self-esteem, the fact that i was treating myself, i mean it jus made me feel much better. cos sometimes y'know, you jus feel so lousy n no one else but u n god understands or knows, so in an effort to cheer you up you treat yourself to ur favourite stuff? sigh. long road to go. the parents thing. yeah, it jus gets better and better, sarcastically speaking. way to go, mom and dad. say stuff to piss me off. or hurt me by saying relly wrong things that u noe are not true. woo hoo. i'm so happy and thankful i've got a**h***s for parents. whoops...did i say that? sigh. i jus feel so mad when i think about them. i feel the need to...retaliate with a bad word. it's kinda hard to do the jesus, thing, especially if they're your own flesh n blood n u have to put up with them every single day. i relly don't know how you did it, god. father, forgive them? i don't know how you killed them with kindness. i'm still trying, god. i'm still trying.
constantine but on a side note, if i count out how my mom ruined my nite, today went pretty well....mostly. i got to watch constantine (yay) n man is keanu as hot as ever! hehe.....but i don't understand why they had to make rachel weisz wear a relly revealing er, top, or what little she wore of it, in one of the scenes. ok actually i understand....sex sells, yeah cos we all live in an evil world....but stil, i think i cud do without it, y'know. but other than that the movie was great. i was drawn into the plot n the special effects helped to supplement the story....altogether it was relly cool.it was about the battle going on between heaven and earth. supposed to be based on the comic "hellblazer" (was reading thru Galaxie mag with the keanu reeves interview special, whoopee), which i've never read, but i cud still follow up n understand the whole story anyway. it was a little witty at times too. n his co-star, rachel weisz....i had no idea it was her again until a few mins before the show started, when i was browsing thru the Cinema Online local mag at the bookstore nearby. cos rachel weisz is the same one who worked alongside keanu in chain reaction....n they were partners as well in the movie. but their level of intimacy is different in this movie. this one's kinduva tease to the audience....ok i won't spoil the show, heh. but i liked the plot...relly cool. they kinda twisted up the biblical references thing, but it's a very interesting world they've painted there....a world where humans live alongside angels n demons, n where both can see each other. very much like our own....shudder. thank god i dun see these things. but yeah, it does make me more aware that there is a spiritual realm, and it's what we do with our lives now that cud very well impact what happens in the spiritual realm. in fact it's what we do now that affects where we spend our afterlife. very meaningful...reminds me of why i'm here. (purpose-driven life....haha). n after the movie my cousin n i went bowling...n we bumped into two familiar faces...hehe. frens on my side. enuff said. i need to sleep n do up my quiet time. i'm tired. a different CNY today was a first-day cny with mixed feelings...but i guess it's fun.....cos usually all other years tend to follow a pattern. this cny i got blown off by someone (i'm not saying who), n i also had to say goodbye to yet another amigo aka. buddy of mine who is going off (again) to oz for further studies. sigh.....everyone's leaving these days! i jus had another fren of mine who left like 2 wks ago....n another one is leaving this sat! n another one's going in march.....n so on n so forth.....sighzers.....it looks like i'm the only idiot left behind, still staying here n roughing it out with my parents. everyone else was so clever....all ran away to uk, oz, kl to have a life of their own (aka independent n parent-free). ok. i shall stop talking bad bout my parents. i said i was gonna try to "tahankan" them n i'm sticking to it.my parents aren't my main point anyway....but, yeah. sigh. god, if you want me to lose my life n all that i love on this earth, i will. i jus feel a bit miserable, that's all. it's exodus time again n i dun like saying goodbye to my frens (again). but god has his ways n we'll all move on with our lives n make new frens....but sometimes it sucks changing frens...esp since u've gotten so used to them. sometimes i relly do wonder.....will we still keep in touch when we've all grown up n have lives of our own? i can imagine that some of my frens wil be spread round the globe.....n those are the ones i'm esp thinking of in regards to my question: will we still be in contact? but other than those unusual incidents, cny was the same again for me at my grandparents' hse. we had reunion dinner yesterday.....same old, same old. there was one unusual thing though. my kong kong actually smiled when i greeted him yesterday. today not so, it was colored with an expression of pain. but yesterday, yeah, that was a good