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read between the lines
Saturday, April 30, 2005
X & Y
listened to coldplay's new "speed of sound" from their brand-new "X&Y"....the opening tune smells of nostalgia and that other-worldly, almost haunting feel i get when i listen to splendor and dc talk's "supernatural" album....fantastic stuff, this coldplay kicker...takes a while to sink in, though
today was....i dunno. i guess i'm safe when i'm home? i dunno. or maybe i'm choosing not to think about what worries me. went for my second baptism class today. i was more alive than the last, so to speak, haha. maybe cos this time at least i was on time...n prolly cos of prayer. n other circumstances....like not having to sit on the stiff plastic seats and getting to choose places on the sofa cushions instead...
i've noticed something....it seems as of late that everyone seems to be catching the spiritual flu bug....dropping like flies n stuff....n it amazes me that god can look after and attend to so many complex, individual lives, all at the same time....i mean, ok, so he's god.....but still i marvel at the task....
we're all searching in this life to hold on to something so much better......and sadly, some are losing hope...it sucks when u have to be the one to watch them totter between life and death, spiritually speaking, or light and darkness....it's always the same battle....good vs. evil....oh how we long for a perfect home aka. heaven so much...
oh how i long for that perfect sanctuary so much sometimes...some zen-like place with water splashing over rocks and a garden full of green all around me...i get that (read: other-worldly) feeling too when i hear that weird piano tune being played over the yoga lady's sunraysia cranberry juice ad....or sometimes, for a split second...i like to imagine what a perfect life would be like, in some kinda parallel universe where everything works out smoothly.....but these days i'm getting snapped back to reality much faster (like in minutes) compared to last time, when my head was still in the clouds and i was still plugged into my simulated garden of eden.....
i sense some danger here in too much longing, or holding on too much to emotion.....in fact, just a few hours ago i was actually mad about something so small and trivial...after a few minutes (and after prayer) i was like, i can't believe i got mad over a stupid photo...it's amazing what lack of reasoning can do to you. i wonder how i'd be like if i was not prone to swinging like a yoyo between hurt and anger....would that necessarily be good? wouldn't i be some kinduva robot, forever smiling? cos wouldn't that mean my human side's taken outta me? i think i'd lose the ability to empathise....not that me empathising always does any good anyway, or maybe it's not for me to see the effects it has on someone's life.....
Friday, April 29, 2005
constantine lost?
was pretty shocked yesterday that my favorite rocker constantine maroulis was booted out of american idol...it's true what simon said, that bo sang better but that constantine had the (note: charm ;) ) charisma...n i was pretty surprised that he was out instead of anthony fedorov, another hottie on the bottom list, but still one which, i felt was more of good looks than good singing...or at least he keeps picking songs that don't bring out his best vocal qualities i feel...
clay aiken was there on wed n yesterday on idol....heeh....he's still my fave idol contestant.
other than that i'm feeling wistful about certain things, things out of my control, things i cannot stop from happening which i feel just helpless and powerless to do anything as i watch....
gosh, i can't believe i'm up now. what am i doing looking at ppl's blogs? i guess i just like to read in what i'm interested in.....(hint, no study books)....ok i gotta stop.
god of wonders
hmm...tried posting yesterday nite but blogger had problems again....n the worst thing is, it didn't even auto-save the post for me! so that's down the drain, which means i gotta type again...n i relly feel too lazy to type everything out, cos it's just not the same, as that moment when you're putting emotion to (electronic) paper and just letting your thoughts pass from your brain to the keyboard to the screen.
but basically the gist of what i was saying yesterday was that, god opened the door for me on monday...but i did not open it fully -- either that, or he has yet to open the door fully...but we'll see what happens...i was pretty surprised by my teammate's reactions...but that stuff's really uncertain....one thing i DO know for sure though, is that, God changed my heart towards someone on that day.
maybe it had to do with the unexpected tears that came out while i was praying earlier (i didn't plan to, the spirit jus took hold of me at that time) or maybe it was a culmination of many things (more likely), but it certainly was like someone pulled the invisible blinds off my eyes and i could look at that someone no longer through a tinted lens anymore...and i felt really free, and really able to forgive (that person)...and for the first time, i cud actually see the authenticity in that someone's actions and thoughts....i was finally able to see.i hope i continue seeing...
guess there's really something in praying for your "enemies", heh....
also, here's a small part of what i wrote yesterday (extracted from my other blog):
been reading the prayer of jabez again, after not reading it for 4 years, since i have been confined to the bed since yesterday...and it's sparking off new challenges for me...challenges that god can do greater things than these...if only i ask. we'll see...
as for today, i have two observations:
1) most of the ppl in my circle who have friendster blogs actually just have empty blogs with nothing on them really.....seems like i'm the only one blogging. ?? i guess everyone's not as bothered as me to double-blog, or shud i say triple-blog.... 2) my gentle bear, the one who'd never hurt me, has given his sister a red (as opposed to black) aka. bloodied eye and an injured paw....him of all ppl! but my dad said he didn't really mean it..it happened today during one of his show-off occasions, cos he has this thing of pretending to act strong when ppl are watching, haha...but my parents seem to think she's ok, nothing serious...so i hope so too...cos my parents, well, they're not the type to go to the doc's, not even for serious stuff...ah, such is the lesson i can learn from them...next time, i'm definitely taking my kids / dogs to the clinic if they have prolonged ailments. by the way, as noticed, i am no longer confined to the bed...although still confined to the home to recover a little bit more though...which is great! er, ok...the fact that i'm happy, means there's much to beware....cos from experience, there's always something bad round the corner if you're growing in god...geez...hope it's not my worst fears come true! harh...i hope not
Saturday, April 23, 2005
brief update
well, it's been a week full of...i dunno lar. on one hand, i've had more miracles and seen the hand of god working in my life this week more than usual, but on the other hand i choose to feel miserable at times and bothered by my problems...but i'm glad He comforts me....and wow god really provides....
amazing miracles coming to fruition this week:
- god has provided my funding needs for the mission trip....in abundance!!! this sun my pastor told me the church wud support me (financially) fully...yes, the whole amount of sing dollars (n summore my church is in jb, so that amounts to more than twice the amount leh!) n also this week i have had a couple of friends contribute to my funding....hence the "abundance"!
