|
|
|
read between the lines
who's a happy goth? but before i leave, i cudn't resist (heheh....). cos it's been in my head all day, whether i'm wearing earphones or not. n yes, i'm playing it on repeat now ;). i tell you, it is one of the most beautiful oldie-sounding songs i have ever heard. for sure i'm gonna burn this one.....n if i ever see this in the store i mite be tempted to buy it :).THE HAPPY GOTH by the Divine Comedy "The lonely road you choose to travel on, it must seem awfully long. Innocence all gone, It must be wrong to hide your lovely face away. That music you play, I'm not saying it's bad, it just seems terribly sad. Is everything all right? I'd like to think you'd tell me if something was wrong". Well her clothes are blacker than the blackest cloth And her face is whiter than the snows of Hoth. She wears Dr. Martens and a heavy cross, But on the inside she's a happy goth. "Don't worry Mum, don't worry Dad. The hours that I spend alone are the happiest I've ever had". That's what she'd say if she ever spoke to you, But it's something she can never do. 'Cos it's only by herself that she'll find out What makes her different from the rest. Well her clothes are blacker than the blackest cloth And her face is whiter than the snows of Hoth. She wears Dr. Martens and a heavy cross, But on the inside she's a happy goth.
my advertising teacher sux i feel morose rite now. what had been a pleasant and peaceful evening now turns to slight worry and stress. my advertising teacher.....he really really has no heart. remember that time i said he was an insensitive jerk? well, today just confirms it.....n yes, it has got sth to do with my ad analysis assignment. i mean, how was i to know he collects papers till 2.30pm today?! i only handed in my ad at 3.30pm....i mean, he didn't even warn us thru email or sth! n to top it all off, i am ALREADY one day late (see previous post).....n now what does this mean? two days late, just becos i handed it in past 2.30 today? that means 20% off (from the total, which amounts to 20% of my grade) my ad assignment!!!! mite as well fail this one!!!!i relly relly relly dunno. all i noe, is he posted up this stupid alert on my sch's online noticeboard saying "as of 2.30, the following ppl have not submitted their ads..." now i gotta wait for his reply to my email. n i'm almost sure he's gonna reply: "yes, you now have 20%, not 10%, shaved off your assignment. so u can expect to fail this assignment." will i even pass this module after i receive the shocking, almost-confirmed news? i really don't know!!! sigh.....sigh.......sigh........sigh.........sigh. n another thing i want to rant about: this stupid disgusting chinese man in the blue shirt....he like, nearly molested me in the bus. filthy filthy man....first, he was in such a rude rush to get into the bus at kranji, that he just cut the queue i was in and slammed into my hair when i was getting up the bus. jerk! n then, when i get up, this disgusting man kept keeping his butt in contact with the side of my hips. like, yucks! cos the bus was packed n we were all standing up....n everytime the bus braked, this horrible man was the only jerk who slammed into me n didn't even bother trying to avoid me. it was like he was trying to sidle up to me.....i felt so terribly disgusted. euughh......n it's not like i cud do anything this time, cos my bag was slung on the other side of my shoulder (on my right), and the bus was packed in such a way that i was only able to use my right hand to hold on to the railing. so i cudn't use my bag to protect me this time. anyway, he is a sick, horrible man. he's up there among the perverts at customs....i mean, sure, i've felt worse pervs coming on to me before, but he's definitely one of them, even if his wasn't so aggressive. but other than these 2 horrible things, today went rather fine. i did get to spend some quiet time alone (n some with god too la), so it's good that my procrastinating side of me didn't come out there. but i still felt.....like i shud've spent more time praying, esp in some areas. but somehow i felt rather uncomfortable praying in such a moderately busy place.....so that's why i'm gonna stay up super late tonite for a different reason (that is, to continue my conversation with god) ;). anyway i feel so stressed when i think about my ad assignment.....n u can be sure that is one of the things i'm definitely praying for tonite. sigh.....it makes me sweat when i think about it....i mean not relly sweat, but i can feel i'm so stressed that my blood somehow feels warmer, y'noe? that's how i feel when i'm stressed.....n the most it can go is it can make me sweat and shake uncontrollably like i have a tick or sth....but nope, don't think i'll let myself panic so much until like that tonite..... but, placing that aside for awhile n coming back to my topic about feeling uncomfortable talking to god in public....yeah...tonite i relly wished once again that they actually did have that concept that they have in japan.....rentable cubicles or rooms....with plush sofas, a coffee table n a few comics inside.....n available drinks n snacks on call. yeah, i saw that in japan hour i think, a few years back.....sigh. i really really would love a room of my own, even for a day. i mean, even my sch library, those partitions....they're not soundproof, i realised, which relly sucks. cos not only can you hear someone's laptop music playing in the next partition n someone else laughing away in the next, but they can hear you too when you pray. ok, so rooms like that do somewhat exist in singapore.....n they're called hotel rooms, hahaha....but they're so out of my budget!!! n super costly, even for the cheapest room in a safe neighbourhood.....becos sing money is more than twice the currency here anyway.......it's relly too bad i can't stay on my own in singapore. or anywhere on my own, for that matter. (anywhere that's near enuff to return to my dogs i mean) i'm dead meat i'm so slaughtered. i dunno what's got into me this sem....mebbe it's the fact that i didnt have an emergency plan for emergencies...but somehow i got my dates messed up n i forgot 2 crucial things today:
n the worst thing was.....i totally forgot or was not aware i got the dates wrong until 8 or 9pm, when all was over. sssssssshittttttt. cos for no. 1, it's the module i've been absent the most for previously, all becos of those stupid traffic jams at the causeway (go read my earlier posts). yes, even a taxi failed to help. i think this is the 4th time i'm marked as absent......which means this is my quota....i shud expect a warning letter in my mailbox soon. which means.....i am really gonna DIE if i get absent for this module again. DEBARRED is the word.....shudder. my parents wud kill me if i even graduated 6 mths later. n i'm not sure i can guarantee that i'll never be absent again. it's only jan....i've got feb n march left in sch.....who's to say i might suddenly miss the next class due to unforseen circumstances? think the next time i relly gotta get an mc to cover myself, die die must try. i hate to lie, but if it means debarrment....i think i'd save my ass. n for no 2, well one day late means i jus got 10% of my 20% of that assignment shaved off tonite. jus finished it...which is why i'm still up. ok, so i won't fail the module. but i sure don't wanna get a D (or lower)! sigh. what happened was.....my palm pilot's charger was found to be faulty, like 3 weeks ago, n everytime i call the stupid shop they say they'll order it, it's on the way, all that crap.....but i NEVER get it back. which means no charger = no battery life = no powered palm pilot = all my dates for deadlines n such can't be viewed. which is why i mixed up the dates or totally forgot bout today's 2 things. i had been surviving on writing things on scraps of paper, which i lose anyway, cos i thot i was gonna get the charger back from the stupid shop......but i guess not. n i didn't think of a contingency plan for unavailable palm pilots. shitttt........this leaves me with no choice. tomoro is reform day. i pray i can have the drive n discipline to sort things straight out tmr. tomoro i'm gonna buy myself a diary planner, even though i had been putting it off cos i thot the palm charger wud return, but i see now i can't let myself DIE again....i absolutely CANNOT face debarrment! my parents will murder me n cut me up into little pieces! i'll never hear the end of it! n tomoro i relly relly RELLY gotta spend more time with god. n since i'll be out tmr, i'll probably have a quiet dinner with god. i need it...cos these days being stuck at home is....not conducive enuff to pray. it's either too hot in the afternoons, or my dad is busy doing something outside the hse at the back, which, most unfortunately, happens to be where my room is situated. n since my room isn't soundproof, i don't exactly feel comfortable knowing my dad's around when i'm praying.....i don't even feel comfortable playing music when i know he's there. n i can't even talk out loud.....cos what i want to say in my prayers is so not what i'd want my parents to hear....i mite as well jump down the bridge if i let them read my mind. but a side note..i've been listening more to The Divine Comedy....n i relly mus say it ROCKS (even tho it's not even rock). yup, if u guessed it, i am listening to it now....i'm starting to get used to such a light but rich baritone voice coming from someone who doesn't even look big or burly or anything (btw he's attractively lean on the CD cover where i first saw him, heeh). n one thing about his music that relly stands out.....this is definitely not music that sounds like it's from our times. (n yet it was released last yr, with songs recorded from 2001-2003). he has this old crooner's voice, sort of like those old male singers u hear being played on ur parents' vinyl records (btw our record-player got spoiled a few yrs back)....n the blending of it with not-totally-orchestral (as in not relly classical), not-totally-pop kinda tunes jus makes it a delightful thing to savour, like some unusual ice-cream that tastes nice or sth. when i played it on my laptop while doing my work in front of my mom, i asked her n she did agree that it sounded a lil like it came from her time.....those big band kinda sounds, those half-broadway-ish kinda tunes, with the trombones at the chorus n stuff like that....n there's this song, called "the happy goth", which isn't even goth music at all....it's this nice bossa nova, jazzy kinda song....relly nice to listen to, n his voice fits in relly nicely with that kinda mode. n the way he tells stories thru his songs.....the imagery is very wide, with lots of visual pictures coming to mind when i listen to his lyrics....very pleasant experience, altogether. oh shitt.....it's 4.45? man i relly gotta set my priorities rite....let's hope reform day tomoro relly does pan out....n let's hope the procrastinating side of me stays suppressed, at least for tomoro..... going back in focus i worried so much tonite that i had a stomach ache. i jus had a cuppa milo to clear it off....n some time to realign my focus.why on earth does He create ungrateful, unsettled ppl like me? n how does he love a person who cannot handle pressure under fire? i have to keep reminding myself that the Refiner is tending the fire, so even as i am tested