thing.....cos he hasn't been smiling much since he got that stroke 5 yrs ago.....it left him unable to move on his right side n destined him to live a life in bed all day....relly sucks. i can totally understand when he used to say "i want to die" before he accepted christ (he got saved last year, praise the Lord)....cos i mean, seriously speaking, if i was paralysed n stuck lying on some stupid bed all day n nite, with nothing to kill my boredom but my own thoughts and the smell of my urine (he stank today when i said goodbye to him, sometimes he doesnt but tonite he did)......i think i'd want to die too. nothing to look forward to....n all the numerous plants n fish he used to take care of are all dead becos he wasn't able to take care of them after the stroke.....it's very sad. ok, so life now is better with jesus around in his life, but i dunno if he (kong kong) still is staying strong or not.....cos he hasn't been able to hear more about the god who saved him since a few mths after he last accepted christ. long story of what happened......n i feel relly frustrated when i see the influence of the devil so much in that place. i'd at least want him to know more about where he's going before he actually goes.....but everytime i say that it sounds really self-centered....cos of the "I want" n not what God wants. but other than that, i've been relly bad at managing my life in terms of doing things. i was supposed to do my work today but...somehow i either fell asleep or was stuck at my grandparents' hse....n now it's too late to do it anyway. i've been at it again....procrastinating. this is bad. my sch work n stuff....needs to be done. n i need to plan for future projects. btw yesterday i was so exhausted from having only 2 hrs of sleep the nite before n then having to go to sch n other places to do so many things outside of home (including the reunion dinner) that the minute i got home, which was bout 11pm plus, i jus plonked myself on the bed n slept. i cudn't even wake up to bathe.....n my mom, thankfully, had the sense to stop nagging me to go n take my bath. yeah, so i didn't bathe yesterday. hahaha. but it's not like i stank today. n i had a full 12 hrs of sleep.....but i was still a lil sleepy. n i slept again later this evening when i was supposed to be doing work.....so i got nothing done, which is definitely bad. btw i had a visit to my fren's hse for lunch today.....was pretty glad not to have to go to my grandparents' hse n at least do sth else less boring n go somewhere less sad for a change. tomoro i'm planning to do my work.....i hope. but i've got a date with constantine tomoro...yeah, cos keanu reeves is a hot man in my opinion, hehe....n i'm prob gonna have a long chat with my cousin from kl who's going with me tmr...so i dun relly know if i'll have the discipline to sit down n do my work after that. i'm so lazy. *snaps fingers* wake up, jess, wake up! we'll see. heaven on earth doesn't exist i've realised today that....life is temporary. i'm gonna fade away. no one's gonna remember my name or give a shit about how many A's i got in my modules or sth. it's what i do while i'm still alive that matters. and...it's all about god, not me. thy will, not my will be done. i might have ideas about how this and that can be improved, or what should be done or should have been done.....but i realise God's ways are best and...if my ideas are not in accordance with His, then i might as well just scrap my plans.i was doing the purpose-driven life book thingy today n today was day 6: life is a temporary assignment. n it really reminds me again: i am gonna die eventually, whether i want to or not. even if i'm afraid, even if i'm so scared of dying, i will have to take that step one day and i shouldn't be not thinking about it, becos if i don't think about it, i won't be planning how to live my life properly. today's devotion taught me that i gotta be constantly reminded of this short life on earth and how i shud make use of every moment of it, before i'm gone like a puff of smoke. it also reminded me that....life here is just the prelude to my proper life up there, in heaven. so everything here....is temporal, so i must once again remember to view things in that perspective, that i shouldn't build my treasures here, but in heaven where no moth can destroy (some verse of the bible which i forgot). and i was thinking about my life and how...all my problems and desires, if i view them as temporary, would all just make it easier to take. n this new piece of the puzzle of life was brought to mind: i've spent almost all my life looking for a sort of heaven on earth here, be it in people or material things, n all these things have been fleeting cos they seem to have a limit as to how long conditions will remain perfect (cos yeah, they're all temporal).....but, wouldn't it be better if i found a piece of real heaven, one that would remain in my heart forever (aka. one of