- i PASSED my ad module!!! the one i was doomed to fail! wow i really felt humbled and yet grateful by His hand in this....for i knew i was not worthy of it....but then again i was never worthy of anything the Father gave me, and yet He still gave....
- god has provided me comfort in time of sadness in the form of human friends (see previous post)...instead of me looking for them, which i wasn't, he made them bump into me! i never even arranged to meet them or anything this time....the second time this happened, which was today, i was about to sit down, when i saw a familiar head on the other end sitting down on the other bench. i come over and find that i was right..thanks brother. i was about to feel low in spirit, and it really helped that God provided you just at the time when i was about to crack. later after both occasions, i felt, man, god really does listen to me...he really does care for me...and i also felt how real He was though those experiences.
also, this verse keep sticking in my head, since the last time i posted...."and He who calls you will do it, because He is faithful"....i don't remember which part of the Word it came from, and i don't know exactly what it means in relation to my life, but it is an encouraging thought indeed. and for this week, Hebrews 12: 1-14 (see previous posts) has been my constant encouragement booster and strengthener in living my life every day. somehow the verse never really left my head the minute it got stuck in there when i heard it at a fren's church.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
more pain
sighzers.......i "relapsed" again, so to speak....but i was never really healed of my old problem anyway....it's still taking quite some time...but better i fully "recover" than never really heal my whole life......
but wow....god really cares. today he did for me one of those "god" things, those i-know-it-was-You things that let you know He's god...i was sitting at my recently-found "hiding place", writing my heart out when someone from crusade found me. and of all ppl, it was her. no, she's not the one i'm having problems with, but....yeah....well i didnt expect it to be her. we jus chatted awhile, n i was about the end the conversation when she jus asked me one double-barrelled question: "what are you doing here and what are you writing?"
the next few moments i can honestly say i had no control over. i meant to give a short, one-worded answer, but i ended up bursting out uncontrollably...i cudn't stop for quite awhile -- and i look back in shame as i realise how embarassing it must've looked like to her bf --. it was like vomitting out tears.
so long story short, she prayed for me...and yeah, i felt better (for that timebeing) and went on my way. not that i told her everything, but i told her enuff to understand. part of why i was feeling hurt had to do with this:
picture this.
i arrived at the place super early on time. i was standing there waiting for my team to arrive...and nobody came for half an hour. so ok, i said, why not you guys call me when ur gonna push off? i messaged. n then like one hour later they call me to come and they've already crossed half of the compound to the other side already. i reach there like i just ran a marathon. my shirt is dripping wet...and wet in some terribly embarrasing areas.
ok, so i can forgive that. it was a misunderstanding, i reason. so i take some time to recover and i try to not let it affect me. by lunchtime i've forgotten it and i'm fine.
and then something else has to happen, something instrumental in causing part of my grief this evening: jump to scene two, where we're all sitting around a bunch of couches and sofas. the meeting's ended, and everyone's talking. that is, almost everyone. today i had the unfortunate chance of having to sit next to someone who clams up over every word i say (or every question i ask) and having the person i am more able to converse with on the far side of the sofas, out of reach to me. and the people in front of me, act like i'm not there. it was socially demoralising and dreadfully terrible. i felt like i was back in some horrible time in my past again.
i try to announce something to the group as a whole. they all look away, no eye contact and no attention save for one. i try to add to the conversation by talking to some individuals. but all i get is one-sentence answers...before the clique in front of me resumes their conversation and starts talking about their own stuff. and these are the people i'm supposed to spend my trip with? i ask silently. what did i get myself into? i hang around for another 30 mins. and after not much deviation from the current predicament, i decide to leave before wasting my time further. and my absence would not even have been noticed....until the adult leader asks where i'm going.
sigh....what a day. usually, i don't care about these things so much until it affects me so badly...but today was worse i guess. probably because i expected better of these people. sigh. and as i was enduring the cold shoulder treatment, my problem had time to resurface in my mind and run through my thoughts again. and that added to my misery.
i wonder how my trip's gonna go. i know now, in my "saner" mood, that i shud keep my eyes on Jesus and not on these people for the trip....that i shud strive to do god's work while i'm there and not lament that these people (well not all of them, but a certain number of them) don't really seem to want to be "united", at least in conversation.
i was also thinking of what my fren, aka. an outside observer of our team noticed yesterday. "Eh?" he asked. "This group seems to be split into two," he said, gesturing to our table and the table a few feet away from us as we were having what was supposed to be our "team lunch".
our team says they're gonna have a "personal retreat" next week. i'm beginning to wonder if it's even gonna be fruitful for me. i got a feeling i will remain tight-lipped throughout the whole thing, since the "clique" is so obviously indifferent to me.