i won't get badly burnt.my earlier posts look like products of anger n unsettledness.....and a clear sign that i lost my focus once more...my focus on god. he was not at the epicenter of my life today, which was why i developed an external locus of control today (it's jus some psychology term i learnt meaning that i let the circumstances around me control how react). earlier on i dragged myself back n did not rest until i reached the bed n slept. had some dinner, then jus slept. felt very very tired n weary...n somewhat half-awake on the trip back home. i fell asleep on the mrt, thank god i didn't miss my stop. usually i hate sleeping, cos i have a tendency to feel sluggish n like, relly unwilling to get up, but today i had no choice. i was tired mentally n physically. n this is the 2nd time since last wk where i've attributed "perfect peace" (Isaiah 26:3) to physical sleep. cos last wk there was point in time where i was having my usual quiet time after dinner, or trying to, but failing....cos the cafe i was at started playing loud music that day (different working shift -> different bunch -> different music), instead of their simple soft tunes......so i walked over to the SIM library n got one of those empty corner cubicles to pray....n i remember feeling really unsettled, almost to the point of cracking....n i prayed for "perfect peace" according to that passage....n i didn't even see this coming, but all i noe is i fell asleep. n i got up on my own bout 20 mins later feeling better n more refreshed. n i'm not even the type who allows myself to sleep (outside of sleeping time)! today i had trouble getting up, once again....my mom was like forcing me to get up n bathe at 11.40pm....so i got up. tried not to bathe so long like i usually do, then prayed....but it was a prayer of worry, cos i felt relly unsettled. n then i realised why....cos i wasn't trusting god enuff to let my prayer items go. i was still holding on to them n i was still worrying over them....n i was reminded once again that to worry means to lack confidence in god, lack trust in him that He'll get the job done. n i was reminded once again that no, the world was not created by me, and no, i'm not in charge of the things on this earth, God is, and i don't have to feel like i have to do something to make it right because that's God's job. all i have to do is say the word (pray) n be in agreement with His will....n let Him do the working, cos it's not in my position or power to do these things. turn your eyes upon jesus look full in his wonderful face and the things on earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. it's funny that i only learnt or was able to remember the song thru a newsboys remix of this old hymn. but it's worked well for me to remember cos it'll jus be one of the things popping into my head under times of unsettledness. heh, mebbe there shud be more CCM bands singing remixes of old hymns, then it can help me remember them. hahah.... i also found sth interesting in my mailbox a few days back which a fren sent....it was actually a list of points containing repeated words like "have you ever?" and "that's god" but i dun relly feel the rest r applicable to be posted in here now. the one point that made me point to me n say, hey, i know this one! was: Have you ever been down and out and nobody seems to be around for you to talk to?
THAT'S GOD wanting you to talk to Him. i had to learn that the hard way. but then again, nothing great's ever achieved if one takes the easy way out. which is why i keep on saying that i wanna escape from this place. sometimes i feel like i want to flee my body, flee this earth, flee the troubles and problems and worries that overcome me. i don't wanna be around 'when the strong wind blows' n the 'sea billows roll', i don't wanna be around to see the 'waves and thunder come crashing down on me'...but i have to stand my ground n be resilient. n besides, i shud stick around anyway, so i can see the 'sunshine after the rain'. ok, i jus wrote two sentences containing parts of lyrics lifted off from various songs...they jus came into my head n seemed to click together...hahah. n i feel like putting one of the songs up here now...it's one of my old favorites.
WALK ON WATER by Audio Adrenaline Simon Peter, won't you put those nets down, Follow me, I'll lead you out of this town to a place where no boat has ever been I will make you a fisher of men. Jesus walked out on the water,
If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on water.
Tread on the sea and walk on the water Step where he steps and go where he goes Side by side when the sea billows roll. I'll be alright when the wind comes I'll be alright when the waves come crashing I'm not afraid for this is my father's world. If I keep my eyes on Jesus, I can walk on water. If I keep my eyes on Him, I can walk on water. ok, ok, i'm leaving...soon p.s. i found this unusual CD today a few hrs ago here in the library by this guy's band called "the Divine Comedy".....n it's weird but attractive music. i checked this guy out, neil hammond, on his official page, n was surprised to find he's been ard for some time cos i've never heard of him. i only borrowed his cd cos the cover showed a rather attractive-looking british kinda person (him) sitting on some antique, aristocratic-looking sofa.in fact all his pics inside have him against the background of some posh rich antique-furnished place. n it fits with his music...i guess. his music is....weird. he plays a lot on what i call unusual chords, or in musical terms, the augmented n diminished chords....n it sounds a tiny bit like some version of classical music veering between the romantic era n the 20th century era, cos there's a lot of orchestral instruments used as the background, like violins n such. but the fact that there's vocals on the tracks breaks the trend...n distinguishes it from classical music, which, bah, i never liked. cannot stand it. it goes on for hours and hours and hours...i used to call classical music the "sleeping pill". n the other unusual thing about this guy's album is...his lyrics...when i read them out, they're more like a story or a poem in each track instead of a song. n the songs...they rarely have the same lyrics to the chorus. so this mysteriousness of weaving a story into a song (n passing it off as a song)....fascinates me n incites my curiosity.....makes me wanna listen more. which is why i'm taking it home. it's good stuff to listen to at first "sight". ok, so i'm off!
dazed and delusional i don't wanna go back. there's nothing to do here but still i don't wanna go back. i don't ever wanna go back. i wanna run.....run.......run...away from home, life, school, people, whatever. i wanna hide in some nowhere place under the canopy of thin-leafed trees and bright sunlight, where nobody can find me. n where i'll only come out of my shell after everything has passed me by.some kind of bubbling brook, some kind of stream. some kind of simple life to live as if in a dream. somewhere to take shelter under, somewhere to hide, unknown. somewhere to take cover, in the midst of nature, alone. yawn. zap! n i'm back to reality. sigh. i'm so light headed and half-awake now i feel half-drunk. my test has ended, n i've gotten my 2 group projects handed in, so there's nothing to do here now....but i don't wanna go back. i jus feel like...staying, delaying, trying not to go home so soon. i wish i could hide somewhere where no one can find me. i'm so sick of the stresses of life. i was 15 mins late for my financial planning test today (yes, media students have to learn boring businessy, math-ish stuff too). all becos of the stupid jam on the causeway again. sometimes i dunno why i get up so early anyway if i noe i'm gonna end up taking a taxi. i hate travelling to n fro from here. getting stuck in the jam for one hour plus sucks. taking the same boring old bus journey home sucks. getting scolded and naggggggged at by my mom for wasting money on the taxi fare sucks. and encountering bastardious taxi drivers like today definitely suck. this stupid uncle, from citycab, made me so mad today. picture this: it's 9.45am, ur waiting at the kranji mrt taxi stand for a phantom taxi, n ur test starts in 15 frickin' minutes' time. n suddenly this taxi comes. thank god, you think. and then suddenly this ass from nowhere barges in n hops into the taxi. you'd think that even in a strict place like singapore the uncle wud at least have the guts to chase the man out, especially when u open the door n tell the uncle that that idiot just cut the queue n u have a test in (now) 10mins n u simply must rush to school. but nooooo, no, this uncle has to be so......urgh!.....i dun wanna say anything, lest more verbal rubbish come spews out of my head......but, the uncle jus said "i'd like to help u, but i can't." what the? you think. what do u mean u can't? heck, ur the adult here! it's more like u WON'T, not u CAN'T. n then he jus drove off like that. i was so incensed n outraged that i called up citycab, his taxi company, to complain. n also to book another taxi, of course. the taxi i booked was the ONLY taxi that came. n i got charged 3 bucks extra for booking n i arrived 15 mins late (but thank god i was still allowed to take the test), n my mom's gonna kill me when she finds out. crap. i have no mood to lie to her these days...i jus tell her the truth. cos if i dont my conscience will kill me. n i wasn't pleased with yesterday nite too. my family forced me to eat out with them even though i didn't want to. i didn't want to because i recalled last wk's episode of fighting over nothing...n besides, i was starting to fall asleep from waiting for dinner which never came. i dunno what's with them. why force me to have dinner with them if we all know we're gonna end up fighting anyway? there's no such thing as a decent meal with us. my dad will be sure to say something sarcastic or something relly unfair that makes me see red, n then we'll all fight with words. it's so hard to give in. it's so hard to submit, for one of us to say, okay, let's jus stop this, regardless of who's in the wrong. it's just...so...hard...to forgive the people whom you're supposed to love the most. i don't wanna talk about it. it's too stressful. i half-wish rite now i had gone to kl or australia like the rest of my frens, which wud have left my parents no choice but to let me go...let me stay on my own....leave me alone...give me peace. seriously, yesterday, when my parents were being unreasonable (haha...now it's them, not me), i was thinking to myself this familiar old thought that had i been staying on my own now, i could have avoided so much trouble and heartache and shouting n stress n anger mixed with pain. i would have been able to truly say that home was a place to relax, n not outside. i've always said it's ironic that for me, it's outside of home n not home, where i find myself most at peace, most able to relax. it's like i don't belong, which i don't. n my parents weren't the only ones driving me to my grave. two words: "group" project. i relly relly hate it how almost everytime I end up with the bulk of the work. it's as if i'm the rubbish bin or garbage dump, n ppl dump their work to me. i was asking yesterday as i rushed along, looking for papers here n there in my room, why me, god? why me? why