|
read between the lines
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
memories
i've got like a horrible stuck nose ever since i downed a few cups of cold longan juice at the dinner party earlier and i can't get rid of it. arghh...i know sleep might help, but i wasn't intending to sleep. still stalling for time as usual.
i want to say something. actually, a few things about something. but i know i need to sleep soon so i'll try to simplify it, try to.
i was surfing through a few blogs again, some random and some not-so-random, some unknown and some known, and i realised that, i have a lot of memories of being in good company at various camps / gatherings / whatever you call them. (i know quite a few people who snort at the word "camp" because they think it should be best left for outdoor jungle stay-ins.)
and these memories, when conjured up in my mind, are beautiful to behold, like they're frozen in time or something. impossible to replicate, yet meaningful enough to be remembered. and sadly some of these memories are mere remnants of faded dreams and the good old past...
some of these memories easily come to mind, especially if they're particularly unforgettable ones, but some of these come up along the way as i find something familiar like a blog, a person or an event to remind me. and suddenly i realise that i have reluctantly lost contact with quite a few of the people i've shared those memories with, which is, quite sad when you really think about it.
however, regardless of whether i remain in contact with these people or not, what that they can never take away are the memories i have of them, which will be forever etched in my mind (or at least for quite a few long years). it has been a privilege to have them leave footprints in my heart that waves of years can never wash away.
The Way We Were
by BARBRA STREISAND
Memories
Like the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me - would we? could we?
Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
bored
the picture explains it all.
 what am i doing still up at four? dang...the zach braff video only loaded halfway...was waiting for that. happened to see scrubs tonight and it reminded me of that. meanwhile, i was doing quizzes and this is what i came up with (i did more but these are the selected ones)...
this one was funny but some of it was true..hahaha.
| You Are 40% Abnormal | 
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.
You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
statement 2, 3 and 5 was true.
the next one i did for kicks:
| How You Are In Love | 
You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
all i can say is, not all statements are true, though most of them are. generally speaking, i'm like a dog, or should i say, my dogs, when it comes to relationships of any type -- loyal and faithful, but when betrayed to my face i start to doubt a little.
i did a few name generators too, but they didn't have copy and paste links so i don't wanna bother typing them out.
Monday, January 30, 2006
year of the dog
this chinese new year wasn't so boring after all! yeah, and the reason why i'm so glad it didn't meet my expectations of cny being this boring usual sitting-around-wasting-time- at-your-grandparents'-house thing was because....it's a SUNDAY!
which means there is SUNDAY SERVICE! i was extra happy coming to church today, even though i was late and the sermon was kinda boring (no, it wasn't the topic, but rather the way the speaker chose to present it). i was thinking, what better way to celebrate CNY than to come down to my favourite place and be with my favourite person (God, aka. the person who saved and still saves my life) and see familiar faces.
yes, although i did mention in an earlier post about the problem i had with the youth, there are a few gems god chooses to place in areas like these. the oldies are still the best...thank god. oldies meaning people my age, not the septuagenarians or something......
but i did sigh inwardly when i had to leave...i always want some time to retreat, which it doesn't look like i'll get anytime soon. oh man i wish i had a plan. a plan to fly away.
it's the year of the dog this year, so it really is their year, my dogs i mean. hehe. and since it is, i am going to talk a little about them cos i love them so much (and i don't wanna sleep anyway, even though it's so late). i love all of them. i do, i do.
my dogs are....loyal. smart. intelligent. beautiful dogs, each in their own way. and way better than stuffed toys, cos not only are they cute and their fur feels way better than a stuffed toy, but they're living so they can respond and react to the environment. haha.
i thank god for dogs....i thank god for the dogs i've had, past and present. i thank god for sending these loyal, faithful friends who will always be there for me, ready to greet me and cheer me up when i come home. even if i've had a sucky day, whether outside or with things going on in the house, i can always look forward to the fact i can come home to these lovable canines.
they've never let me down, except two incidents with one of my dogs that happened because er...i sorta "betrayed" his loyalty and he remembered it (long story). but we have never ever had a fight or argument before. that's the thing about dogs, i guess, that you can never get compared to humans. probably cos we can't speak each others' language, haha. my dogs know how to say hello though. but they'll get it wrong sometimes and it'll come out as a "harrrrrro" instead of "hallo". which is kinda cute..haha.
another thing about dogs is, people will never point the finger at you if you're seen hanging out too often with a male friend or if you're caught in a uh, compromising position. haha. don't get any wrong ideas, i don't sleep with my dog, though i'd very much like to (not in the wrong sense though..haha), but i do pick him up and cuddle him, or groom him, tickle him and hold him in ways that might look pretty wrong if it was a human guy i was doing it to. hahaha. too bad he can't talk, i always say, or else i'd take him out and talk with him the whole day. haha.
and dogs, dogs are intelligent. they're way smarter than what the general consensus is, that much i can vouch. i've seen the human side of my dogs so often..especially from one of them whom i often refer to as temperamental...he's the most human dog i've ever known, in terms of emotions and displaying that he comprehends what is going on.
and my only female dog right now always reminds me a lot of...me. yes, myself. i could relate to her since young cos the way she reacts socially amongst her peers is very similar to the way i react. she's not afraid to be different even if it's not going to earn her points in people's eyes. enough said. haha.
okay, i think that's about enough for tonight. it's late and i should be sleeping...but i know i'm probably going to be up playing computer games after this. :p
Saturday, January 28, 2006
forest glades
willow trees
hiding, pushing past the leaves
quiet lake
swans sailing
sunlight covered by a canopy of leaves
one person
in the middle of it all
basking.
sigh. too bad it's all in my mind. btw i think nokia's ad for their latest l'amour collection would win top prize if it were to be handed in for my incongruity media project. putting moving illustrations of leaves and flowers together with that atmosphere of parisian love in the air through music, the couple and the background setting is not only aesthetically pleasing but stirs the emotion, 2 criterias for my project which i am supposed to fulfill. besides, i like the ad.
i would like to go missing in a place like that. i mean retreat.
so what's new
as to be expected. a day stuck at home is always a day of hell. no matter how much i try to control my anger, no matter how much i tahan, i will eventually b-u-r-s-t. and i just did. at 1.30am in the morning after the last incident for the day.
i hate my parents. i hate my brother. i hate my family. god, why oh why oh why did you put me here with them, sometimes i just shake my head and wonder.
today i was feeling very oppressed and frustrated. at the injustice done to me and at the appalling state of reason my parents choose to make some of the decisions they make. sometimes i just cannot help but ask this rhetorical question: what kind of parents would do things like this?
no, this is not some gripe for an irrational cause...i seriously feel that their style of leadership and the reasoning that goes behind their decision-making leaves a lot to question.
1. the dog's gum got a bit detached today (it was hanging out of his mouth at an unusual angle). my parents are refusing to do anything abt it or even send him to the vet.
2. my brother was playing a computer game of the "playing god" genre, the one that allows you to watch your characters bathe naked and walk around in underwear (yes, you know what game i'm talking about. i'm surprised they don't have the commands "fornicate" and "masturbate" among their choice of actions for their characters). my parents dont even care!