as for the trip, i can foresee further reenactments of today's painful silence and coldness in the days to come as we co-habit together. i can foresee conflicts and inconveniences as 7 of us girls cram into one small pathetic room, while the only 3 guys unfairly get the same-sized room to themselves. i can foresee myself going into hiding many times as i try to find a place of my own or some venue for quiet time to speak to the One who hears me (insult intended)....and most of all, i can foresee a lot of pain. it's gonna be a rough trip. i don't know how i'm gonna handle it emotionally.
also, the fact that some other team is coming to stay with us is going to make it even more difficult for me to find my temporary solitude when the time comes. sigh. wish i could just go downstairs (if only it wasn't locked) and wear my heart on my sleeve as i pour out my emotions on the piano.....but sadly i was told there is no piano upstairs for that building....
and also, i am not particularly pleased with someone who keeps putting me down in a sense by using negatively-connotated choice of words in that someone's speech. that someone i think is seeing it from the point of enforcing a rebuke every time, but i see it as a letdown on that person's part. a friend is supposed to help, not to hurt. if your intention is to hurt then you might as well stop being a "friend" to me, because i really don't need to hear that right now.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
school attitude
how is it that my school intranet has a kid showing the F-word sign on its main webpage? i log on to my school site and not only do i find it revamped, but i find the person who designed this obviously does not know the universal sign for the all-too-famous F word. like, what other world is he living in? what will the parents think when they see our site? ah well....i guess whoever put the picture up probably confused it with the Swan sign, a symbol of peace, which is just one finger short of the current expletive being signified in that picture. whatever, i'm not too affected.
i cannot type much now because my brother is coming in and out of his room to blow his nose....he's got the flu too. see, this is what happens when you live with your family...if one suffers, the whole family suffers -- when it's contagious. bah.
yes, i'm referring to the fact that, before i sat down and had that communal flu-bug-passing dinner with my family on sat, i was fine. i was eating out every day. and then, i thot, hey, it's my responsibility to make the effort to bond with my family even if we don't get along well most of the time, so why not start going on outings with them?
by that time mom was having a sore throat and my bro was having the full symptoms of flu. after we came back from thrill-seeking rides i cud feel my throat getting sore already. anyway, long story short (i gotta go anyway cos it's been a tiring but satisfying week n i need the sleep to strengthen my immunity system), the sore throat progressed into a proper flu, n i was plagued by bouts of physical weakness and fatigue, coupled with the usual common cold symptoms, from then till now, but every single one of these days God has been my strength and i don't know how else i could've lasted this long if it wasn't so.
was helping out my fellow crusaders the past 4 days straight (distributing our materials during matriculation enrolment)...today was the last day....and every single day, i don't know how, but God gave me energy and sustainence for the day even though i arrived feeling sick each day (except today....so i think i'm starting to recover....hooray!). for example, yesterday i developed a headache on the bus to sch....well ok i admit that it was my own doing....but thank god the headache left me by lunchtime, as i sat in the peace of our crusade room and folded and packed booklets. hahaha...yeah, so in a way i sorta "rested" like that...but after lunch i was able to move out...and i admit, today has got to be the most "moving out", out of all the 4 days i was here. but i'm glad i did it....it feels such a privilege to be able to help in God's kingdom.
we got a whole lotta manpower help today in fact...more than any other days, so i wud say coverage was effective today. yup, we infiltrated and administered effectively on the battlefield...not just today, but all the other days as well....cos all i can say is, some of us, are very very good at our jobs of chasing ppl....hahaha. and no, i don't mean me....and yes, i mean it in a good way. God has been with us all the way....i can see how His hand has protected us these past 4 days. and praise be to god...i continually say, lest i inadvertently deflect some of that praise onto His creation or on circumstances.
i've been tired...both mentally and physically....but never tired enough to say it wasn't worth it....becos every bit of it was, and i would'nt have it any other way....well maybe perhaps i wud've made myself work better if i did....but yeah, i knew this was a good distraction....as well as a good way to put into practice this: seek first His righteousness and His kingdom, and all these shall be added on to you. man, i feel like singing "seek ye first" now, hahaha. i mean, i can't totally say that i've put myself all out for God, and i say this with shame, that i am not yet willing to die for Christ, but i can say that i've felt God being more real to me thru doing things for Him.
besides, the inevitable fellowship and bonding was fun....i got to noe a few crusaders better thru this teamwork / shared experience. and i got to make some new frens too with some malays who were helping out their cca too...it felt pretty comfortable conversing with them in Bahasa Melayu....it had the familiarity of my hometown in an "alien" country...if u noe what i mean. haha.
disturbed
it's another product of my thoughts..not a song but a poem.
DISTURBED
by jessica
i'm disturbed by your behavior
tell me how you live your lifestyle?
is it you, oh friend, who used to stand so pure
to fight for the right freedom,
to come into His marvelous light?
are you friend or are you foe?
i cannot tell,
you make it clear not.
all i know is what i see
and what you show me.
what happened in between?
how did you lose the battle?
how did precious ore become ash,
how did the faithful become unfaithful?
was there something i could've done
to stop you falling down into your big black hole?
why have the eyes that were once opened
closed to readily away
from the truth and the light
why has the soul so readily returned
to its selfish desires and allowed itself
to be envoloped by its inner demons?
was it because we did not pray enough for you,
was it that i did not watch you close enough,
or was it that you were meant to be judas?
are you gone forever?
i cannot tell,
you make it clear not.
all i know is what i see
and what He'll show me.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
simple
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. -Serenity Prayer
the person whom i refer to as my second mother, introduced this to me when i was in form 1 or 2 i think. she was teaching pendidikan moral or moral education at the time, and she always made it fun by adding topics and room for discussion about stuff not related to the stupid syllabus, which was (and still is) brainless.