is it (almost) always me? do i look like a rubbish bin to you? does my hair resemble bits of trash? i dunno why is it that i seem to be the only one caring about how many marks i'll get for some of these "group" projects. n so, to save my ass, i do the work. this is outright blackmail! on top of that, my parents got back late, n i hadn't even started studying for my test yet! i mus admit i had a mini-breakdown yesterday....n then i started unloading all my luggage to god. it took me a few mins to steady myself n get back to work, but i did...with some coaxing of switchfoot's "learning to breathe" cd. man oh man oh man oh man.....either i need some anger management classes or i haven't done quiet time yet, which i haven't. ok, i relly need to force myself to go home...i noe i have to anyway. n i feel this cloud of tiredness / sleepiness hanging over my head anyway...but i think i'd better make myself do quiet time n sit down n pray properly, or i'll be relly unsettled all the way home. i jus wanna sleep n never wake up. or wake up in someplace else. thank god i've got no classes at least..............but there's so...much...work...to do. what if i stumble? i decide to put this up since i'm playing this song now n i keep repeating it cos it's getting stuck in my head. it's one of my old favourites, though not as favourite in my list as in my fren's list, who's a fellow hardcore dc talk fan (sadly, these ppl are rare on this side of the world). this fren, he used to keep playing it on the guitar like everytime until it was a bit sickening, hahaha....i heard the accoustic, "live" version of this first n loved it jus like that....without even knowing, when i found out much later, that the original recorded version sounds way better than the "live" one (of cos lah, since it's got added sound effects like the tapping of the triangle-shaped metal instrument thing we used to learn in primary sch). n yeah, throughout my years of adolescence here, i've relly found this song to be true, especially the quote rite in front before the song starts (see below). i've had a lot of ppl, including my dad, tell me that christians are hypocrites. n that's sad....cos not everyone is. n the thing is, no one's perfect, we all make mistakes, which is the very essence of this song: what if i stumble? what if i fall, make a mistake, do a wrong? this song speaks of the fear of it.....what's gonna happen if i make a mistake? what will people say about christians in general then, jus because i, as one person, stumble (lyrics: what if i make fools of us all?) ? what happens after that? will god still love me n accept me as i am? (n the answer is, he will. lyrics: You are my comfort and my God) the lyrics relly rang in my ears when i heard this song becos that was around the same time when i was coming back to god, back in my early teens. n back then.....life was pretty messed up. things were.....let's jus say life wasn't too rosy then. not that it is now, but last time it had more thorns in the root of society. n this song comforted me n assured me that my wrongdoings were forgiven fully, that i need not feel ashamed to come back to my Father. it still does have an effect on me, when needed. WHAT IF I STUMBLE? by dc Talk "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, Then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford? You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains Holiness is calling in the midst of courting fame. Cause I see the trust in their eyes Though the sky is falling They need Your love in their lives Compromise is calling What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble, what if I fall? (You never turn in the heat of it all) What if I stumble, what if I fall? Father please forgive me for I can not compose The fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Do they see the fear in my eyes? (Are they so revealing?) This time I cannot disguise (all the doubt I'm feeling) What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble? Everyone's got to crawl when you know that You're up against a wall, it's about to fall Everyone's got to crawl when you know that I hear You whispering my name (You say) "My love for You will never change" (never change) What if I stumble, what if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble, what if I fall? You never turn in the heat of it all What if I stumble, what if I fall? You are my comfort, and my God Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
perks i'm smiling n grinning n the world is happy! well, temporarily, anyway (i meant me, not the world). here's a few things that perked me up quite a bit (but they've all got nothing to do with me):
speaking of tests n assignments n stuff, i relly felt like i got a personal present from god when i got back my feature outline 1 on wednesday (for my feature writing class). i remember doing it pretty last minute a few wks back...on the last day itself, n i was feeling relly desperate n praying all the time, asking god what he wanted me to write about. i finally agreed on what he suggested to mind, though i didn't relly have faith i cud pull it off. i decided to do a feature on Gen12ii, which is an upcoming Crusade mission trip project i'll be taking part in. i relly expected to get an F...but when i got the paper back, i felt relly touched by what god did for me...i mean i felt god in a personal way, a sort of way which i don't remember experiencing yet. i expected to fail n i got a C for it....n i got minus-ed by a few marks summore cos i handed it in late that day....n i still got a C. i cudn't believe it. it relly got my heart....it was like God handed me a buncha flowers with a card inside that said "I love you (or i jus wanna do something nice for you). Love, God." i felt relly touched. i kinda forgot about it until i took it out of my bag tonite n looked at it....it's a real miracle, cos i wasn't even sure how the lecturer marking my paper was going to take a religious feature like that. i mean i tried to address it in an objective way, but it had obvious religious undertones. i thanked god immediately...but no one else relly knew or understood how i felt, cos they didn't feel what i felt. i think things like these are good to recall....it keeps me going in the race towards the end goal where god is. another thing that's new bout my life i guess is the fact that i've been sleeping with the NYP toy starfish since the day i got it on their open house on wednesday. n anyone who noes me noes that i don't usually take to stuffed toys. but this was one of the rare exceptions. to tell the truth, actually when i saw the starfish packaged in plastic in my goodie bag i was like, great, a stuffed toy. are they trying to cut budget or win the hearts of secondary school girls? but later as i took it home n opened the plastic packaging n felt it.....wow immediately i knew i wanted to keep it cos it felt so squeezable...n it fit the size of my hand jus rite, for squeezing. its inside wasn't made out of those stupid hard fur those cheap stuffed toys are made of; its inside felt like little balls of styrofoam put together. later my mom told me those were actually little balls containing sand inside...i dunno if she's rite, but whatever it is, it feels so nice to squeeze...n it wud fit in just right in one of my fren's cars...n he's a guy. but he has all these nice plush things to cuddle at the back seat....n one of them feels almost like how my NYP starfish feels like, the inside contents i mean. FINAL DAY of ENGAGE whoa....i can't believe engage has finally come to an end. in a way i feel a little sad, cos in retrospect i learnt a lot during these 12 days of constant focused praying and fasting. not that i hadn't already been doing that prior this. what i mean is, at least with the engage booklet it gave me some sense of direction or theme to pray for and think about each day....n yeah, the blank pages where it said "my thoughts" were practically inviting me to write inside them and fill them up. hahaha....yeaup, jus can't get writing outta my blood. it's like talking, to me. i can write like, forever, if the world permits (if i'm free).but yeah....in reflection i've realised i've been relly edified n filled by spending time with Him, reading His word, meditating on it, praying n fasting, thinking about the day's theme, etc. and i've never felt so fulfilled in a while. it's made me see how important n vital it is to spend time with Him n do acts that connect me to Him. n i wanna continue it. i mean, sure last time i was surviving on daily bread n i was doing those acts like praying already, but not at the intensity and volume as high / as much as this. it's made me realise i need to intensify my time spent around n with God. n another thing i didn't relly do was to think and meditate on a portion of His word which was assigned to that particular day; to actually sit down (usually over a cup of coffee) and really think about how important the topic for that day is what that topic has to do with me. speaking of coffee, i think i've become mildly addicted to coffee over the course of these 12 days of engage. cos the thing is, i come actually for the ambience n the quiet, cosy environment...n where else do u find these types of places at nite but at coffee houses (library doesn't count cos it's too cold to be cosy n it closes early). but of course i can't just sit down n order nothing (or i'll prob be asked to leave) so duh, i ask for coffee. sometimes i have a huge cookie to go with it, but that's only if i think i can afford to splash a bit more money. i usually order a latte, n i require 3 packets of sugar for it to taste sweet enuff to drink. but sometimes the coffee house is a bit too noisy, when they play way-too-loud music (different shifts, different ppl, so different tastes in music i guess). it's distracting when u have simple plan, placebo and good charlotte screaming at you while ur trying to do quiet time, so in those times i leave n try to find a makeshift place. going outside to sit in their chairs doesn't help becos i dunno why, but there's always a smoker there stinking up the whole place. I thought only Malaysia was full of chain smokers. n usually the guy or girl smoking outside is a young Chinese. not even those apeks at the coffee shops i'm so used to seeing in jb. shows that the quality of air in S'pore is deteriorating as well. in fact, i relly relly hate whiffs of smoke so much simply becos i am forced to smell it everyday. yes, you heard it: it's come to a point where there is not one day that I go to Singapore that i don't smell smoke. it's that bad. but it's not jus S'pore that's gassing me out....this smoke is the very thing that greets me, that welcomes my entrance, when i approach the jb customs. the trash bin with the ash tray on top is rite at the side of the door to enter customs, n it's ALWAYS filled with smoke. relly horrible. n sometimes on the bus back in S'pore i smell smoke coming from somebody's clothes. maybe it wud be ok if i jus smelt it and it didn't affect me. but it does. physically. relly. everytime i smell it, it goes up my nostrils n stings my nasal passageway, as if they're saturated with smoke. in simple terms i feel a sort of pain or some kinda feeling i can't properly describe (which doesn't feel good) down my nose n throat