3. my mom got angry cos she hadnt bathed yet n she had to wait for me to finish. but other nights i'm the one who's had to wait while both my parents bathe late n it's supposed to be okay the other way round?
and a whole lot of other things. like how they always end up eating dinner extremely late and causing me to get an upset stomach when i already have a weak stomach in the first place. (can i cook? what if there's no food in the house except all those tiny tidbits that leave you craving for more and never fill you up? it's not even like i'm allowed to walk out and buy my own dinner...)
i had a new realisation about my parents today:
they don't care about the things they're supposed to be really caring about, and they care too much (until it becomes overkill) at the petty things that really don't need much caring about.
oh how warped the world is.
btw, my brother, naturally, refused to listen to me when i tried to advise him, as would any normal horny guy who becomes ensnared by the "sex sells", perverted nature of the world. the only thing i can do is pray. not exactly in the mood to pray for someone i don't particularly like, so there, but oh well i have to.
in fact the only thing i can really do about all of the above incidents is to pray.
oh i want SO much to be away from all this right now...to have just that one day of retreat to pray all day about the things that bug my mind so...but sigh, parents just don't understand. they never will. as in they don't get the whole retreat idea thing. they just don't get it.
this is one of the reasons why i miss meta uni. there are many, many times i wish i was back there again, free to be alone and collect my thoughts and talk to god about all this.
i hate this shithole. it's amazing i haven't gone insane more than i usually have this week, or the fact that i've broken down less often than usual this week with all the chaos around me. it's really God's grace.
Friday, January 27, 2006
random
impossible to love
strange to say
tired to death
darkened hour
midnight sun
ruined pushcart
small picket fence
brainless twit.
just some of the random words that are stuck in my head right now. they don't necessarily have to make any sense. some of them i remember because i've seen these words before and they were memorable to recall the incident in which i saw them.
okay i'll say the last one was a funny incident. i saw it 10 or 11 years ago (there's a story behind it, and it's not mine, but i'm too lazy to explain) and it still makes me laugh to this day. i can't believe i still remember and i don't know what made it just pop into my head out of the blue. haha.
predictability
oh, and by the way, he did turn up late again today. i just realised he had no excuse this time. and i told him to stop making excuses any more. aihhh....
i'm still not sure about our project, we'll see how it goes. today was a mixed blessing so there's still hope i won't do so badly for the module (no big fat D, please).
slanging away
it's 4. and i'm up again. posting yet another dry post. i don't know why...but i just want to stay up. no, actually i know why, it's just i can't help it. i can't help wanting to steal some peace and quiet to myself. speaking of which, my mom transformed into mrs. hitler again when i reminded her that uni applications are gonna open next week. sheesh. i don't know what to say.
she says she can't afford lodging fees. aigh. god will provide a way, wad. the way i see it, it seems pretty clear-cut to me. my parents are making up all kinds of stupid, translucent excuses as a cover-up for them secretly not wanting to let me go. aiya, think i so blind, you guys only fool yourselves. don't want to admit summore.
suddenly i feel so colloquial tonight. must splash in a bit of the lahs and aiyas. i'm half-asleep but i don't want to sleep! exhale deeply.....oh well. i seem to be saying the same thing over and over and over again. doesn't that get a bit boring i wonder, and yet i am able to put it in so many different words every time.
i happened to watch The Swan today (hey, i was waiting for my mom to finish spring-cleaning in the middle of the night okay!) and the lady who was to be surgically enhanced for the episode, Delisa, said this very interesting quote:
"I don't mind being alone, but I mind being lonely."
hmm....all i can say is, hmm...........okay i'll say more since reason's falling out the window and light-headedness is taking over. i kinda agree with what she said. there are times when i need to be alone, i've realised. it's just the way i deal with pressure. i need to "time out" and i do it as a natural defense. but, it's another thing altogether to feel lonely. thank god my "lonely" thoughts aren't attacking me now, as in recently. it feels good to feel the way you know you were meant to feel.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
feeling
lord i would like
to lie on my back
and look at the stars
every night.
to sit propped up
on my elbows
to stare at the sunsets
every evening
by the seashore.
to be reminded
of your great love
and the mercy i cling to
but yet take for granted
until you remind me
again and again.
i dare not
feel happy again
lest i get
put down again.
and yet i want to...
be free.
i cannot describe
the state of in-between
i am in.
backstreet's back
anyway, one of my friends (the lucky girl) managed to attend the backstreet boys concert yesterday night to cover the event for journ class. she said it was fantastic. sigh. wish i could've been there. all of us girls at the bench lamented that we practically grew up with BSB in our teenybopper days..i did so want to watch them too....
i saw them on tv though...them at the airport. i was thinking, darn, shoulda visited those fan sites to check their itinery! haha. brian still looks as hot as ever (dreamy look).
but ah. this is reality.
and reality bites.
but still i'm thankful. thankful He's helping me cope...temporarily.
the day's rant
owww. my eyes ache terribly. it's been a looong day. all because i had an 8am lecture today. even the previous day's drowsiness and more sleeping than usual couldn't get me feeling fresh today. the library had one of those computer chairs with a broken back that leans almost 180 degrees backward, so i used that as my bed for 2 hours, before being woken up by a guy next to me with an extremely good (read: boyish) voice...haha.
but no, i think i was mainly pissed because i wasted so much time waiting for my group partner who stood me up again. he and his stupid excuses that aren't even valid. and he calls me sarcastic and not fun to work with. whatever.
yesterday's excuse:
"i overslept."
yeah, and made me wake up fricking early and lose my sleep and cause me to feel drowsy ALL day for what? in the end he didn't even come to school. basket....
today's excuse:
"i was counselling someone."
for 3 fricking hours?? i also don't know what to say. he tried to tell me some sob story but somehow it wasn't going into my head. i mean, i know when someone's in trouble you gotta be there for them but 3 hours?? and what about your poor groupmate with apparently nothing to do but sit around in school and wait for you since 9am to 2.45pm to come out and find her?
what will tomorrow's excuse be?
i really felt like telling him i want out of our group, but there's nowhere else for me to go. it's like i jumped from the frying pan into the fire. my previous group has, to date, not handed in our previous assignment which was due, like 3 weeks ago, and this next "group" (consisting of just the two of us) looks really...promising.
i really really hope i don't get a horrible D on my transcript for this module, just before i go out and graduate. like that will look nice on my resume or application form.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
my age
haha...they actually got it right.