this thought just popped into my head on sun when i heard the vineyard kids' representative sing a song she wrote, and it's sorta been stuck at the back of my mind for days after that: did it ever occur to you, jess, that God is coloring your life with experiences to give you more fodder to write about in your songs in future? not that this thought has never crossed my mind, but...i just sort of forgot about it along the way, just like i keep forgetting the basic principles of so many things. i need to constantly be reminded about what i just learnt in Christ.
and i was brought back to the memory of a tough time when i was struggling against opposition from all sides concerning my lousy SPM marks and the future of my studies, and when one friend wrote to me and told me that it could be that God was using these experiences to give me something to songwrite about later.
interesting indeed. i would like to pour out my feelings more and jot down what i've been wondering the past few days, but now is not the time, because once again my brother wants to be irritating and he refuses to sleep even though it is relatively late, therefore leaving me no privacy to write this (he keeps sneaking glances at this thing, the jerk).
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
stormy weather
sigh...have jumped fromt the frying pan into the fire these past two days, all because of my actions. some ppl think they know me so well...but they don't because i have not the heart to tell them the full story...sigh how did i ever end up this way...i can't help it when i look back at what i did...i feel so ashamed...this song is ringing in my ears...Father please forgive me and help me get thru this....
The Hardway
by dc Talk
Now I've been high and I've been low
I've been some places that you will not go
I never thought there would come the day
When I wished I never would've lived this way
But I've been searching for a long, long time
I thought the devil was a friend of mine
I turned my back on everything that was true
And wasted years that belong to you
(chorus)
Some people gotta learn the hardway
I guess I'm the kinda guy
That has to find out for myself
I had to learn the hardway, Father
I'm on my knees and I'm crying for help
It took so long for me to see
That I'm a victim of nature and me
Left to myself I realize
I am the maker of my own demise
But you accept me every time and again
And never mention just how selfish I've been
Why must it always take me so long to see
That I have fallen, but you will forgive me?
chorus 2X
The warning signs are like flares in the night
Still I proceed, my greed is in spite
of the fire I know that's bound to burn
Why is it that I always gotta learn...
The hardway, the hardway, I had to learn the hardway
The hardway, the hardway, I had to learn the hardway
Forgive me Father, please forgive me....
how did it come down to this? i ask myself. how did i end up having to do this in the end? sigh.........i wish i had never gone down this road....and i wish i never have to again.....but God, make Your way in me; Your will be done and not mine....if i have to go through this again, i have to. just help me be strong and give me a mind focused on You....
btw when i woke up today there was only one sentence stuck in my head, one which i had heard twice the day before on sunday: God helps those who help themselves. i'm still trying to figure out the magnitude of what that statement means.
and however horrible i've felt for my actions, i was indeed glad i attended the services i attended yesterday -- i felt i had to come, even though initially i felt like i didn't -- becos it gave me faith and insights i'm still hearing in the midst of all this pain. someone says i'm going through unnecessary pain. well, maybe i am. or maybe you don't know the whole story.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
“My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,”so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
-- Hebrews 12: 1-13
the other service i attended (my yf), but nearly didn't cos i didn't feel like it for certain reasons, also made me glad i did. we had a guest pastor from vineyard church...and he said he was baptised and confirmed as a pastor in our church. he had an amazing story to tell about his life...and i could see that his discipline and obedience towards the Lord shined through. he said that when he received christ into our church, his mentor (who still happens to be in our church and is now an aging father) said he must do 4 things everyday, and he said he believed these 4 things are essential for the mature, for the weak, for every type of Christian....and i believe it is too:
1)pray every day....as in talk to God
2)ask God at the start of the day, "what do you want me to do?"
3)read the bible
4)evangelise / tell someone about the gospel
i can honestly say the only thing that i've been consistent at is no. 1. and for everything else i haven't been so faithful in doing.
i feel a little better now, being reminded of these messages.
onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war;
with the cross of Jesus, going on before.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
tough day
i opened my mail today and this is what our crusade matriculation leader wrote today under the daily prayer list:
as matriculation is drawing near, let us take some time to pray especially for : - prepared hearts on our part that we will not let any other issues bother or distract us from what we have to do - charged up with enthusiasm as we seek to bring people to the Lord despite difficulties we may face or may have to face during this period.
well said, friend, well said. i was going thru this same struggle again today. not that i don't go thru it everyday, but today was one of my worse days.
but it's interesting to see how the sky always seems to magnificently beautiful when it's one of my tough days....maybe i appreciate it more, or maybe it just is so. it is always a comfort to look up in awe at the majestic canvas laid out above your head that leaves you utterly dumbfounded and empties your mind of everything -- all the troubles you had -- save for praise, and only praise for God's work of art.
i think that's how david must've felt whenever he looked up at the sky....i've always wondered how he cud praise god in troubles anyway. but the sky always blows me away....i agree with what my friend said a few years ago at yf...that sometimes he thinks that god made all the stars and heavens above...just for our visual enjoyment. seriously...it's like some kind of consolation to have something wonderful to look forward to when you're feeling less than good.
was pretty glad i went outdoors today for solitude and retreat...no more coffee houses for me, haha. at least not for today anyway. besides, at coffee houses it's not totally private, not really shut off from the world. but the only thing with the outdoor greens is...you gotta find a cool place to hide at, somewhere away from the sweltering heat. thankfully, i did.