whenever i smell smoke. if it's relly bad, my eyes start to water n i start to cough. it's as if i'm the one smoking....hey, no fair! i dun wanna end up like one of those second-hand smoking cases... cos i saw an ad for a show a few mths ago on channel newsasia bout this man in a wheelchair...he said he had lung cancer, even though he "never smoked, never drinked"....n then someone did a voiceover telling us to catch the show to see the effects of second-hand smoking. wow. how did talk about engage end up into talk about how bad nicotine smoke is? btw today was a very dormant day for me. i was hibernating most of the time like some bear in some cold country or sth. as predicted, i did get up at 2pm, ate lunch n then....instead of trying to finish my project which was due 5pm, i felt so sluggish n was more contented to stretch out (as opposed to curl up) n read the newspaper. man, who else who's ard my age finds fun in reading the papers? i'm jus of different taste, i guess. i was reading thursday's weekly pullout section for youths called YouthQuake. i've been reading it since i was standard 6, when it was sold separately n when it had way more pages than it did now (yes, i don't like that --> the "that" refers to the lack of pages). but at least now, content-wise, it's more interesting to read about than when they first switched to pullout form. their regular sections are always something i cannot resist reading: a "Spill It" page, where they post stuff ppl reveal having done in situations that are embarassing, silly, funny, etc. depending on that week's topic, a "Cupid's Arrow" doublespread (as in 2 pages side-by-side) where they get quotes of ppl who experienced the topic for that week, like what happened on their first date or topics like that, n a "Tween Beat" page where they feature the results of a forum (loaded with lotsa quotes, which i like, n not facts) where tweens debate over a topic such as "should lunchboxes be banned?" so yeah, as u can see, i got carried away with reading....n i only got into working mode at 4pm, one hr before deadline. i had to design a complicated 3d model of a clock or watch. n yeah...i encountered problems so i ended up finishing at 5.30, which was half an hr past the deadline. but i hadn't counted on the broadband connection failing me. my modem started blinking, rite when i clicked "send" on my email, n i got so mad n angry cos i knew i was gonna get 5% deducted off my project since i'd end up handing it in too late.....n true enuff, the modem only stopped blinking at 6.15pm....so, sigh, i guess that's another project gone wrong for me. but i'm not particularly worried about that cos that module's only an IS aka. additional module, not a core one. i mean, sure, i wud've liked to get the grades, but....if i don't, i'm not so worked up about it....not as i was over my radio test. n after that i drank the forbidden fruit of Justea's "bubble green tea + apple juice" blend, even though i knew rite from the moment i tasted its gassy content that it was gonna give me hell since i'm gastric-prone anyway n after awhile, i did feel the pangs...but thank god they weren't so bad this time round. so i ate as much as i cud, then hopped into bed before i cud be awake any longer to feel further pain......n slept til 8pm. i was forced up to have dinner..but i didn't eat til 9 cos my family ate out while i wanted to stay home so i had to wait till they brought back my dinner. it's amazing my stomach didn't kill me, cos milo was all i took. n then i bathed, did my Customer Service project.....n now here i am, blogging away. i finished e project at 2.45pm....n wow, now it's nearly 4.30.....better rush to sleep now...... yawn yaaawwwwnn. thank god it's finally break week. well, it's not relly a 2-wk break for me cos i've still got assignments due n 1 or 2 tests, but hey man i'll take this instead of going for classes anytime! esp e early classes....so now at least i dun have to hear my mom screaming down my ear bout me wasting money on taxi fare or stupid lecturers accusing me of lackadaisically strolling into class. argh why did i remember that....i'm so tired. jus finished a project work discussion on msn, my new tool. actually dint finish but i cudnt take it anymore. n i'm so glad today is the end of sch for a while cos my face is beginning to show signs of coming back late to bathe / lack of sleep. besides the horrible eyebags (ok at least now they're not so bad cos they dun feel sore or painful), my complexion has gone back to being more pimply again. prob one of the reasons i think, is bcos i come back real late to bathe anyway, so by that time so much oil has collected on my face....unlike some ppl who, i dunno how by some god-given ability, seem to have enviously, unfairly, absolutely clear white skin n smooth complexion naturally. n i have to be stuck with what looks like little remnants of atomic bombs on my face, topped with new volcanoes every now n then....like now. dunno if my stress adds to it, or the fact that i keep shielding my face with my hand everytime i feel stressed during work. the worst zit rite now has got to be the one in my nose. why has it got to be IN my nose? (well actually it's near e nostril but it's still inside). but ok i guess this isnt as bad as having a zit on ur eyelid......which totally sux cos u cant put anything much on it n it takes months to go away. man oh man i'm so tired....that i am gonna wake up most prob 2 or 3pm tmr. btw my radio test.....i screwed up at e last part. i started off well, but halfway thru sth dint work, n i tried to ask e lecturer but he confused me even more, n that's when i panicked n...i screwed up. thank god my reflex actions were quick enuff to at least save me some marks....but i dint get the A i cud've gotten. ah well. it was relly hard to get over it cos i keep thinking of how i cud've gotten an A but didnt (cos for e practice session e lecturer approved of my work)....but as i sat in e bus in e long jam at customs (it's a public holiday eve, so a mass exodus tonite was expected anyway) i was reminded that nobody's gonna give a shit about what i got for radio in the end. i mean, what, when i'm working permanently next time, like anyone's gonna ask me "hey jess what did u get for ur radio test?"....yeah rite. heck, no one's gonna even ask me what results i got for poly (or uni, if i go). n today's engage bout all leaf n no fruit...i totally agree. i mean, that's the very thing that makes hypocritical christians hypocrites. the booklet was saying that like, if we're compared to trees, we shudnt jus have leaves of external appearance such as worshipping, praying, going to church, etc. n not have fruits of the actual depth of these things, such as a zest for god, a burning desire to want to do whatever god asks of us, a passion for the lost, etc. i mean, in that way i was a hypocrite too in my recent time of suffering. i had the external actions, i did everything (though to a lesser degree), but i cudnt relly feel god's love (cos i was blocking out the cross) n i hadn't had much desire to do what he wanted me to do...aka. i cudnt seem to bear those fruits. in fact i ended up bearing these fruits thru suffering...n how appropriate cos that's exactly what the bible mentions. yawn. so that's what i learnt from engage today. n it's the 2nd last day of fasting.....so i'm realising the urgency n the great need to keep up with this even after the official 12 days are over cos i can see it's been bearing much fruit n it's disciplined me to spend more time with god, to at least set aside more time. n it's aligned my perspectives thru the use of what i was taught in class as "agenda-setting". this simply means the media sets the agenda for that duration of time, so for whoever who's ard at that time n sees/reads/hears the media, it's making them focus on something (the agenda) n it brings to mind / highlights issues or "somethings" which ppl never thot about until now. still hanging on....1 more day to break wk yawn yawn yawn....ran across the causeway today. reached the other side sweaty, smelly, greasy-haired but in time to take the bus n not have to "waste money" on taxi. so no scolding from parents. but when i got to class i was bout 20 mins late, which is still within the curfew time, thank god, so i was marked present but late. the lecturer was....man he really pissed me off. he said i strolled into class. yeah rite! i practically ran! n hello, it's not like i took my time to drink tea at the canteen n jus waltz in like that! n i was so stupid as to email him...n he sent an email back retorting that I was supposed to say sorry to him, and I was late for class anyway, I this, I that....basically trying to say it was my fault. what an insensitive jerk.speaking of lecturers, i met one of my 2 all-time favorite lecturers today. man, that relly brightened my day cos i had not seen that lecturer since sch started. if i was still under him, i'm pretty sure he'd still be understanding enuff of my situation to scold me indirectly like that. but yeah well....that's why he's one of my favourites. well one of the reasons why anyway. words words words. how they cut like a knife when they come out all wrong. yesterday my own dg leader (as in leader of my poly's christian cca cell group thingy) let loose this remark that relly pissed me off for quite a few mins. i forgot sth n i told her, n she said with a serious look, "you're always forgetting things." hello, what's that supposed to mean? i can only recall ever telling her i forgot things twice before this, n the second time i forgot she said the exact same words. n this is not the first time i'm getting this: ppl keep exaggerating things. you're always this. you're always that. makes me wonder why i even bothered to be honest enuff to tell her i forgot sth anyway. but whatever. all i noe is, i was quite taken aback when i heard it, n in such serious tones, that i didn't have time to react or say sth in my defence. so i let it go. i'm supposed to anyway. i jus dunno why, but this wk words are actually affecting me. i get angry over words. it's relly unusual i guess....cos most times i'm not so quick to anger. think i've gotta keep on this focusing-on-god thing. mebbe i've had blurry vision because my eyes were half-closed. yesterday's engage booklet: the lost coin....relating to how the unsaved r like the lost coin, n when the coin's found the owner (god) rejoices a lot. n today's one i agree too: "we are accountable!" yes we are. yes i am. accountable to ppl ard me. shud be blessing them n not expecting vice versa. n today i feel i did more to bless others, esp the unsaved. felt at least i did something. but i noe i mus do more. btw, my test on that deejay thing i mentioned is on tmr. i messed up during practice, so i'm kinda stressed n a lil worried that i'll mess up during the actual thing...hopefully not. this is my song list for tmr: 1) EROSION by Switchfoot 2) CHANCE by dc Talk 3) SWEET N LOWDOWN by George Gershwin (filler music, aka. instrumental or non-vocal music to fill up the space in between playing jingles. jingles are short music clip ads.) I'm gonna post the lyrics to the first 2 songs here anyway cos i feel like it. in fact i felt like those were the two chosen songs to play cos god jus put them into my head (n yes, they're among my fave cos of the words