eternal value) whether in good times or in bad? and what is that "piece of real heaven" i'm talking about? it's a slice of wisdom from above, the revelation of a truth, or some kinda value (like love, hope or faith) or the fruits of the spirit (humility, self-control, patience, peace, etc.) basically what i'm trying to say is, wouldn't it be better to have something eternal to take with me through life's journey, rather than go searching all through life for fake goods or the imitation of the real thing? cos one thing i've realised is, i'm never gonna find perfection here. i'll never have the perfect life: a perfect family with perfect parents, perfect job, perfect friends, etc. sure, things might seem perfect for a while but there will come a time when all will fail me, simply because by God's law nothing is perfect. and yet i've been looking for it my whole life, trying to find a slice of heaven in some kinda perfect niche or comfort zone....which i'm beginning to realise, is absolutely pointless, since there is no perfection here. instead, what i should be doing, is to try to gain some of the perfection from heaven (aka. those values and eternal truths) from God and continue fill my heart with these forever. cos these are the only things that are truly perfect: the truth (about life and things) and values that follow God's standard n not the world's (love, faith, purity, humility, self-control, peace, patience, etc.). these are the things that will truly stand the test of time and encourage me when i'm down or needy because these revelations and values will never fade. and ironically, as i was going through the previous chapters of the purpose-driven life book, i find so much of these values sung in switchfoot's songs. n man, they wrote some of the songs even before the book came out! it's totally cool, the way i see it....like the first chapter, about how there is a purpose for life and that purpose is we were made to live for God, suddenly the song "meant to live" from switchfoot's latest album (the beautiful letdown) and "something more (augustine's confession)" from their second album just came to mind. and for today's revelation from god, the song below seemed to fit in as i was playing it (i didn't relly play the cd on purpose; i jus realised it as i was singing the words and connecting it with the new thing i learnt today). the song's about letting go of earthly things and everything one loves so much in this world; asking God to help one let go of them. it's basically a conversation between oneself and God. very cool....i only figured out the lyrics about a year or two after i got the album, which was in 2001. PLAYING FOR KEEPS by Switchfoot Do me a favor Would You sing this to me slow? 'Cause I'm thinking it's my song Do me a favor Would You tell me when to let go? 'Cause I think I'm holding on Would You do it for me? Would You do it for me? 'Cause I'm playing for keeps Tell me tomorrow has come With open arms, open arms, open arms If You say it's time to move on Then I'll stop holding on, holding on If You say that it's time for moving on Do me a favor Would You tell me which way's up? 'Cause I don't know where I fit Do me a favor Would You tell me when to stop? 'Cause I don't know how to quit Tell me tomorrow has come With open arms, open arms, open arms If You say it's time to move on Then I'll stop holding on, holding on If You say that it's time for moving on Do me a favor Do me a favor... 'Cause I'm playing for keeps Tell me tomorrow has come With open arms, open arms, open arms If You say it's time to move on Then I'll stop holding on, holding on If You say that it's time for moving on btw, the "tomorrow has come" part means either heaven or the second coming, the time when perfect life has finally come i guess. faith n foundations i'm finding a lot to relate to in parousia's songs, but i'm too lazy to type it out all here. sadly, i can't seem to find their lyrics online, at least not the song i want. in reflection, i haven't changed yet as compared to how i reacted to life's pains a few posts ago. as in, i haven't quite mastered the art of having an internal locus of control (i wrote the explanation somewhere in my previous posts). n i'm realising, hey i don't wanna be a fair-weather christian. not that i really am, cos i don't run away from God when there's problems, but i've let my environment affect my countenance n my walk with God. in fact i'm jus doing what the devil wants me to do: mope and not function fully for god.i mean, today things went better. i was supposed to go out to singapore again to....do some stuff, (n ok-lah, i wanted to escape), but at the last minute some things got called off today so i didn't really have to go in the end. n i cud've gone, but i didn't n i stayed home instead....n mom n i didn't fight or anything. n my lecturer actually sent me a chinese new year card, which i thot was relly thoughtful of him, even though