 You are 20 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Saturday, January 21, 2006
wasted
wasted 7 1/2 today all because i couldn't say no. okay, minus around 1 1/2 because we had Life, but still...it's quite a waste. sigh...sometimes i know i'm too nice until it's not nice for me. know what i mean? what was supposed to be just lunch turned out to be...some kind of all-day time-waster. class was supposed to be the excuse for me to leave right after, but at the last minute we found out it was cancelled.
so me being half-confused and unsure about where to go, obliged to continue the time-wasting. and then oh, it was time for Life. after that it was supposed to be a quick dinner and then off to pray. however, Life took too long and dinner together was supposedly cancelled. my stomach was at stake, so i was planning to eat somewhere nearby and was looking forward to a nice long time of quiet after that. but no, dinner was re-set and we had to drag along someone else for the ride.
after that everything else that happened made me regret that one major decision (i wasn't even the one who made it; my fault lay in the fact that i consented). maybe tiredness does funny things to different people. but if i didn't know before, i knew now that one of our friends has one of the most foulest mouths and dirty jokes among the people i usually mix around with. and that is not a good combination at all.
imagine half-drunken highs, rowdy jeers and dirty jokes. people on the bus and on the streets staring at every embarassingly rude proclamation this jerk (in his own words, at one time when he was sane) makes. and imagine me, a person who is supposed to have been preparing for prayer right after that. how would i feel? especially when the last joke was hurled at me. if i could punch him for every time he said a foul word, he'd be a bloody pulp of brinjal at the end of it.
and the fact that walking in groups is much slower than walking alone made our dinner arrive late. just great for my weak stomach.
end of story? disturbed and shortened prayer, slight anger (i'm feeling tired now so i think it's passing) and bloated (with gas) stomach. awful awful awful.
thank god after sitting here for a while the gastric pills are finally starting to take effect.
i really have to put my foot down the next time or just not reply at all. i hope i do.
--on hindsight, i guess i had extra reason to be mad because some of those jokes were made at me. or at least hinted at. and the worst part is he wasn't even drunk, he was just tired and being a blockhead. i would have just gotten out of the bus and left that jerk along to his own crude-commenting devices had it not been for my other friend's sake.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
the blessing
oh crap. i can't believe i'm still up. i said i'd originally be asleep by now! but ah...blame the wonderful people who were chatting with me till now, and the infamous bloggers who cook up humour for any heart that's in need of laughter. gosh i wish i never had to wake up to the same tomorrows....
i have this friend who smses me like every day and asks the same question over and over (since last week). "how's your day like?" and everyday my answer is exactly the same. it makes me realise my tomorrows look all the same. i can't wait for a change, can't wait to get out of this better and gladder. currently it's all the tomorrows of sorrows....
speaking of which god hit me on the head with a rubber hammer today. he said, "jessica, what about your blessings? why have you not spoken about them?" it was then that i realised god has indeed been kind to me amidst this neverending struggle of mine.
he sends beautiful sunsets, fantastic starry nights and faithful friends both old and new. the last one is something i realised i've neglected to mention here (with shame) and yet it is something i am very, very thankful for. considering i'm an insecure, lousy, desperate, sad, worried, stressed, needy person like myself.
actually there was one simple reason why i didn't dwell so much on friends; because i knew where the road would lead. and i did not want to go down there again (but what's the point? i've fallen into it anyway).
anyway i'm glad god sent his human angels in the form of you kind souls out there reading this blog and having spoken to me not too long ago (or those who aren't). yes, yes, i know God is King, so i'm not about to put friends up on a pedestal (sometimes i can get a little carried away, but i try, i try), but i realised today i really must acknowledge the one blessing that has helped me in the process of changing my life for the better, though i admit, i'm crawling like a snail in terms of growth.
and this blessing is: people. friends, to be specific. i refuse to mention names because...that's just not me...but i will say this much:
in these dark, shitty and sometimes really anger-inciting times, i am so thankful god, for You to have sent me friends who are willing to tolerate so much crap from me, overlook my flaws and just plain be there for me. i know there are dark times when i have to be alone, and i'm learning to be alone, trying, but i am thankful for the support Your blessings (my friends) have shown me.
support be it in the form of encouragement, prayers lifted up to Your throne, or even something as basic as a listening ear (or what my friend calls "a sounding board"). thank You so much for allowing me to cross paths with them at this particular time and place and i pray i might be able to do the same for them or others and pass the blessing on in due time.
i thank You for the influx of new and faithful friends in my life, amidst the 'old faithfuls'....and i thank You for speaking to me through them. in fact You have half-answered my prayer in a way: i am learning what "love" is as it is, learning how to experience a taste of Your love through them.
but i still look to You, the source, for more. help me to be patient as You prune the various fruit of the Spirit in me in Your own time. just give me the will to carry on and the hope that comes from You only.
Amen.
name decoders
hmm....sounds a bit too technical for me....
ah...that's more like it.
not that i want to be forever angry though. but my family seems to know how to rub me up the wrong way....
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
my fried-up brain
it's 4am and i'm still up....not good, not good. but then again i slept almost all day today. so....shouldn't that make up? i don't know. all i know is i love the freedom and quiet that comes with the night and i wish it would last forever so i never have to wake up to all that crap.
erm, erm....what to blog about now that won't take so long....
can't find anything really. everything i've thought about will take pretty long to type out. except new year resolutions............but i forgot most of them, cos they were really vague this year compared to previous years. i wrote them down in my notebook but i'm too lazy to fish it out...i can only think of one clear one:
LEARN HOW TO DRIVE
yeah, i can't wait to. another one i thought of was to
GET MY OWN PLACE TO STAY
but that's no guarantee, since i still don't know what to do with my life yet. uni, work, uni, work....i don't know. what i do know is i know less about work than i do about uni though...but on the other hand, work is tempting, cos it'll help me achieve the above resolution. if i go to uni it's....uncertain.
i'm still waiting for a clear directive from above to lead me into the right decision. i mean, i trust i'll make the right decision when the time comes (cos i eventually have to make a decision), but until then i kinda want Him to confirm it along the way as well. right now confirmation is...sketchy. i don't want to ask for signs like, 'oh if i see a red lorry today i'll know you want me to go to uni' kind of thing, cos i know that's not how god works.
sure, some people say look at gideon or look at moses, but those two asked for signs to confirm very major decisions in their lives, decisions that would affect god's people, god's kingdom and not just them. my decision, though decidedly big, isn't going to affect multitudes in a great way. at least i don't see it happening now. the face of history is not going to change because of one person deciding to go to work instead of uni.
right now i do have a small plan in mind (haha), but we'll see if that plan is really worth anything or not when the time comes. maybe god put that plan into my head, or maybe it was from me...i'll find out when the fruits of it start to show. right now i can't implement it yet cos the time isn't right...but it will be, soon.
the toe
...speaking of which, i took off my gauze dressing from the doctor's today, under the insistent nagging of my mom. and it looks worse than i thought it would be. i think i shouldn't have taken it off and left it on like the doctor said, because along with the removal of the gauze came a bit of the skin that grew back over the wound (i'm talking about the main area). all the other cuts nearby weren't so bad, but the part where the skin got torn off was just....eugh.
just some red hole which looked deeper than normal. and a bit of new skin on the gauze. sigh. i look to god, the healer of wounds, both physical and emotional, to do his work in me. can't wait to come out of this a brand new person with brand new skin on my toe.
god, i don't know if me getting bitten by the dog had anything to do with you not wanting me to go out of the house. i'm not sure. but if me wanting to get out of the house and find a quiet place to commune with you minus all the noise in the house (besides recollecting my thoughts) is in accordance with your will, then heal me swiftly, cover up the open gap where my skin has yet to grow back and enable me to get well enough to walk...walk to that place where i last had that unfinished conversation with You last week.
in Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.