n music). hopefully my test will go well tmr. we'll see how. god, please don't let me screw up n help me to finish the programme on time. EROSION by Switchfoot Rain is a bad reminder of everything I don't wanna know Rain is a backseat driver that takes me where I don't wanna go And it looks like the sky is caving in again I'm dry and cracked, the sky goes black And tut, tut, it looks like rain Erosion Oh, Spirit fall like rain on my thirsty soul Erosion Oh, sweet erosion, break me and make me whole The thirstiest grounds can't take the rain My undecided vices washing on down the drain And it looks like the sky is caving in again My heart is cracked, the sky goes black And tut, tut, it looks like rain Oh, Erosion, would You wash away my sins Oh, Erosion, I need a second start again Oh, Erosion, would You break my heart again Oh, Erosion, I am a broken hearted man i relly relly loved chance the second i heard it. music-wise, it was listener friendly. soft but interesting guitar tune as the leading instrument, n i luv it when the drums take over during the intermission. n the words...relly....encouraged me at times, motivated me / knocked some sense into me at others. i've highlighted the words that r relly close to my heart in bold. CHANCE by dc Talk People watching, every life a mystery Sunny faces, but you know the story's incomplete Satisfaction seems a million miles away So I'm moving to another state of mind I'm believing there's no better place or better time Everyday we live, there's a chance to give Every time we speak, there's a chance for peace Everyday we live, there's a chance Little sister, put aside your fear and breathe In the secret, do you hear the voice of heaven (sayin') Come together, hope is stronger than it seems Where you're standing, there's no running out on love Only human, but you've set your eyes on the things above Everyday we live, there's a chance to give Every time we speak, there's a chance for peace Everyday we live, there's a chance A chance for you, a chance for me A chance to serve, in a time of need A chance to live, a chance to tell A chance to lose yourself (for somebody else) i've lost the msn war ok. i give up. i've finally surrendered to the powers that be on msn. for years and years i have been deliberately boycotting the msn messenger simply becos of some really fractured ties between certain people i know who use msn n suddenly today i signed in. but i'm still boycotting hotmail, though (i'm using an msn passport). 2 tiny MBs for one email is jus not enuff.how come the sudden action? ask my project group mates. and ask me for finally giving in. for my nearly-two whole entire years of poly (actually it's more like a little over one year, but it won't sound nice with the phrase) i have been strongly fending off repeated attacks from classmates telling me i must get msn so we can discuss sch projects online n today i jus let my defense down. i saw the light. either that or i got swept away by the wave of commercial imperialism by msn. for one-over years my classmates have been discussing project groups online, with some feeding me the vital bits thru icq, of which i am a faithful supporter, and i have been coping well without them. but today...i dunno what got into me but i said okay, i'll sign into msn. after so many years of denial. i've lost the war against msn. yawn. today's been a tiring n stressful day. so not unlike most other days this sem. n when i came back, i had a shouting match between me n my mom.......relly dun wanna stay up late n talk about it. she's making me wake up super super early tmr so i dun have to waste money on taxi fares again...cos lately i've been allotting myself the same duration of hrs to wake up as compared to other days but it jus doesn't work for me for the 8am classes. relly sucks. there's a jam at late-6plus or 7 by the time i get there. n this jam takes one fricking hour or more jus to clear to the singapore side. which means i have no choice but to take a taxi the minute i touch the other side. n which means my parents have to fork out more than usual for me. n of cos they're not liking it. n as for me, i keep saying i'd rather stay in clementi or bukit timah n save myself a lot of trouble......but of cos they never agree n this escalates into a big fight. yes, today's shouting match had sth to do with that. roughly this is what happened:
sigh. relly dun wanna think bout it rite now. i mean, i come back home, tired, sleepy, weary, a bit more prone to snap becos of the lack of sleep n cos i already dealt with a good deal of stress in sch, n instead i get salt added to my wounds. so i reacted naturally....n unfortch i forgot about following god's example for a while. sometimes i think i mus be the stupidest of all my jb frens. i mean, i look at my frens n i see them going to kl, australia, even the UK, n i'm seeing more of them leaving this feb n this june too (sob) to further their studies...they're so happy, living on their own, fending for themselves, having no parents to nag-scold-irritate them....n then i look at myself n i think: so stupid. of all places, i choose somewhere which is near enuff for my parents to grab hold of me n exert their authoritarian rules. guess running to another country's not far enuff. mebbe i shudda gone to kl too....or thailand....or australia, since at that time i remember the exchange rate was about the same as singapore too. but no. instead i decided to stay here. oh joy. yippee. actually one of the main reasons why i chose here over other places was becos of my 3 puppy-like dogs. if not for them, i'd have taken the first flight outta here. if not for them. becos i learnt too well the lesson of how short dogs' lives are. when my previous dogs passed away i cudn't forgive myself for months over the times i didn't spend with them, like forced family vacations n stuff like that. n that time i was thinking, i'm gonna be studying for at least 3 yrs...n 3 yrs is a lot in doggy days...it's 21 dog years. so yeah, they played a crucial role in my decision-making. n i dun regret that. ok, so my parents r relly unfair, n my brother's so annoying that he's worse than a fly, but......god put me here for a reason. oh shit...look at the time. i'm gonna be so tired tmr. bad planning yawn. feeling the strain of sleeping so little for one whole week since engage started. cos when i have dinner in s'pore everyday n take my time to do my quiet time, by the time i come back n do all my stuff there's not much time left to sleep. but i want to continue doing this, keeping this record, at least until engage is over. yeah. then after that i wun be blogging so frequently anymore...until the hols come or until i feel motivated to. cos i wanna see how i fare overall in this fasting thingy, which btw, i realised today that i have almost forgotten about already. n when i am reminded of what i'm fasting for, i have almost no "appetite" or desire to have it. n i guess that's a good stepping stone to helping me finally overcome my cravings for this thing eventually (cos i said i had been fasting but failing against this thing already prior to this).today's topic in the engage booklet was about having the river of life (aka. jesus) flow thru me n out to others to bless them. n there's this part which was asking me if i was like a Dead Sea, always taking but never giving, or like a river of life. n my answer was merely a voicing-out of what i had been feeling for quite some time. i wrote that i used to be like the Dead Sea, not so much never ever giving, but more like getting stagnant, collecting water n not letting it flow thru to other channels. as in i was not relly blessing ppl outside my circle of frens. i also wrote that after that i became like the river of life, where i increased my activities of blessing ppl n going out n evangelising n stuff....but now it's like slowly stagnating again. not yet like the dead sea, but i still feel my level of blessing ppl has gone down since the peak. i know i'm not doing enuff. n rite now i've kinda put the organising of my life on hold. i haven't planned or organised a lot of things in an orderly way yet....as in i haven't read thru my notes yet, nor have i printed out every single one (there's hundreds of pages this sem, i'm serious).....n ever since my palm pilot's charger got sent to the repair shop (it wasn't working) i've not relly kept track of my dates for when i have to hand this or that up, what date is what test, etc. the repair shop hasn't called for one whole week. n all my alarms for crucial dates are recorded in my palm pilot. so far it's been grace alone that's made me remember to hand in my assignments on time, or remember to go for crusade worship practice, or attend group meetings.....or else i'm pretty sure i wud've forgotten. not that i can't live without a palm (i can and i did, until only recently), but that i haven't planned or organised my sch life yet. i haven't sat down n arranged all the crucial dates into a table n looked at the table n planned ahead of the tests n assignments in the table so that i do my work on time. i haven't relly prayed specifically over each assignment yet. i haven't relly done other things like these.....i've kinda put it on hold. hopefully the two-week break next wk will discipline me to finally start doing these things i've been putting off. but it's possible that i mite like waking up late n being so free from work that i mite end up not doing anything....i dunno. hymn stuck in my head this song popped into my head again so i decided to put it up. it's been one of the few songs that comes naturally to mind in some of my times of stress, n tho i can't remember it, i remember the part that helps calm me down (i've highlighted it in bold below). i'm not stressed now, jus sleepy, but it's coming to me again. it kinda got stuck in my head after it got sung at church service not long after meta ended. n it calmed me a bit when i was stressed out n i heard it in my head. i mean, jus being reminded of the fact that jesus loved me enuff to suffer so much for me made my problems pale in comparison. n on the part bout death, mebbe someday i'll learn to sing it n mean it on my deathbed, but for now it comforts me for awhile bout thots of dying (not that i've lost my fear of death yet). n yeah, this is one of the rare old praise hymns that i actually like enuff to keep hearing it in my head.My Jesus, I Love Thee by William Featherston My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine; For Thee all the follies of sin I resign. My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou; If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now. I love Thee because Thou has first loved me, And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree. I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow; If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now. I'll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death, And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath; And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow, If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now. In mansions of glory and endless delight, I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright; I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow; If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.