it was mass-forwarded, cos i mean teachers don't usually send students cards. n a few things happened today that relly....perked up my mood. n then that's when i started realising that i'm basing my happiness on my circumstances, which is relly dangerous. i mean, what if things relly suck n somebody i know dies or sth? what if my worst fears come true n i end up with some life-threatening disease? what am i gonna do then? have a nervous breakdown n go mentally insane? even if things don't turn out for the extreme (n i don't relly think it will be so most times, cos i'm pretty sure God likes to give his people breaks in-between), not having a firm something to base my countenance on is still dangerous cos then i won't be able to do as good a job as i could've done in handling life's pains. n....if it affects my walk with God, it'll affect how much i'm doing of what God wants me to do. i feel i'm doing less than what i cud've done jus because i was down and out, n like i said above, i realise that that's exactly what the devil aims to achieve in us: to blur our focus on God when we're down and make us sort of useless for God. i say sort of because i believe (in the context of these days) that it's not been so bad that i totally cannot function for God, but i do believe that i cud've done more, especially in these end times. the great divorce (c.s. lewis) talks about the ongoing separation between good and evil, n how it's getting nearer n nearer to the day of the second coming: to the parousia. it's more important than ever that we do what we're supposed to do full-force before it's too late. n a while ago it was brought to my attention that i don't have to wait for the second coming for it to be too late. i could die anytime....but would i be able to say that my work was complete? not that it ever will be, but i still feel there's so much i have yet to do, that i'm still working out yet. i mean, if i'm dead now, i'll never really learn what true faith was, to be able to trust in god under gloomy circumstances. n other things..... i guess it's easy to realise n know all this, but to actually put it into practice is something else. n yesterday when i was flipping thru the Bible i was reminded again that in the first place, the Christian walk is all about faith, right from the very foundations. our core belief, in jesus christ and his resurrection, is already a step of faith. trusting in god to provide is a step of faith. believing he's gonna come again is a step of faith. and so on n so forth. n i am constantly reminded of this verse in and out of my life: god puts people right through their faith in christ (forgot where it came from). this verse doesn't always pop into my mind whenever there's trouble but when it does i am reminded...n encouraged by it. more misery btw my dog seems to be fine today...he wagged his tail like normal....n i guess i'm kinda surprised. i was worried sick he wud have a crippled tail or sth. but mebbe i shudn't have been surprised, cos i shud've jus trusted god to work a miracle anyway. n mom's migraine went away....that's why she took up verbal fighting again.i've been blasting up all my loudest tunes today jus to numb the pain. n hopefully help me to get back on focus. n i'm beginning to realise that parousia sounds so much like the local malay bands here...which means there's potential for them to reach out to that market too. n recalling what i said earlier about not being able to find peace on earth, i can remember another incident today that also examplified that. i was in the library before going to a coffee house. you'd think that in a library ppl wud leave you alone. but no, instead i got stopped by the cleaner lady and one of the librarians, asking me if i was okay. what the? i wish i had a room in singapore, or somewhere where there's walls so ppl can't actually see what ur doing. i feel so stifled these days. when i pray i like to talk aloud to god. but i can't do that most of the time cos ppl will think i'm insane. n if i'm in a public place it's not exactly like i can be in touch with my emotions aka. shout or cry.so i try to rest my head on the table n talk while hiding under my arms. but then ppl like the librarian n cleaner ask me if i'm all right. what's it to them? jesus, jesus can't you pick me up and bring me somewhere else or at least, please give me the strength to get thru another day. i know i'm prolly being so ungrateful n stuff, but i can't help feeling what i feel. it's not like i can look at a crippled man (which i did today) and go "oh yeah, i feel so grateful already." instead i had an adverse reaction and i'm not going to say what.