the plan
i had actually planned to hide somewhere for a lot of nights this week. i don't exactly mean staying there and not coming home, but i had planned to actually spend most of my nights hiding out somewhere which i had, erm, discovered by chance last week. intended to use that limited time to really talk to god and sort out all the thoughts in my head...
i was even telling god in silenced desperation sunday night in the bath (too bad the walls have ears) i can't take it anymore and how i would very much look forward to that time with him. but monday came and i got bitten by the dog.....and now half the week is about to be gone. i don't think i'll get much of a chance next week since it's chinese new year and all.
why don't i tell my parents i need some time out? because they just don't understand. they really don't. and they don't listen at all, so even if i tried explaining it to them like i did last year, they would just cover it with a layer of their opinions and not even take into account what i just said. it's almost as if i never said anything. and then the accusations would start. that i'm the problem and there's nothing wrong with our family, yadda yadda yadda.
back to the aforementioned plan to flee...i still want to, more so than ever. i just hope my foot heals in time before the week has passed. speaking of which, i took off my gauze dressing from the doctor's today, under the insistent nagging of my mom.
and i'll continue with yet another post.
jessica: 0, anger: 1
i never wanted it to be this way. home feels like such a
prison
pressure-cooker
testing ground
murder
hell
shithole.
i always thought the home was
a place you could retreat to
a place to settle down
a refuge from the outside world
a solace
some form of solitudal comfort.
instead, i get a nightmare of a house where all the four walls are listening and i feel muted, isolated and stifled from being myself.
sighhhhhh........
how i long for the day where i can finally buy my own home, or at least get a decent room of my own to live in, away from this horrible, horrible family of mine.
i feel so sad and stifled and yet i cannot cry. or at least cry as much as i would like to. i can't even mourn for my friend who passed away last week, can't call his mom to talk to her, can't even hang around in church last sunday to offer my condolences. all because of my stupid family. sigh..........
i felt so stifled today. all i wanted today was to run to somewhere quiet and think, pray, cry, moan, weep, do whatever it is i do when i'm alone but i couldn't even get away. the rooms here are either barred from entry (under construction), or full of annoying family members that can only come up with hurtful, sarcastic, cutting words if you show even the least bit of sadness or agony in your eyes. they are the people i least turn to simply because they are a family that does not how to love.
once again i was asking god the rhetorical question, "god, how on earth did i end up in this family?". sigh. only He knows that the reason i ask that question is not to get an answer but rather to express the internal pain, desperation, anger and mish-mash of emotions i have in me that are dying to be let out but at the same time bottlenecked by this requirement to be a "christian" aka. someone who loves and tolerates shit from their own flesh and blood.
yesterday i was able to elude anger but today anger caught me totally off-guard. today was the brother-irritates-the-hell-out-of-his-sister day.
1.
it started in the afternoon when he started kicking the dog mercilessly. i think i've figured out the main cause of why he (the dog) bites me. he's afraid of my brother the monster so he lashes out at me. that makes me wish so hard my brother gets mutilated one of these days so he can feel the inward pain and torture he inflicts on the dog.
long story short, me and my brother got into a fight. me, with my temporary handicap, was at a disadvantage. in the end, the car got hit with an umbrella. parents come out. what happens next, you imagine for yourself.
the rest of the afternoon was wasted and horrible for me because i was trying to find a quiet place away from all the shouting and the noise but i never really did, so i fell asleep. even though i got up at 2plus today. the things i could've done if i had my own room...
2.
incident two was a little after dinner. the family dropped me off at home while they went to get some stuff and i thought, thank god, i can finally breathe now....but that wasn't really the case.
i got home, started to feel lonely. realised i haven't socialised with the outside world since sunday. the environment started to get to me. rubble, dust, things piled up sky-high everywhere. tried calling like one or two people up...before i realised that most of my friends are currently in singapore. the people from jb i called up weren't free anyway, so that's that. and then i tried praying or talking to god, but i just felt too unsettled and distracted by the surroundings to do so.
so i turned to a bit of online interaction and even the chance to spill out some of my thoughts to god (read: blog). but before i could do much, my brother came back. i had been using his computer (or rather, the computer allotted to him) to log on, cos this stupid com here has no access to msn and internet explorer, thus forcing me to resort to the next best alternatives: web messenger and mozilla firefox. and web has, well, limited capabilities compared to msn. firefox is bad for some websites with bad scripts.
over dinner my mom banned him from the computer cos my brother sweared too much (okay, so that command usually goes unheeded, but all the same it was a valid reason...). so here i am, just settling in, about to blog...and then i hear the car coming in the driveway. shit. next moment, my brother comes barging in and calls the police (my parents). the police come, and .... they scream, shout, yell and remove all hope of ever settling down at that point.
they refuse to listen to reason as usual, so no amount of justification or reminding them about my mom's threat can help. at that point i am so pissed i am about to half-cry, half-get angry. in the end i just entered one of the barred rooms and locked myself in dusty silence for an hour. sigh. it's tough to stay sane and live in here. the saying "too close for comfort" comes to mind.
i'll continue in a new post.
--edit: for this case, i find the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" particularly true as well. meaning, well, i think both me and my family need some time apart from each other. but i'm not gonna get it.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
add on
"Singing without tongues, screaming without lungs
I want more than my lonely nation,
I want more than my lonely nation
Desperate we are young, separate we are one.
I want more than my desperation, I want more than
my lonely nation..." -- Lonely Nation, Switchfoot
some people leave footprints in your life
but others leave stabwounds in your heart.
or worst still, wounds that never heal..or haven't healed yet.
yes, i want more than my lonely nation.
i know there is more to life than this.
desperation must lose its grip in order for us to proceed.
why can't we all be children of the light
as we're truly meant to be?
to stand strong in our positions as beacons of hope
to ourselves and to others around us?
imagine if every person knew what it really meant
to be a child of god.
--
would like to type much more about switchfoot's latest album when i have the time, but i have to sleep soon or mrs. hitler will come and nag at me.
him and anger
but back to the dog bite, during the point after i got bitten i started thinking how it's funny that all of a sudden, since last year, my dog decides to bit me way more often than usual, compared to the previous years where i've only had one of two bites from him. why is he getting so temperamental this past year, i wonder. i know he thinks a lot, i saw him in a wistful, half-distracted state of mind in front of the door grill today (even my waving a finger at him or calling him didn't snap him out of his thoughts immediately) and i've seen in the past how very human he is....and no, i'm not joking, i'm totally serious as incredible as this sounds.
and i wonder, what goes through that doggy mind of his. this thought just came to me...what if a dog whisperer spoke to him..what would she find out? he must be biting easily for a reason...meaning he must be pretty unhappy with the home that he's in. unhappier this past year than usual. already i can bring to mind all the nasty things my brother has done to him, and how i always have to defend him from my brother, whose main goal in life seems to be to disturb and irritate the shit out of the people around him. me, my mom, him (the dog i'm talking about)... but oh well.
maybe he's unhappy about being scolded whenever he sneaks out of the house. i saw my mom screaming and shouting at him after he started pawing at the gate to be let in for straying out. immediately he attacked his brother in anger...which is what i used to do last time when my dad beat me up real bad, as evil as it seems to inflict pain on others. so i kind of understood that...but the worst thing is my mom started taking a new stick, a pokier, sharper one, to seek him out and beat him. finally i got her to stop, after he snarled, bit the stick a few times and got hit himself.