but that's me now, slightly zoned out (it's too early in the night for my eyes to feel at rest when staring at this glaring screen) and somewhat tranquilised from pain. earlier on was a minefield.
i realised there are two kinds of people that handle stress. one, releases their explosives openly, by swearing, cursing, kicking and throwing things around and hurting the people around them. the other, internally implodes, and starts having suicidal thoughts, slitting their wrists, falling into depression, beating themselves up mentally and hurting they themselves. now, some of these examples are just extremes, to make the distinction between the two categories clearer.
more often than not i am the latter. i'm not saying that i slit my wrists or have jumped down any buildings, thank god, but i do beat myself up in a mental (as opposed to physical) way and instead of inflicting the pain on others i make myself suffer inwardly. i don't know...i just feel..so frustrated at myself sometimes. like i said, it shames me to know i cannot cure my own weaknesses. i should be handling this better, i say. why can't i be more forgiving, more tolerating, etc.? but then God comes into the picture and tells me "i am weak but Thou art strong"...."in my weakness You are glorified and Your strength shines thru"...."it is through weakness that i realise i cannot do anything with my own strength, not even improve myself and therefore i need You"....
so okay, i say. i need You. now what? what exactly do i do from the time i remain weak till the time You strengthen me? what do i do in the in-between? how do i prevent myself from going crazy just waiting for it to end? but i know that, when one hurdle is cleared, there's another just waiting round the corner. and it'll never end, it'll keep going on and on, this process of refining....until i reach eternal perfection. so what do i do with the time that is given to me (in gandalf's words)?
i don't have the answer yet. or rather i do but i'm finding it hard to accept it becos it's a risky concept.....i hear the word TRUST and FAITH calling out their names. especially faith....what is faith? to hope in something that is already available? to be assured of the things one sees at the present moment? it's hard to swallow initially...especially when the fear of things turning out for the worst looms ahead, but i believe what god's trying to tell me is, with practice, i can eventually learn to trust Him about my future.
it's like what i was told the day i missed the exam....if i can trust God to bring me to Heaven, why can't i even trust him with my future [or studies]? and then it's a full circle again...
i worry if things turn out badly -->i want to trust god completely-->how do i trust Him?-->just trust-->but i worry if things turn out badly (back to square one)
the only thing you don't see in this picture is the trust getting stronger and the doubt getting weaker. that's perfection growing...but it takes time. and for a person whose patience is no longer a virtue (it never fully was anyway..but it did erode thru the years), that piece of news is very hard to take. but i have my weak moments and my strong ones. it's like the last part in lotr: the two towers when sam says to frodo: goodness will pass, but so must darkness. and that song from my parents' time that says there is a time / season for everything, which was taken from the book of ecclesiastes. darn i always hate the last part: a time to die. still haven't gotten over my fear yet...haha.
blast!
can't relly type much cos i was up wasting time on the net again, so.....
briefly, i had fun today. got to forget what's troubling me, n to let loose n put pain aside just for once. i finally got my parents to bring us to danga bay....a place by the seaside which i have not been to for many months. man that place has changed.....
it used to be the good old pantai lido or lido beach, that stretch along the coast i used to walk along and play at when i was a child...and then the government went and developed the land and reclaimed some of the land from the water too...they turned it into the short-lived puteri lagoon, which died out due to neglect of upkeeping of facilities. n then they closed it n did some serious re-developing...n recently re-opened it, bit by bit. n now they've got all kinds of stuff there. looks so much better than puteri lagoon...and more high-class, esp the eating areas and the huge stageshow.
anyway, an international thrill ride company came into town n my parents said it was way better than the usual safety-threatening (is there even such a word? i meant a threat to safety) ones u get around town that just pack up and leave as fast as they set up their rickety stuff. n what a blast it was....i never had so much fun in my life for so long. okay, maybe i'm exaggerating, but boy do i sure miss the adrenalin-pumping, free-falling rides at genting. and besides, tonite was the first time in nearly 10 years since i've first stepped into a thrill-ride carnival. yup, you heard me. my parents have been banning me from going to carnivals ever since i was a kid...they call it a waste of money. so the only rides i have ever gone on are the ones that don't come out of mobile trucks....stuff that stays ard permanently, like the one in genting and the one in desaru (which is sadly, closed down now i think).
how is it so that they allow me to go for those rides? well, the thing is, they have no choice because we end up staying there for the nite.....so it's not like they can prevent me from going, can they? and they've started to open up to this going-to-thrill-rides thing since they had a shot at experiencing some of it in genting. not totally opened up yet, but starting to....
anyway, i had fun, especially with this crawler thing that swings with no stopping (think of an arm with fingers, but with the wristbone broken or a chandelier on a rod that throws it violently around from left to right in all directions and gets higher and higher in the air). pretty hot guys too, manning the booths....ang mohs. in fact, the two hotties manning the crawler were aussies......haha....
but i did something pretty lame tho...i dared my brother to sit on that crawler thing even though it relly took a lot of coaxing (and "bribing", as in, i subsidised his fee) to get him to.....n then it made him sick and made him throw up when we got home. i kinda forgot my brother's tolerance level is weaker...he's like my mom, he gets motion sickness easily.....i shudda guessed. cos before this he had never thrown up before at genting, when he sat all those rides....but they didn't involve much going-round-in-circles-and-spinning-faster-and-higher stuff. anyway i will never take him on a ride again....unless he wants to, heh.