misery, misery feel like shit today. mebbe it's aggravated by the fact that Wounded Hands (Perousia) is stuck in my ears. that is a very, very sad song. makes me feel worse. i asked rhetorical questions today. why god? i asked. why do you give me parents that both hurt and anger me so? why is it so hard to get along with them? i say it's rhetorical, because i already know the answer. it's jus that it's so...hard to accept.today i don't feel like talking to anybody. i wish god cud carry me away to someplace where no one can find me, because i just don't feel like being on earth any longer. i can't even find solace in a coffee house today...my mom called me up n we started arguing! sigh. i'm so broken and i wish i cud run into god's arms and hide. god, i don't know how u did it. i don't know how u went thru all that pain and torture, and i don't know how u still hung on the tree even though it must have felt like a living hell. i don't know how you kept the end goal in sight even when you were feeling the pain and mockery all around you. i really don't know. i contemplated running away again today. but after some thought n prayer, i decided not to. not this time. sigh. wish i cud, though. n i was so mentally weary that the minute i got home i had no mood for anything but sleep. i'm up now...feel refreshed a lil. but the feeling of gloom is coming back. mebbe it's time to read that letter from satan again (see previous post). from flames, to freedom, to focus again "...Flame, flame burn brighterDon't go out (3X)... I want to stay on fire Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... Thinking my flame self-sustaining I've tried to survive on my own But now I quench myself to gain You I risk myself to find You...." -- Flame, Parousia i cud just sing every single word from this song n be talking about my life right now. it's jus so exact that it's mind-boggling. either it's jus me or maybe everyone goes thru this phase i'm going. i think the latter is the answer. but i have to admit, my drama teacher was right when he said you never get more poetic / creative than when you're down (as opposed to happy). i mean it's true. when i'm happy what exactly can i write about in my songs or poems? there's jus so much more to express when i'm in limbo. n the songs i play on the piano are never more moving when they're outpourings of pain. but it's not like i want to be miserable forever. i know there's something more to this. and anyway i don't wanna waste what little i have of my life doing nothing but mope. i think this is the devil's tactic: strike people down so they're either too confused or too miserable to do any work for God (n eventually cease to function in the spiritual battlefield). n the more i am reminded of this, the more determined i am to not let that happen. I keep playing this and Satisfied on repeat again and again. it keeps getting stuck in my head (i mean flame). n thanks to my fren, who sang Satisfied last year when we jammed for our temporary band's practice, satisfied's tune is easier to catch. i dunno if that's a good thing or not, since i find Satisfied such a sad song. so is Wounded Hands. my fren is thinking of getting us old band members back together again. n he's thinking of using third place to jam and perform. n lloyd (the lead "hollerer" of the band) confirmed with us that parousia is playing there every last sunday of the month. that cud be fun.....i'd like to see them perform again, together with the other rock acts lined up along their time slot. n mebbe i can get more tips for the future....heh. btw i was looking thru the explanation behind the name third place, n i was surprised to discover that they used that ray oldenburg guy's concept. cos hey, i jus did that guy's concept in my feature story on coffee houses recently. it came up frequently in my research for coffee houses, esp in american articles. pretty interesting. n i totally agree with the guy that there needs to be a "third place", apart from the places of home n work, to sit down n relax. i think it wud kick ass if dc talk or switchfoot did a camp-cum-nightly-concert here, the way planet shakers did. i'd definitely choose them over ps, for sure. too bad they ain't coming. n the closest switchfoot can get is australia, where they've played at some churches. but still, it's not like i can sit tiger airways n budget my way there...cos even if i did have the dough, my parents wud kill me. speaking of parents, they didn't kill me today for coming home so late. but it's bittersweet....cos the reason why is that mom's down with a terrible migraine attack. it was so bad she had to see the doc. i dunno what's with her, but she's always been prone to migraines....usually she'll jus shrug it off by sleeping or staying away from loud noises, but i guess this one must've been really bad for her to go to the doc. cos if anyone knows my family, they'd know that my family is NOT doctor-friendly. which can be really frustrating, if ur really really sick or unwell, n they don't wanna take u to the doc. that's the reason why one of my dogs still has his left ear blown up because of some pus-infected thingy which my parents jus dun wanna tend to. in fact, i seriously believe