maybe. or maybe it could be that he's just as unhappy as i am about the current evil that has befallen us all...this stupid construction. maybe he hates the dust and rubble that collects outside the house that gives him dusty paws and worsens his sinus / allergy problem. maybe he's so pissed with the space he's confined to, now that he can't roam all over the house like he used to, which might mean a lot to him since he's the leader of the pack and all. maybe that's why he gets double angry when my mom scolds him when all he's trying to do is find a place to space out, kind of like the way i try to find hideouts to retreat to and my mom can't understand why i can't just retreat at home.
but then again he bit me way before construction started too. or maybe he's just jealous when i play with his siblings. jealous even though i always try my best to spend equal time with them.
there has to be a reason. dogs don't just bite like that, especially if they are sane most of the time. somehow i lost his trust along the way, i can see that. because if he still trusted me, he would be okay with me touching his fur no matter how many times i do it, the way his siblings are.
i don't know the reason. all i know is, i'm tired, i'll stop speculating, and i'll just try my very hardest not to touch him anymore. which is kinda hard when he comes bounding up to me with the rest or when he tries to get my attention by standing up on his hind legs and using his front paws to paw me when i'm petting his more affable, gentle brother.
yawn. it's been a dog's day.
--edit. it turns out the first guess was the correct answer. now i understand, i must be careful when handling him.
of dog bites and diffusing anger
i got bitten by my dog. again. for like, the 5th time in one year. guess i never learn... :p.
but i'm still happy enough to show a smiley...because, it isn't that serious this time. compared to the last one in december, which was the worst i had ever seen in my life. so much blood i panicked like hell and went into state of mild shock for awhile. no, not this time. thank god.
same foot as the last, but this time on the 2nd toe...mostly. skin torn off a bit there, and grazes on the rest of the foot, but other than that i'm fine. bathing was a difficulty though...so hard to avoid splashing water onto my toe. in the end i failed...sort of. i got the grazes wet..but the gauze dressing around my 2nd toe was dry.
at least i didn't need a tetanus jab this time, since i had it the last. so that saved my parents some money, especially my mom, who was being so naggy (naturally) on the way to the doc's. but i don't know why, by the grace of god, i was surprisingly calm in my response to her.
hey friend, i tried your tactic of speaking in a strangely calm, low tone of voice everytime my mom started to raise her voice and yell...and it actually works after awhile. i think it makes her feel silly...her shouting like a kid while i'm calm like an adult. hah. you're totally right...i shall try that again...if i have the patience to like i did today.
my dad did his stupid sarcasm trick again but at one point i just kinda unintentionally told him off. i said what i said in my other post (minus the word "hell"): "i don't know what you're trying to achieve with your sarcastic remarks like that"...n the worst part is i said it when his fellow worker came over to pick him up..haha. mean person that i am. i didn't stop to hear further, cos he was outside and i was in the house. but that totally silenced the sarcasm for the rest of today.
but still, anger-less as i was with my parents, the devil actually found means and ways to piss me off otherwise...and i wasn't even aware at first it was him. i won't say much, but a lot of swear words started popping into my head as i got angry at the things i did. most of it had to do with the stuff around the house and how it was even harder for me to walk safely through all the sharp edges and pieces jutting out, now that i was temporarily unable to walk properly.
but even that was fleeting...i just did a lot of swearing in my head and a lot of blowing wind out through my mouth. i tried that trick (the former) just a few days ago, dunno how i picked it up, but it actually seems to work..seems to calm me down at least a little.
now the real biggie was after my bath when i started thinking about...the slip-shot job a certain establishment i'm involved in is doing. cos the leader messaged me today about an errand and when i replied that i wanted a change of date, she didn't reply. as usual. i wasn't angry at the moment, which was much earlier in the day, post-lunch, but after my midnight bath it started to get to me. she didn't even pick up the phone when i called..several times.
and then i started thinking of how it's always a norm with her and how we cannot get a lot of things done due to people in the establishment just plain not caring enough to carry things out. and i started to get pissed because it's a christian establishment and i always feel that if i'm doing something for the lord, or something related to his kingdom work, i should at least do a good job of it or i'm not glorifying god enough.
oh well. that's just me. and then i started thinking about similar incidents and people in the past...and then when i felt my anger rising, that's when god let me know that these thoughts were not of my own.
thank you lord, for diffusing my anger and making me aware of it.
the game of four
i was passing through blogs randomly when i came across this. i got this from megs, who got it from someone else, who got it from someone else...i followed the link down to the 4th person. i think he's the first. anyway, here it is:
The Game of Four
Four jobs youve had in your life:
toilet cleaner, roadsweeper, garbage cleaner, pr admin clerk. though the last one was the only one i ever really had, they all belong in the same type of group..("p)
Four movies you could watch over and over:
the matrix, lotr: the two towers, talented mr ripley, sweet november
Four places you've lived:
jb, singapore...that's a bout it
Four TV shows you love to watch:
felicity, x-files, scrubs, project runway
Four places youve been on vacation:
oz, nz, the rest of peninsula malaysia
Four websites you visit daily:
gmail, blogger, mel (school admin login), hypemag (journ class login)
Four of your favorite foods:
pasta, roti telur, tuna, ice-cream
Four places you'd rather be:
anywhere but here...a quiet beach in rotorua, pgp, in god's arms, a reasonably safe hotel room. all i wanna do right now is retreat.
Four albums you cant live without:
jars of clay - much afraid, dc talk - supernatural, splendor -
halfway down the sky, switchfoot - new way to be human
Next four tagged:
what's the use...i don't think they'll take up the challenge anyway. therefore i tag anybody who reads this :) ...and mary-ruth. mwahaha. kena bomb now so u gotta post this on your blog :D.
Monday, January 16, 2006
btw
btw: there's something else i found out today in church which was shocking and saddening, but since it's super late now and i wanted to type it out proper since it's a tribute to honour him, i shall do it another day like tmr when i'm free.
church youth
okay, it's time to let the cat out the bag...officially. if it's not already noticeable in the past from some of the hints here, i'll make it clear today. and i am not afraid because it is the truth and i realised that i'm not the only one who feels this way, nor am i part of a minority who does. because this group of people is...larger than i initially thought, thanks to mutual sharing sessions in the recent past.
wanted to type and all, but me being long-winded, and tomorrow being a school day, decided i could make things easier for myself by inserting part of an msn message i just had below. it's been edited to only include the relevant parts, and i've added in extra comments here and there which i didn't have time to explain at the time, for further understanding:
made new says:
and i nearly wanted to skip church today
made new says:
hargh.skipped youth though...or shud i say, i walked out halfway
made new says:
i just felt more n more like i'm not wanted there
Matt 6:27 says:
oh how come?
made new says:
n today was just as bad i guess...
made new says:
i realised that i blend so much into the background ever since the young ones took over
made new says:
i used to play the piano for youth...these days no one even recommends me or asks me to guide them, cos erm, dont mean to be rude but our current band is still not up to standard
i wanted to add in that usually in the past, the youth learned how to play their instruments better through guidance from old hands, aka. the ones who used to play. but they'd rather not ask me and try to struggle through the notes themselves than request for my help, which i would not hesitate to give. except one of them, who did ask me a few times...but seems to be constantly pressured not to ask me anymore.
and then suddenly when some of our youth from overseas doing further studies return, they ask them eagerly to help them out and coach them and stuff. they even get them to play (their instruments) again for some of the sessions, whereas i, on the other hand, haven't even been asked to play for ages. in fact a few months back, the adult advisor himself said i was a forgotten pianist, to paraphrase. he encouraged them to ask me to play for some of their sessions but that never came to pass.
don't get me wrong, i am not so egoistic that i have to get asked to play the piano, but i feel that if god gave me these talents and these talents are being wasted away, i am not glorifying god. furthermore, it's not so much about not being asked to play, but rather that this is one of the things they do that added to me feeling like i'm thin air aka. invisible when i walk into youth.