Friday, April 08, 2005
watching time fly by
yet another day has gone by as i watch my life waste away....why do we humans procrastinate, slack and waste time so much? i guess it's something in us, some innate ability to wanna do nothing all the time. that's what the devil wants anyway, rite, to immobilise ppl so they can't do anything for God...ah the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak...
" In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord that determines his steps." --Proverbs 16:9
true, i totally agree. especially what with the recent about-turn of events last friday....speaking of which, the retake yesterday was...i got a lot to say. but i'm tired...n i want to dwell on today's revelation.
this is what i realised as i reviewed the day's activities briefly this night and came to the conclusion that once again my sloth and laziness has gotten the better of me:
all of us, at one point or another, use some form of escapism to escape the real world. yeah, we're all Cyphers at some point or another, cos sometimes the real world is just too hard to take and all we wanna do is get plugged in again and live in our artificial dreamworld.
yup, i was referring to the Matrix (the first one was the best)....and...yeah, it's true...i mean, when you seriously sit down and think about it, how many of us in this world actually have the guts to go out and do what we're supposed to do? be it our schoolwork, other work or god's work, how many of us actually put to good use each and every day of our lives and manage to accomplish what plans (i'm referring to the bible verse above) we have for the day?
and we humans, we have this thing for escapism. the real world sucks...so sometimes we hide ourselves in little coves of perfect-world fantasies because we just don't wanna face the harshness of reality. we immerse ourselves in simulation, fantasy and rpg games....read a book about some nowhere place where everything turns out right in the end....watch some tv teen soap where it has a better chance of a happy ending than in real life, or go to the movies to get our fix for that....we're always trying to escape the real world. at least that is what i find myself doing.
i'm doing that running away thing again...it's my natural, instinctive reaction i guess....if u read my previous posts, i was supposed to have stood still and said, stop, i am not going to run away when life gets tough. but i realise now that even though i don't have a getaway car and i haven't actually packed my bags and gotten my physical body out the door, i still try to escape in my mind. (especially with all these pc games..that's the reason why some of the games i love are those with stunning visual scenery.) and i hate it...cos it totally wastes your day, if you know what i mean. so ok, a little light relaxation for the mind is good...but not when it addicts you and causes you to feel too sluggish to do the things you're supposed to do.
ultimately i'm still coming back to this: without God, i can do nothing. i can have great plans for each day, i can meticulously calculate what i could possibly do with the next day's time and try to squeeze in the work i'm supposed to do, but if God's presence and favour does not rest upon me i might as well plan to fail. it reminds me of my own weakness every day that i am not able to motivate myself to do up my work and complete the plans i made for that day.
but reading spurgeon's "god loves you" again was rather reassuring. the first subheading in chapter 1 was...what else but "sustained by god"....and in it charles spurgeon himself, one of the world's great christian thinkers of the 20th century, can admit that he is not over with this battle yet (see below).
*note: the ones in brackets are what my words/opinions are,and the italicised or larger-font words are what i strongly relate to rite now
"You young people think, perhaps, that older Christians manage better than you do [yes]. you imagine that their experience preserves them, but, indeed, they cannot keep their own souls alive any more than you can [really?]. you tried and tempted ones sometimes look with envy upon those who dwell at ease, as though their spirituality was self-supporting [absolutely...it seems that way!]. however, they cannot keep their own souls alive more than you can. you know your own difficulties, but you do not know those of others."
and this bit i found particularly true, as i traipsed along the road of life in my walk with God:
"When you are sitting in God's house of prayer, you may dream that you can keep yourself alive there, but it is not so. you might sin the foulest of sins in your heart while sitting there, and you might grieve the Holy Spirit and cloud your life for years while worshipping among the people of God. you are not able to keep your own soul alive in your happiest, holiest moments. from your knees you might rise to blaspheme, and from the communion table you might go to the seat of the scorner (psalm 1:1) if you were left to yourself."
i found it reassuring in the sense that...hey, someone as well-thought of in the Christian world has gone felt this way too, so i'm not some kind of evil lone sinner or something. and of cos, it reminded me that i do not know the full story of everyone's life and that everyone has a tough time with problems too....
and i'm finding myself wishing i had a car again....i've always wanted to drive away and go somewhere quiet and think to cool off in times of stress. or at least take my car for a cruise on the north-south highway, with only the blasts off my stereo, the starry sky at night and my own thoughts to keep me company (and god as well, of course). and to drive and drive til i feel satisfied...and maybe stay at a motel somewhere along the way and have some time to think things through, away from all the people and problems back home (when i say home i don't necessarily mean my house or my family; i mean here in general). and then, to come back from that personal retreat and face the music when i feel ready.....i've always wanted to do that.
oh well.....the closest i've got are coffee houses, my temporary solitude. but they can't drive or give me the feeling of being able to take control of the wheel and move the car where it wants to (i think that lends a fair bit of thought to the subconsious need to take control of one's life). but ah....the road we traverse on earth is meant to be rocky. at least if we're growing Christians anyway.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
a miracle?
wanted to update this but as God (as opposed to luck) wud have it, the modem was down yesterday. i woke up yesterday and received a sorta miracle in regards to my ad module...but i dunno the full outcome of it yet so i dunno if it's a false hope or sth.
my faculty told me that i was allowed to retake the test, which is tmr morning...but i was told it's not for sure that my marks will be counted in yet....i was told that my marks n my letter (i gotta write a letter explaining why i missed the test) will be brought up to the board meeting for them to decide n discuss whether to pass me....so i don't know really.
all i noe is, since yesterday nite i realised that i can study like crazy, leave the house early on time, n the questions can be easy, or the teacher can be lenient....but if God does not allow it, i will still fail the module anyway. yeah...had some procrastination issues for way too long n i was beginning to wonder why all my efforts were not working...until yesterday my eyes were opened again to this old truth that it's not my strength or my abilities that enables me to do the things i do, be it study well or get good grades, or even play the piano...it has been God all along.
and this other old truth which i lost sight of was also imparted to me: when God speaks, His word does not come back empty-handed. it will come back bearing fruit...n unless God's word and favour and enabling rests upon me to pass this module, i never will. if He speaks and says i will fail, then i will, even though i have taken precautions and made preparations (see above). a jam could happen....the teacher mite mark strictly....i might jus have a blank mind and forget all i memorised....or the board cud jus decide to fail me....
without God, i can do nothing.
for "no man can keep alive his own soul..." (psalm 22:29 i think) and i was blind to see that i could.