that my old dog cud've been saved if we had sent her to the doc's instead of jus letting her heal on her own, which she never did. speaking of dogs n ailments, my dad ran over my dog's tail tonite. i was like, *toot*, (muttering it under my breath spontaneously), cos i really don't want my dog's tail crippled or sth. n also cos i feel it's indirectly my fault, cos i shud've jus taken the taxi home or come home earlier or sth. he's the same one with the infected left ear. my dad says he checked the dog n "everything seems to be okay". yeah right. u jus ran over the dog's tail and everything's all right? there cud be internal injuries or sth! i relly dunno bout that....i've gotta leave it all to god on that one. cos i've read stories in the paper n seen the news of ppl who have died becos of unseen "internal injuries" pretty suddenly. n it freaks me out jus thinking.....shudder. i jus dun wanna think of what wud happen if even one of my dogs wasn't here. i love them all to bits n i really really don't think i can take it right now. i've been there before, n it was so very hard to leave the pain n move on. cos my dogs....are really close to me. they're like, my best friends. for so many reasons that some humans jus can't match up to. cos there's this lady i read bout in a back issue of the straits times who died all because a bus ran over her foot. n she's a christian too, together with her husband who watched her die. it seems they were getting off the bus, n somehow the bus driver ran over her foot without knowing. (that part i can never really fathom, cos i mean, if ur getting off the bus ur feet shud be pointing away from the bus, rite?). the paper says the indian guy is relly "remorseful" and "sorry" for his act n has been driving with a clean record for the past 4 (now 5) years. n the thing is, the old lady thot it was nothing, so they went home n the only thing that was done was the husband massaging her foot. the next thing he knows, she's in the hospital n gangrene's settting in on her foot. a few operations to save her foot. n then, a stroke, which (the paper says) he believes was caused by the injury. n she never made it past the stroke. just like that. boy do i really hope my dog doesn't go thru sth even remotely similar to that. boy do i wish i had a car, or at least permission to drive. i wud so take my dog to the vet's now if i cud. not to mention, the next time i get relly sick i cud drive myself there too. n i cud put the car to pretty good use for zooming away from this life and all this stress n jus cruising down the highway like i've always wanted to. i wait for the day where i can blast some really loud music n jus zoom down the highway, with the beautiful night sky n god for comfort. n there's something about taking control of the wheels that just feels so...empowering. i feel like my life is in control...or sth like that. n as i eat up the miles, it's almost like i'm leaving my problems further n further behind. but then again, it all comes back to basics: am i really the one in control of my life? am i self-centered or christ-centered? i'd like to be the latter...but sometimes i get a bit distracted from the goal. which reminds me, i'm supposed to have started on the 40 days of purpose campaign thingy yesterday, together with my yf. but nobody even reminded me or anything. but then again.....it's to be expected. n well....i guess nobody's perfect. admittedly i see the need for a lot of things to change in yf.....but then again who am i to complain of god's plan? besides, He's been working a wave of revival in our yf already. a small wave, but hey it carries potential. n who am i to judge what i cannot see.....who noes who else might have had a deeper impact from the wave than can be noticed? but the main point i wanted to say was, the first day was about: well, well, well. "christ-centeredness". n i didn't even noe i was being preached to about yesterday's topic without even reading it. i forgot to buy the book at a discounted price in my yf so i had to go fish for it in borders. too bad i can't read an unbought book at the coffee bean outlet jus outside, or it wud be easier to do quiet time. i can't keep going to borders everytime i wanna read my devotion. even city square is some distance away from home. escapism decided to continue on another post. cos i got another creative "thing" coming up. it's the poem below. i was sitting down, at one of those coffee houses where i seem to frequent addictively these days, jus collecting my thoughts as usual, thinking about things, talking to God (silently though.....sigh i wish there was a public place where i cud talk aloud to God! i feel so stifled not saying it out!) and trying to sort things out.....n i came up with this. nothing much, but hey, it's not like i was trying to perfect my work here when i was scribbling this down...it jus came to mind.