Matt 6:27 says:
do u have like a cell group
made new says:
we have a failed cells
made new says:
failed
made new says:
supposed to have, but like so many other plans for youth, it failed
Matt 6:27 says:
oh gosh okie
Matt 6:27 says:
cells are quite impt leh
made new says:
they're trying to revive it again, but ...sigh. i'm supposed to be one of the leaders for a brood of [tweenagers]
make no mistake, i am not against leading a group of young people, but there's a difference between leading a cell group and being part of a cell group. where does a leader go to to get encouraged? especially if their own group is somewhat younger and therefore less able to respond or relate to the problems the leader faces?
i mean i have, gradually, revealed some of my problems to them, but..i don't expect them to respond the way someone else my age would, which is understandable, since they're young and they have yet to experience many forthcoming pains in this world.
made new says:
yes they are
made new says:
which is why i was seriously contemplating again whether i shud go over to [another] church n find a cell grp
made new says:
n i guess what made me squirm even more today was that,
made new says:
i was looking at the band playing, n i realised that they have all their favorites there. cos there's this dominant grp of "popular" ones in youth, that pretty much override everyone else
made new says:
n i just wasnt too happy with the fact that
Matt 6:27 says:
ahh i see...
made new says:
when ppl from overseas, those who are my age, [from further studies] come back, they're treated like heroes.
Matt 6:27 says:
oh okie
made new says:
they even acknowledge them publicly in the announcements like today
made new says:
but like me, who's always been there, it's like i dont even exist
made new says:
n even when i came back last yr, after not going for 3 mths due to this prob, it was as if i never left
made new says:
was asking god again today, is this the church u want me to stand by?
made new says:
or shud i say youth
made new says:
church is fine actually...main church i mean
made new says:
ppl say hi, the church funded my [mission trip] last yr, they ask me to play (piano) for main service
made new says:
but youth is totally different
Matt 6:27 says:
hmm.....okie
made new says:
still got no answer [from god]
made new says:
but am seriously considering now
made new says:
rem i said the only thing that's keeping me here is the so-called commitments?
such as leading a cell group, or others (i shall not go into detail). i did think about it today when i was talking to god about it, but i realised that all these "commitments" never really come to fruition due to the nature of our youth administration. our admin nature is such that most plans don't get implemented fully, and even if you suggest them or try to get them going, most eventually burn out and fail in the long run due to laziness, not being serious about it, etc. and one of these half-baked plans was the cell groups.
it was one of the sole convincing reasons why i took a 3-month break from the youth. i found that i was doing it alone, the leading. which is pretty hard if you don't get backing from the overall system. i felt strongly that, in every church-related thing i do for the church, the church should support me fully for it, or else it becomes a selfish, one-person, human-led agenda instead of a collective, god-led agenda from the body of christ.
and anything that's not god-led is...as the verse says, "unless the lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain." (psalm 127:1)
Matt 6:27 says:
uh huh
made new says:
am wondering if i shud jus drop them like u said
made new says:
still thinking about it
made new says:
hmm....still wondering. should i or shouldn't i...
made new says:
i also started to ask god what is the reason why people choose to join the churches that they join?
made new says:
one reason was whether the doctrine taught was right
Matt 6:27 says:
yup
made new says:
okay, check.
made new says:
but the other one was pretty hard...it was a double-ended question:
Matt 6:27 says:
double ended?
made new says:
another reason why ppl join the churches that they join becos it's supposed to make them grow. but what is the definition of growth?
made new says:
as in: is growth a) people in the church supporting you and encouraging you in your spiritual growth, or b) the church itself providing a good testing ground for you to grow in suffering as you endure the shit that happens there?
Matt 6:27 says:
supposed to be reason a) i guess
made new says:
u sure? i'm feeling confused becos of that
made new says:
cos i realised my church, i mean my youth, has taught me a lot of things in a painful way thru the years
Matt 6:27 says:
why do u endure "shit" in a church
Matt 6:27 says:
a church is not supposed to have "shit"
made new says:
but there's no perfect church rite?
Matt 6:27 says:
ahhhh....
Matt 6:27 says:
of course its not, but politics and discrimination are not very christian-like is it?
made new says:
ya
Matt 6:27 says:
if u claim to follow the word, but u do not act like according to it, what examples are u setting
made new says:
but every church seems to have that rite? it's jus how much of it there is in the church. rite?
Matt 6:27 says:
i suppose so
made new says:
ya. that's sth i'm confused about i guess
made new says:
or unsure of.
made new says:
i'm questioning whether it is selfish to ask for a church that at least acknowledges me when i come or can at least lend some mutual support in a cell grp or sth, or whether it's god's plan for me to stick it out and just grow the hard way through enduring all this every week, as if the church is some testing ground or sth for the real world
Matt 6:27 says:
ok i see where u are coming from here
Matt 6:27 says:
i really dunno, but continue to pray abt it yeah
made new says:
i will
made new says:
i did that actually...for like the 3 mths that i didn't come for youth last year, but i came up with no answers, no sign or anything. so in the end i just decided to come back...
made new says:
i came back partly also cos my close friend [was] persuading me to return
Matt 6:27 says:
yah
Matt 6:27 says:
oh okie okie
Matt 6:27 says:
a few close friends is a lot better to feeling "popular"
made new says:
but i've never wanted to be popular...i just dont want to be ignored
what i meant was, i don't want to be ignored in church, because a church is supposed to support its members (it's in the new testament...acts i think).
that is something i became really disturbed about again...and i realised i haven't been thinking so much about it since school and all its distractions (deadlines, workloads, etc.) started. heh.
untitled
urgh. i couldn't sign out of my msn groups even though i clicked the stupid button like 13, 14 times...and then finally i went into msn passports and managed to sign out that way. now that i know for sure (before this it wasn't confirmed) msn is so lousy, i shall not enter any groups there. i've only got one this sem and it's my school assignment forum..cos generally i try not to use anything msn-related. which was why it took me so long to sign up for msn messenger...which was in february last year, when i had no choice and my schoolmates wanted to discuss our assignments online..haha.
and friendster is, well, screwing up.
so i decided to come here and blog...but actually i already intended to before this. my mind is filled with so many things today that i need to spit out.