Monday, April 04, 2005
jesus in ur life
i need some jesus in my life. the dc talk song, the live version of it sung at one of their best-recorded concerts, plays the tune of my life tonite. especially the pre-choruses....i can literally replace the word "you" with "I" and mean it....(i've emboldened those bits that just scream out "me" tonite.)
i mean, i know i always had jesus in my life, n always will. but have i really had the true jesus in my life? have i really felt the true identity of God in my life, not the version of God i have made that was restricted and conformed to my design in my mind? have i? yes. but rite now, i don't think so. becos if i did, i wudn't be so faithless right now.
faithless in what? faithless as in lacking the trust in Him that all will go well. i have allowed my circumstances to cause me to doubt God's providence and help in my life and in doing so, have panicked more often. it's no more what i used to be, how i used to feel....as in, my faith n strong trust in Him was in the past. but God is asking me to look at now....what does God mean to me now?
today's yf talk had many points but there was this one point that stuck out to me....he, some pastor or sth guy from youth alive malaysia, said: circumstances are unreliable; they will fluctuate, but God's plan for you will never fluctuate. that was like, wow, wake up jess, i think that finally got thru your thick head.
and in today's main service, we tried out an exercise i have never tried out for quite a few years....i was first introduced to it by an older brother bout 5 or 6 yrs ago....n then somewhere along the way i think i forgot or put it aside...today's topic was about love, so of cos the pastor put up the chapter in 1 Corinthians about love. n the exercise i'm talking about was....
look at the verses below. (1 Cor 13:4-8)
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.
replace your name with love.
n immediately i felt like a great big hypocrite...
jessica is patient, jessica is kind. she does not envy, she does not boast.....heck, i have failed in every aspect of love, so in that sense, i realised i had no love at all....i mean, no perfect love. ok, so we're all imperfect, but still....there is a certain limit to these things, as imperfect as we are, and as i filled my name in, i realised i have allowed myself n my emotions to get the better of me, so much so that i am not exuding the best god has made me to be here on earth. probably the closest i can come to love is in verse 6.
be aware that i am talking of myself in terms of who i am right now. i might have been more patient, kind and less envious, boastful, etc. but that was last time. my values have eroded and now i have become a sort of love-less monster in the eyes of God. i mean, seriously, these days i do not even try to be patient anymore and my kindness has become rather selective. i am more prone to enviousness n feeling inadequate whenever i'm in rich surroundings and man i am such a big boaster when it comes to all my little pathetic problems....ok yes i was talking about yesterday. i still feel bad...and stupid for that.
which is why as of today i will shut up for now and stop letting ppl noe bout what happened on friday. the "quota" is up...haha....those whom i did not get a chance to speak to i will no longer speak to about this matter. well, unless they ask.
i allow myself to get easily angered and easily riled up, even over little things like ppl cutting the queue in front of me at customs, or ppl stepping on my toes n the bus n stuff......i do not even give myself a chance to cool down anymore....i jus allow my anger to take me wherever it takes me....n then i end up doing and saying things i regret later. i mean, oklah, in that area i do place a certain amount of restriction....but it's not enuff.
n i cud go on and on but i have to sleep now.....and stop keeping myself up by doing useless things these days......i say i want to do something, but i end up doing something else. it's getting worse these days.....it's like every time i want to do what i know i must do, i suddenly feel the urge to put it off and do something else.
Like It, Love It, Need It
by dc Talk
Under these circumstances, they can hardly cope
Notice their fleeting glances and their lack of hope
I offer this suggestion, they don't seem to care-o
This is my generation, drowning in despair-o
You'll never find peace of mind in your pool of self
You'll never find peace of mind in a sea of wealth
You'll never find peace of mind in your rock and roll
You'll never find peace of mind if you sell your soul
(chorus)
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need some freedom from the strife
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need some Jesus in your life
We circumvent our feelings through an angry sound
He who complains the loudest, wears the fattest crown
We're anti-everybody, call it paranoia
Well I ain't no judge or jury, but I'm praying for ya
You'll never find peace of mind in your lucky charm
You'll never find peace of mind on a hippie farm
You'll never find peace of mind in a one-night stand
You'll never find peace of mind in your superman
chorus
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need it
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need some Jesus in your life
Like it, love it, need it, don't leave it
Like it [don't you like it?]
Love it, need it [don't you need it?]