parent trouble god is relly testing me today. i had the first major dispute with my parents in a long time (not very long but long enuff la)....n it's all becos jus for once this week i thot i shud sit down n have dinner with them. but i shudda known that rarely do we have a decent meal when we sit down together. it's like putting sandpaper and wood next to each other. we saw each other off, there's huge friction, n none of us understands the other. it relly sucks n somehow i dun think i'm ever gonna love my parents until i live on my own. seriously. i relly don't see myself reconciling with my family any time soon....n it looks like we'll never at least be mutual friends until i move out n they start to miss me.i relly hated it when i went for meta n my mom kept calling me or sending me msges on behalf of my parents like "hope all's well there...love, mom" or "i love you jessie".......every single time it never failed to create some kinda cognitive dissonance within me when i got it. i remember thinking....mom n dad, why do you love me only when i'm gone? why go all mushy on me only when i'm not around, n when i return, drive me up the wall? do i have to die to please you? i relly relly felt that their smses n their calls, their expressions of love for me, were relly relly insincere. it felt so fake. n i'm thinking of it now. n it all started, as usual, with sth insignificant. mom n i jus came back from church. i had planned to have dinner with frens or at least spend some quiet time in starbucks, but i thot, hey mebbe i shud relly sit down n have a nice dinner with them, since they're my parents n i'm supposed to spend time with them. boy was i so wrong. when we got back, n everyone piled into the car to go for dinner, nothing was wrong. nothing was wrong when we reached our destination n started eating satays for dinner. until halfway during our chatter. we were nearly ending n i commented that satay alone was not a healthy meal (i was brought up by my mom to think that a proper meal shud contain carbs, protein n at least some vege to get the minerals). it turns out my family had eaten up the relatively small portion of available ketupat (carbs) n cucumber (vege) n left me with almost nothing. so i said i wanted to order extra stuff to make up for my loss. i wudn've used my own money, had it not been for the fact that i didn't bring my wallet, n my parents were like no, no, we're not gonna let u waste our money. n i was like, come on man, i'm gonna pay u ppl back so what difference does it make? n somehow that escalated into a heated argument. n on the trip back my dad was saying relly unfair stuff like "i wish i cud jus lie down on the road n let a steam-roller roll over me" (i felt like saying "i wish so too" but i jus refrained) n "can't we even have a decent meal?" ("i agree" i said in my mind) n "everytime we go out with [my bro's name] we never have any problems" (n i'm thinking like duh, that's becos he's too young to state his opinions) n "i dunno why this has to happen...what did i do to deserve this?" (i so felt like saying "i feel the exact same way too" but once again--it must've been a miracle--i jus shut up). n what they did was to drive me home n drop me there with the hse keys. INCENSED was the word that came to mind as i opened the gate n the grill, walked past my noisy dogs n sat down in the stillness of the hse. i can't do this! i said to god. how can i forgive my parents when they drive me up the wall every time we spend long hours together? just great, god, i said. you give me enemies for parents when your very word says to love your enemies. you knew this was going to happen! (as in you knew we wudn't get along ever.) how do you expect me to love my parents when all i wanna do rite now is strangle them to death?! n then i said the word i had been trying to refrain. the f word. n then i was like, oops, no not again, this is *not* deja-vu. n then i realised sth, which i believe was a way of god speaking to me. i suddenly understood my motivation for saying the f word consciously in anger. i said it cos it gave me power. somehow i jus felt power over the situation...a sort of way to counteract their mean acts. all my resentment and hate was contained in a single word of F. n this led me to a very important conclusion: i'm saying the f word to "serve them back", to retaliate, to return an eye for an eye n a tooth for a tooth (only applies to when i say it consiously, not when it's stuck in my head). n that totally changed my perspective. cos i knew i was supposed to forgive those who anger me, but i didn't noe why i cudn't even though i was trying to. this was one of the undiscovered issues that prevented me. n after that i jus stopped. i lost the desire to say the f word with every verb, noun or pronoun. n i prayed the prayer of power using jesus' name to remove all anger and hatred from me. n after that i felt a bit better. but definitely stronger. but i cudn't stay in the hse...somehow the emptiness n silence was deafening to me. i knew i wanted to spend some time with god or some moment of peace but i knew i had to get out of there. n i'll admit, sometimes i like to, i dunno how to call it, "test" god? as in i'll try to do sth else even tho i feel pretty sure that's not what he wants me to do. like call ppl up n ask if i can take refuge in their home even tho i know he wants to spend time with me...alone. the thing is, sometimes it works, most times it doesn't...n i dunno why but at moments like these my mentality is jus to try my luck n see if there's a way out...which is pretty bad of me n i'm still trying to stop this. so i called my fren, one of the few i used to run to for refuge in their homes when i had major fights with my parents (esp the months after spm when i had no sch n i was at home practically everyday cos i was going broke from trying to spend time staying away from them)....n yeah...fren wasn't free. so, okay. that settles it. i know what to do. so i locked up the hse n walked up to the row of shophouses a few roads away, up the hill. they had your usual mamak stall so i went there n finally got myself a proper meal with vege (some leafy stuff that wasn't too fibrous to chew) n carbs (roti canai). n of cos my regular glass of teh tarik. sat down, ate a proper meal, thot over the whole situation in an environment that allowed me to think more clearly n feel more at peace, then walked home quickly before my parents got back. thank god they didn't. i'm glad He kept them away. cos they wud've probably picked a fight over that too. when i got back the first thing i did was instinctively go to the piano. n i played my heart out on it like i haven't for months. cos these days i jus don't feel comfortable playing the piano at home when my family's ard, cos i don't like them to know how i'm feeling, n then use it against me to ridicule me like they sometimes do. n these days it's not been possible to not have them ard cos i'm mostly out n when i'm in, they're in. i felt like i needed assurance, so i played songs that came to mind that spoke of that. stuff like "i know who holds tomoro", which was played in church service today. it's always been one of my rare old favourites out of the hymns but today i saw the last part with new light: "but i know who holds tomoro, n i know who holds my hand." ever since meta uni, in some of the times of trouble, i've always felt that god was holding my hand. whether he was guiding me n leading me thru the crowd, or pulling me up from the waters (think the passage where he walks on water) or jus giving it a reassuring squeeze, i felt that jesus was holding my hand. not that i cud relly feel it, cos if i did, i honestly think i wud freak out, but i felt it in an analogical sense. n one of the thots that calms me of death which came to mind in meta over one of those mass prayer thingies was of me, walking thru this relly dark tunnel with a light at the end, n of someone (jesus) holding my hand firmly n leading me toward the light. but that's not to say my fear of death is over. it jus calms me, if only for a while. but when my family got back i jus closed the whole piano shutter thingy n replaced the covers. i was in no mood to face my family. so i jus went to my room, took out my favorite mat, n of all things i blasted hillsongs' "blessed" album into the room. ppl who know me know that i'm not exactly a fan of hillsongs or planet shakers, n i tend to lean more towards the american style of rock n alternative (in fact i only got this becos a fren lent it to me to burn). but rite before i shut the piano i had been playing my fave song on the album, which jus came to mind (shout of the king or sth like that) n i wanted to hear it out. n so i heard it...n after that i jus let the cd play n i felt stronger as the minutes passed. n as i was looking around the room i spotted this old booklet which i hadn't picked up for months which, the last time i saw it, i was planning to give away to someone since i relly had no heart to read it. it was a supplementary booklet from the daily bread titled "why did christ have to die?". n i jus started reading thru...n realising that this was actually good stuff. very concise stuff about what one can learn from the cross n why it had to be done, etc. up to as recent as less than 5 months ago i wud never have dreamed of reading stuff about the cross simply becos i had been blocking out the pain n goryness associated with the cross. it reminded me of my impending doom to this earthly world. n as i was reading thru, i found that it mentioned one point which i had to find out for myself thru my recent time of trouble: the cross is the only way to feel the extent of god's love. everything else jus pales in comparison n feels somehow...incomplete. n as i read thru, with the music keeping me in that state of mind (yeah, i was deliberately multi-tasking again), i found the answer to a question i had been asking myself since wednesday. i found the meaning of the last part of phillipians 3: 12. no, the answer wasn't stated directly to my face in the booklet, but it helped me to understand n see the light. the "enlightenment" came from this bit: "his death produced spiritual life for all who would trust Him. we are the fruit of His suffering and death." the 2nd sentence relly got to me, made a few gears in my head click. they were talking about how jesus, like the grain of wheat in john 24-25, had to fall to the ground aka. die to produce much grain aka. produce more fruit or rewards than the current ones. i equated the "we" to our spiritual aka. eternal life, from looking at the sentence before it. n i thot, if spiritual life is the fruit of his suffering n death, can't it also be the prize? n then i looked at my good old good news bible which said (v. 12) "...i keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself." n compared it with the puzzling niv bit: "...i press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me" replaced the word "prize" with eternal life. n the last part of the words jus started to rearrange themselves in my head n make sense: ...christ won / took hold of eternal life for me. i strive / press on to take hold of eternal life that christ won for me. n voila. those were the magic words that cleared the fuzz in my head. it seemed to make sense with verse 14 in both versions as well, n i asked god about it, n i felt very assured that it was right. so i guess being willing to wait for an answer in due time worked. n another thing that i kept coming across today by the indirect words of others was yesterday's topic for the engage booklet: giving generously. actually i realised it yesterday as i was browsing thru the christian books, but it was magnified n reaffirmed today. i saw that giving generously doesn't jus mean giving my tithes / offerings willingly n donating stuff to welfare homes or the tsunami victims n all that, but it also means giving the love that god loves me with freely n willingly, even to parents who relly piss me off or to frens who treat me like someone they don't even know. yeah, yesterday's issue of that fren came up again in my mind today right before yf started...cos i was thinking about how...betrayed...i felt when i had to find out from somoene else news that everyone else knew about already. i mean, to me it relly sucks when you're the last person to find out something that your so-called friend has told to everyone else but you. n it's not even anything worth hiding from. but i surrendered those feelings to god during yf n thru the songs (they were having some mini-marathon for worship) i did manage to focus back on god n forget about the problem. n later when we broke into groups to pray, i was prayed for n i myself prayed....n now i feel...almost willing to "share the love". almost. so my fren n my parents two sources of which i'm gonna have to give my love generously n willingly even though at times i jus don't feel it in return. i'm not supposed to expect anything back when i give, i'm supposed to jus give. btw after i bathed n i came out to watch tv in the living room where my mom was, i didn't feel like mentioning anything about earlier, as in i didn't wanna apologise or assure her or anything, cos i felt we wud break out into a fight again, so i said nothing n jus spoke like nothing happened. for now, i think it'll be ok, cos i think it's better than getting into a fight, but at the same time, it's not like we've officially reconciled. some day i'll be able to do that with my parents. but i think that day will only come when i'm out of here. (no, not when i'm dead i hope, i mean when i live on my own.) as for today's topic in the engage booklet about praying like paul, as in prayers of intercession for other ppl, i cudn't agree more...now. a few months back when i was giving up hope over ppl who didn't seem to be affected by my prayers i wudn't have agreed totally. but now i have faith...and the understanding that it's ok if the prayers don't work out the way i want them to. jus another day (pun intended) a lady tried to stuff a bag up my ass on the bus back across the causeway again. a car nearly reversed into the car me and my fren were in. and somebody i noe relly pissed me off today jus by not telling me something. of all the three, i was pretty annoyed at the last one. for the first two, at least (1) i managed to be quick enuff this time to use my hand to push her bag away, unlike other times where i have jus felt so molested, and (2) ok so we didn't die, n the 'blind' guy finally turned his head around n saw us at the last second (n well i'm not the one driving, so i wasn't as stressed). but no. 3 was....it kinda hung at the back of my mind for quite some time.i tried to forget it...but when it surfaced it relly made me angry. n that's the problem with me i guess. i'm always expecting ppl to treat me as well as i treat them. n i always feel so...betrayed...everytime they don't. i mean i don't ask for gifts or anything...i jus feel they shud at least like, treat me like a friend, not like someone they don't even noe. or sometimes i get relly frustrated when ppl ask me to do favors for them n i willingly (stupidly?) say yes, but they don't do the same when i relly relly need one. but yeah i noe...jesus loved his disciples even though they all "ran away" when he got arrested. i got so mad at one point during my bath tonite that i let loose the f word in anger quite a few times (it had been ringing in my mind without control again) at which point i realised i am so gonna get god's punishment big time if i continue. i was trying to stop myself from swearing...but it was a tug back n forth between swearing n going back to god. n then i jus stopped n paused...n out of the blue i jus recited the lord's prayer. i said that over n over again....n it worked. i shudda done that a long time ago. i've found that to be a very powerful prayer in times of need...in fact that was the ONLY thing that worked to get rid of nightmares. when i was younger i used to say that over n over again while in my dream until i woke up. n i found it pretty amazing that i cud recite the lord's prayer while i was still in my sleep...it's been rooted that much into me that it's in my subconscious. but lately i kinda forgot about it...n only during these past few wks have i been remembering to pray it again. yesterday's engage booklet topic bout us growing as trees...yeah, i found that so easy to see the parellels. especially the part where it says spiritual trees (that's us christians) stand straight for god...immediately i thot of the opposite, which was crooked, yeah, that's so fitting for a tree and a person's character. n the part where it says us trees grow, yeah that's so true. we grow in wisdom n faith. n today's apologetics training seminar thing was pretty good...i mean initially it didn't relly get to me that much, i dunno why, mebbe cos it didn't relly apply to me, but towards the end esp the last hour when he was answering the crucial question of why god allows suffering to happen....that got me sitting up n interested...n i was not the only one who suddenly started paying more attention. cos my fren asked that very question a few months back. i answered her in my own way, from the wisdom god imparted to me thru his spirit...but what i learnt will allow me to add somebody else's perspective...coming from someone who's more pro in apologetics. n what he said, plus yesterday's conversation with my fren after life meeting (i was commenting on how rare it was to find guys, let alone ppl, like him who actually read chim christian books) inspired me to take a much-needed look at the row of christian books in city square. as i looked, i realised sth: i had been sorta wasting my talent in this area. i mean, i am blessed enuff to be able to understand chim english (most of my frens don't) n thru the months or years i have jus...stopped reading chim books even though i understand them. i had been so lazy that i wanted to take the easy way out n read books with simpler english to digest...which is good for all i guess, but the fact is i had not been putting my "talent" of being able to understand chim english to much use. n i agree that over time my english has deteriorated somewhat. a bit la. i mean i still noe some chim words to put in pr statements n feature writing essays, but i kinda forgot half the words i picked up. n i mean it's so bad that sometimes i can't even understand what the niv bible is saying...have to resort to my good old good news bible to understand. i mean, heck, it's not even kjv n i'm stumped! n i realised that i relly have to put a stop to this n at least discipline myself to read one chim book this year or else my talents r jus gonna go to waste totally n i won't be able to answer the flowery-language questions about god that my frens pose to me. i mean so far i've coped by replying them in layman's terms, cos i noe what they're saying but i jus feel too lazy to reply back in their chim lingo...but i'm starting to realise that ppl like that cud be more challenged intellectually if i replied them with equally chim terms. i mean, mebbe i cud spark a longer debate if i spoke jus as "chim"ly as them. another thing i realised as i was browsing thru the books, or hanging around city square, walking ard (btw russell lee was signing books today there....but sadly i no longer have interest in "true s'pore ghost stories" to wanna get his autograph or ask him the questions i wanted to ask him last time, which was way back in std. 6) was that....i've grown so much in wisdom during my time of sufferings than i have during those happy, rose-tinted times. i mean, sure, i knew that already but today it hit me harder. cos i started to recall certain times in my life when i was happy in the sense that i was satisfied with my environment, but didn't relly feel fulfilled in the sense that i knew my spiritual life was stagnating. n during those times i used to pray for wisdom n pray that i wud know more of god, but in my sufferings, esp this one i'm sitting thru, i don't even need to ask cos i hear His wisdom imparted to me every single day that i suffer. n with His wisdom came the knowledge of Him, the type of person He is. n then i started to think, if i'm so rich in (godly) knowledge n wisdom in suffering, then why dun i stay suffering? why wait for the happy times where my spiritual life's gonna take a standstill? but then i thot again n realised this...it is possible to suffer in happy times if i persevere in doing god's will, specifically in sharing the gospel. but that is the kinda suffering i wudn't feel bad about, cos then i wud relly be suffering for christ n not over some bad issue in life. n in doing so, i wud be able to grow in god, if one agrees that suffering brings (godly) wisdom. n besides, i need a break anyway. the absence of happy times wud kill me. i'd prolly die of heartache or anxiety attacks or spontaneous combustionm, which i find pretty spooky. speaking of spooky, i was reading this new book about codebreaking in the bookstore today n in the first chapter when they mentioned the history of codebreaking, i was horrified to read of mary, queen of scots' beheading. she was betrayed becos the cryptologist expert of that time managed to break the code she wrote her letters in (she conspired with some of her loyal catholic followers to assassinate queen elizabeth the protestant in order to win the throne of england). the last bit where her beheading was mentioned was done very well by the book's writer, simon singh. he simply extracted a block quote from a person of that day who recorded the events down n let u read for yourself how gruesome it was. n it relly terrified me (made me think of the clip i saw on the net of the korean guy being beheaded...eeeeesssh). the quote mentioned that she was very composed n dignified before she died, uttering her family motto of "in my beginning is my end" to her loyal catholic followers 3 times before spreading her arms n legs apart n lying on the chopping block. n the person who wrote this recorded that she didn't even stir when one of the executioners, who earlier asked her for forgiveness n whom she pardoned, held her hand down n did the dirty deed. the person also records that the ax swung twice, after which she made some kinda noise with the neck still loosely attached (this was exactly what happened in the clip when the korean guy got beheaded! it was agonising to watch n i wished i had never been so curious to see it) before the final blow cut her head off. n it's even recorded that her lips started moving up and down after the head was separated from the body for about a quarter of an hr....n the saddest part at the end was when her dog, which was "hiding underneath her garters" and was pulled out by force cos it didn't wanna come out, sat between the disconnected head and shoulders n refused to leave its mistress. that relly got to me, cos the dog didn't noe anything about why she had to die. but i'm glad the writer didn't portray her as a bad person, cos i dun relly think she was. still engaging, still holding out i jus realised sth. today at our inter-dg gathering, as my fren was re-doing yesterday's topic in the engage booklet, it encouraged me to look at it again....and i'm glad i did, cos i din't relly notice it when we were doing the devotion thing at our gathering. but later as i had a second look at yesterday's topic again....then it hit me. 3 out of 4 criterias in the booklet i had failed in yesterday. and i realised that yesterday was relly a time of testing...n i'm sad to say i failed half the time. but then again....like i realised yesterday, guilt does not rule me any more. it's time to move on.this was yesterday's "criteria":