and yesterday i really lost control of time...slept like 5 plus just because i spent 3 hours trying to get over something, but the act of trying to get over something became a distraction and before i knew it, i was surfing the internet uselessly, as if i could afford to laze around all night.
and it didn't help that the killers was playing softly in the background..so softly in fact, that mr. brightside couldn't rouse me up. it was that kind of lazy, relaxing feeling you get when you just want to sit down and stay frozen in that situation forever. what to do, had to take into consideration that the rest of my family was asleep and their room was nearby...
okay i'll start in a new post regarding the "item of the day" that hit me today.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
past vs present
this was me last year on 2nd August:
"i wish i could impart my great yet quiet joy into him, to give him the surprisingly bounding happiness i have inside of me rite now that the Lord has filled me with." i can't even remember writing this. but i did, i took it down. i want the same joy too. it's encouraging to read, though. imagine, me encouraging myself from another different time. sounds so back to the future...haha.
well at least this shall be my parting thought before i log off tonight.
paedophilic
i am so sickofied of friendster female pics that look a tad bit paedophilic. it's okay if the girl is naturally pretty but she doesn't have to pose until like so unnatural lidat...i mean, who goes walking around with a tilted head and a seemingly-innocent pose in spaghetti straps? they have the face of angelic little girls but they dress like women sluts.
sounds so plastic to me. what gives?
don't get me wrong, i'm not against spaghetti straps but the way the shots are taken is just plain unnatural.
and what in the world am i doing up anyway?
actually this is just a distraction. have been disturbed by something for the most part of tonight. aih...shouldn't have led myself on...
killing
Change Your Mind
by the KILLERS
Racey days
Help me through the hopeless haze
But my oh my
Tragic eyes
I can't even recognize myself behind
So if the answer is no
Can I change your mind?
Out again, a siren screams at half past ten
And you won't let go
While I ignore, that we both felt like this
Before it starts to show
So if I had a chance
Would you let me know?
Why aren't you shaking
Step back in time
Graciously taken
Oh you're too kind
And if the answer is no
Can I change your mind?
We're all the same
And love is blind
The sun is gone
Before it shines
And I said if the answer is no
Can I change your mind?
--
the answer is no.
anger what?
i just realised the irony of what i just said. anger shall not grip me today...hahaha. but i wasn't particularly angry per se at the fako-s...i was just displeased. mainly disappointed i guess. hoping that they would change but they didn't and don't look like they will anytime soon.
shoutouts
i don't know what the hell is my dad trying to achieve by making all those sarcastic remarks like that. does he expect me to go, "ooooh, thank you for being so fricking cynical to me, it really makes me feel loved at home?"
oklah. full stop. i shall stop it at here and not continue further. anger will not grip me today. and anyway i've found something else to occupy myself with (which i am going to write about in the next paragraph).
i absolutely, absolutely hate it when fake christians (aka. people who choose to continue living out a deplorable way of life while maintaining a generally 'holy' attitude in front of me) blog. it is the one main reason why i no longer their frequent their blogs...but once in a while i will come back to see if they've changed and i see no change at all.
okay, okay, i know nobody's perfect and we're all hypocrites at some point or another (credit goes to my friend for pointing that out to me some time ago) and everyone has the right to blog whatever they want, but...urgh...it's just really distasteful (and disappointing) to see them openly approving of sin online. i mean, it's one thing to sin, but it's another to approve of it or act like it's all right to do so when you seem to behave otherwise in front of me.
which brings me back to the same point: fakeness. i can't stand fake people. they are my one pet peeve. i know god says to forgive and i'm slowly learning to accept them, but just because i accept them as they are doesn't mean i agree with their policies or actions.
speaking of fake, some people are really 'poser'. especially when they try to imitate something that doesn't come naturally to them. enough said.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
parents are shit
if they had an Anger Factor as a spin-off from Fear Factor, one of the challenges they could get the participants to do is to spend a day in with my parents. that'd be really tough to beat, i'm sure. construction was a mistake right from the start. up till today i haven't heard of anybody renovating their four walls with people still living inside.
it's just provoking to come back home everyday and see all your items coated with a fresh coat of dust and rubble. and having hitler for a mother doesn't help either.
what NO means under the dictatorship style
NO
don't ask why, it just is
NO, it's non-negotiable
it's NO because we say so
NO, we don't want to hear your side of the story
one would imagine that this conservative approach would be fit to be applied to a 5 year old, but not to someone 4 times that age. and they expect me to be like this stupid robotic goodie two-shoes and be happy being restricted, constrained and kept up in a box like that. but then again, i know the reason they treat me this way is 'cos they think i'm still five.
seriously, they have this really misrepresented image of me. they think i am this stupid, blur, gullible little girl who can't tell right from wrong and can easily get swayed by the ways of this world. and this is not just speculation on my part, 'cos i've heard it said to my face so many times (but not in one complete sentence like this). and everytime i try to tell them i'm not, they don't believe me.
i suggested in a polite way today whether my mother would let me stay in a student hostel for one week (amounting to S$60). her response? scream, shout, yell as if i had suggested committing the unpardonable sin. ranting away about how S$60 = RM150 and what not. walking away is probably the best thing i ever did. i mean, hello,it costs RM150 a night at a hotel and i don't see why 1 week isn't a steal, especially since today you just kicked me out of my brother's room which i've been sleeping in and there's barely space to sleep in the master bedroom with everyone crammed inside (ugh).
and that's not the only incident today. i was really amazed i didn't blow up like i usually do. not that i didn't feel like doing so, because i was exhaling through my mouth like so many times tonight...and surprisingly i think that actually works. that and the grace of god, the enabling spirit He has given me to just tahan my parents and defuse the anger.
but it's amazing how cold, laconic and uncaring they can be at times. i mean, some of the things they do really have me wondering if they know how to do parenting or not. how can parents do this kind of thing? is the most fundamental question i ask myself.
it just gets better and better every day.
i think some of my dad's sarcasm has rubbed off on me. but he's way worse than this cos his remarks sting like hell.
conflict with my parents again has got me thinking if i should just work for the sake of getting away from them or not, or if it's even possible that i don't have to stay with them if i further my studies in uni.