Don't leave it
Ya dropped right into the middle of a freak attack
Cause we're back and we're comin' like that
Ya see we're lowerin' the boom in the middle of the tune
Cause the funk is always heavy where it's at
And while you're whining all the time
Never changing any minds
It is clear to see your lip has lost its button
Cause if ya take a think at this
Then it's easy to admit
That the selfish way you're livin' is for nothing
[it ain't for nothing....we only got about 70 years....you know it ain't for nothing]
You gotta like it
You know you need some freedom from the strife
You gotta love it
I know you need some Jesus in your life
chorus
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need it
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you, God knows you need it
You gotta like it, you gotta love it
I know you need it
Some Jesus in your life
Jesus in your life
Sunday, April 03, 2005
digging deep
started thinking deeply today about what happened yesterday...n the questions posed to me yesterday relly got me pondering a long time over my cup of latte. yes i went back to my favorite place: the coffee hse. i cudn't resist it since i was in the area anyway. but this time i didn't sit in the coffee hse...i went somewhere much quieter but still nearby...n thought things thru.
what does God mean to me?
i know what god should mean to me, i know what people n the bible say what god should mean to me, but what does God mean to me? what is wrong with my belief system that has caused me to lose my faith (not completely) in His plans? why am i relying more on the things are certain instead of the things that are not?
i went to that super rich school today....but that's besides the point, n i dun wanna get myself into another sinkhole again by allowing my envy to resurface.....i went to that sch today, n the guy who was speaking that sermon....there was one part where he mentioned how jesus had to make the tough decision at gethsemane, n where when jesus previously said "thy will be done", it wasn't so hard cos jesus' will was also the Father's will, but now that it wasn't, jesus had to obey n submit to the Father's will. yeah, i got that yesterday i guess.
i remember being close to failing earlier in the sem (u can see all my previous posts for proof of that), n how i prayed i wud not end up failing *any* module this sem....n yesterday how wryly that very recollection came back to me as i was lying on my bed n thinking about what jus happened. the daily bread [reading for yesterday]...didn't seem to help. it said...."are you being broken today? has the dearest thing in your life been torn away?" it has been ages since the daily bread readings relate directly to the day's happenings. it used to happen like...every time. so much so that, i even joked that the daily bread was the predictor for what was gonna happen to me today.
ok, so studies is *not* the dearest thing in my life....actually i don't care even if i fail.....but yes i was broken....not jus by that but by other incidents in my life as well....n it jus culminated into a peak point that was yesterday....
today i can say that i am much calmer. more sane about the whole failing-the-module thing. n i noe it's not even me that's making me react this way.....thank ye all who have prayed for me. argh....i feel like a hypocrite again....esp when i think i'm dramatising something that, after some thought, isn't so terrible after all n i ask like tons of strangers to pray for me. yeah that didn't feel good.....i don't publisise my prayer requests like that usually....it's not in my nature to do so.
but i dunno....whether i feel bad or not, all i noe is prayer is working. i can honestly say that this is not the real me....and i am surprised at the way i've taken the news....this is not me at all. this is like someone else taking over the controls and braving the world for me. someone like the Holy Spirit....
rite now, after much personal assessment, i realised i am not worried for myself today. what i am worried about is how my parents will take it. i am worried about their reaction, not about me. becos i asked myself....am i ok with failing the module? check. do i trust god to provide the money somehow if/when the scholarship gets revoked? check. am i ok with _______________? check.
it's jus left with how my parents will react that worries me. currently it's too early to say that i'm safe from....the storm. i'll have to wait til sch starts again n we know what happens to the scholarship to see their full reaction to this whole thing.
but yeah today drew out some deep thoughts about my inner core....what i really believe in, what concepts i think in terms of. and what really happened in there....in my inner core...what is the actual root of the problem....cos this is all jus the tip of the iceberg.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
zapped to reality
is it jus me or has it got sth to do with spiritual warfare? i dunno....but here i go again, being very ignorant of sth again n having grave consequences in the process. do u noe how much damage u can do in 1 day? i failed my advertising module today....confirmedly. all becos i did one silly mistake...i thot the test was at a later time. n i did not even bother to double-check the time last nite....i jus trusted my short-sighted eyes since last wk. n then i come to sch today n find out that the exam is over n my ad teachers are showing me the "zero" sign with their fingers.
oh teachers (esp the female one)...you'll love to see me next sem again....love to pick on me again like u seemed to do so at times this sem....ah well...my only "retort", a weak one at that, is that at least this time when u pick on me n ask me hard questions in class, i'll be able to answer all of them cos i've been thru the whole module before. ah well....
had a tough time initially today....struggling to....do something about my predicament....to save myself, so to speak...to resort to unscrupulous extreme measures to save my sorry ass....but in the end, i did the right thing. not of my own strength, but god's. i think the invisible bonds from the power of prayer were reaching out to me too strongly today....becos i admit i'm not always this honest....
so anyway, the ending of this story is that i fail my ad module. full stop. or is it a comma? i think so. i think i've heard it countless times today that god has a plan for me...that god has a reason (even if i don't) for this to happen....and i can think of many reasons....which one? i was reminded to dig deeper. well, i dug. and of cos i asked god. n so far i've come up with 2 answers...
2 answers to remind me that i'm not as well-equipped to handle calamities as i thot i was...well at least i thot i was beginning to learn to. so who's the Big Guy now? He tells me. were you ever in control of your life anyway? and anyway i realised (but did not integrate into my system) that the battle to submit and surrender ALL to god is there to fight everyday....because our human souls require purification and our minds require renewing every single day, due to our inner nature wanting to resurface again....was reminded verbally of that today, thanks.....
a lot to learn, a lot to learn....call it what you will: a zap back to "reality" in god's eyes, a wake-up call, a test.....it's basically hinting that there is much to learn from the Most High. no wait...it's not even hinting, it's flashing brightly with a huge red warning sign that is only one short breath away from duh.
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