[another one] coffee, coffee what do i see a spoon with my face staring back up at me. a face etched with worries, a bowl full of regrets the froth of bubbled dreams or possibly the defence i put up to coat the bitter taste. my soul waits persistent, insistent, reluctant to leave this place to go home and face the return of this bleak world. this place under the soft lights and the comforting atmosphere is a temporary haven a sanctuary for You a short solace from the dark and dreary world outside. i know You can hear me but can i hear You? fyi, i had taken the spoon out of the glass and had licked it clean n plonked it onto one of their serviettes on the table. so that's why it was staring back up at me. n also, today i finally found the part in the bible i was looking for, the one i said that totally voiced out my feeling for wanting to escape from here. i was pretty glad i found it again. "I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!"
I would fly away and be at rest -- I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." -- PSALM 55: 6-8 ...."Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." -- Psalm 55: 22
i wanna stay on fire i jus bought a new CD today....rite after listening to the band perform "live". n i found their songs today so appropriate...n the album i bought from them, it's so voicing out what i'm not saying, it's like a loudspeaker for my silence....i found these lyrics (from one of their songs) especially relevant for my current situation:FLAME by Parousia I've been in this dark and lonely place for so long The cold, it surrounds me I try to be strong This shadow is haven, and it's here I'll hide But I'm losing the fire that once burned inside Part of me just wants to be all alone Completely isolated in my world But my dreams have now faded I must start anew So longing to flourish, I now turn to You Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... I want to stay on fire Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... Thinking my flame self-sustaining I've tried to survive on my own But now I quench myself to gain You I risk myself to find You Standing on my own two feet I fall down My own shadow's incomplete Barren ground Your shadow invites me with its glow of light Your fire consumes me as I step inside Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... I want to stay on fire Flame, flame burn brighter Don't go out (3X)... Thinking my flame self-sustaining I've tried to survive on my own But now I quench myself to gain You I risk myself to find You [the highlighted bit is the one i feel is rite at the top of the thoughts i'm not voicing out] btw, at first i was a little confused with the "I quench myself to gain You" part....cos i was thinking of the verse where jesus says He will quench my thirst, or sth like that....but after a few seconds i realised that in this context it means "i quench my own flame to gain You", as in "i lose my life to find You", which is the bit in the four gospels n the main theme of track no. 2 from !HERO that has been screaming out at me from the pages for quite some time already. which makes this song even more relevant to me rite now. n i like songs i can relate to...cos duh, by nature, anything that has to do with us we find "interesting". n these relevant songs...i feel connected to them n it makes me more likely to sing them, or blast them into my eardrums.
letter from the bad guy hahaha....i'm glad i got this...i was languishing again today, n struggling to remain christ-centered n not self-centered, when wham! suddenly i get this from friendster, n i read it, n it relly cracked me up cos i found it so funny...but at the same time it encouraged me n enlightened me too.....n hence made me stronger in the faith. i've been trying to build up my defences....but this one really sealed it for today....n here it is:A LETTER TO YOU FROM SATAN I saw you yesterday as you began your daily chores. You awoke without kneeling to pray. As a matter of fact, you didn't even bless your meals, or pray before going to bed last night. You are so unthankful, I like that about you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you have not changed your way of living, Fool, you are mine. Remember,you and I have been going steady for years, and I still don't love you yet. As a matter of fact, I hate you, because I hate God. I am only using you to get even with God. He kicked me out of heaven, and I'm going to use you as long as possible to pay him back. You see, Fool, GOD LOVES YOU and HE has great plans in store for you. But you have yielded your life to me, and I'm going to make your life a living hell. That way, we'll be together twice. This will really hurt God. Thanks to you, I'm really showing Him who's boss in your life with all of the good times we've had. We have been watching dirty movies, cursing people out, stealing, lying, being hypocritical, fornicating, overeating, telling dirty jokes, gossiping, being judgmental, back stabbing