Friday, January 13, 2006
killers and stars
the following is what i typed on my friendster blog which i intended to type in and expand upon here:
blogger is all screwy tonight...can't even log in. but my fingers are itching to write, so i guess there's no choice but to use this. oww...my right eye stings from the bright lights and screen, but my spirit sure doesn't wanna sleep. i think the melody for the killers' "on top" is pretty good...especially the chorus. though the topic mentioned in the lyrics are something i wouldn't agree with..in terms of relevance i think "smile like you mean it" comes the closest. it was just by chance that the person who borrowed their Hot Fuss album from the library returned it like 4 minutes before i checked its status again. and it's so tak kena...they have the killers in the library but not the bravery. i mean, those two go hand in hand! but i must admit, there is a subtle difference between the two, and imo, i think the killers' music is better. the sky looked fantastic tonight. thin veil of clouds, conveniently parting where orion is, with the moon in a halo of its own, this bright lunar rainbow. no shooting stars this time, but it was satisfactory visual pleasure just the same. the night sky never fails to amaze me and strike me dead speechless in awesome wonder of His creation. that the same entity who created me created stuff as mysterious, magnificent and as big as the stars is a comforting thought indeed. wish i could look at the stars everyday, or live in a glass house with a transparent rooftop. i think it does me good therapy. i just can't describe it but my mind just goes totally blank when i look at the stars, or a brilliant display of sunset. try as i might, i can't seem to focus on anything other than the magnificent sight in front of me. and that can actually be a good thing sometimes.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
a bit more
yet another untitled piece of work
by me
1
your soul slides out
your emotions slide in
they both intertwine
the thoughts within
pain hurt grief
sorrow tears...joy
hope within
burns like a fire
filled with the spirit
--
2
sometimes we feel like doing
just the opposite of what we should be doing
curiosity gives in to pain
all for the false hope of satisfaction
a slim chance
that would be overshadowed
broken pieces
of a shattered heart
glued together
and moulded, waiting...
to become a stronger,
more beautiful heart
--
speaking of the word 'beautiful', that was one of god's new year messages to me and it came through a very unlikely source, as was his other message. i'll explain more if i have the time and if i remember.
and by the way, this verse of a recent switchfoot song keeps ringing in my ears, if it's not being played back already, haha. food for thought:
"war and love become pedantic,
we wage love with a mistletoe."
--switchfoot, easier to love
p.s. speaking of which (and i know i'm repeating), i think i'm a pedant. cos i've started returning to my anal, pedantic self again this week which shows itself in school projects which i think can be done better. but at least i've been biting my lip and trying to hold back the perfectionist in me this time, cos i know it can get a bit annoying, judging from past experience last year with my sub-editing of our newspaper and magazine projects.
but what keeps me so particular is because i want the grades i guess. and if possible, i don't want to be dragged down by group members who are more of an "i just want to finish my duty, get it over and done with" type and don't seem to want anything more than a passing mark. and i'm saying this not only for this week but for my whole duration of studies here in general.
side note
as a side note, before i force myself to go to sleep (i'm tired but there's something in my spirit that wants to enjoy this much-wanted freedom from work), i realised i didn't post my speculations and resolutions here for 2006 like i usually do (is that what i usually do on this blog? i think it is).
but that doesn't mean i didn't keep them in mind or make any resolutions, because i did...but they were less specific i guess...cos 2006 is pretty much an unknown year for me, what with me graduating into the unknown and all. but it's this very factor of the unknown that causes the hope in me for a better year to rise.
better as in...well, i'd like to get my morale up for one. and find total security in christ instead of being my usual incomplete, insecure self. as for better circumstances...of course in my heart of hearts, that is what i would want since i'm only human...but if He wants to continue to break me and do that good work in me that He is doing now in order for me to shine with His likeness and glory, then so be it.
sleep
i finally found the holy grail of sleeping places in singapore this week. all the while it was there my whole three years and i have no idea why i did not consider it in the first place. what's more, i even visited it in my first year.
but whatever it is, i am glad to have finally found it...okay, so i'm graduating in 6 weeks' time, but better late than never, especially since school's as busy (and stressful) as ever. and i've found, even more so this week, that a few minutes of sleep can do just wonders to my level of morale. i've also found, adversely, that lack of sleep can make me a very depressive, melancholic person. i think that's when the devil attacks the most.
coming back for classes and group projects this week was like going into the thick of the educational forest, or whatever you call it. i haven't had much time to contemplate on what god exposed me to at meta, or the messages He transmitted to me there.
all i've been doing is either working on the neverending group project which i so regret joining, trying to find a place to sleep, or actually sleeping. okay, so i did do other things in between, but these were the most obvious in my life this week. which is why i was so grateful to finally be able to find somewhere comfy and cooling enough to sleep at for awhile until i get back.
why can't i just go home and sleep? well besides the obvious reason, which is home is no more a place of peace or rest for me, even more so now that i don't even have my own room, it's also cos i'm mostly stuck in singapore waiting for the peak human jam hour to clear up in order to go back without being molested or mauled by dirty, smelly, pushy, unscrupulous travellers. i say travellers, because they don't just belong to one nationality.
but erm, the only peeve (and real bummer) is that the place i am able to sleep in has very scarce transport. yeah, that's the sucky part. i wasted like, 2 hours the other day trying to hail a taxi or bus to get home. and blame the nearby expressway for having an accident, thus clogging up the traffic and thereby making all the taxi drivers not want to accept passengers. and i know this for a fact because the taxi i finally got into, which was several mrt stops, a few wasted phone calls and 2 hours away, had an uncle who told me all about it.
even if the place wasn't jammed, who wants to waste money on taxi, especially since it costs double the rate than your original currency and it's not even for an important purpose?
but the comfort level there is really awesome -- it's nice and plush to lie on. and i really do need to sleep when i'm under extreme sleep deprivation and my energy's failing me.
so i guess i'll have to weigh both factors in.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
golden
no prizes for guessing where i was tonight. actually that sentence doesn't even make sense. i'm half asleep and i know i should be sleeping now cos i got an early lecture. anyway i thank god for the starry night tonight and for giving me the space to sit outside and stare at his creation, basking in his peace and in thoughts of prayer to him.
lord, although you said in your Word your love can never be fully known here, i want to feel how broad and how deep, how long and how wide your love is. (i can't remember the bible reference but this whole sentence was a paraphrase from one of paul's letters).
help me to love being alone with you, lord. i want to feel your love and your comfort and reassurance that you're there for me. i want to claim my security in you as a child of god. bring to mind your promises for this daughter of yours. help me to truly feel and know what it means to be your child.
and give me the strength to overcome evil with good. and the ability to control my anger when my parents provoke me and give all the hurts covered beneath to you.
[on another tangent, i thank you i'm not living in the holocaust era and i thank you for your grace for sparing me from that..everything else seems to pale in comparison. and even though my head has been filled with horrific pictures and info from the holocaust for the past week due to my school project, i thank you for sparing me from bad dreams and keeping me safe from nightmares.]
and lastly, (but not the least), keep me safe from the evil one and his tricks. help me not to fall for his mind games and keep me close by your side. fill me with your spirit of power, love and self-control (reference: timothy).
amen.
Golden
by SWITCHFOOT
She's alone tonight with a bitter cup and
She's undone tonight, she's all used up
She's been staring down the demons
who've been screaming she's
just another so and so, another so and so
You are golden, you are golden child
You are golden, don't let go, don't let go tonight
There's a fear that burns like trash inside
And your shame the curse that burns your eyes
You've been hiding in the bedroom hoping
this isn't how the story has to go
It's not the way it goes, it's your book now
You are golden, you are golden child
You are golden, don't let go, don't let go tonight
You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts
Your far from home is a perfect place to start
So this final verse is a contradiction and
the more we learn, the less we know
We've been talking about a feeling
we both know inside but couldn't find the words
I couldn't write this verse
I've seldom been so sure about anything before
You are golden, you are golden child
You are golden, don't let go, don't let go tonight
This world is a dead man down
Every breath is a fading crown we wear
like some debilitated king
The earth spins and the moon goes round
The green comes from the frozen ground
And everything will be made new again
like freedom in spring
(Like freedom in spring)
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