i noe, it's relly un-christianlike....n i have my mom to "thank" for it. cos when i was very young, she used to drive us round the "rich ppl district" n stop n stare at the houses....n share with me her opinion. how she wished she had that kitchen, or this pillar, etc etc. ....i think she never relly knew how bad it affected me but rite after those trips (which she eventually stopped by the way), i started coveting rich ppl's houses...n i started to feel inadequate around my rich frens. then when i had revival n i got back with god, i minimised that kinda thinking. but up to these days, sometimes i do feel a bit of lowliness when i'm looking at the inside of a rich fren's hse. but man oh man, yesterday the feelings of envy, a sort of hate, n coveting...they were at an unusually high degree within me. it was relly bad.... thruout the whole trip i was like , "jess, this will all fade away, this is all temporal" over and over again to remind myself of the truth. n the minute i got off the bus i started to pray....n i realised that this is all the devil's thinking....n after that realisation n prayer, i felt ok again. as for no. 3, well it came hand in hand with no. 4. today i realised i was definitely not thankful when i got stranded by the bus at bukit panjang lrt. n as i got irritated as the trip home progressed (read yesterday's post), i realised that i definitely wasn't at peace in my mind. it was only after i got home n prayed that peace gradually returned. it's a lesson i'm still learning today. i'm learning to trust in God n keep my heart steadfast in Him, so as to attain the "perfect peace" He will keep me with (i forgot what verse, think it's isaiah). cos today i paled quite a number of times in times of stress during sch assignments n stuff....little, little stuff....n for those who dun noe me so well, i usually turn pale when i'm extremely stressed. sometimes my hands even start to shake....n the worst one was when i had my one and only anxiety attack sometime last year or two years ago. i cudn't stop trembling for a whole hour. it was like i had parkinson's or sth. but the thing is, like i said, today's things were little, little stuff compared to the biggies that i've turned pale in. so in reflection as i sat in the library, physically and mentally tired n exhausted, i was surprised that i turned pale over such minor issues. cos in the past i've only turned pale if it's sth big (well, most of the time at least). so i prayed then....while i was blasting newsboys into my head in the music room there again....n then i was sustained...until after dinner n after coming home... btw i played newsboys "on air" in my sch's radio studio today for my practice test for doing some sorta deejay thing (where you play the song n then u say "n that was entertaining angels by newsboys. coming up next, the weather report" etc.).....hahaha. it was so funny....but i'm glad i did it. i actually played a CCM song to the general mass comm public (those who were in the radio studio building). n some of my classmates inside the studio were actually nodding their heads to the music. wow...haha. ok, so it didn't mention the name "Jesus" in it, but it was pretty obvious to christians, the lyrics...."i just believe, i just believe it...sometimes i dunno why....." or "not just a feeling, it's a reason....we know a line is crooked cos we noe what's straight, that little voice inside..." or "not by the wisdom of a man or a machine, this is not preference or taste that is amused...the evidence of things unseen...the more u look the more u'll see..." it was pretty cool. i feel like doing it again for the actual test. hehe. the test is next week. btw, i found i wasn't the only one bold enuff to play christian songs over the air....the group before me, which included some of the mass comm christians who were in our new gathering thingy, i overheard them playing some obviously christian songs too...stuff like breath of the spirit, sth like that....i never heard the songs before, but with lyrics like that, i knew all too well the implications of god in them. going out of focus as i reflected on my actions today i realised i let the circumstances affect me n started going out of focus on God for a while. the bulk of it started when i took an unfamiliar bus route back after dinner and i missed the stop i was supposed to get off at cos i din't noe the area. ended up in bt. panjang lrt with a parking lot full of empty buses. had to wait quite some time for a bus to come n pick passengers up n take me back to the main rd (bt timah rd) which i had sidetracked from. i was kinda irritated cos my mom started calling n asking when i wud be coming home cos it was late, yadda yadda yadda. hey mom, it's not like i planned to get stranded on purpose. but good thing she wasn't in scolding mode....from then on the ride home was jus...irritating. n while i was waiting for the bus to get me out of bt. pjg lrt my mind started going into its routine gear of saying the F word...cos ever since that trip to nz n hanging out with ppl who replace the F word with the word 'shit', i've never been able to fully get that word outta my system. it tends to jus enter my head naturally, especially so in times of anger or irritation. usually i try to suppress it....n that's what i did. but not before i heard the F word repeated in my mind in conscious anger and frustration. cos u noe when ur pissed, suddenly all the tiny n insignificant wrong things that have happened start to come back to u in bigger chunks? that's what was happening...n it was building up my anger. one of the things was that i had to take a taxi again to sch becos of the early morning jam...n my mom is always scolding me about having taken taxi at least once each wk since i started sch (now's wk 6) cos she's feeling the pinch in her pocket even though in my opinion, my scholarship shud be enuff to cover it....n other mini things today....n it was all accumulating....n then suddenly my conscience stopped me n immediately i felt ashamed...then i closed my eyes n drifted off to sleep (i've been very tired these days anyway) n when i woke up i wasn't angry. n then later on the ride home the anger returned...but it was mixed with feelings of guilt over having said the F word in my head so many times....n the guilt followed me home....but at home i decided i cudn't take these lies of the devil any longer, so after another short nap i reaffirmed myself with god n reminded myself of my true identity in christ...that i need not feel guilt over past sins any more for i am forgiven....n all these worries n insecurities r just a pack of lies from who else but the father of lies. prayed, bathed, n now i've jus finished my sch work. finally....yawn. i've gotta wake up at 9 tmr which leaves me with only 5 measly hours of sleep. n i'm thinking, shit, why did my group pile so much work on me tonite? why cudn't they have pushed the work to "someone else not me" (it's a duran duran song...hehe)? why can't my mom allow me to stay in singapore so i dun have to wake up so early everyday n have to take the taxi when the causeway jams up? n i run the risk of getting pushed, shoved, touched, stepped on, etc. every day that i go past customs....it's even worse when there's a HUGE mob n only one bus....by then it's chaotic n everyone makes a run for it when they see the bus, n they shove the conductors aside.... but so far one miracle i've realised that works is, everytime when i see horrible crowds like these, i say a prayer for god to help me (as in let me not get shoved, kicked, pushed, touched) n it actually works. as in the contact is minimum, n i dun get molested or disgusted by ppl banging into me or anything. n of cos i thank god the minute i get into the bus. sigh....sigh. sigh....sigh. i mus be the only idiot who actually travels to and fro from customs everyday. in my cohort only ONE other person does it, n she wakes up EXTREMELY early in order to beat the jam. i dunno how she does it, but i think it's mostly cos she's been schooling in singapore all her life so she's learnt too many hard lessons from the jam already. in fact come to think of it i'm the only true blue malaysian in my cohort who was home-grown (i mean educated previously in my own land) who is still taking the stupid ride across customs n back. sheesh. i miss nus. wahahahaha....... ok i think i better sleep before i write more uncontrolled stuff...hahaha........btw there's a change in today's malaysian papers....the segment called "tsunami fury" has been changed to "after the tsunami" n it has lighter n less heart-wrenching stuff to read about...clearly what my lecturer terms as "agenda-setting by the media". speaking of which, i think i mus be the only "gundu" (aka. fool in malay slang) who actually reads the papers everyday in my cohort.... n i used to get so pissed last year (in first year) when the lecturer kept asking everyone each wk who had read X papers n he kept calling out singapore papers (i wasn't able to say "yes, i read them everyday!" since he never asked who reads the papers in general)....n he used to scold the class for being so outdated n lazy...."you guys are media students but you don't even know what's going on in the media!" n in lectures he wud tell us that most of us don't read papers...n in my mind i was like, darn, you stupid jerk, i do read the papers, who says i don't? but i never told him i read malaysian papers cos i was pretty sure he'd say sth like "as long as ur a student here, what good is it to tell me u read the papers there?" but whatever. i've learned that i shud jus shuddup n show the results in my exams. oh man i so gotta sleep...why am i rambling on and on like this..... |
|
|
.jpg){kind=link}