people, disrespecting adults, and those in leadership positions, no respect for the Church, bad attitudes. SURELY you don't want to give all this up. Come on, Fool, let's burn together forever. I've got some hot plans for us. This is just a letter of appreciation from me to you. I'd like to say "THANKS" for letting me use you for most of your foolish life. You are so gullible, I laugh at you. When you are tempted to sin, you give in HA HA HA, you make me sick. Sin is beginning to take it's toll on your life. You look 20 years older, and now, I need new blood. So go ahead and teach some children how to sin. All you have to do is smoke, get drunk or drink while underage, cheat, gamble, gossip, fornicate, and live being as selfish as possible. Do all of this in the presence of children and they will do it too. Kids are like that. Well, Fool, I have to let you go for now. I'll be back in a couple of seconds to tempt you again. If you were smart, you would run somewhere, confess you sins, and live for God with what little bit of life that you have left. It's not my nature to warn anyone, but to be your age and still sinning, it's becoming a bit ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'D MAKE A BETTER FOOL FOR CHRIST. P.S. If you really love me, you won't share this letter with anyone. blessed "Blessed are the poor - blessed are the poor in spiritfor theirs will be the kingdom of heaven Blest are those who mourn Blessed are the sad and lonely For their tears will dry and they'll be comforted...." This really comforts me now...it always has, whenever i'm down. it's from that HERO album i'm so crazy about. in fact, this is the ONLY song that has ever gotten the beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-10) stuck in my head. cos it's sung to the tune of slow rock....which is really my kinda thing. jesus is really every man's man. i like the fact that he reaches out as much to the rockers (like me) as he does to the softies (like my hillsongs-bred friends). previously i found it so hard to remember, cos the word "blessed" kept coming out so many times that it was confusing. n i never really understood how anyone could say they were blessed or grateful when under pain or persecution. i mean, i couldn't relly feel it. until only lately in my walk with God...like ard 1 or 2 yrs ago. He opened my eyes when someone was preaching about this in one of our church's usual sunday sermons. LOVE'S DECLARATION from Hero - the Rock Opera [Hero:] Blessed are the poor - blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs will be the kingdom of heaven Blest are those who mourn Blessed are the sad and lonely For their tears will dry and they'll be comforted [W/ Petrov and Maggie:] Blessed are the meek - all the gentle ones They shall inherit the earth Blessed are the ones that thirst for righteousness For they shall all be filled [Hero:] These words are promises to you Love's perfect declaration to pilgrims and weary travellers to see you through Blessed are the merciful - for they shall be shown mercy Blessed are the pure in heart - for they shall see God [W/ Petrov and Maggie:] Blessed are the ones always making peace They shall be called God's sons The persecuted souls, because of righteousness, Heaven will be theirs [Hero:] These words are promises to you Love's perfect declaration to pilgrims and weary travellers to see you through btw, Hero is actually the modern version of the gospel...in which Hero aka. Jesus, is born in New York instead of Bethlehem and this takes place in the future. (check my previous posts...or just click the link on the right) Roles: [Hero] = Jesus [Petrov] = disciple of Jesus, possibly Peter [Maggie] = Mary Magdalene drifting at sea [life's ocean]i'm drifting at sea and the waves are pushing me back and forth. i'm a sailor out alone on just a simple boat. some days it's sunny and the skies are clear, other days it's pouring and the stormy waves threaten to envelop me. but in all weather situations, i know this is my Father's world. and i know that in all things He works for the good of me. i know i'll never see the shore until my earthly life has expired. and i WANT to reach the shore, i don't wanna end up dying in the midst of the storm just because i gave up hope and stopped looking upwards. and i know the only way to reach those golden sands is to let my Father sail this boat for me there. but for now i am drifting, drifting shipwrecked, in a way, displaced, for i don't belong here but hanging on, and learning day by day to give up the oars to God. He is the one who feeds and clothes me who sustains me, who teaches me who holds my hand and leads me through the ocean of life. (and anyway, He's the only one who knows me inside out.) btw, when i said i don't wanna end up dying in the midst of the storm, i really meant literally dying. go figure. it doesn't take a genius to do so. |
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